RE: deceit and Dominance

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: deceit and Dominance

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: deceit and Dominance

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 2:57:14 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

It must be really frustrating to state that even though you met online, most of your relationship was real-time... and have no one see or understand that.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 21

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 3:22:04 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

just a tad Cali, thank you for understanding.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 22

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 3:22:07 PM

Racquelle

Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

I just saw another profile on TV about that male dom who manipulated several and then killed a sub he met online. He is, by far, the exception, not the rule. But a few things the women they interviewed spoke to some of the inherent pitfalls of connecting online for this specific kind of relationship. When you meet online, there is sometimes a tremendous frenzy of verbal communication, but it's written, which means each of us self-edits, simply by nature of the medium. Is it an intent to be deceptive? Perhaps not. For many it is simply an intent to show ourselves in the best light - like a job interview. Then there is really very little opportunity for the other forms of communication that we rely on in "meatspace". We do not neccessarily realize what we are missing.

Plus, you are a sub who is searching. You openly communicate a desire to find someone who is strong, charismatic, persuasive. Those kinds of traits are a double edged sword. A person who wants to deceive and manipulate will exploit your need.

The good thing is that you did spend enough time with him in real-life to pick-up on the signals that made you uncomfortable, and you made the choice to look a little deeper. A relationship like this requires MORE disclosure, not less. From what you say, you have learned a lot. You are not the only person to have ever been deceived this way. It's good of you to share though - because then everyone learns from your experience.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 23

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 3:28:38 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

I just saw another profile on TV about that male dom who manipulated several and then killed a sub he met online.

First of all I gotta say.............THIS was 'some guy' and some "girl" that met online.

IMO they are not Dom or sub unless they have reached that specific GOAL in their lifestyle together.

Besides, anyone can be 'CREEPY' and end up a serial killer., the nice ones that even dress like clowns and there are no signs.

(in reply to Racquelle)

Post #: 24

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 3:40:26 PM

Racquelle

Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

I just saw another profile on TV about that male dom who manipulated several and then killed a sub he met online.

First of all I gotta say.............THIS was 'some guy' and some "girl" that met online.

IMO they are not Dom or sub unless they have reached that specific GOAL in their lifestyle together.

He defined himself as a dominant and they defined themselves as subs. They met under the context of BDSM. One of the women said "He was everything I had wanted in the perfect master, except he turned out to be a liar." Good enough for ya?

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 25

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 3:58:32 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

Fast Reply --

My first thoughts are I am sorry you are going through this.

Just because someone identifies as a Dom does not mean they don't cheat, have addictions or whatever. They are still human and lie, cheat, steal if that is there character to begin with.

If this was your first experience learn and grow from it as you would a vanilla relationship.

I was in a relationship with someone I met on another site several years ago and although it did not fulfill every need it was very fulfilling in many ways. In late October I found out he had an alcohol addiction and after 40 yrs was finally seeking help. Although we saw each other every week-ends, we did not live in the same city. I know addicts are good at hiding things and I did not know about this and like you was very hurt. I do understand " as left me 1-with my heart in my hand 2- empty 3-deceived 4-feeling like a fool".

Only you can decide if this lifestyle is for you or not. One experience does not mean every Dom is the way this one was. I am not willing to walk away as I know how good or better it can be.

Life is a roller coaster ride and part of that is learning to enjoy the ride, the highs and lows and knowing that this too will pass.

All the best.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 26

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 4:23:45 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

He defined himself as a dominant and they defined themselves as subs. They met under the context of BDSM. One of the women said "He was everything I had wanted in the perfect master, except he turned out to be a liar." Good enough for ya?

He can define himself as the Messiah...don't make him Jesus. Doesn't matter where anyone meets a nut is a nut. Besides, aren't all people everything 'they' say they are until proven otherwise? Like you said, didn't they not know eachother long in real life?

If people are liars and/or eventual murderers, it tends not to come out until there is a broken heart or at end's worse a court hearing for a murder trial.

This occuring has any likelyhood as it would anywhere else in the virtual world.

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 27

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 6:30:19 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

my idea of the lifestyle has completely changed. unfortunately i believe my first experience will be my last.

Not "lifestyle". Life. Unless you also labor under the misapprehension that other avenues of life are somehow magically devoid of deception and credulity...

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 28

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 6:47:41 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmbear

Hello bdksbabe,
....Don't take anyone who calls Himself a "Dominant" or "Master"as such until He has shown you that He IS indeed such a One!...

Exactly. Those who are skilled and knowledgeable at what they do will know to take the time to demonstrate to you that they really are who they say they are. They will almost always be expecting you to be cautious and inquisitive, and they will almost always go out of their way to be as open as they possibly can.

The ones that are pushy, strangely tempermental, or seem secretive in areas of their personal lives are the ones to watch out for. Keep your guard up with that type if you run into one of them and feel you want to pursue something.

Most importantly, you have the right to want to get to know someone and feel comfortable before you submit to them. It is not un-subly to be cautious and careful. It is in fact your responsibility to be just that...

