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LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 9:03:29 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Not wanting to derail Cali's thread about what you consider an LDR. I wanted to solicit from those who have been through these or those that are in these, what some of the things are that one must consider before entering into or commiting to an LDR. ( sure this should be common sense but it doesn't seem to be, as if when you enter these hallowed halls, you are given  magic Samantha dust to wiggle your nose and teleport people).
 
So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?
 
2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)
 
3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?
 
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?
 
5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?
 
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?
 
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?
 
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.
 
 
 
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.
 
 
 

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 9:41:23 AM   
Vinmier


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		I am going through this at the very moment, so I'd like to respond with how this relates to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Not wanting to derail Cali's thread about what you consider an LDR. I wanted to solicit from those who have been through these or those that are in these, what some of the things are that one must consider before entering into or commiting to an LDR. ( sure this should be common sense but it doesn't seem to be, as if when you enter these hallowed halls, you are given  magic Samantha dust to wiggle your nose and teleport people).
 
So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?


Yes, my Lady and I have been planning on meeting, and under the circumstances, I am in the process of moving to her. She lives about 2300 miles from me, and I have a U-Haul packed and am waiting for my cel phone to arrive in the mail. Once it gets here, I will be leaving that day or the following morning.
quote:



2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)


She and I have talked extensively about what it will entail. We are not going to jump in feet first, but will take it slow and see how it grows as I give over more control. It won't be me stepping in and into a complete control situation, but I will have some chores and responsibilities.
quote:


 
3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?


I've done no background check, but she's been verified through friends that I trust implicitly. She is in the same country, so no passport or anything is needed. All the gas and travel expenses will be covered with money I have.
quote:


 
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?


See above.
quote:



5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?


Cel phones, I will be bringing a computer with me as well. Digital camera, and some things that I am making a nice surprise for her while I travel. I'd go into details, but she will read this and I don't want to spoil the surprise.
quote:


 
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?


We've never met in real life.
quote:


 
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?


In the process of moving, I am covering the expenses of the move. When I get there, I will seek employment so I can afford my share of the bills, food costs, and materials so I can build "furniture" as fun projects that we can enjoy.
quote:


 
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.


A thought provoker is how often did the participants communicate over the internet, and were the conversations leaning towards "What do you expect from me, here's what I am willing to do.", or were they closer to online scenes or cybering?

She and I have spent 12 hours a day for the past 2 months talking as friends do, mixed with what our aspirations, hopes, and expectations are. We have been very thorough and honest as to what this means to us. She's given me things to do daily, which I've adhered to, and that she tests me on from time to time. But she knows as well as I do, that testing is not needed as I take her requests seriously. I know that if she asks something of me, then it matters to her. It's not just something that she's wanting to see me do on a whim.
 
I know there are many naysayers, when it comes to talking about online relationships. Though I can attest to the fact that if you meet the right person, it can be a wonderful thing.
quote:


 
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.


I don't expect life will be easier, but it won't be more difficult either. There are circumstances which are pushing me out the door of my current residence, and it prompted her to request my move earlier than we anticipated. Right now, life isn't easy by any means. I believe there's a line between easier and better. So in my eyes, life will be much better in the fact she and I will have someone to fill those gaps in each of our lives. I will continue to work, and to enjoy the things I love. I will also have someone to share it with, and to devote time and energy to. What could be better than that?

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 9:45:08 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		A stunning stunning reply! My best hopes for you both, I hope we see more stories both good and bad, though being the emotionally gushy person that I am, this one is such a nice one to start with!
 
 

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Vinmier)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 10:12:49 AM   
Vinmier


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you very much for the encouragement.  She and I agree that it's all about honesty, without it, there can be little or no trust. So, we're going to step into the pool slowly, and see how things go. My hope, and she knows this, is that it will turn into a very long term relationship. With the fail safes we have in place regarding communication, there shouldn't be anything that goes unspoken, especially if it's pertinent.

I could write a novel on the subject, but once I get moved, I'll probably begin a post, and keep it updated, in the 'Positive Experiences' forum. Thank you again for the well wishes.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 10:18:35 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vinmier

I am going through this at the very moment, so I'd like to respond with how this relates to me.


