stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
1. Do you even intend to meet EVER? Or are you fishing?
The intention was always to meet right from the get go. We met a couple of times in Warsaw and where she lives, in the far north eastern corner of Poland. At that time I was living down on the southern border with Slovakia. However we kept drifting and suffice to say life circumstances kept us apart. In the interim period we both had separate LDRs, she with a guy in Germany, and I had an LDR with a domme in Mississippi in the States. Almost all of my relationships have been LDRs.
The thing is, you don't really know whether you're interested in a relationship or not until you get to know the person. With Ala, with whom I'm with now, we had originally intended to live together in Warsaw after my coming out on the eve of my production of my play 'Death' back in 2005. I had already started the gender reassignment process. However things didn't go to plan. My life fell apart completely and I was forced to return to the UK. The intention then changed to temporarily live in London, and then return to Poland.
Similarly too with the domme in the States (Halley on CM), I originally turned her down, but just after a month of corresponding with her I started to explore and consider the possibility of moving to the States.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
2. Is your hope that this becomes a permanent situation or remain an LDR? If so be honest up front( so many people say "willing to relocate" and are clueless as to the ramifications and challenges of a total life change)
Right now my only hope is that Ala finds who she is really looking for in me, and I find who I'm really looking for in her. But what you've got to take into account is that society in the east of Poland is completely different to our own society, Ala is from a tiny village, she has six UMs the youngest of which are in their mid to late teens and living at home, the only language we share is Polish, and her society is basically a time warp from the 1950's - think of Orthodox churches, wooden houses, forests in which bears, wolves and bison roam, the biggest influence from modern society is the 60% unemployment in her area.
She's coming to London, in a country she has never even seen before, where she doesn't know the language, this is her first relationship with a transgendered female partner, and due to the fact that she's till got teenage daughters at home this relationship remains an international LDR until they leave home. I don't care what anyone says, even her making the attempt takes courage and an open mind on her part. The intention is that we will be together permanently, but this remains an intention. We shall see.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
3. Know what you are getting into, eyes open WIDE: If you are chatting with someone half way around the world are you prepared for the travel issues?
No issues here, I spent 13 years living in Poland, I know the language, the society, the people, the culture, the history, and in my own occupation in theatre it was where I had my biggest success. Travel is a bus ticket and a 26 hour journey from Bialystok to London, a little over 1,000 miles.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
Do you have a passport, do they, have you or they travelled international before, have you priced the cost of a passport, ticket etc?
I have a passport, she doesn't as yet but she doesn't need one as Poland is in the European Union and she can use her 'dowod osobisty' (personal ID card). She has travelled to Frankfurt am Main, but previous travel experience isn't that important. We plan to apply for her passport from the Polish Consulate here in London. She needs a passport as we intend to relocate at some point across the Atlantic to Canada or perhaps the States - it depends.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
Who do you expect to pay for travel?
We pay a travel agent of course.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
Will you do a background check? How?
What good is a background check? If you feel the need to do a background check, then you're probably not with the right person for an LDR. You have to trust your gut and your instincts. An LDR is for higher than normal stakes, an international LDR is for the highest possible stakes - you're risking everything in your life.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
4. If the person you are chatting with is in the same country, can you travel? How often, when? ( can't travel holidays due to family, work, etc)--Do you expect them to travel? Who pays?
Travelling to meet on 'dates' is impractical. Ala is relocating to me, gradually, over the coming year or two. Who pays? We pay of course. Who pays isn't that important, only that whatever is required is paid. I will be travelling too. The way we see it we have two homes, one here in London, the other in the north east corner of Poland.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
5. What means are available for you to move from the cyber world to phone chats, cam etc. Can you afford the phone bills, can they?
