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What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 7:26:06 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

For those of you that do not know me, I was introduced to the lifestyle at the tender age of 17 as a submissive by an older dominant man. Over the last 19 years, I have spent time on all sides of the whip. I could get into all the reasons why for each role and how I finally came to peace, but this thread is not entitled the D/s journey of LadyKim. Though I denied my true nature for several years, it did help me understand more of what the submissive's role is and some major differences of opinion that arise.

I think it would be interesting to get people's opinions on the responsibilites of a submissive in a D/s relationship.

What do you believe a submissive's responsibilies are?

MzKim

Post #: 1

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 7:34:11 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

Yes, I know each relationship is different with different expectations; however, there are some common threads that I believe get lost in the shuffle when outlining the specific 'wants' or 'desires' of a dominant.

I have my 'subbie do' list when a submissive is in service to me that outline his or her service responsibilities based on things I absolutely hate doing for myself and items that utilize a specific submissives talents. As you can imagine, the list changes from week to week (with some items always present) based on the submissive and what needs done at the time.

However, I believe a submissive has more responsibilities than those that are service oriented. The ones I see as being vital to any D/s or M/s relationship I enter into are respect, honesty, integrity, and COMMUNCIATION!!!!

There are some submissives that think the amount of pain they can endure equals their degree of submissiveness. Some believe that the dominant will KNOW when enough is enough, so it is not their place to 'take control' by using a safe word or calling a halt. Some believe that they should only tell a dominant what she/he wants to hear to prove they are exactly what the dominant wants in a submissive.

While I believe that a dominant does get to the point of being able to read a submissive's body language and 'energy' (I know that sounds so New Age, but it fits here), it usually requires spending time together to get to that point. People that have been in a D/s or M/s relationship for a while develop a communication style between them that is not always reliant on vocal expression. However, I find verbal communication indespensible at the beginning of a relationship.

I believe the submissive has the responsibility to let the dominant know what their desires and dreams are, when an activities frightens them or becomes too intense. I know I am not a mind reader, and I do not feel the impact of an impliment to the same degree the submissive does receiving it. I have not had the life experiences the submissive has had, and without communication from the submissive I only have my own experiences to draw my conclusions and opinions.

Just my two and a half cents.
MzKim

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 2

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 7:41:55 AM

pup

Posts: 69
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Anaheim, CA, US
Status: offline

That is a subject our groups have been talking a lot on lately.

I find that a submissives responsibilities are pretty much the same as the Dominants.

It all boils down to respect, acceptance, and trust.

With the respect, comes the ability to worship, serve, and attend to orders with or without question.
It allows for sharing of kinks on both sides regardless of the levels of want each other has in a particular action.

Acceptance allows me to choose to take a knee ever when I am in anger.. it allows myself and my dominant to reset our minds out of that vanilla "IM RIGHT.. " "NO IM RIGHT DAMNIT" .. and set into the responsibility and respect we share as Master and slave.

I choose to accept that headspace, over fuming and fighting and not playing for days on end. I accept my position as a slave, which allows my Master to accept their role, and we are then able to communicate and work out the problem, instead of ranting and raving and emotionally attacking each other.

Trust allows for the acceptance and respect to develop. We trust in each others abilities to communicate, rationalize, and respect each other and our roles and spiritual guidance.

In the end, a submissive has one responsibility that is more prominent than the dominants.. and that is simply "anticipation".

As a servant, we are expected to notice subtlety and inference, and even be a little bit psychic in our actions.

Nothing brings a smile to my Masters face than having a straw in his soda, just before they think to ask for one.

At the end of the day, the respect we have for each other, our roles, and our personal and physical capabilities is what allows our roles to even occur on any level.

_____________________________

A pony boy, a puppy, and many others trapped in a cage..

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 3

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 7:45:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim
What do you believe a submissive's responsibilies are?
MzKim

Well there are the standard, the things that every person in every type of relationship need to be responsible for in order for the relationship to work long term- self-awareness, understanding, communication, honesty, trust, desire, and commitment. The sub (and everyone else) needs to b aware of and own these things for themselves.

Beyond that, the sub is responsible for whatever they agree to in the relationship. This is why it's so important to understand what the expectations are BEFORE consenting to the relationship.