Yes, my Lady and I have been planning on meeting, and under the circumstances, I am in the process of moving to her. She lives about 2300 miles from me, and I have a U-Haul packed and am waiting for my cel phone to arrive in the mail. Once it gets here, I will be leaving that day or the following morning.


We've never met in real life. 
 



Uhmmm... did I get this wrong or have you never met this person, but within a matter of days you're moving 2300 miles to be with them?

Ok.. I'll add to the list... don't give up your whole life and move 2300 miles to someone you've never met.  Sorry, I think this is a big consideration.  And, personally, I'd be really wary of someone who wanted to do that -- if we'd never met.


< Message edited by Madame4a -- 12/23/2008 10:19:08 AM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Vinmier)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 10:37:47 AM   
Vinmier


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		It's completely understandable. And this has been pushed under necessity.There are some things that are going on at my current residence which are unhealthy to say the least, and I do not have the ability to change them. I don't wish to go into details, suffice to say that if I stay here longer, it will cause me a great deal of undue grief. This is why I am moving this soon. Were we able to take our time, there would have been prearranged weekend and week long meetings to test the water with, it's simply not feasible now.

She and I have put a lot of thought into this, and through mutual friends that I've known for quite some time, she's not going to do anything that would harm me. She knows the same of me. Picking up and moving my whole life is not that much of a strain. Another thing that I hadn't mentioned, I have real life friends that I've known for 13 years about 30 minutes from where I am moving, I have family that lives about an hour away, and the rest of my family is scattered from two hours, to 6 hours away.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 10:57:49 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Oh good - because if you don't like her smell, or she doesn't like yours, then you have somewhere to go while you consider your next move.  I have to admit i read that you hadn't actually met your Domme and were moving to her and all i could do was cringe!!!!!   Glad to see that you have considered (maybe) a "what if" scenerio.

(in reply to Vinmier)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 11:29:23 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici


1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?

 
I don't bother carrying on meaningful conversations with men I have no intention of meeting.  I have quite enough chat friends for that.  However, that being said, I did try a long distance relationship.  I was contacted by someone out of state who seemed to be exactly the kind of man I was looking for.  Since I wasn't having much luck locally, I thought it might be time to broaden my search and give him a chance.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
 
2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)

 
My profile does not state that I'm willing to relocate.  I informed the man who contacted me that I wasn't interested in a long distance relationship for several reasons, including barriers to relocating.  He assured me that the barriers were of no consequence to him because he had the means to take care of everything.  There was still the issue of my um.....

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
3.  Will you do a background check? How?

 
I didn't do a background check.  I kinda wish I knew how.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?

 
I was honest with the man and told him I couldn't afford to drive down to see him.  I also told him that I have my um every other weekend and work during the week.  He offered to pay for the gas on the weekends I could manage to spend time with him.  In fact, he gave me one of his credit cards to use specifically for gas.  There was also the issue of vehicle maintenance, i.e. oil changes.  He offered to take care of it while I was down there.  Since he lived fairly close to the beach, it sounded like we'd have more fun down there than up here, although he did offer to come up and meet my friends.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?

 
I have a cell phone, but my free minutes don't start until 9 p.m.  He didn't like having to stay up, so he offered to give me his cell phone which had a different plan and could be used anytime.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?

 
Umm...yeah....as a matter of fact, the credit card was only able to be used twice before it was declined.  He started "shorting" me for gas money after that.  The first time the card didn't work, I went ahead and filled it up with my own money, thinking he would reimburse me.  He filled my car up so I could get home, but he didn't pay me back for the money I spent to get down there.  He did that to me the next time...and once more.  I reminded him, again, that I could not afford to do that.  He never took care of the more frequent oil changes.  I never saw the new phone.  I told him that I wouldn't be back down there if he couldn't hold up his end of the deal.  The one time he was supposed to come up to meet my friends he canceled.  We only went to the beach twice all summer and never did any of the "more fun stuff" that supposedly existed where he lived versus where I live.  Lastly, my um became a major issue as he thought I should just move down there and not worry about visitation....as if my ex would just give up his rights or that I would.....or that my um could do without seeing his father and mother on a regular basis.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?

