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RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 8:52:41 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I don't feel worthy of him. Up until now he has told me my gift of subsmission to him is his prize and I have felt like a princess. Knowing no bounds to what i would do for, or offer to him. Today I feel infected, dirty and a risk. I don't like myself at all today.

If anybody can relate to any of this or has any advice I am desperate to hear from you.

He's known your status all along, and it hasn't stopped him.  He's accepted you as you are--and that includes the Hep C and attendant risks.

You haven't violated any trust, you haven't been irresponsible, you haven't done any wrong that I can see.

Your words say he accepts you as you are.  My advice to you is to trust his judgment on the matter, and do the same--accept you as you are.


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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 11:52:34 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:

my ex-husband told me he was Hep C positive. I have since been tested and found out I too am positive.


if you both have it, what's the worry?


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great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 11:55:18 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Her ex is not her dominant

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RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 12:54:42 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		in reading between the lines, it might help me to read the lines as well huh?


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 2:31:40 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		i think i've decided that if i were in your shoes i'd feel the same way, and i imagine most people would.  that certainly would put a blow on my self esteem anyway, and make me feel a bit like 'who would want me now?', but i think that's pretty much just the bad habit people often have of beating yourself up needlessly. 

reversing the situation i can't find myself looking at someone so coldly, and if i liked someone enough, i'm not sure what would possibly be enough to deter me from choosing to be with them.  since he's choosing to be with you regardless, i'd find that pretty encouraging; enough so to not worry about feeling worthless~

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 12/18/2008 2:40:20 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 8:35:31 PM   
Kitty4Maitre


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		What a difference a day makes.  WOW.   Thank you all so very much for the wonderful support and advice offered to me, you have helped me navigate through a very dark day.

LuckyA I broke down with tears of pure relief at your post, and indeed I can now aim to fully realize my subsmission in finding acceptance of all of me.

And, Mist...such a considered and knowledgable post.  I think there was certainly an element of sub drop involved in my anxiety and I can feel the chemical fog has begun to lift today.  Thanks so very much for pointing out something I had failed to consider.

Ahh, life is good again..xx

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 8:40:37 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I think that you are unnecessarily pathologizing yourself; you were up front about it, he said he's fine with it, he's fine with it most likely.  You're more than your Hepatitis status.  It seems as if you have good communication between the two of you.  Talk about it.  Also, work within yourself to acknowledge those other things about yourself besides the issue.  Also, I haven't read the other posts but someone may have already pointed out that he's the Dominant, you've been up front, your Master told youhe's good to go, thus, worry not.  And, really, accept yourself; sounds as if he already does.  :> 
  Davan

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/18/2008 9:57:32 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		Sir had Hep C over 20 years ago, He thinks He caught it via a needle stick from a discarded syringe when He was working as a council gardener.  He's very lucky, He has no liver damage, but He still carries the Hep C antibodies in His blood.

It is unlikely that I will catch anything from Him.  Although we do haemodialysis at home, and there are needles (cannulas) and blood involved, I always wear latex gloves when cannulating and if there may be contact with blood (He insists on it) and I am very careful with disposal of used needles.  All the bloodlines and contaminated waste go in a special bin which is collected every 6 weeks or so.

I don't consider Him to be "infected" - He could say the same about me, because I am prone to outbreaks of cold sores (herpes simplex)   As long as simple precautions are taken I don't see a problem.  Kitty you seem to have found a good Master there



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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/19/2008 12:05:19 AM   
JBristol


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/27/2007
From: Bristol
Status: offline 		Kitty,
In your position, I think I would feel exactly the same.
That said though, it sounds to me like you have the basis for a good sound relationship. Openness, honesty, trust, mutual respect.
The shock and upset of finding out you have this is still raw, but having your Dom by your side, which he obviously is, will make things easier to deal with in the long term.

Maybe part of what your feeling is because your relationship IS going so well, that you are feeling apprehensive that this cant last, But there is no reason that it cant.

I know its easier said than done sometimes,  but try to focus on the good things that you have in your life, and building on the trust you have in each other.

Good luck with your treatment.

