quote:

ORIGINAL: CNJDom


I understand the concept of not responding to abuse, and ending it quickly as possible.  Abusers are sometimes looking for a reaction from you, and feeds their power trip.  This is conditioning that can work effectively in the moment, but also internalizing it without a way of venting it, can cause immeasurable damage.  Abuse requires some form of therapy or outlet to overcome and get past it all.  Some abuse will scar for life and all one can do is to avoid the triggers and try to work on it objectively.  That is abuse, and there 's obviously more to it and more ways to deal or not deal with it than what I'm saying here.  BDSM can sometimes provide some theraputic benefits to this abuse, but it's good to know that when you do something here in this environment, that you are doing it to work on it, not just feed it and purpetuate this matter.  If that is the case, then it's best that all participants know what, why, and how they are playing a part in this; or confusion and sometimes potentially damage not only the relationships you have with that person, but also scar THEM from an experience or set of experiences that come from learning their part in the scheme of things interpersonally. 

Yes it can cause damage definitely. I've been through therapy, both meds and counselling and continue with that. I doubt I will ever totally overcome all that the abuse did to me, but I am stronger and I am winning. I do have triggers of course and I am thankful that they are not tripped very often anymore. I do get some theraputic benefit in bdsm and I also get a lot of fulfillment. Those I play with know me very well and are aware of possible triggers and know that I was abused. I have a lot of trust in them which has built over the years I've known them. I like to avoid nasty lil surprises if at all possible.

As far as the first part of this post, the Dom that wanted to show-off his new toy either out of pride or the need to enlighten or thrill, he was ALSO looking for a response.  Dominants like response.  They read it as a form of communication.  By withholding that response, or what you were feelling in that context, the defied what was expected.  This wouldn't be good for most Dominants while in a scene, because some depend heavily on reading their submissives while in play...some care what they are doing to their charges (and FOR their charges).  There is the similarity between abusers and Dominants looking for a response, but there is also a difference:  one doesn't care for you.  In some cases however, when someone has suffured abuse on more extreme levels, being with a Sadist, may not be the best thing for you until some therapy is under the belt...for this will tend to perpetuate the problem and not deal with it directly.

Oh I am well aware he was looking for a response. He is a good friend and has topped me on several occasions and he does get a response out of me when he does, lol. It's like I said in a previous response in the thread. I do respond in scene. It's just that I respond to the good feelings and ticklishness and fun before I respond to the pain.
 
I think anyone who's suffered abuse needs to work through it, get some kind of help and not use strictly bdsm to deal with it. I'm not sure I'd be into it or able to handle and enjoy what I do if I hadn't reached out and gotten the help I did first. I think I would have been much too afraid to ever try it even if the interest was there.


In BDSM, there are many levels of both sides of the coin.  Abusive submissives as well as abusive Dominants.  We are people (for the most part) and will bring with ourselves somethings that make us unique to others.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a personal thing.   Emotional damage and physical abuse needs to be addressed.  You can still enjoy BDSM activity, but it is very good to keep an eye on how, why, and what you are doing as the motivator.  A response is sometimes welcome and needed.