We don't do the cyber thing as Ala isn't online and can only get online infrequently. We have been writing letters and exchanging text messages, phone calls. I have a plan with free international calls, broadband Internet, Skype, IM's, which was set up when I was with Halley. With Halley it was daily contact, with Ala it has become daily contact.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
6. Does something always seem to happen when its the weekend/week to get together?
Yes. With Halley it was me being stopped and turned back in Atlanta and being removed from the Visa Waiver Program unfairly which effectively proved to be one of the nails in the coffin of our relationship. We didn't have the resources or will to fight the US Consulate and Department of Homeland Security. However I have recently got myself into a better situation and have enough contacts and better circumstances to overturn this earlier decision.
With Ala my becoming homeless proved disastrous, as with my return to the UK, she couldn't relocate due to family issues, I couldn't relocate to her through being transgendered - people in her village would have lynched us, we also lost touch when she went to Germany, regained contact, then she discovered I was with Halley, then at the start of the year I discovered she was with a German guy and it's only fairly recently about two months that we have decided to make a proper go of it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
7. Do you have the means to move if it comes to that? Who do you expect to pay?
Having the means doesn't mean a thing if you haven't got the opportunity or you're with the wrong person. Being with the right person or feeling you're with the right person is almost everything. The financial aspect is important but not that important, because when push comes to shove two people can live almost as cheaply as one person and two incomes can only improve the situation.
But you know having the means doesn't always really depend on both of you, if it's international then the authorities have a far bigger say in the success of the relationship, especially in any relationship crossing the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans. I had different issues to face with Halley than I have with Ala. First off with Halley I was the one who was relocating, and it wasn't just finding opportunities to continue my occupation (and unlike most people I do have the additional option of an artistic visa) but it was also learning the fundamental basics of living in the States, in MS, the society, the culture, the people, even the language. Thing is, if you're over the age of 26 other than an artistic visa or through employment the only reaslistic way of emigrating to the US is through marriage, which was further complicated by the fact that I'm transgendered and ultimately most states don't have provisions for same sex marriages.
The same is true if someone American intends to be with someone from the UK, it's extremely difficult other than through marriage and even then you're not guaranteed the right to remain as a resident. The US authorities automatically assume you're an illegal alien unless you can prove otherwise (see sections 214 and 217 of the Immigration and Nationality Act) and the same is true of the UK. This process can be long, stressful and expensive and unless you are with someone who you can trust your whole life to, and I mean really trust your whole life to, the risks just aren't worth it.
With Ala it's a different situation. The culture and society in the UK has some similarities with Polish culture and society, but there are stark differences, especially in the mindset of the people, rather like with Americans. The biggest challenge for Ala is learning English, and it is her degree of knowledge of English which will determine just how easy it is for her in the UK. However she does have an advantage in that I am from the UK, I am bilingual English-Polish, I'm best placed to be able to help her.
This will also impact our social life, especially in the initial stages. She will meet people with whom I'm speaking English, a language she has yet to understand, conversations are going to be tedious for her, she won't get the jokes, understand why I'm getting upset, or understand why such words are affecting me. Simlarly English-speaking people who know us won't be able to see what it is we share or understand what we're talking about.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
I know there are other things to consider, so I hope we will get some more thought provokers.
Now, many of My colleagues here will be all up in arms and say this is not unique o BDSM and its negative--- one could start out saying one thing and the relationship could make things change to happliy ever after--yes it could, however, those moments I believe to be in the minority--and for every successful story here, there are 100 disasters. No it isn not unique to BDSM, but it does seem people expect that when they enter these hallowed halls, life becomes magically easier.
I don't quite get the logic here given that most attempts at a relationship end in disaster, few attempts really turn into a meaningful relationship and only one ever turns into a permanent relationship - and that's irrespective of whether it's a long distance relationship, someone you meet in a bar or at work, irrespective of whether it's online or offline, to me it doesn't make a difference.
The biggest single factor determining whether a relationship succeeds or fails is the two people involved in that relationship and what they share with each other, not how they conduct a relationship.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 12/24/2008 12:24:46 AM >
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RE: LDR's: Things to Consider - 
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