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/19/2008 1:08:11 PM   
justgemmie


Posts: 246
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

Hepatitis virusses are very nasty. A friend of mine is schizophrenic and I suspect that is the consequence of her hep C infection.


first ~~  Rule, i have never heard of such a thing as this in my life, and i have done tons and tons and tons of research.  Quit trying to scare the girl.

second, to the OP ~~ you're not "dirty" or anything like that.  you're the victim of life is all sweetie.

research the disease and don't let others' lack of real knowledge (e.g., their misinformation) bring ya down.  do what you can to make yourself better.  do the treatment with a positive attitude, allow Him to help you remain positive cause the treatment isn't a bed of roses, as i'm sure your doctor has told you.  don't get your hopes toooo high just in case cause it's not 100% effective, but know that you have a better than average chance.  keep your chin up sweetie.

as to your Master.  you don't have the right to make His decisions for Him kitty.  He's an adult and can make the decisions that are right for Him.  allow Him that.

and best of luck to you,
gemmie

P.S.   also remember, this is new to you.  at first anything can be terrifying and scarey.  but with knowledge, and some time to get used to it, and a Dominant who supports you, it will get easier with time.

< Message edited by justgemmie -- 12/19/2008 1:13:53 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/19/2008 4:32:30 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		I think you need to make sure you keep that man...he's looked past your skin and seen You..not a sickness...but a real person.  And thats something to treasure,believe me.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/20/2008 4:30:32 AM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good morning,
I have vaginal atrophy (dry, burning, pain like yeast infections but is not) and panic attacks. I always feel so guilty when I cannot be used or penetrated. I feel like I am disappointing him or "less than" or not what he needs. I feel incomplete, not worthy of anyone and that no one will want me. That is why I left my first Master, he suggested -as a remedy-finding someone else to join us when  I could not be used sexually. Oh no-I need monogamy. Worst thing is that during the playtime , I will not be in pain alot but right afterwards or in the days following I will, so it's real hard for me to gauge when to stop and when to continue playing. Talk about not feeling like a "true slave"!
   But I read alot on here..esp. the health sections and am coming to realize that there are ALOT of us that have illnesses and not only is that okay but somehow that makes us more special b/c we require more care. That the Doms/Dommes that own us, are even more patient and loving and caring towards us. And slowly, I am coming round to loosing that guilt that I feel when i start to hurt.  I always thought I was the only one that felt this way, having these emotions and feeling my mind do the 90 miles per hour guilt trip. Turns out that Daddy understands more than I realized and all I have to do it just close my eyes, wrap my arms around him, cry thru the pain, and know he understands-somehow. Too simple-maybe but baby steps (no pun intended! lol) in trusting what he says will get you to that point. Good luck!!
Love,
Zechriel 


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Infected "gift" - 12/22/2008 10:41:58 AM   
jen182


Posts: 495
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline 		your Dom is aware that you have this ....as i seen someone else say its only a part of you, and your going to be treated, listen to your Dom, he still cares a lot about you or He would have cut ties when he found out

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/11/2009 9:27:27 AM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
ORIGINAL: Zechriel
Good morning,
I have vaginal atrophy (dry, burning, pain like yeast infections but is not) and panic attacks.


That's pretty painfull Zechriel, do you use lub while you play? I prefer Eros, it's a great kind of lub which isn't sticky and doesn't dry up as KY for instance. Do you've help for the panick atacks hon?
quote:

I always feel so guilty when I cannot be used or penetrated. I feel like I am disappointing him or "less than" or not what he needs. I feel incomplete, not worthy of anyone and that no one will want me.

It must be awfull to feel that way, it's not something you do deliberatly right?I do hope that your Daddy now, helps you
grow stronger and more confident.

 
quote:


But I read alot on here..esp. the health sections and am coming to realize that there are ALOT of us that have illnesses and not only is that okay but somehow that makes us more special b/c we require more care.


