Which to disclose first

Which to disclose first (Full Version)

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flower2007 -> Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 1:50:29 PM)
I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship. Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin. So which do I bring up first? It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?

LaTigresse -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 1:54:18 PM)
I would go with both myself. May as well weed them out early on. However, you had better be prepared to explain what you mean by kinky. Most people I know, just think it means you like to fuck alot, where ever, with whom ever. Then again, I live in Iowa. Not a terribly enlightened group.

akisha -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 1:57:20 PM)
I tend to let conversations run naturally. I don't "plan" on when to tell someone something. I just let it come when it needs to. When you are discussing likes and dislikes and experiences and such then there will probably be an opening like... He says "so how do you like (x)?" You say, no idea as I'm still a virgin but once i'm married i'd love to give it a try" If he asks how you know your kinky if you are still a virgin just say that those are the thoughts and fantasies that really do it for you and that's what you really think resonates with what you want out of life. I knew way before I was sexually active that I prefered males that were more "in control" When i hit the "things that give me shivers" stage of life it was the idea of a strong man that controlled me that really made my quiver. With age and experience that defined itself more but you can understand your baser desires from a young age.

LadyPact -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 1:58:16 PM)
I would agree with LaT. I'd go with both to save Myself any time and trouble. If I had to chose one, it would be the kink. I think that's a little more unusual for some people to accept.

flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 1:59:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If I had to chose one, it would be the kink. I think that's a little more unusual for some people to accept. That's actually been my experience, oddly enough. :-) And it's the more difficult one to discuss.

colouredin -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:11:29 PM)
Nah Im with LaT too, far better to get them out in the open right away rather than build up any sort of feelings. neither are anything to be ashamed of and if its something you want then you would never settle for smeone who didnt accept them so there should be no harm.

azropedntied -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:15:44 PM)
open and honest up front communications THE END . If the other party is compatible you shall know straight away so lay all your cards on the table .

agirl -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:18:32 PM)
I think a kinky virgin would be a fascinating prospect for a fair few guys ..........though I think the 'waiting for marriage to have sex' would be the hurdle for more than a few......lol On a site like this, I'd bring up the 'marriage and sex' thing as I think the majority of guys will assume you're a leeeetle bit kinky in the first instance. agirl

trealeon -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:54:57 PM)
Agirl has a point, if you're looking on here, then the only thing that you really have to worry about is no sex before marriage. I think in general the wanting a D/s (and finding a Dom) is going to be the easier of the two. If you're looking for a Dom you're going to be naturally attracted to that personality and be able to find someone who has a more "dominant" streak even when you're not on here. And that goes beyond sex so it will be apparent in just your day to day dealings with them. I think the virgin until married thing will be the bigger issue and the first of the two you should bring up. My two cents.

flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:57:56 PM)
It was kind of a general question, not specific to CM. :-) My problem is, while I'm attracted to dominant men, I tend to attract submissive men - maybe because I'm actually fairly dominant myself. The D/s thing has actually run off more men than the virgin thing (which is why I turned to CM in the first place)..

LadyPact -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 2:58:43 PM)
I guess I'm looking at it from a different angle, trealeon. I figure everyone's been a virgin, not everyone's into kink.

trealeon -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 3:01:35 PM)
well if you tend to attract submissive men that could be why they run off at the D/s thing if you tell them you're looking for someone to dominate you. What about what you're attracted to? Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive?

agirl -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 3:10:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon Agirl has a point, if you're looking on here, then the only thing that you really have to worry about is no sex before marriage. I think in general the wanting a D/s (and finding a Dom) is going to be the easier of the two. If you're looking for a Dom you're going to be naturally attracted to that personality and be able to find someone who has a more "dominant" streak even when you're not on here. And that goes beyond sex so it will be apparent in just your day to day dealings with them. I think the virgin until married thing will be the bigger issue and the first of the two you should bring up. My two cents. *Trying NOT to show my cynical slip here........but the old marriage* thing tends to wring a goosebump or two from guys far more rapidly than the collar /D/s thing would. agirl**

Lordandmaster -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 3:14:15 PM)
Both at the same time. When you find a guy who can handle it, you'll know that he's for you. Otherwise you're really just stringing them along (and wasting your own time in the process). quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 So which do I bring up first? It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?

Naga -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 3:19:17 PM)
I can only speak for myself. Obviously the D/s side is not going to bother me and neither is the kinky sex side. The only part of the virgin aspect that would concern me is the concern that you may very well still be in fantasy land. For example, a common fantasy for women is a rape fantasy. That does not imply, infer or say that they really want to be raped. It is has been my experience that there are women who dream and fantasize about a D/s relationship but when it comes to real life, it simply does not apply outside the bedroom to them. I would be concerned that someone who has limited sexual experience would not have had time to sort through their fantasies as they apply to reality in their life. The "no sex until marriage" aspect would apply here as well.

flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 3:20:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon What about what you're attracted to? Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive? Nope, I'm pretty turned off by them. They come to me and I spend a fair bit of time running them off. It took me a while to figure out that being a bitch to them didn't exactly work. And these are guys who don't identify as submissive, but really are.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:06:01 PM)
Seems to me that disclosing the fact you're a virgin and waiting for marriage is a good segue into the type of relationship (i.e. D/s) you want. If I were in a similar position, that's how I'd do it. Like the others who have said the same thing, I'd do it early. No point in wasting time with someone who isn't Dominant hubby material.

CalifChick -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:13:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship. Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin. So you're saying that wanting a D/s relationship, to you, means you're kinky? Or was there something you left out? Cali

Evility -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:17:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster Both at the same time. When you find a guy who can handle it, you'll know that he's for you. Otherwise you're really just stringing them along (and wasting your own time in the process). Agreed. Anytime you are drawing a line in the sand that point needs to be made sooner than later.

flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:34:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship. Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin. So you're saying that wanting a D/s relationship, to you, means you're kinky? Or was there something you left out? Cali No, it means that's how most people view it. Notice that I wrote that from the perspective of the man.

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