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Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from her dom - 12/29/2005 8:02:14 PM   
SmoothBoy4DomGuy


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline 		Hi. I'm asking this question for a friend who can't access this site.

Her Master (and husband) knows that she likes certain things, but he hardly ever gives them to her, even though he asks her often what she wants and if he is giving her all she wants/needs. When he asks her, she tells him, but it doesn't change. For instance, she has told him she likes being bound (to things), and there is even a pair of cuffs attached to the headboard of their bed, yet he never uses them unless she tells him she wants him to, and she doesn't tell him because she doesn't want to "top from the bottom".

Any advice you give is appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/29/2005 8:15:30 PM   
Elegant


Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		There is a big difference in 'wants' and 'needs'. Does she really 'need' to be bound?

If he is the Master and she is the slave then who is she to say that she gets this desire. To be honest I want to have a threesome with Master and a certain other man..but it's not a need and it's not something that Master wishes to give me..so I live with his decision.

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to SmoothBoy4DomGuy)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/29/2005 8:52:57 PM   
SmoothBoy4DomGuy


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

There is a big difference in 'wants' and 'needs'. Does she really 'need' to be bound?

If he is the Master and she is the slave then who is she to say that she gets this desire. To be honest I want to have a threesome with Master and a certain other man..but it's not a need and it's not something that Master wishes to give me..so I live with his decision.



Hi Elegant. Thank you for replying. I wish my friend could be here to answer for herself, but I will do my best to attempt to speak for her. I will share all replies with her as well.

I believe the issue isn't that she isn't getting her wants and needs fulfulled. It's that he is asking her what she WANTS and needs, and in chosing to not give it, she doesn't understand why he is asking in the first place.

I have told her that if her wish/need to be bound is her only "itch that isn't being scratched" then it sounds like he is doing a great job. I have told her that she should suggest using this as a reward for her.

JMO

Thank you again.

(in reply to Elegant)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/29/2005 11:59:08 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		i would suggest that she ask him - why do you ask meif you are not going to give me what i say i want. i imagine that this is about more than not using the handcuffs. she needs to talk to him and ask. before she answers, she needs to be sure of what she wants and what she needs as these two are different as has been stated here.

Talking is a good thing. Talking directly to the partner with whom is involved is even better.

-a-

(in reply to SmoothBoy4DomGuy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 3:17:06 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Firstly, why can't she access this site? It costs nothing but a few minutes of her time....

Secondly, I hate these questions posed on behalf because there's always relevant information missing. Whether it's something you left out or misunderstood or that she's been particular in what she's told you, this doesn't make much sense for a supposed M/s relationship.

Based on what there is here, he sounds like a token master. Cuffs are relevant to me and my relationships because they're just one means of physically controlling my girl. The point being that D/s or M/s *relationships* are about one controlling the other; be it rules, rituals and restrictions or the directly physical such as bondage.

To me, this sounds like it isn't his need to control her at all. His only efforts seem to be a bit of lip service to her needs. I'm a Dom and Master within my relationships because I live and breathe controlling my girl - I've gotta have it! And I'll wager this friend of yours craves much more than just being bound to something, she wants her "master" to control her. She'll be needing a Dom for that, not the all too familiar vanilla who's become bored with playing a part.

Focus.

(in reply to SmoothBoy4DomGuy)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 3:58:25 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

there is even a pair of cuffs attached to the headboard of their bed, yet he never uses them unless she tells him she wants him to, and she doesn't tell him because she doesn't want to "top from the bottom".


Geez
He needs to attend "Domination 101".
Let's take up a collection and pay for his tuition.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 6:06:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: newflowers

i would suggest that she ask him - why do you ask meif you are not going to give me what i say i want. i imagine that this is about more than not using the handcuffs. she needs to talk to him and ask. before she answers, she needs to be sure of what she wants and what she needs as these two are different as has been stated here.

Talking is a good thing. Talking directly to the partner with whom is involved is even better.