 
Nope.  I don't expect anyone to pay because I'm not gonna do it.  I was right all along....I'm NOT willing to relocate.  Therefore, I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 11:30:41 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Its certainly your decision and life.. and there is no need to justify it to me.. that's for sure... I merely stated my opinion.  For ME, it wouldn't be a smart thing.  I also wouldn't want someone to move to me under those circumstances.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Vinmier

It's completely understandable. And this has been pushed under necessity.There are some things that are going on at my current residence which are unhealthy to say the least, and I do not have the ability to change them. I don't wish to go into details, suffice to say that if I stay here longer, it will cause me a great deal of undue grief. This is why I am moving this soon. Were we able to take our time, there would have been prearranged weekend and week long meetings to test the water with, it's simply not feasible now.

She and I have put a lot of thought into this, and through mutual friends that I've known for quite some time, she's not going to do anything that would harm me. She knows the same of me. Picking up and moving my whole life is not that much of a strain. Another thing that I hadn't mentioned, I have real life friends that I've known for 13 years about 30 minutes from where I am moving, I have family that lives about an hour away, and the rest of my family is scattered from two hours, to 6 hours away.



_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Vinmier)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 11:36:02 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4aOk..
...I'll add to the list... don't give up your whole life and move 2300 miles to someone you've never met. ...

Normally, I'd agree.
But it depends somewhat on what your expectations are (that is, if you are willing to retain just a shred of realism to temper the high hopes) and what your circumstances are.

And if you've been able to trust your hunches thus far in life and you're feeling really freaking lucky now.

If you've weighed your options and the possible outcomes of this decision and decided it's worth a shot.

My only advice now would be to have a contingency plan (like a little cash reserved for another truck, downpayment on rent, etc.) in case it doesn't work out and you have to relocate again.

Personally, I wouldn't do this now, but that's only because I have a house, job, etc.
When I was younger I might have considered it.
(But when I was younger I wasn't on the internet, so the possibility of a LDR of this kind was effectively practically nil.)

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 11:46:06 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?


Actually we met at a lifestyle event before starting the LDR.  We just happened to live 600 miles apart at the time.

quote:

2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)


We became friends before the idea of being together was even discussed.  He eventually came to visit me for 3 weeks. During that time we realized we might want more than to be long distance. 

quote:

4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?


Several months after meeting he traveled to where I live.  He then met my family and he took me to meet the family he had who lived in my state.  This was 3 months after first meeting. 

quote:

5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?


Thank goodness cell phone calls are free on evenings and weekends.  This makes keeping in contact very affordable.

quote:

6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?


This is something we never had to consider.

quote:

7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?


I moved to be with him.  At the time he was snowbirding in Arizona so it was the cost of a plane ticket.  In the spring we went to my place and got rid of everything we didn't want from my place.  We didn't take much with us as we live full time in a motor home and have limited space for storage.  My son just happened to need a place to live so he took over my place.  It's his now.  I have never expected anyone to pay my way in the world.  If I can't afford something i don't get it.  If I couldn't have afforded to move, i would not have done so. 

I do realize our relationship is not the typical LDR one in that we actually met before the relationship began.  However, we faced the same problems that others in a LDR face. 

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 3:34:04 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		1) We met in person for play before we ever considered a relationship.

2)I wasn't in favor of a LDR, he managed to talk me into it.

3)I had traveled to his city on vacation, in the USA where I alao live. Travel was  
  not an obstacle for either of us.

4)We each paid for our own travel expenses.

5)We luckily have the same cell phone provider, so calling each other was free.

6)I had to miss a trip once when the kennel situation for my dog fell through.

7)I had the means to move, and paid my own expenses, and continue to do so.
  Luckily, I was able to transfer within my company so I didn't have to search for  
  a  job upon arrival.

I also want to add that I didn't move until I knew him well, after more than 2 years in a LDR.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 3:40:55 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Their past relationships.
Their network.
Family commitments.
Compatable future ideas and aspirations.
Consistancy.
Work ethic and considerations.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 5:47:18 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		We did intend to meet, yes, We met every week. He traveled and he payed traveling costs , since he had the car and the job and more money than I did and it was what was negotiated before even beginning the LDR.