Being a submissive IS a responsibility, and there ARE skills beyond just laying sensuously on the floor and saying "whatever you wish sir" that come into play.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 4

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 8:28:53 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

For me the main things are about service, accomodation, learning & remembering what he likes (and what he doesn't like), being open to new things and nurturing a deeper trust.

And trying to behave when things come out of the toy bag that I don't enjoy.

edited for spelling

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 12/30/2005 8:29:28 AM >

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 8:41:13 AM

Nendarye

Posts: 147
Joined: 12/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Well, when Master and I are together my duties are more than usual. I keep the house clean, cook, do laundry, etc. These are integrated with any other activities he may have planned for us. Now, since we do not live together, and do not have an active relationship anymore, it kind of differs.

I talk with Master every day; he asks what I did, how I am doing, how work was, how my daughter is doing. I tell him of anything that was particularly stressful, ask his advice on things, etc. Communication is very important between us, as is being honest with each other, trusting each other, and my loyalty to him.

There are still times that he will tell me to do a particular thing, or go a particular place, or talk to a certain person; which I do without hesitation because I know it all has to do with my learning and growing. I still rely on him for advice, and will not hesitate to ask him for it. There are things that concern my daughter that I bring up with him, and his concerns and advice are always taken to heart.

And there are the times that we do get to see each other. My actions apart from him are taken into consideration, as well as my actions while with him.

I go out of my way to make him proud of me. His anger or displeasure in me is not something that I ever want to see or hear. I trust him completly, not only with my life and my happiness, but with the concerns of my family also. I can talk to him about anything and know that he will not look down on me, or think less of me. I may not like his answers at times, but I know in my soul that he only wants what is best for me. I try to conduct myself everyday as if I was in his presence, in a way that I know he would find pleasing. At work and at home.

_____________________________

" You may be suffering, but you will always suffer with love"

@~~Proud property of Master Michael~~@

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 6

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 8:46:20 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I agree with what pup wrote to a good extent.

However I also think it depends on how you are using the term submissive.

In my useage, being "submissive" means that someone submits to me for a certain amount of time for a particular scene where they obey me and temporary turn over authority to me. We scene and then we are back to equals. In these cases are responsibilities are really identical in that we agree to fulfill our roles for this particular scene. There may be specific things each of us agrees top do but since the time period is limited I don't think the differences are that great.

Other people use the term "submissive" to mean different things -- some of these I'd define as more bottom role or a slave role. Those have, in my opinion, different responsibilities. The greatest variation in the responsibilities, in my opinion again, is for slaves. The variation is based on both the nature of a slave's role and the nature of the relationship between slave and owner.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 7

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 8:52:56 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
We all have responsibility to God, our Family, our community, and our country. This I feel fits all Dom or sub.
I think a submissive's first responsibility is to her/his self. To take proper care of their body and mind, to develop good habits, to train physically and mentally to be as healthy as possible,and to understand their own needs and what they want. The second responsibility is to make lists of their wants and hard limits and to update them as those desires change. The third is to find a Dominant person that can fill the needs they have in SS&c ways.
Beyond the point of finding someone to give your will to the responsibility is not only theirs, but also their Dom's so those vary based on the Dominant ones desires and needs. From the point of commiting to submit your will to another a submissive's main goal is to please and be pleasing to her/his Dom.
SIncerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 8

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 9:14:12 AM

pup

Posts: 69
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Anaheim, CA, US
Status: offline

I try to steer clear of that definition game.. gets ya into an argument everytime.

I was just using it loosely as a catch all for slave, servant, sub.. what have ya.. in a fulltime text.

Regardless of a quick play or a roleplay, or fulltime.. in my world, I have to have that level of respect or it just isnt going to happen for me.

There is an explanation of definitions and perspective that you draw a 3 on a piece of paper. 4 people sitting at different sides. The person that drew it sees a 3, the person to the left sees an M, the person to the right sees a W, and the person across the way sees and E.

_____________________________

A pony boy, a puppy, and many others trapped in a cage..

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 9:41:53 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pup

I try to steer clear of that definition game.. gets ya into an argument everytime.

I was just using it loosely as a catch all for slave, servant, sub.. what have ya.. in a fulltime text.

Regardless of a quick play or a roleplay, or fulltime.. in my world, I have to have that level of respect or it just isnt going to happen for me.

