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Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 6:55:53 AM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I have a dear friend.  When I met her she was with a Dom who allowed her no safe word or limits.

He ordered her to do "things" that were unsafe in many ways but she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

So my question to the Mistresses here is:

Is this Correct?  That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 7:10:44 AM   
bdaile


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		Well, I am a sub, but I can tell you that I would not be in relationship where I was forced to do things that I feel aren't safe! While I believe that I should be willing to at least try the things my Dom may want from me, there is a reason some things are called hard limits. No way, no how will I do them, and if someone tries to force me to I wouldn't be spending time around them anymore!

_____________________________

~brittany~

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 8:50:47 AM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, I'm a sub in training... From the very beginning I was given the safe word and assurance that under no circumstance I would be hurt, or exposed to danger whatsoever; that I will not be touched when my Domme is angry or not in clear mind.
If I were you I would advise your friend to walk away now.

(in reply to bdaile)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 8:57:57 AM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I did.  As luck would have it, the Dom dumped her.  But now the next Dom is about to do the same thing from the sound of it and I am worried:(

(in reply to utopicus)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 9:12:04 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

I have a dear friend.  When I met her she was with a Dom who allowed her no safe word or limits.

He ordered her to do "things" that were unsafe in many ways but she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

So my question to the Mistresses here is:

Is this Correct?  That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?



In my opinion one should take great care to find a dominant with whom the vast majority of your limits are similar if not the same and any that are not are respected by that person prior to taking the step to becoming a slave.

The result is that it may well seem that those in a healthy relationship have no limits but in reality they have really just found a great match and spent the time building the dynamic to the point where limits and safewords are not actively needed or used.

Every healthy person has limits simply because we are all just human beings. We are not deities, we cannot be limitless or all capable/powerful/whatever. How much you use your safewords to communicate your limits is a matter of the how well the dynamic flows.

From a dom point of view, I never felt the need to say "no safewords" or "no limits" because I knew that over time that would develop as we grew together. I realize some folks may remember my comments that Fox is not allowed to say "no" to me, that is true, but he can give me feedback and he could use a safeword which is not "No" in my household. I can't remember the last time he seriously used a safeword, it must have been years and years ago.

On the OP topic of "unsafe" I ask and expect him to do things he dislikes often but that is different than unsafe. Doing or asking my property to do unsafe things would demonstrate how foolish I am as an owner because I then risk my property and I was raised to value those things I own.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 9:54:38 AM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		So I guess the question I should ask at this time is then:  How do I get to to understand all this so she isn't used again.  She is a wonderful person.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 10:10:06 AM   
bdaile


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		Unfortunately you can't make her understand anything. I suggest you show her this thread, and the forums in general. Maybe she'll realize that her dom shouldn't make her feel unsafe.

_____________________________

~brittany~

(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 10:44:27 AM   
Vinmier


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		I would not accept a collar from someone who did not allow safewords, or did not respect my limits. Ask her if she's heard the phrase, 'Safe, Sane, Consensual'.

safe
1. secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk: a safe place.
2. free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk: to arrive safe and sound.
3. involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.: a safe estimate.
4. dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5. careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.

sane
1. free from mental derangement; having a sound, healthy mind: a sane person.
2. having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense: sane advice.
3. sound; healthy.

consensual
1. formed or existing merely by consent: a consensual transaction.

Forgive me for being blunt, but something like that is not to be trifled with. She has her body and mind to look out for, even if she is a slave.

< Message edited by Vinmier -- 12/15/2008 10:46:00 AM >

(in reply to bdaile)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 10:52:51 AM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		Very true.  I believe the same thing.  I am going to show her this post and she if she can understand it too.

(in reply to Vinmier)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 11:03:12 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		My views on this subject have done a total 180.

To ME, a safeword is no, and my slave is not allowed to say no. But as Tammyjo has said, I also expect alot of feedback and communication. I already know her limitations and she knows mine. We talk, alot. She knows that she is safe with me.

Sure, accidents can happen. A safeword or statement of limitation isn't going to protect either of us from that. BUT, creating an environment of open communication and trust, on both sides, is going to remove the need for a list of limitations or any safewords.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 11:34:59 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

So I guess the question I should ask at this time is then:  How do I get to to understand all this so she isn't used again.  She is a wonderful person.


As bdaile said, you can't get her to understand it on your own. She has to be open and able to learn from information and not merely from experience. If she can only learn from experience then she may need to be hurt quite a bit before the light goes off in her head that there are very valid ways to be a slave or submissive that do no mean giving up yourself to the degree of no limits and being unsafe. As a friend it will be very hard on you to support her if she needs such experiences to learn.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 11:36:06 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
In my house, there is only one choice: obey or leave. 
 