-a-

I echo this. Has she attempted yet to communicate her frustration? Does she ever just ask AT THE MOMENT for what she wants? I know it's very hard for some slaves to be direct and actually OPEN about what they want, but it's a necessary element.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 6:46:18 AM   
MJSunshine


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

there is even a pair of cuffs attached to the headboard of their bed, yet he never uses them unless she tells him she wants him to, and she doesn't tell him because she doesn't want to "top from the bottom".


Geez
He needs to attend "Domination 101".
Let's take up a collection and pay for his tuition.



Why? You've made a presumption that there is something wrong with HIM here.

Master regularly asks me what it is that I want. Just because I want something does not entitle me to have it. For instance, I love ice play. Do we play with ice? Nope. Not as of yet anyway. He knows this is one of my foremost wants and I will be rewarded with it when He deems it appropriate.

Master would see giving me everything I want as spoiling His child. I don't want to be spoiled. He listens and stores away what He knows about me and what I would like for future reference. Very rarely is there instant gratification in this relationship and this teachs me patience.

It's OK for her to talk with her Master about her wants/desires...but to then expect them automatically? For what? What has she done to deserve the reward of having her wants and desires fulfilled? I would also say that to ask "why do you ask me if you are not going to give me what i say i want" is a BAD (as in confrontational and accusatory) way to start the conversation. Rather, to ask "You have asked me what it is that i would want and i have told You. Yet You have not acted upon those wants. Is there something i could do to be rewarded with these wants?"

Respectfully,
MJS

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 6:58:14 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Why? You've made a presumption that there is something wrong with HIM here.


Yep, I certainly did.
I would be displeased with a "Dom" who failed to understand that his job is to dominate me.
Call me silly.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MJSunshine)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:10:27 AM   
MJSunshine


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Yep, I certainly did.
I would be displeased with a "Dom" who failed to understand that his job is to dominate me.
Call me silly.



You've also made the presumption that his non-use of the handcuffs is a failure to dominate. Perhaps the handcuffs are hanging from the headboard as a psychological tool to dominate. As in "I know you want the handcuffs but I, as your Master, decide when and IF they get used".

I would think a Master might be displeased with a "sub" who failed to understand when she was being dominated. Call me silly.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:22:59 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

I would think a Master might be displeased with a "sub" who failed to understand when she was being dominated. Call me silly.

Ok, I'll call you silly. If a sub fails to understand when she is being dominated, then it isn't happening. The psychological symbols of domination you mention are nothing more than superficial ornaments, and no more meaningful than dressing in leather and saying "I'm a dom!"

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to MJSunshine)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:31:35 AM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Why? You've made a presumption that there is something wrong with HIM here.



Sounds like a reasonable assumption from the limited information we've been give; if not "Him", one would reasonably presume that there is something lacking in the realtionship. I however balk at the idea of contributing.

quote:

Master would see giving me everything I want as spoiling His child. I don't want to be spoiled. He listens and stores away what He knows about me and what I would like for future reference. Very rarely is there instant gratification in this relationship and this teachs me patience.


You've made the presumption that this man has similar characteristics as your master.

quote:

Rather, to ask "You have asked me what it is that i would want and i have told You. Yet You have not acted upon those wants. Is there something i could do to be rewarded with these wants?"


Good advice; however you presume that what perhaps works in your relationship would work in the one given. I would presume that you are content in yours and that she in not content with hers, whatever the dynamics.

Sartoris



< Message edited by Sartoris32801 -- 12/30/2005 7:44:52 AM >

_____________________________

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

(in reply to MJSunshine)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:33:42 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		If I was her, I'd put on the handcuffs myself, then swallow the key.

Next question?

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:48:31 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

there is even a pair of cuffs attached to the headboard of their bed, yet he never uses them unless she tells him she wants him to,


Who's dominating whom here?
I wouldn't be bold enough to make that request.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to fastlane)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:48:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
Ok, I'll call you silly. If a sub fails to understand when she is being dominated, then it isn't happening. The psychological symbols of domination you mention are nothing more than superficial ornaments, and no more meaningful than dressing in leather and saying "I'm a dom!"

This is why I don't like when subs go on and on about how a dom needs to "inspire" submission. It's such a blame game.