There is an explanation of definitions and perspective that you draw a 3 on a piece of paper. 4 people sitting at different sides. The person that drew it sees a 3, the person to the left sees an M, the person to the right sees a W, and the person across the way sees and E.

I agree.

I was more pointing out that those definitions are there. I think it might be an interesting idea that when a thread is started, a definition is given so that we can then be talking about the same thing.

I'm not sure what the original poster means by "Submissive" and therefore can't offer more than my different definition as a way to try and clarify my answer.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to pup)

Post #: 10

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 9:56:57 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I think it would be interesting to get people's opinions on the responsibilites of a submissive in a D/s relationship.

I could be cliched here and say 'whatever the Master/Dom wants' are the responsibilities, but we all know that that is not very realistic :)

I think that the responsibilities are so different for so many different people that the possibilities are endless. Right now, my only responsibilites are taking care of me and mine. In a relationship, that would change to include taking care of His, us, and ours.

It could be nothing more simple than just keeping a house clean, making sure there is food, helping with other things, etc...it could also be taking care of the sexual side of things...what he wanted, what he needed, tempered with the day to day needs and wants of life.

quote:

However, I believe a submissive has more responsibilities than those that are service oriented. The ones I see as being vital to any D/s or M/s relationship I enter into are respect, honesty, integrity, and COMMUNCIATION!!!!

I agree 100% with you here, but...these things should NOT be limited to just a D/s or M/s relationship...they should be of the utmost importance in ANY relationship.

quote:

While I believe that a dominant does get to the point of being able to read a submissive's body language and 'energy' (I know that sounds so New Age, but it fits here), it usually requires spending time together to get to that point. People that have been in a D/s or M/s relationship for a while develop a communication style between them that is not always reliant on vocal expression. However, I find verbal communication indespensible at the beginning of a relationship.

Absolutly. Verbal communication is important throughout the relationship. Just because someone can read my body language to the point that they know when to stop, does not mean that talking about things should stop.

quote:

believe the submissive has the responsibility to let the dominant know what their desires and dreams are, when an activities frightens them or becomes too intense.

I agree, though some will say that it looks and feels as a failure on their part to please their Master/Dominant. Letting your partner know how something affects you is EXTREMELY important.

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 11

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 12:14:50 PM

phoenixslave

Posts: 66
Joined: 6/13/2004
Status: offline

Communication. Complete honesty and candor . And responsibility itself.
As a slave i am responsible for my actions to a depth no free person has to be. No hiding from problems or ignoring them. Being able to put everything and anything aside to attend to Master. And one hard one for me. Living up to someone else's definition of myself. Master sees his property as smarter, stronger, more capable. It is an expectation and a goal to be met every day, every moment.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 12:28:39 PM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

To clarify what I mean by SUBMISSIVE in starting this thread...........

A person who chooses to yield his or her self to the authority, will, and goverance of another person.

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 13

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 12:49:50 PM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

IrishMist,

Thank you for your response. You got to the heart of what I was trying to express in this thread and get feedback on.

Someone on an earlier thread today asked what was the difference in being dominant vs domineering and sadism vs abuse. In typing my thoughts to the thread (that are floating around somewhere in the abyss of the world wide web because of a glitch), I got to thinking about how important it is to get feedback when engaging in more severe forms of play. I tell submissives before we play that I am not going to stop the scene repeatedly to ask them how they are doing because it takes both of us out of our headspace and takes away from what is happening. I let them know it is their responsibility to let me know if they need me to pull back a little bit because it is getting too intense then build them back up slowly to eventually go further (by saying YELLOW) or if we have hit a point that the activities need to halt all together (by saying RED). If things are going too light, they also have the option of saying GREEN to let me know they want it kicked up a knotch or ten.

Despite going over that with some submissives, I still run into some stubborn souls that will not use a safe word for anything believing it to be a sign of weakness. My personal view of safe words is that they provide me with the information I need to be able to guide a scene into being a positive experience for all parties involved. When a submissive does speak up with a yellow, it let's me know I need to desensatize the area a bit more before trying to go further with it or to work more on where their head is to help them find the wave of endorphines that will allow them to be pushed to new places they may not get to visit often. A submissive that does not utilize safewords runs the risk of a negative experience because they have not provided the dominant with necessary information only the submissive's body and brain can provide.

