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Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:40:04 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

This question is for all, to answer from your own perspective, but I am particularly interested in the answers from dominant men and submissive women.

I have a female friend who is submissive. She has recently returned to the dating world and is having an interesting time with the dominant men she's been chatting with. I have given her my perspective, but I realize that I may have a different view based on my orientation. So I'm bringing it to you, my fellow CM'ers to get a different perspective.

The question revolves around one very specific situation, so here it is:

She's been talking with a dom who is roughly 3 hours away from her for the last 6 weeks. He tells her that he's interested in her, but when they chat, she feels like she's interviewing him constantly and says it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk. There has been no "cyber" going on, the chats are relatively tame. She has invited him to Nashville, she has offered to drive halfway to meet, he says "ok", but the meeting has yet to happen. He continues to tell her he's interested in her, but he's obviously making her chase him.

She is feeling like pushing him for more conversation or a meeting is not very "submissive" of her, and is afraid that being any less submissive will put her in a bad light.

My advice was simple. She is not his submissive, she's under no obligation to be submissive to him, and she should tell him what she wants, and get it, or move on.

Personally, I like sub men who are assertive and go after what they want. But, that's me and the dynamics are usually a bit different when going from F/m to M/f.

So, here's the question: dominant men, do you want to chase? or be chased? sub women, would you view being assertive as being less submissive?

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

Post #: 1

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:43:09 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

While there wasn't any chasing in our relationship (I literally landed in Val's lap and he was smart enough not to let me go

) I like it when men chase me. I'm just not very good at running away so it usually doesn't take long.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 2

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:46:07 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

I like a bit of both... I can appreciate running around playing grab-ass.

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HBIC

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Post #: 3

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:52:01 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Some people have totally different personalities in chat, on phone, and in person. And I don't mean fake personalities. I mean a female friend I know who can only talk about sex when she's typing and otherwise she gets bashful, or a man another friend dated who was a total asshole in chat and actually a nice guy on the phone.

It could be as simple as the fact that he's not comfortable chatting about himself.

How about: "Does 'You're interested in me' mean you'd like to meet? Ok, great! Does 'You're interested in me' mean you'd like to meet Saturday at 2pm at Starbuck's? Ok, great!"

Simple. Direct. Clear. People make this stuff into more of a hassle than it really is.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 4

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:56:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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This has nothing to do with submissive or not submissive, simply communication and planning styles. They seem incompatible and likely he's not really that into her.

She's going to put herself in a lot of unnecessary torment if she keeps trying to put behaviors into the "sub" and "dom" box.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 5

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 3:58:25 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

The guy sounds dull dull. I'd drop him like a hotcake, long ago.

I don't chase, nor do I like chasers. It is either there or it isn't and should be a mutal attraction.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:08:09 PM

Raechard

Posts: 3513
Joined: 3/10/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
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Since all we have online is communication and communication is lacking in this case, travelling anywhere seems a bit pointless since you can't understand someone’s needs and wants by barely talking with them. If he can't hold a conversation then there must be something really amazing about him.

_____________________________

えへまにんへえや
Nobody wants to listen to the same song over and over again!

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 7

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:08:54 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

If I'm making all the "moves" and not getting any in return, I won't do that for very long. It's got to be a 2 way street with the "I'm interested in you". It doesn't matter which side of the slash you're on. What's the point in continually "chasing" someone if they don't want you to catch them?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:10:04 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

He continues to tell her he's interested in her, but he's obviously making her chase him.

That's not obvious to me at all. It could very well be that he's hoping to do better and reluctant to settle now. Or that he has "unfinished business" (ie: a live-in that hasn't left?). Or that his marital status may not be "single". Or any other of a dozen different issues.

The only thing that's obvious to me is that he's not ready to meet. Whether he will ever be ready to meet is far from obvious.

quote:

So, here's the question: dominant men, do you want to chase? or be chased? sub women, would you view being assertive as being less submissive?

Personally, I don't at all prefer to chase or be chased. I prefer to get to know one another, unrushed.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 9

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:14:43 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Why can't it be both ways...chase and be chased? Isn't that what human interaction is if both parties are interested?

Anyway, it sounds as though he is talking to many while talking to her. Some people just don't have very good typing skills let alone being able to multi task. If it were me and I was really interested in him. I'd call him on it. If he tells me he isn't talking to anyone else while talking to me and it continues I'd dump him.

I've always felt I was the one doing the interviewing before a relationship started. After all I had a right to be happy with whom I was going to give my entire life to.
Clearly she is not the only one he is interested in. Until that happens I'd have little time for him.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 10

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:27:49 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

You know, I know better than to give specifics or examples.

To those of you who answered the question, thank you.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 11

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:32:04 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

for me I want to be the chaser esp with this dynamic, if it feels like I am being chased i dont tend to have as much of a drive to be with them. I think it goes a bit like this in my head, well if hes chasing me hes probably a bit desperate so i dont really have to do anything because hes not making me work for it so i wont bother. I dont really like feeling fawned upon or anything. Mind you there is something undeniably sexy about someone who confidently tells you that they will have you, but thats not really chasing that just feels inevitable.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 12

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 4:32:15 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

This has nothing to do with submissive or not submissive, simply communication and planning styles. They seem incompatible and likely he's not really that into her.

She's going to put herself in a lot of unnecessary torment if she keeps trying to put behaviors into the "sub" and "dom" box.

I would agree - doesn't sound like he's all that interested.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:18:37 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

If he wanted to meet her, he would. He should be pursuing her, not the other way around. Does she need to remind him of the sheer number of dominant men vs. submissive women? It's her market; not his.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 14

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:23:38 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

It flatters my prong to be chased, but, as I've mentioned a few times, in my life I've done best when I've made the first move.

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

So, here's the question: dominant men, do you want to chase? or be chased?

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 15

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:24:54 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I agree on the chase and be chased thing. I like the initial contact to come from the dom - it has worked out better that way for me.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 16

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:24:55 PM

Raechard

Posts: 3513
Joined: 3/10/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
If he wanted to meet her, he would. He should be pursuing her, not the other way around. Does she need to remind him of the sheer number of dominant men vs. submissive women? It's her market; not his.

Yeah but the second hand car market is full of battered old cars compared to nice shiny new ones. There is quantity and then there is quality. Therefore my argument would be only buy an old car if it has a full service history.

< Message edited by Raechard -- 12/13/2008 5:25:35 PM >

_____________________________

えへまにんへえや
Nobody wants to listen to the same song over and over again!

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 17

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:25:56 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I've done best when I've made the first move.

Men like a challenge, many men enjoy sports. Women should allow men the freedom to pursue. I agree that it seems best when the man pursues me and shows an interest first, plus it is much less stressful for me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 18

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:27:11 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

only buy an old car if it has a full service history

Pahlease. I domfax all prospects!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Raechard)

Post #: 19

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:33:41 PM

elegantalexis

Posts: 237
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I prefered to being chased myself by Sir and Mistress. Alexis just happened to fall into my lap, stockings and all, over 4 years ago when she needed a place to live. Takes me a while to 'warm' up to people because I appear shy and demure in public (no one knows how I am in private,,,,LOL!)

Shahar

_____________________________

Subbies to 12 cats...

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 20

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