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A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 6:52:00 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

First, I DID do a search on responsibility and only found a thread from 2007 that did not help with this question, hence:

In this question,

1. I refer to those who are in a live in 24/ 7 relationship---though of course anyone's thoughts are appreciated

2. I refer to "promises" both kink and day to day life management stuff.

3. There are no extenuating circumstances such as job loss, illness, etc.

4. Conversations and promises to change out number consititutional amendments

We begin:

What does a submissive do when a Dominant has made promises/commitments and then stops doing them either out of the blue or over time? I elaborate:

*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub
*stops providing access to outside activities
*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
*stops making the home "habital"
*stops communications
*stops acting as a Dominant

Thoughts?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

Post #: 1

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:03:31 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I would think that a threshold of infractions would have been talked about during the official formation of the relationship. In your third bullet you even use "agreed upon", suggesting that the Dom is not carrying his weight. More importantly to me, at the moment that the sub/slave would even entertain these sorts of thoughts, it's indicative of a problem...particularly since you've specified that these are not brought on by extenuating circumstances, but just by what may amount to habitual lethargy or plain apathy.

While the dynamic you've presented and the list point each deal with slightly different aspects, I think the underlying theme is one where the sub is not being fulfilled in ways that s/he had not only expected to be, but in ways that had been provided up until recently. Effectively, the sub/slave is now suddenly in a relationship with what seems to be an entirely different Dom. At that point, I think it's up to the sub/slave to gauge whether the reasons for the changes are intentional or not (I would consider negligence as intentional, though passive) and whether the answer to that first part merits continued emotional investment.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 2

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:11:04 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

For me the answer is the same as any relationship. All relationships are based upon some sort of agreement as to responsibilities and expectations. Regardless of romantic, work, or purely M/s. The same basic principles apply.

When one person fails to hold up their end of the deal, things start heading south. Either it gets recognised, discussed, and fixed. Or renegotiated.

Orrrr, the relationship ends.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 3

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:16:33 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I would first want the dominant in question to be evaluated for depression.

I would also look for past behaviour patterns which showed (s)he could not or would not follow up on their commitments on a consistent basis.

I would take those things into account and go from there.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 4

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:25:47 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

First, I DID do a search on responsibility and only found a thread from 2007 that did not help with this question, hence:

In this question,

1. I refer to those who are in a live in 24/ 7 relationship---though of course anyone's thoughts are appreciated

2. I refer to "promises" both kink and day to day life management stuff.

3. There are no extenuating circumstances such as job loss, illness, etc.

4. Conversations and promises to change out number consititutional amendments

We begin:

What does a submissive do when a Dominant has made promises/commitments and then stops doing them either out of the blue or over time? I elaborate:

*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub
*stops providing access to outside activities
*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
*stops making the home "habital"
*stops communications
*stops acting as a Dominant

Thoughts?

First, I'd probably panic (If it was an acute change)..., after a suitable time of having my head buried in the sand (if it was a chronic change) I'd probably step in and fill the gap, do what had to be done to keep things moving forward. I'd pay the bills, keep the home habitable, spank my own monkey.

I guess I would just ride it out, hoping it was a phase while trying to find out what went wrong and how things could be steered back on track.

Long term, any of those I could live with except the lack of communication/connection...I don't have to have any particular activity in my life to be content, most things I can do for myself and for others, but I do need the connection and communication.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 12/11/2008 7:28:18 AM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 5

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:40:08 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..

I have never been in any relationship with another under the same roof that has not over time changed nor met any who have not encountered the same issues. Less talk, less activities, less intimacy, etc. etc. It seems to be just one of those phenomena's with a vast array of culprited reasons.

I'd take the bullet list you have, and in a respectful way bring that to your dominant in a setting thats conducive to you being the submissive and he the dominant, and bring up questions based off the bullets, and stay with each one until you have an answer that satisfys you both.

Around here we have simplified the need for search by my occassionally asking Master: Are you happy?
He in turn occassionally asks me: Is your head okay?

Sounds lame I'm sure but even if one of us were to be denying it due to uncertainty of a reason why the answer currently would be no..it becomes evident in the tone and body language of the answer, and allows for our thoughts to proceed on that path to either find remedys or bounce off doing whatever knowing things are good.

Communication of some sort needs to happen between you two though or it will just fester inside with probably detrimental idea's that are unfounded.

