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barelynangel -> RE: A rather difficult problem in my relationship with my girlfriend (12/13/2008 5:39:08 AM)
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To the OP -- This may not be a popular answer but it sounds like you want things to go back to the way they were -- they never will. What you should be looking to do if you and she both want to forge ahead with the relationship is create a new/old (not same) relationship between you, one that is stronger because of the rip because its been healed and yes scarred but stronger because of it. This is not easy to do. Its sounds like your girlfriend is in denial of the issues and feels if she doesn't address it eventually it will go away and her life before being so hurt will reappear.
What you have to do will be extremely difficult after two years it seems you two are still smoldering. But you will have to make some pretty strong decisions. If things get like this, perhaps instead of talking about things she will try and ignore because its negative about such and such -- i can see why she may be reluctant to address because if its negative she may feel criticized in directly. Be sure however, you want the answers to the questions. Have you point blank asked her if she really wants to continue the relationship. This is a yes or no question. If she says yes, then ask her if she is content simply going through the motions you both are now. That may give her pause because she may not even realize this is what has been happening, at the very least it will give her probably food for thought. Then explain to her -- not about what you don't like that is happening because if you explain it like your post here it will only put her on the defense -- but perhaps where you would like to see the relationship go, perhaps some things you would like to change about how YOU are handling things, and how you would like to make things better for her.
Then, perhaps its time for you to listen. I know you are saying she isn't talking to you but i hate to say it, she is communicating with you. In all actuality, this may not even have anything to do with your cheating on her but it has evolved from other things.
If she doesn't want to tell you what her family thinks of you, then perhaps you may have to bite the bullet and take your lumps from her family. Obviously someone isn't happy with you. Perhaps its time you seek help from her family and attempt to breach this issue with them without putting your girlfriend in the middle. Part of being a Man is taking responsibility. Perhaps its time for you to have a sit down her parents ( i am presuming these will be the people most influential on her or pick those you are calling family) own up to the hurt you caused her, explain your feelings and where you would like to see this relationship go from here, and LISTEN to their issues with you and their daughter, i mean really listen, and then honestly -- not defensively -- explain you are at a loss as to what to do and perhaps ask for their advice. This may not fix things right away, but it may help them understand your sincerety at maintaining a healthy relationship with their daughter.
All in all, you will need to get to the root of her issues -- you may have to push her until all of the anger she is holding on too and hurt comes pouring out. Getting angry with her won't help because the way she is reacting to the anger it seems from her family and from you is to internalize it and be a third party between you and her family. She is being torn apart and she probably has no clue who to listen to anymore not even herself.
But first and foremost, you need to figure out what you want, where you want this relationship to go, and why, and then you need to express that to her in a non-aggressive, non-defensive, way so she can determine if she really wants the same.
But again, be sure you really want the answers because they may not be what you are hoping to accomplish.
Good luck.
angel
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