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TomLover -> A rather difficult problem in my relationship with my girlfriend (12/11/2008 3:37:00 AM)
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This is my first post ever on this forum. So I guess it's appropriate to introduce myself.
Hello, my name is TomLover.
First off I would like to say that, though i have been a silent member of this site for quite some time, I'm not a member of the bdsm-community per se. I am in a relationship that is really for the most part a vanilla one. Here I am hoping I'm using the term correctly now, *LoL*. I have a question for you, a question which I think is most suitably placed in this section of the forum. My relationship has now lasted for five years. For a long time we had a very vanilla lifestyle and our D/s streaks have mostly limited themselves to our bedroom quarters. She was the one that during intercourse surprised me by asking me to call her a slut. (fond memories of a baffled look on my own face) We have introduced some light bondage, spanking, wax play and the likes into our lives. Out of the bedroom, she is not comfortable with a submissive role per se, though it's obvious that I am the more decisive, assertive and calmer personality of the two, which she finds balancing to her own rather nervous personality. Frankly, that's all the dominance I would want outside of the bedroom.
My problem now is that, two years ago, under aggravating and ashaming circumstances, I lost my usual sense of security and stability, became very unsure of my actions because of problems in my professional life. My girl was not readily available, with her living in another city and her insecurity about both her mental and physical attributes going crazy without my support and reassurance, not there with the comfort and the loving support she usually gave me, I sought comfort somewhere else. In short, I cheated, for which there is no excuse other than that I was weak and not in control of my emotions. I failed us both, and regret it to this day, which leads me to my true issue.
The trouble is that I am quite sure that her feelings have not changed, wishing to be owned, not as a slave but simply in the way that a husband offers security, strength, love and guidance. She still wishes to be mine and mine alone, especially behind our closed bedroom doors. Yet, it won't be a surprise that the trust is still somewhat gone. We haven't had sex with penetration in a long time. She obviously has trust issues, or so I thought, so I was patient and I haven't pushed anything on her since then. Otherwise, our relationship has been relatively normal. We have an active sex life otherwise. Recently however, she has been showing signs of avoiding contact with my family and has failed to be truthful concerning her family's thoughts about me and our relationship. When I ask her directly, she ignores anything negative I say, goes on to be the same person as ever and acts like nothing was ever said on the matter. This makes me unsure as to what I should do. It even gets me angry, and it has come to the point now where I'm frustrated about the sexual contact that we have left, which was up until now satisfying to me, but now it has gotten to the point where it is the sign of something greater. It is a dangerous place for me, because my anger tends to blur my vision. This is not a relationship where I can treat her like a submissive. Where I thought we had done our best to put the past behind us, rocky as it has been for a while, I thought that the uncertainty and refusal would go away with time, patience, love and care, but now it seems I'm asking you for guidance in how to resolve this matter.
Greetings and many thanks,
T.
P.S. Couple's counceling would be the way to try I know but ...I can assure you it's a bad idea for several reasons.
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