Good Luck to you both

starshine

< Message edited by starshineowned -- 12/11/2008 7:42:07 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:42:38 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

Seems to me, not ever having enjoyed a 24/7 D/s relationship, this is similar to what most of us experience in our day to day lives.

Our professional life, at some point, no longer is what we thought it was. Maybe it changed; maybe we changed - but it's not there anymore. The lucky, the bold, the less needy of us, we jump ship at some point, as we know ahead of time we can't change the "system", however mightily we would strive to try.

Likewise, our personal life, after some number of years, and for some of us, starts smacking us against the head telling us it isn't what it was supposed to be, not even close. The relationship isn't what it was like during the honeymoon and before the kids. The happy family isn't as happy as we thought it would be when it was all giggly and cooing. The daring, the less responsible, those with more options, those willing to take risk, they leave this happy-family-no-more, and, in general, the divorce laws chew them to pieces, at least initially and proportionately to the length of the marriage.

What do these common situations have in common with you? Dunno but they may be similar. Your avenues of recourse, of redress, and yes, recoil, may be similar or different, but, the situation seems similar, at least in part.

In all these situations-run-sour, you can be the frog in boiling water who sticks with it thru thick or thin; or you can attempt to move the world by slaying the windmills with your mighty sword; or you can attempt redress thru the courts or friends-of-public-opinion or, in some rare cases, the courts of law.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 7

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 7:47:27 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

For me the answer is the same as any relationship. All relationships are based upon some sort of agreement as to responsibilities and expectations. Regardless of romantic, work, or purely M/s. The same basic principles apply.

When one person fails to hold up their end of the deal, things start heading south. Either it gets recognised, discussed, and fixed. Or renegotiated.

Orrrr, the relationship ends.

Ditto this. I've had a history of staying too long and futilly attempting to turn the ship around for the better. In my future I suspect I will be prone to leaving much sooner. Re: the bullet points in the OP, I would attempt to discuss and fix it, but if such discussion failed, I'd be preparing myself to be single again. Life is too short, and love alone does not fix things. Sticking around creates anger, pain, resentment, and a whole lot of baggage to contend with later.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 8:00:29 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub

I start paying them

quote:

*stops providing access to outside activities
*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
*stops making the home "habital"
*stops communications

I do nothing about these. Simply because he would have had his reasons for doing so. He is under no obligation to explain those reasons to me.

quote:

*stops acting as a Dominant

YOu are going to have to define what you mean as 'Dominant" here. My definition may be different than yours.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 9

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 8:22:05 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

First, I DID do a search on responsibility and only found a thread from 2007 that did not help with this question, hence:

Actually this question, or something like it, gets asked all the time. It frequently amazes me that it does because my impression is, its almost as if we (as a group of strangers online) are being asked to give permission for the submissive to break up with the "dom".

quote:

What does a submissive do when a Dominant has made promises/commitments and then stops doing them either out of the blue or over time? I elaborate:

*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub
*stops providing access to outside activities
*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
*stops making the home "habital"
*stops communications
*stops acting as a Dominant

Thoughts?

Okay, you've stated that there are no extenuating circumstances... no apparent reason for this change in behavior. However, such changes in behavior don't happen without a reason... so all we really know is there is a reason for it, we just don't know what that is.

The submissive has a couple of options... try and work things out.... or pack up and leave. That's a personal choice, not one to be made for them by strangers online.

To work things out means the submissive needs to get some communications going and find out what has caused this change. Once the problem is understood, then some informed decisions can be made. But what those decisions might be are hard to say without knowing the real problem. What I mean to say is, if the submissive finds out the change is because the dominant is having an affair would warrant a different reaction than if the submissive finds out the change of behavior is because the dominant has been diagnosed as terminally ill and is struggling to come to terms with it.

If the dominant won't communicate... then again the decision comes down to two options... stay and accept things as they are now... or leave.

Likewise, staying on while hoping things will at some point get better, is itself a choice... a silent consent to the new terms of the relationship.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 10

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 8:24:00 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What does a submissive do when a Dominant has made promises/commitments and then stops doing them either out of the blue or over time? I elaborate:
the submissive always has the right to leave...but of course that is going to be her choice...my Dom decided he no longer wanted the D/s dynamic between us...at first it devastated me...i didn't know what to expect when i moved in with him...but honestly the whole D/s part of our relationship had been a struggle...so he ended it. we still very much live it though and the more submissive i am, the more His dominant side responds...it is like He needed me to show Him i wanted it....without all the fighting, etc

*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub
i pay my own bills (cell, car, etc)....although as of late He wants to get rid of my cell phone and replace with a blackberry...get rid of my car and get me a new one....they are mine and i prefer to pay my own bills...when i lived on my own i paid my own way completely...he now pays all the household bills though...

