RE: deceit and Dominance

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: deceit and Dominance

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: deceit and Dominance

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 7:26:51 AM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

A kind thank you to all who have a posted their thoughts, opinions, and advice. be assured that the words have been read and taken to heart.

(in reply to IronBear)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 7:57:57 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

my first relationship in the D/s world has sadly come to an abrupt end. being that i am new to the lifestyle this
experience has left me 1-with my heart in my hand 2- empty 3-deceived 4-feeling like a fool.

In the four months W/we were together he had managed to keep himself almost completely anonymous. but the more i think about it now...it just seems he had something to hide...or is my sometimes vanilla way of thinking hazing my perception.

in my studies and voracious reading about this lifestyle...i was under the impression it is the Dominants duty to care for, nurture, teach, prize, His or Her submissive. however i feel like he used his proclaimed Dominance as a way to manipulate me.

One of the keys to success—or simply keeping one's mind well—is finding the good in any situation. You've learned some rather valuable lessons from this experience, I'm assuming. Take what you've learned from this and apply it in your next encounter. I say this with no intent of minimizing your feelings, but consider those who have been strung along for much longer and at greater cost. All things considered, four months isn't a bad time frame to be feeling like a fool in.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 8:03:09 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

People lie, people of all walks of life in all situations lie. That is something that we tend to forget. The problem often when you are on the s side of the slash you get so concerned with doing the right thing that you throw common sense out of the window. We have all fallen for some crap given to us by someone at some point. Its not shocking that its your first D/s relationship either, but you can learn from it which is what lifes about really. (yup my first D/s relationship was with an emotionally stunted idiot so ive been in similar situations too..... mind you most of my relationships have been with emotionally stunted idiots so im pretty sure there is no hope for me.)

Good luck :)

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 11:11:16 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

If this guy's from Michigan, i think i dated him too...
Aside from that... i'll just throw in that i agree with the posts that say don't let one bad experience ruin the rest of your life. Suck it up, learn from it and move on. i wish you luck on your journey.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 7:04:46 PM

masterforRT

Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

What he did was wrong...BUT what you did was wrong too! Of course, perhaps you were justifiied in doing wrong, because you wouldn't have discovered his deceit without being deceitful yourself.

Do you see where this is going?

You didn't trust him, so you made yourself untrustworthy to catch him at his deceit.

This relationship didn't have a chance from the beginning, so let it go and find someone you CAN trust-then you won't find the need to play games with them.

Good luck!

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 12/22/2008 7:06:29 PM >

(in reply to Madame4a)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 7:30:09 PM

Celene

Posts: 158
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well you broke my rule of getting committed with someone within the first six months. In hindsight you can see how silly it is to commit yourself to someone so fully with so little actual time working together. But hey, you had the experience, people suck soemtimes, and you'll move on and hopefully make better choices and judgements next time.

Words to live by.... hindsight is often my best point of view. . . Moving on.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/22/2008 8:07:51 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Treat bdsm as you would vanilla - name, address, contact phone numbers at the minimum. Meet with his friends?, meet his family? Are you his dirty little secret? Do you deserve to be treated as such?

Unless this is the relationship you are looking for - as in a fuck buddy with bondage privileges - then find your bdsm mate the way you would a vanilla boyfriend. You need to both enjoy who you are when you are not tied up and riden hard. And that means spending time with him going out to eat, or going to parties with vanilla friends or even the movies.

Your man sounded like he came into town for a bit of slap- and- tickle, and then went back to his real life. As in not emotionally committed to the relationship.
Sorry you had to go through that - but what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger - even if we don't enjoy the experience.

(in reply to Celene)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/23/2008 2:52:11 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This is about to get interesting.

First, OP, I'm sorry that you had a bad experience. Like a few other folks have said, just because someone is involved in BDSM, it's not a guarantee that they are any better than the other people roaming around the planet who aren't. It doesn't make them more truthful, honorable, or have more integrity than anybody else. It just means they like kinky stuff and might have a different way of living their life. We're really just like the rest of society. We have our good people and our bad people. As with any other group, you can't judge people by what you think that group is like. You have to take people on a case by case basis.

OK. That part was heard already. This is the part where I said it was going to get interesting. I'm going to start with an obvious disclaimer. I'm female.

Not everybody is willing to shell out their home address right off of the bat. Granted, the person the OP was dealing with was male, rather than female, but I don't want anyone coming away from this thread thinking that's the way it's done. In fact, My home address is probably the last thing I'm going to provide to a casual play partner. It would be extremely foolish for Me to do so in My situation. The above where I said that not everyone is as they portray themselves to be doesn't apply only to one side of the kneel. It goes for submissives, too. Just because I'm the one swinging the flogger during play doesn't mean that disclosing where I live to the person who's choosing to be a target is the wisest thing on the planet.

I tend to go with a general rule about the home address. Until I know that there isn't an issue once a person has gotten to the trust level where private play goes well, they aren't knowing where I sleep at night.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/23/2008 6:21:58 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Sorry that yur first D/s experience went badly. You're not the first to get this, and you won't be the last.

There ARE a lot of good Doms in the lifestyle. You haven't found one yet.