MzKim

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 14

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 1:07:54 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

i think a submissives responsibilities are to be open, honest, communicative, adaptive and able to contribute what is needed or desired in a relationship. they should also be loyal, faithful and willing to anticipate their Dominants needs.

it's not all about playtime, but about day-to-day activities, such as shopping, cleaning, cooking...there's so many things. it's not easy to list everything much less categorize the responsibilities of a sub.

just a few things i picked up along the way, but there's such a wide variety of other things that a sub may be responsible for.

there are also responsibilities that a Dominant has to balance things out too

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 15

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 2:14:34 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

My responsibilities to Master as his slave are:
1. To be honest generally and to communicate my feelings and thoughts honestly.
2. To obey.
3. To be supportive.
4. To submit to his final authority.
5. To please him.
6. To make him proud of me.
7. To be faithful and devoted.
8. To remember my position.
9. To take care of him, including making sure his coffee is made first thing in the morning, ensuring he has clean clothes to wear, good food in his belly, house clean etc.
10. And last but not least to be sexually adventurous and fun.

If I asked Master what my responsibilities were, he would say one thing most likely as he has said it before, its simply "To obey".

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 16

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 5:14:23 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree with thetammyjo about timings. When we are together my Submissive is responsible for: Honesty, communicating her needs and feelings, OBEDIENCE, and ensuring my pleasure. After we finish our scene she is basically my equal (with some limitations) and is treated as a lady and a friend.

I have to admit that I really like Slavejali's list better and may add a few of those things to Kari's responsibilities.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 17

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 5:45:01 PM

camigirl

Posts: 42
Joined: 9/18/2004
Status: offline

quote:

A person who chooses to yield his or her self to the authority, will, and goverance of another person.

I would say you answered your own question with this statement.
The core of a submissives responsibility is to make that choice or open herself to yeild. After that, its what ever the relationship needs.

camigirl

_____________________________

You had me at "stay"

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 18

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 9:16:06 PM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

camigirl,

That is the definition of a submissive not the responsibilities of a submissive. The point of this thread is to dispel the notion that their only responsibility is to surrender, endure, and/or serve. There is more.... much more.

MzKim

(in reply to camigirl)

Post #: 19

RE: What are a submissive's responsibilities? - 12/30/2005 9:34:32 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim

IrishMist,

Thank you for your response. You got to the heart of what I was trying to express in this thread and get feedback on.

Someone on an earlier thread today asked what was the difference in being dominant vs domineering and sadism vs abuse. In typing my thoughts to the thread (that are floating around somewhere in the abyss of the world wide web because of a glitch), I got to thinking about how important it is to get feedback when engaging in more severe forms of play. I tell submissives before we play that I am not going to stop the scene repeatedly to ask them how they are doing because it takes both of us out of our headspace and takes away from what is happening. I let them know it is their responsibility to let me know if they need me to pull back a little bit because it is getting too intense then build them back up slowly to eventually go further (by saying YELLOW) or if we have hit a point that the activities need to halt all together (by saying RED). If things are going too light, they also have the option of saying GREEN to let me know they want it kicked up a knotch or ten.

Despite going over that with some submissives, I still run into some stubborn souls that will not use a safe word for anything believing it to be a sign of weakness. My personal view of safe words is that they provide me with the information I need to be able to guide a scene into being a positive experience for all parties involved. When a submissive does speak up with a yellow, it let's me know I need to desensatize the area a bit more before trying to go further with it or to work more on where their head is to help them find the wave of endorphines that will allow them to be pushed to new places they may not get to visit often. A submissive that does not utilize safewords runs the risk of a negative experience because they have not provided the dominant with necessary information only the submissive's body and brain can provide.

MzKim

Thank you for this post LadyKim - I have been guilty of not using a safeword when perhaps I should have, especially when I first started out with Master (almost 2 years ago now). I was afraid of disappointing Him, of not being good enough. However, now I know I have that responsibility of taking care of myself and letting Him know how I am feeling, and not just in a scene.

I am Master's full time carer as well as His submissive. I have responsibilities as far as medications, setting up His home dialysis machine, keeping an eye on His blood sugar levels, as well as taking care of the household. He has expressed a wish to know if ever I feel unwell, stressed or generally need a nap or a break. Even if it's a simple headache, He wants to know about it.

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 20

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