However, and this is an important caveat, I always discuss decisions, boundaries, hard limits, and so on.  The time for input from my slave(s) is during that discussion and I expect them to have opinions about any given subject and be willing and able to communicate them to me.  I'm not going to make a decision that will affect the entire household without asking for and considering the views of the entirehousehold.  Similarly, if a slave says "I have X as a hard limit/trigger (landmine)" I'm not going to deliberately violate that boundary.  Of course, things happen and sometimes a slave doesn't consciously know s/he has a trigger.  The one time that happened, I did the necessary aftercare, took note of the circumstances so I wouldn't repeat them, and life went on.  In the event a limit or preference changes over time, I expect the slave to communicate that to me.
 
From your description, it sounds like the girl got the relationship she negotiated.  What you see as unsafe might not look that way to her.  She got what she wanted -- a life as a slave without limits.  If that's what she wants with the next master, that's what she'll get.  You don't have to agree with her choices.  You do have to accept them.  She's a big girl, she can make her own decisions.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 11:40:54 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		There is no  one correct way to do bdsm and kinky relationships. What's correct depends on each person making the decision for themselves, and is dependant on what the person deciding can live with.


If you're fine with no safe words and no limits, that's correct for YOU, if not it's not correct for YOU.

.
quote:


Is this Correct? That a slave gives up
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

I have a dear friend.  When I met her she was with a Dom who allowed her no safe word or limits.

He ordered her to do "things" that were unsafe in many ways but she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

So my question to the Mistresses here is:

Is this Correct?  That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?


(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 12:05:57 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		It's not your job to make sure she isn't used. It's her job, and if she can't do that, then I'd doubt the rational of being in any relationship, let alone a bdsm one.
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

So I guess the question I should ask at this time is then:  How do I get to to understand all this so she isn't used again.  She is a wonderful person.

(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 12:06:19 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I agree with what was said in the above.  Show your friend the thread.  It may have her see that it isn't just your advice that she is taking.  There's no need for her to enter another dynamic where she might be forced to do things beyond her limits.  The best time to find this out is before she actually gets involved.

One thing I do want to say about the shouting SSC above.  That works for those who want to use that as what they live by, but it isn't for everyone.  Some of us prefer going by RACK, which is risk aware consensual kink.  It doesn't make us unsafe players.  It's more that we know the risks involved in play and take measures to reduce those risks. 



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 12:10:42 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline 		 
Absolutely true LaT. No way would I be with Him if I thought for a second that I needed to use safewords. He knows me inside and out, and I don't want to have to worry that he will harm me. For the intensity and the dynamic that we have, a safeword isn't going to work for either of us. I much prefer to hand myself over mentally and physically and have that thrill of being taken, without worrying about yelling a safeword or preset limitations.  
Like LadyPact said as well, SSC is not for us either, far too cautious. I want to be terrified, exhilarated and have delicious reminders for days of Him.  To each their own.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My views on this subject have done a total 180.

To ME, a safeword is no, and my slave is not allowed to say no. But as Tammyjo has said, I also expect alot of feedback and communication. I already know her limitations and she knows mine. We talk, alot. She knows that she is safe with me.

Sure, accidents can happen. A safeword or statement of limitation isn't going to protect either of us from that. BUT, creating an environment of open communication and trust, on both sides, is going to remove the need for a list of limitations or any safewords.


< Message edited by Aynne88 -- 12/15/2008 12:13:01 PM >

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 6:42:50 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		in my relation ship I didn't have the need for a safe word.  But I was allowed one for emergencies.  A safe word to her was a no also but it came in handy when I was across a horse and I had moved and I couldn't breathe:)  That was the only time I think a safe word should be used.  But no hard limits  well that is where good notations comes in:)  She didn't like the relationship:  it started out nice and pop  once she was collared she wasn't allowed anything.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 6:45:44 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I would like to thank everyone who took the time to answer this question for me.  So in closing what I have learnt today is this:

A)  choose someone who's kinks are close to yours so there is no need for hard limits and
B)  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

Is there a way to close this thread now that it has been answered?


(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 6:48:23 PM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

needstheOne wrote: Is there a way to close this thread now that it has been answered?

No.  Even though you've found out all you wanted to know, other people might still be interested in discussing things.

beeble.

(in reply to needstheOne)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 7:05:30 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		true thought about that afterwords.  Just some fourms have a way to close it so just asking.:)

Have to come up with another good question now:)

Have to learn something new everyday now:)

Thanks again.

(in reply to beeble)
Profile   Post #: 20
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