We've already become permanent, have been since February.

I would never consider someone who was out of the country, so passports and have you ever traveled internationally would never come up or be an issue.

He had a cell phone  with unlimited calling so all calls were free. And yes I could afford the long distance bills, we just figured since he had a cell and it was free why bother racking up phone bills for me to pay.

His means to move have already been addressed in the question do you hope to be permanent. And nobody had to pay for the move since he packed all his belongings in the car and moved them to my house over the period of time it took to move. Ok well technically I bought a few 35 gallon packers for some of the stuff, but they would be used to keep his stuff in storage when he got here and we worked out what could come in. So technically I payed.




quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Not wanting to derail Cali's thread about what you consider an LDR. I wanted to solicit from those who have been through these or those that are in these, what some of the things are that one must consider before entering into or commiting to an LDR. ( sure this should be common sense but it doesn't seem to be, as if when you enter these hallowed halls, you are given  magic Samantha dust to wiggle your nose and teleport people).
 
So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?
 
2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)
 
3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?
 
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?
 
5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?
 
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?
 
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?
 
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.
 
 
 
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.
 
 
 

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 5:49:07 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I wasn't either, and Daddy talked me into it too. He also promised he'd do anything that needed to be done to make the relationship work including dropping everything and driving 2 hours after work to get to me so we could have our time together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch



2)I wasn't in favor of a LDR, he managed to talk me into it.



(in reply to whiteslavebitch)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 6:21:59 PM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?
We knew each other for two months before our first meeting, it actually was our two month anniversary the first day together. We had an almost two month gap before the next meeting, now we never go more than a month.
 
2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)
We are already committed to being together permanently, and making the plans for the move. We both were willing to relocate, and initially, I was the one who was going to relocate, but that has changed, and she will be relocating. There are a lot of factors when there are others besides the two in the relationship, and the plans changed partially with them in mind.
 
3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?
 
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?
I visited her first. She has visited here the next three times. I am going to visit her after that. I pay simply because I love her, and from a practical standpoint, she has 5 people to care for, and she was the one who had to rearrange her schedule at work, and go to work on the day she flew back, and have the UM's taken care of.  We purchase our tickets well in advance, and with parking fees and the cost of the flight, it's not even 200 dollars.  That's actually more economical then if we lived within a half days drive, and we live half a country apart.  
 
5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?
My home phone is unlimited calls anywhere in the US, and her cell phone has unlimited hours. So we don't incur any extra costs in that manner. Our internet plans come as part of a package deal, so no extra costs.
 
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?
We have never had to cancel our plans. 
 
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?
We have worked that out as far as the economics of the move.
 
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers. 
 
 
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.
 
 
 


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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 6:48:55 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Not wanting to derail Cali's thread about what you consider an LDR. I wanted to solicit from those who have been through these or those that are in these, what some of the things are that one must consider before entering into or commiting to an LDR. ( sure this should be common sense but it doesn't seem to be, as if when you enter these hallowed halls, you are given  magic Samantha dust to wiggle your nose and teleport people).
 
So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
quote:

1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?
 

She asked me early on in our conversations if i was looking for real life or just online.  At the time i really didn't know what i was looking for and was completely honest with Her.  She wasn't happy with that answer but as i explained to Her, i had a family and would do nothing to jeapordize them nor my marriage.  She had to get to know my husband, and his comfort level would dictate where the relationship went. 

quote:

2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)
 

I had wanted to leave Florida for a very long time, i truly hate that state lol.  I had lived there since birth and the biggest move i had done was from one end of the county to the other lol.  I had no idea how i would adapt to a new state, so yea, it was a huge change for me. 

It was after i had made many trips to Michigan, both with and without my immediate family before my husband and i discussed possibly moving there.  He loved the area as much as i did and when he was offered a job with better pay, better benefits... he accepted it on my birthday.  I was totally speachless when he handed me his employment contract and said...go find us a house. 

quote:

3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
     
 
Over the two years we spent in a LDR, we racked up tens of thousands of miles both driving and flying.  Every other month one of us traveled to the others house.  She brought Her family down for a two week vacation, spent at my house, so everyone had a chance to get to know each other.  Now, between us we have a total of 8 (now all adult) children.  So it was a huge family time spent getting to know each other because we understood this didn't just effect us... it was their lives as well.  And no, they don't know about the M/s portion of our relationship.   
 
quote:

4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?