*stops providing access to outside activities
before living with him we went out all the time...visited friends and family...movies etc...now...not so much...he prefers to just be with me...

*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
aside from Him teasing me....grabbing me or calling me slut when the mood hits him, there are no bdsm/kink activities at all...more like control activities where he likes to hold me or make me stay in his presence despite knowing i want to leave...He has become more dominant again which i am encouraging...but it is hard on me...i miss it...BUT when i behave more D/s, so does he
*stops making the home "habital"
im not sure what you mean here...did you mean 'stop making the home habitual' as in the dom doesnt show up anymore in a habitual manner...mine is very habitual...comes home to me every night after work...if he didn't i wouldnt be happy for long....

if you meant 'stop making the home habitable' ,as in the home is not fit to live in anymore then time to leave!! although, the sub bears responsibility in that as well...

*stops communications
mine is not the king of communication...but the sub also bears responsibility in bringing up issues that bother her...He is not a mind reader...if he refuses to communicate with her, then the relationship is over...

*stops acting as a Dominant
depends on what you mean here...did the dominant suddenly start behaving completely vanilla or as a submissive or did he just decide to change the relationship? my Dom told me he no longer wanted the D/s dynamic that meant so much to me...but he is still very much the dominant man in our relationship...i felt it was the end of our world together...that i would have no direction...it was the end of some things...but the dynamic is still very much alive! the closest i could describe it as is 50's household but at times the old Dom comes out to play...lol

i say....if she is happy with all of the above, stay....if she is unhappy and unfulfilled then time for her to leave....time to reopn the communication to see what is going on in his head...if he is finished with the relationship then he has to let her know...otherwise it is just cruel and unusual treatment...

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 11

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 9:13:21 AM

DelilahDeb

Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

Fast Reply:

bills and home
--if it's the sub's bills and financial domination was negotiated, then the sub needs to pick up the load somehow for his/her own financial protection while issue is resolved.
--if it's the household bills (such as electrical or heating fuel), more of above but it's also a concern relative to dominant self-damage (sign of emotional disorder)
--same with keeping house habitable

outside activities
--removing access to outside activities, kinky or otherwise, is a red flag for me--can be a sign of an abuser., or, again, a sign of emotional disorder.

significant ongoing changes of behavior (not acting dominant, ceasing communications)
--sign of emotional disorder, sign of emotional disorder, sign of emotional disorder

Someone needs help. Reach out to dominant. No response? Reach out to kinky friends for "intervention". No response? Reach out to crisis line if nothing else; they'll have local resource info, including safe shelter for you if situation becomes or is identified as hazardous.

Your mileage will vary. Only you know how big or smal a change is represented by your original question. Take care of you first, because you can't help anyone if you're not OK. (As the airlines say, "When travelling with someone who needs assistance, first put your own oxygen mask on, and then help them with theirs.")

Best of luck...

Lady Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 12

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 9:27:36 AM

utopicus

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

The sub should be doing as anyone should do: sit down and talk with the Dominant. We are not talking here about contracts, but about a relationship that is about to crumble, unless communication is employed to work out the conflict - there must be a conflict, there must be a cause to ignite the disturbance.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 13

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 9:44:01 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

~fast reply~

Things change. Also, you can't help those who won't help themselves, so having everyone willing to do their part towards resolution is sort of a 'first step'.

If this was a sudden change, not precipitated by any known external event, as another individual in a committed relationship with certain expectations in place, I would want to know what precipitated the change, and whether I could -realistically- expect things to return to the pre-change state. The only way to find this out is to ask the other people/person involved. Sometimes, finding out requires getting professional assistance to find problems that are too much for the individual or household to deal with on their own. If things -will- return to their prior state, I'd want some clear idea of -when-. Depending on my relationship to the other person, I might also want to know what brought the change about, and whether I could expect a similar situation to crop up again.

Beyond this, if no answers are forthcoming or if the individual in question refuses assistance and/or opportunities to resolve the situation, I would take a good, long look at what I expect from the relationship, aside from any promises made. Some people are better able to cope with change than others, and if I happened to be one of the folks struggling with erratic changes in the relationship, I'd seriously consider whether this was a healthy place for me to remain.