That's what is so great about the forum
to learn from others, and that Wwe go through the same
things at times, and you aren't alone!


quote:

Turns out that Daddy understands more than I realized and all I have to do it just close my eyes, wrap my arms around him, cry thru the pain, and know he understands-somehow. Too simple-maybe but baby steps (no pun intended! lol) in trusting what he says will get you to that point. Good luck!!
I'm happy for you you've found your match,
I wish you enough Zechriel.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`



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~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/11/2009 12:43:06 PM   
bamagirl4u


Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline 		It sounds like your Dom has a very strong shoulder~~lean on him.  You have been honest with him and he wants you for who you are, Hep C is a virus.  It is unfortunate you contracted it, but don't let it destroy your life.  Take one day at a time and be glad you have such an understanding partner.  You are not "dirty"...or any less a sub.  I hope you feel better about yourself soon...

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/12/2009 2:00:23 PM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		I have no idea about HepC but if it makes you tired or with less energy I would take things slower

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: My gift is infected.... - 1/13/2009 4:39:42 AM   
unownedredhead


Posts: 498
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KokuRan
.......Hep C is a virus. So is the common cold. Sometimes Bronchitis is caused by a virus. 
   I think that sounds too light.  Hep C is a liver disease that can kill you.  Keep being careful.  Good luck with your treatment.  It will make you feel like you have the flu but it is worth it in the end.  Sounds like you are second guessing your Dom.  Take him at his word.


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/13/2009 6:30:25 AM   
YoursMistress


Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
You mention that you are new to submission and that this was a rather long and intimate encounter. I believe that you are likely experiencing some degree of sub drop. It is very common that submissives will feel "unworthy" while they are experiencing sub drop...even submissives who do not have your health issue. I believe that you should take comfort in the support that he is offering and my bet is that in a day or so it will all come clearly back into focus for you. Allow yourself the time for the chemical soup in your brain to clear and your body and mind to return to it's normal, more rational state. You wouldn't expect yourself to be able to clearly analyze a situation while under the influence of morphine....this is really not all that much different.


Thanks for describing this mist, I had never heard the term but can relate to the feeling.  In my experience one can tend to focus on a slip (real or imagined) and the realization of a physical condition or limitation could be the seed for crystallization of such feelings and draw one down into the feelings of unworthiness even given the strongest and most sincere of support. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: unownedredhead

quote:

ORIGINAL: KokuRan
.......Hep C is a virus. So is the common cold. Sometimes Bronchitis is caused by a virus. 
   I think that sounds too light.  Hep C is a liver disease that can kill you.  Keep being careful.  Good luck with your treatment.  It will make you feel like you have the flu but it is worth it in the end.  Sounds like you are second guessing your Dom.  Take him at his word.



unownedredhead, I don't think that KokuRan was making light as much as trying to peel away any feeling of shame in that those other illnesses that are generally not considered "dirty" or "shameful" may be transmitted in the same fashion and that the shame is not deserved. 

yours


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May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/15/2009 1:06:22 AM   
femmetasia


Posts: 40
Joined: 11/18/2008
Status: offline 		Reading everyones replies here only reminds me how beautifully supportive this community is on the whole and i hope some of the replies give you confidence and help you though this. 

The fact that your D has been so supportive now that the issue has raised it's head could in the long run be something that draws you only closer together for the commitment it takes for honest discussion. 



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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Infected "gift" - 1/15/2009 8:40:35 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		kitty, I'm so glad that you are feeling better about things.  What might make you feel even better is in knowing that we all carry our own imperfections and sometimes don't know the extent of them until we are in a relationship. 

This may sound silly, and please feel free to laugh, but I cannot wear high heels.  I have had spinal cord damage and have no feeling in one heel, so I literally fall down trying to walk in high heels because I can't feel the placement of my foot.  I have been both a Domme and a slave and I have had partners on both sides of the whip refuse to consider me as worthy of their time because I cannot wear high heels. 

The good thing about this is that it helps me to weed out superficial people easily.  Your Dom is obviously not superficial and chooses to focus on the real you instead of your "imperfection".  I am so happy for you and have no doubt that your relationship will continue to grow and blossom as long as that is what you focus on and not your perceived flaw.  If anything, it might make you even more dear to him because you were honest about it and the two of you are now working with it together. 


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