 
I traveled to visit Her first. I had safe calls in place, people meeting both of us, Her vehicle description and tag number (from a photograph She had given me) as well as Her home telephone number, cell phone number, drivers license number (verified), as well as Her parents telephone numbers (i had called Her there one holiday).  She purchased my plane ticket, paid for hotels and meals. 

quote:

5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?


She had unlimited long distance on Her home phone, i had a cell phone with unlimited minutes.  We spent a lot of time online using messenger services, occasionally webcam just to *see* each as well as actually hand writing letters and notes. 

quote:

6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?

 
nope, wasn't a problem for us because we weren't trying to lead double lives.  Our spouses both knew of the relationship and were accepting of it.

quote:

7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?


Since my move involved new employment for my husband, his new employer paid our relocation expenses.  However, trying to find a moving company after 3 hurricanes with another coming... it wasn't quite that easy.  She actually placed the final relocation bid with hubbys new employer and flew down with Her son, helped us finish packing and loading a U-Haul and drove it up.  lol.  Wasn't exactly what i had in mind when i was told they were paying to relocate us, i was expecting a moving company but we survived and everything made it to Michigan in one piece.


For those considering relocating without ever meeting the person they are moving to.....
 
please please please have a back up plan, some place to go or a way to get back "home" if things don't work out.  Perhaps money to rent an apartment for at least the first 3 months.  Relocating isn't as simple as putting stuff in boxes and driving somewhere.  You are entering a brand new life and it comes with a lot of stress and unknowns.  I spent months trying to figure out how to get home from any given location lol. 
 
Even though i knew Mistress, had spent the time to really get to know Her and Her family; the time we had spent together was primarily "free" time; time set aside and real life put on the back burner to allow us privacy and the freedom to just be together.  Reality sinks in and things do change.  I'd say it took us at least two years to get settled and understand each other on a "day to day" basis.  Expect things to be far from what you expected and be open enough to discuss it.  Any relationship has struggles and disagreements, accept that a M/s D/s relationship is no different. 
 
And Vinmier, this wasn't directed at you but i would hope you take something from it as well.  I wish you both the best :)
 
pj

 

 edited to add a few details and increase font.. hate nose prints on the monitor!
 

< Message edited by softpjOS -- 12/23/2008 6:54:27 PM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 7:20:51 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici


So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?


We've already spent several weekends together.
quote:


2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)


We haven't really talked about it.  Neither of us was looking for a relationship when this one just kind of naturally occurred.  We're just going with it and seeing what happens.  So far so good.  It's been on his mind (prior to meeting me) to move to California so that may happen on its own, which would be cool.  If things progress well and he ever wants me to relocate to him, I'd consider it, but we're not even close to being there right now.

quote:


3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?

He's in Hawaii.  No passport necessary.  The times we've met, he's flown here.  Once he flew me to Los Angeles (his dime) to meet up.  The second time he flew to San Francisco and I drove there.  The last time he came here to Sacramento.  We're talking about having me go to his home, but haven't scheduled it.  Either I'd pay, he'd pay, or we'd share the cost.  Doesn't really matter to me.  As for background checks...I did as much as I could for free on the Internet, given his full name and what he told me of himself. 

quote:


4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?

Yes I can and will travel.  He comes to California pretty regularly and we'll see each other when he does.  So far he has paid but I'm willing to also contribute to my expenses.  Up to now, though, he hasn't let me pay for anything.

quote:


5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?

We talk on the phone, text, IM and Skype - one, some or all - every day.  I have a gazillion minute cell plan and free long distance.  Skype is free.

quote:


6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?

One visit was cancelled because I had an accident and quasi-serious injury and then his mom died in the same week.  We saw each other a couple of weeks later, though.  Other than that, no cancelled visits.

quote:


7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?