Many problems that crop up in relationships are resolvable, given sufficient desire to work towards resolution, good communication about the current situation and changes that will impact the future, and realistic expectations about what resolution will look like. That being said, even if patience is the only requirement on one side of the situation, sometimes even that is too much to ask from a given individual at a particular time. At the same time, having all the parties actively involved in resolving the situation, with honesty and good communication between them, most things can, eventually, work out. It is up to everyone involved to determine whether the situation has become untenable (not just unhappy or unpleasant-- sometimes, you have to work -through- unhappy and unpleasant to get to happy and pleasant again). If it has become untenable, or if any party is unwilling to do the work to resolve the issues in the relationship, it's often better for the parties who are stuck in the unworkable situation to let the relationship go than to sit around and dump energy into a situation that is never going to change or improve.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/11/2008 9:47:07 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to utopicus)

Post #: 14

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 10:01:23 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

In my opinion if the dominant just stops doing allot of things agreed upon then something has changed to make them stop. There could be allot of things that cause this, but discussing it and getting to the root is the first thing I would do. If after discussing things then he still falls short of the things he agreed to do then the relationship would probably stat to deteriorate and the relationship could fail or end.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 15

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 10:02:34 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talk to him about what's going on.
Push him into seeing a doctor and making sure there's not a physical cause.
Push him into getting screened for depression.

Assuming he then announces he doesn't give a damn and isn't going to change: The sub takes care of her/himself. The sub pays bills alone, looks for a place she can afford alone or packs his bags and then gets a roommate. What else is there? A relationship cannot last when only one person is committed to it. Either you both are or it's moribund.

What else is there?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 16

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 10:27:55 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Thoughts?

*it's over...the relationship is dead and it is time to move on.
*pack up the dogs and split.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 17

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 12:17:22 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

First, I DID do a search on responsibility and only found a thread from 2007 that did not help with this question, hence:

In this question,

1. I refer to those who are in a live in 24/ 7 relationship---though of course anyone's thoughts are appreciated
2. I refer to "promises" both kink and day to day life management stuff.
3. There are no extenuating circumstances such as job loss, illness, etc.
4. Conversations and promises to change out number consititutional amendments
We begin:
What does a submissive do when a Dominant has made promises/commitments and then stops doing them either out of the blue or over time? I elaborate:
*stops paying certain bills potentially impactful to sub
*stops providing access to outside activities
*stops any agreed upon "fetish or kink or lifestyle" activities
*stops making the home "habital"
*stops communications
*stops acting as a Dominant
Thoughts?

First, I'd probably panic (If it was an acute change)..., after a suitable time of having my head buried in the sand (if it was a chronic change) I'd probably step in and fill the gap, do what had to be done to keep things moving forward. I'd pay the bills, keep the home habitable, spank my own monkey.

I guess I would just ride it out, hoping it was a phase while trying to find out what went wrong and how things could be steered back on track.

Long term, any of those I could live with except the lack of communication/connection...I don't have to have any particular activity in my life to be content, most things I can do for myself and for others, but I do need the connection and communication.

Hi, Cat and Winsome----

First, Cat, I am sorry for this alteration. It seems as if you are in an extremely uncomfortable situation and I feel for what you are going through. What you're described strikes me as not only a breach of trust but of baseline safety.

Winsome, what you said you would do got a wry smile from me as it's very much like what I did at various points throughout my marriage when my husband decided to change the rules because of an internal need. Sometimes, accommodation is good. Other time, not so much. I seem to remember, from other posts, you describing a very intelligent ex- who couldn't function with any level of adeptness in the 'real world'. It seems that you, as did I, 'hung in there' for quite a long time in those relationships.

Cat, I guess where I would go with all of this is to attempt to communicate and then decide what, if any, is your 'line in the sand'; I mean, at what point does the situation become untennable to the point where you walk away (Or direct him to the door)?

Again, sorry that you are going through this and sending good wishes for you.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 18

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 12:19:31 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

For me the answer is the same as any relationship. All relationships are based upon some sort of agreement as to responsibilities and expectations. Regardless of romantic, work, or purely M/s. The same basic principles apply.

When one person fails to hold up their end of the deal, things start heading south. Either it gets recognised, discussed, and fixed. Or renegotiated.

Orrrr, the relationship ends.

What she said.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 19

RE: A Dominant's Promises/Commitments - 12/11/2008 12:25:14 PM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

... it would stop being a relationship id want or be happy in.

trouble comes when youre in lurve and its not a straight forward case of just picking up and leaving.

but, if i wasnt happy, id move on.

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 20

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