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to bdsmbear)

Post #: 29

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 10:10:44 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

You know, sometimes people suck. It's a sad fact of life. I am sorry for you and I have been there, done that. Move on and smile at yourself for finding out now not 3 years down the road. You were smart and used your 'inner' voice and most of all LISTENED to it.

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 30

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 10:17:07 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

thank you all again for your input...which has been carefully read and taken to heart.
although i do realize my own faults in venturing into this relationship, it is also comforting
to know that it may not all be my own doing. i did not fully realize the expectations of
myself, or likewise my Dominant. althought he encouraged me to study, when i questioned
certain aspects he assured me that all view points were subjective. i do realize that i was
naieve. live and learn i suppose. ugh:)

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 31

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 10:57:25 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

greeneyedreamer--

thank you so very much! i had not looked at it in that fashion until now...but you are
precisely right, that better to find out sooner than later. that could have very well been
the case.

i am truly grateful for those of you that have responded to the thread i have posted.
i am a work in progress and appreciate the good, bad, and indifferent:)

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 32

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:06:22 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

People keep repeating it's online only, because the story feels online-only. People know my last name before I meet in real. If you spent four non-chatroom months with a guy, and knew so little about him, you were thinking with your vagina, not your brain. How were you planning to send him a Christmas card if you didn't know his last name? Did you know his home address?

That's why this sounds online. There was no incorporation of the mundane realities of life. It was an escape from reality, not an effort to build a team that was better at taking on reality than either of you were on your own.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 33

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:13:52 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

i agree with you RedMagic that people gravitate toward O/our relationship being soley of an online
nature...due to all the attributes leading in that direction. who would in their right mind continue one with
a relationship without know the nitty gritty about their partiner...well, my bad, he had led me to believe
that i should not question his leadership...when in the end i did know better.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 34

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/21/2008 3:27:32 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

i agree with you RedMagic that people gravitate toward O/our relationship being soley of an online
nature...due to all the attributes leading in that direction. who would in their right mind continue one with
a relationship without know the nitty gritty about their partiner...well, my bad, he had led me to believe
that i should not question his leadership...when in the end i did know better.

Sweetie...questioning his leadership is a bunch of bull. Where was your common sense and self respect? You slept with this man, had a relationship that you felt was heading to a commitment, and you did not know his last name?
I will not even get into the risks you took with your safety. You were in a hotel room...no doubt at some time you had to use the bathroom. How do you know he did not look in you wallet and get your checking account/charge card/social security numbers? And if he did...what are you going to tell the police? What if he seriously injured you? What would you tell the police?

I want to put on my sternest "mom" face, shake my finger at you and tell you to NEVER EVER do this again!! Ever!! You have a right to know his name and if he tells you otherwise, RUN!!!

This site has some wonderful threads that i implore you to read. Do a search on ways to stay safe when meeting for the first time.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 35

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/21/2008 5:16:22 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Sorry that yur first D/s experience went badly. You're not the first to get this, and you won't be the last.

There ARE a lot of good Doms in the lifestyle. You haven't found one yet.

(Quick aside - most of the true Doms live in Colorado. Just sayin'.)

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 36

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/21/2008 5:19:39 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

*snort* (just sayin')

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 37

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/21/2008 5:25:59 AM

SirJ40

Posts: 164
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline

There is no relationship, D/s or otherwise, as long as deceit exists. You agreed to commit.. he didn't. He agreed to lie and deceive.
Having been thru the wringer both ways... meeting people online is a wonderful opportunity to start a relationship or friendship.. but you don't know them at all until they're physically in your space and you're really experiencing them.
Best of luck.. don't give up.. it can eventually happen, for sure.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 38

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 3:58:53 AM

bosch

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2008
Status: offline

While one might think that being dominant automatically reinforces integrity of character, it does not. The world is full of creepy people, and the Internet just allows them to run amok with even less repercussion for their actions.

You need to go meet some folks face-to-face. Heck, your profile lists you as being in LA - you should have plenty of opportunities for that!

Don't beat yourself up over this; it really is no different than what happens in vanilla relationships - especially with an online component. Just don't make the same mistake twice.....

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 39

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 4:48:56 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

bdksbabe, there is some really decent advise given here. Don't beat up on yourself or siuffer a red face of embarrasement. As DarkSteven commented, you are not the first and you will jolly well be the last. What is past is past and what you learned from it is the silver lining to be used to rune your sub/slave radar and other sences.Just because someone says they are a Dom or Master does not mean that they are suitable for you are anyone else for that matter. If a Dominant type of man treats you iun a masterly but respectful way and you get all weak in the knees and all that fluffyness, it is possible that the man is indeed a Master or Dominant. How he treats, converses and relates to you will tell you quite a lot about him. It is a start, and if you ask about from others about him and what his reputation is is a very good move exspecially if you get the chance to watch him play. But for heavens sake even all the Gods and Goddesses and other Celestial Guardians of sub/slaves can not help you unledss you play canny and take you jolly time..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to bosch)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: deceit and Dominance

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094