Where there's a will there's a way.  But the future is unforeseen.  We're just happy with what's going on between us right now.  It's relatively new - just a few months.

quote:


I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.


The challenge with LDRs is the lack of time in person and trying to connect by other means.  Sometimes IMs or Texts don't go through, sometimes Skype doesn't work too well, etc.  Patience and trust go a long way.  What helps this man and I is that both of our lives are quite full.  No one is waiting around to talk to the other...but we've found times when our schedules do coincide and we've enjoyed taking advantage of that.  Both of us have a lot going on, which means neither is really pining over the other because of the distance.  Instead, we come together when we can and happily share what's going on in our lives.  I'd suggest keeping in mind that you're often times living separate lives and having faith in your bond so as not to question the relationship.  He has his group of friends over there, and I have my group of friends over here. But while we're off doing separate things, we still enjoy each other's presence in our lives.  Have faith and know that conflicting schedules and time lines does not necessarily mean the other person has lost interest.

Aside from that, I'll echo what the.dark. added.  :)



 


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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 8:18:55 PM   
quietshysubnc


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/24/2008
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Not wanting to derail Cali's thread about what you consider an LDR. I wanted to solicit from those who have been through these or those that are in these, what some of the things are that one must consider before entering into or commiting to an LDR. ( sure this should be common sense but it doesn't seem to be, as if when you enter these hallowed halls, you are given  magic Samantha dust to wiggle your nose and teleport people).
 
So here are My key things to consider FIRST:
 
quote:

1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?


i did reply to the first post on LDR's in Cali's thread. As i said, W/we had been talking for well over a year and yes W/we just met.
 
quote:

2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)


W/we both hope that it becomes a more permanent situation. His kids are almost grown and He has always wanted to live here. Although i am willing to move there since i only have one child and keep Him close to His. Either way, yes O/one of us will move, and W/we are both prepared to accept the new challenges that will arise from leaving the world that W/we have known our whole lives.

quote:


3.  Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
      Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
      Who do you expect to pay for travel?
       Will you do a background check? How?


i am beginning to get prepared for the travel issues... i know that customs can be nice people or they can be very picky, i assume that is based on the day they have had.

i have investigated the passport and will begin work on it in January. He already has His as He is an avid traveler. Do you consider Canada to be international, when i live in the states? As for the cost, the passport is not expensive, at least in my eyes it's not, as it is what i need to be by His side. Tickets, of course, vary depending on your time of travel (day left and return) and if it is near a holiday. 

He bought His plane ticket, but W/we split the cost of the hotel bills. He bought most of the meals and offered to pay for everything. i felt it should be a shared expense. When i travel there, W/we will split the cost of the hotels again, as W/we plan to travel a lot.

He did bring with Him the background check that is completed on Him every year. His ex fosters children so the whole family is subject to the background check. i also asked Him to have a physical checking for STD's and He brought that with Him also. Of course i did the same, even though He did not ask me to.

quote:


4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?


This one really doesn't pertain to me, but with my work, my boss is very flexible and as long as i have the vacation time, she doesn't care.
 
quote:

5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc.  Can you afford the phone bills, can they?


i have vonage for phone service and with them i can have a local Birmingham number for $5.00 a month that He can phone as a local call. until i found out about this feature my phone bills could reach $300 easily, which He always offered to help pay. i am unsure of what His bills were.
 
quote:

6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?


Being honest, the first time He was suppose to come, He did not, even though the plane ticket had been bought. Although i was hurt (crushed) by this, after discussing the situation at length, i completely understood why He did not come.
 
quote:

7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?


i, again, would expect it to be a joint effort if W/we decided to be together 24/7. Although i am unsure of what it takes to move internationally, i am sure that W/we would help each other with the process.

i have spoken with my daughter about this on more than one occasion, and even though she has only known life here, she is and would be willing to move to the UK. As for my mom and step-dad, they would be OK with us moving either way, Him here or us there.
 
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.
 
 
 
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.
 
 
 




(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 12/23/2008 10:41:42 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		apologies, misread the OP

< Message edited by stella41b -- 12/23/2008 10:45:15 PM >

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 20
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