(Quick aside - most of the true Doms live in Colorado. Just sayin'.)

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/23/2008 7:40:51 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

So true...It is what it is. My plan at the moment...live, learn, and move forward!

(in reply to persephonee)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/23/2008 7:51:25 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

hello All-

my first relationship in the D/s world has sadly come to an abrupt end. being that i am new to the lifestyle this
experience has left me 1-with my heart in my hand 2- empty 3-deceived 4-feeling like a fool. i am posting
this thread with the hope that some light maybe shed on the expectations of the Dominant.

if your expectations were failed you:

1) learned something
2) never mind.

Get up soldier.

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/23/2008 8:07:11 PM

mydomsabstrd

Posts: 1775
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty

If this guy's from Michigan, i think i dated him too...
Aside from that... i'll just throw in that i agree with the posts that say don't let one bad experience ruin the rest of your life. Suck it up, learn from it and move on. i wish you luck on your journey.

no he has to be in Va and i swear we just broke up

_____________________________

damn right
i used to care.....now i take a pill for that
i said shush girl, shush your lips, do the hellen keller and talk with your hips!!!!

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/10/2009 5:02:19 PM

fadeawayangel

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/20/2008
Status: offline

Not everyone you meet online , whether it be this site or a vanilla dating site, are who they claim to be.....

the following sites will help you identify players online....

http://www.ehbc.ca/resources/redflags.html

http://www.askdollie.com/acid_test.htm

(in reply to Madame4a)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/10/2009 6:05:28 PM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

also, in the four months W/we were together he had managed to keep himself almost completely anonymous.
i new his first name, email address, and the city in which he lived. i found this a bit unsettling but he explained to
me that i should be available to him, which seemed logical. but the more i think about it now...it just seems he had something to hide...or is my sometimes vanilla way of thinking hazing my perception.

I had also entered a online D/s relationship myself which recently has ended, i am also new to the lifestyle. I myself decided that if I want to try it again I will do it in real time, not online again. If you do decide to go the online route again or continue with the relationship with him and plan on meeting him then please go to this link http://leathernroses.com/cyber/irctorl.htm and read about going from online to real time. It explains how to do it safely. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Never take someone for granted
Hold every person close to your heart
because you might wake up one day
and realize you've lost a diamond
while you were to busy collecting stones....

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/10/2009 6:11:02 PM

T1981

Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

Fadeaway, those were great articles, thank you for posting those!

_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

(in reply to pnut8377)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/10/2009 8:43:07 PM

newleafintx

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline

OP just so you will know you are not the only one. I got out of a bad situation thanks to these folks that post on the message boards. But in spite of all their advice ( and I am still working on the advice ) I managed to get talked into a bad situation. A person contacted me, was honest that he was married, but still managed to talk me into letting him be my "mentor" . I insisted on meeting in a public place but in the end allowed him to pressure me into coming to my home for our first meeting. Oh yes, even knowing all the rules I still broke them. And even knowing all the rules allowed him to play at our first meeting. And it was great, better than anything I could have expected, I got to go to subspace, he respected my limits, there was no sex, just play. But the next day, I decided to visit his profile again, and found him talking about the one perfect sub he had just found. Embarrassingly enough I said something to him about it, found out it was not me and was told he had decided he could not divide his time to include me. I was crushed, still am kind of. Mostly I felt used and stupid. So I wrote these ten rules.
Lessons Learned
1. When man says trust me - don't
2. I am able to become emotionally attached to someone in less than two hours, I must not allow that to affect my judgment.
3. Never become involved with a married man
4. Never break lesson #3
5. When people say take your time, get to know a person, listen
6. When people say meet in a public place, get to know a person - listen
7. Never assume when you read something that it could mean you
8. Always assume the worst, that way you will not be disappointed
9. Never allow your self to be rushed into something
10. When a man says he will be back - he won't
To all of you M/D's reading this, please understand if you are a sub you feel it is your job to trust, do as you are told and not question your authority figure. It takes a while to figure out when to trust and when to not. The predators, users, and abusers know this, that is why new subs are so popular. Do not be so down on subs that this happens to. There is a reason it happens over and over again. Op I feel for you, I hurt with you . You are NOT alone.

(in reply to T1981)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/11/2009 2:04:16 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

1. When man says trust me - don't
2. I am able to become emotionally attached to someone in less than two hours, I must not allow that to affect my judgment.
3. Never become involved with a married man
4. Never break lesson #3
5. When people say take your time, get to know a person, listen
6. When people say meet in a public place, get to know a person - listen
7. Never assume when you read something that it could mean you
8. Always assume the worst, that way you will not be disappointed
9. Never allow your self to be rushed into something
10. When a man says he will be back - he won't

I am sorry to hear you got out of a bad situation. It sadly shows also in some of your points, but I guess that is understandable.

(in reply to newleafintx)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: deceit and Dominance - 1/14/2009 9:39:58 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

The guy was a jerk and jerks come in both genders as well as D, S, and vanilla. You'll also find jerks who forget to mention they have a husband or wife.

Most 3-somes are harder to maintain than 2-somes and take a lot more work and trust.

Chalk it up as a learning experience.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Profile

Post #: 58