Everyone is responsible for the health of the relationship as a whole. No one FEELS happy and yummy all the time. It's not necessarily the other persons fault if you don't, and sometimes it's NO ONE's fault.

However, it is something that everyone needs to work on together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 7:58:22 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

I would think a Master might be displeased with a "sub" who failed to understand when she was being dominated. Call me silly.

Ok, I'll call you silly. If a sub fails to understand when she is being dominated, then it isn't happening. The psychological symbols of domination you mention are nothing more than superficial ornaments, and no more meaningful than dressing in leather and saying "I'm a dom!"

Well pervert, this, IMO, is incorrect. Just because one does not understand that something is going on does not mean that it is not happening, it just means that they don't comprehend it at that time. Will they ever understand what is going on? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she is so focused on what she wants, she fails to see is that he is dominanting her in a way other then what she expects. And, as the Master, it is upto him to decide how he dominates, not her. If it were upto her then she truely is just topping from the bottom. Did everyone who witnessed the first atom bomb comprehend what was going on? No. Does that mean it didn't happen. Ofcourse not.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 8:12:29 AM   
MJSunshine


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sartoris32801

Sounds like a reasonable assumption from the limited information we've been give; if not "Him", one would reasonably presume that there is something lacking in the realtionship. I however balk at the idea of contributing.


My point was that there were assumptions made that he was a lousy/lazy dom based on the limited information provided. AND not only was this information passed to us via a third party but one whose POV is based on one-sided information from the submissive.


quote:

You've made the presumption that this man has similar characteristics as your master.


Incorrect. I've made no presumptions. Simply pointed out the other side - rather than him being the problem - perhaps the problem is her.


I can't really say one way or the other what the problem is here - as we all do, I need more information directly from the source. However, to jump to the immediate conclusion that the guy is a terrible Master and needs to go to a class to learn how to dominate was, IMHO, pretty hasty.


(in reply to Sartoris32801)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 8:22:25 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
Ok, I'll call you silly. If a sub fails to understand when she is being dominated, then it isn't happening. The psychological symbols of domination you mention are nothing more than superficial ornaments, and no more meaningful than dressing in leather and saying "I'm a dom!"

This is why I don't like when subs go on and on about how a dom needs to "inspire" submission. It's such a blame game.

Everyone is responsible for the health of the relationship as a whole. No one FEELS happy and yummy all the time. It's not necessarily the other persons fault if you don't, and sometimes it's NO ONE's fault.

However, it is something that everyone needs to work on together.

Now this post I find to be more reasonable. The first thing people seem to like to do is point fingers and blame. Usually it's at the Dom/Master. Is everyone always going to be happy all the time in a relationship. No. Does that mean that there is something wrong, not necessarily. It is everyones responsibility to see to the health of a relationship. If she needs the handcuffs to create the headspace for her, she needs to ask what he needs to create the headspace for him.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 8:46:20 AM   
Nendarye


Posts: 147
Joined: 12/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		In the past, Master had asked me what I liked, wanted, and needed. He listened to all of my answers, and then proceeded to do what HE felt was best. I never questioned him or his decisions. If he chose not to bind me, then that is his choice, and it was and is not my place to question him as to why.

_____________________________

" You may be suffering, but you will always suffer with love"

@~~Proud property of Master Michael~~@

(in reply to SmoothBoy4DomGuy)
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RE: Sub needs advise about getting what she needs from ... - 12/30/2005 10:03:46 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Wants vs needs :)

Wanting something because it makes you feel good does not mean that you need it.
Wanting to be bound, is very different from needing it to be done. I like being bound, I want it...but the only time I am bound is after session because it is needed...I become quite feisty to the point of fighting my partner physically...therefore its a need on his part to have me bound. Has nothing to do with what I want though.

And...I would never presume to tell my partner that HE NEEDS TO DO THIS for me...that is not my decision to make...he can ask me what I like, and he can ask me how I would like to see things unfold...but in the end, it's HIS decision to make, and I would never question him as to WHY.

Just my two cents though :)

(in reply to SmoothBoy4DomGuy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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