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When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 3:09:18 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Anyone else ever have any problems when you run into one of these people that after a single session or a few conversations seem to think that they are unavoidably bound to your ankles? It's cute at first but when they won't let you be and start infringing on your personal space when does it go from minor iritation to time to get the restraining order.

As I'm currently in process of taking on a new submissive to start training with and this one doesn't seem to want to accept that it's not going to be her. She's already showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the night, just don't want to see what's going to happen when she sees me with the new trainee.

I've had some minor issues from time to time with people who had actually lived under me for a while having seperation issues, but after time they realize that I never leave their lives and am always there for them. But these one day wonder types that think that you are their soul mate after a night sort of freak me out. Any tips or red flags I should look out for?
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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 3:22:35 PM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		The few that come to mind immediately:

1. Inexperienced: It is common for a woman to fall hard for the first man who dominates her.

2. Eager: A woman who wants to rip her clothes off and kneel at your feet about 5 minutes past "hello" is showing you clearly that she is extremely needy. "Easy come, easy go" may be true in some contexts. Not this one.

3. Out of control: Doesn't have her own thing going, if you will. Between jobs, between boyfriends, doesn't have any particular direction right now. Guess what she might decide her direction should be after a torrid night of <fill in the blank>.

In short, the best way to stay out of the situation that you are describing in this life is to avoid the temptation of easy, low hanging fruit. Stick with the women who have at least gotten their feet wet, know a little bit more about what they want, aren't begging you to train or own them before they know you really well, and who have their own shit together.

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

< Message edited by Leonidas -- 8/9/2004 5:18:47 PM >

(in reply to afmvdp)
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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 3:32:13 PM   
dixiedumpling


Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline 		I've only had experience with a "dom" who refuses to accept that we will never be friends. Ignoring him has done little to dampen his desire to maintain contact.

The main advice you will get is to know them well. However, we all know people who have dated for years, married and within a month thought, "Whoa, this was a mistake!" My theory is that you never really know someone unless they allow you to. And people with a hidden agenda aren't going to allow that to happen. They are biding their time, being who you want and all the time they are plotting how to be indispensible.

Just face it, some people are over the top. I don't see how you can ever expect to not make a misjudgement about someone sometime.

_____________________________

Toodles,
dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr

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When people become stalkers - 8/9/2004 3:40:58 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Anyone else ever have any problems when you run into one of these people that after a single session or a few conversations seem to think that they are unavoidably bound to your ankles? It's cute at first but when they won't let you be and start infringing on your personal space when does it go from minor iritation to time to get the restraining order.


My favorite was one who after coffee and a date or two started chastizing me on yahoo messenger if I showed up as available (which happens when I turn off my screen saver) and did not immediately say hello to her.

Im thinking "get help."

I agree with the poster who gave a list of reasons why this might be the case, but I refuse to sign on to the job of "case worker" in a relationship.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 5:47:36 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, I know. This is a punishment from fate for not listening to myself and following my own rules of conduct. I'll blame it on the Cyanide shots and a pretty face though for good measure.

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 6:37:29 PM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		There is a saying among us sailors, my friend: There are those sailors who are aground, those who have run aground before, those who will run aground, and those who are liars. The fact that you have a personal code of conduct, and you at least know when you fucked up and violated it puts you miles ahead of most.

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 6:51:45 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

There is a saying among us sailors, my friend: There are those sailors who are aground, those who have run aground before, those who will run aground, and those who are liars. The fact that you have a personal code of conduct, and you at least know when you fucked up and violated it puts you miles ahead of most.


I agree with this in spades.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 8:36:52 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		aside from what every body else here is saying Afmvdp
here is the only red flag I see that needs to be addressed:
quote:

When subs become stalkers
If You your self feel this is now a issue of stalking its time for the restraining order period.

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 8:54:41 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Well finding out my address and being on my doorstop at 3 in the morning was rather unexpected...but things should be under control now. Quite impressed by her determination but already have someone else specific in mind and I'm not the type who can properly focus on multiples at once. Never worked as a poly.

Just laid things on the line very directly that her actions had caused me to be even less interested in her than I already was, that I didn't need another responsiblity and thing to worry about every day, I'm looking for someone to make my life better and easier and more fulfilled. Just try to keep from shattering whatever unstable mentality there is contained long enough for her to become someone elses problem rather than mine.

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 10:11:38 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		The very act of You doing what You stated would in My opinion give conflicting actions and I might even read into those actions as being
accepting because You are showing an interest even if it is to let the person down easy so to speak. I still say if you feel that it is stalking as Your words first stated its time to bring in a order. This is not the time to be Macho or think possibly that You can handle it alone. Follow Your first instints I say and remember to be safe be sane and be concensual. Im not hearing You being concensual in the others actions nor safe iin thinking in one breath a stalker and the next breath Hey I can handle this. Ive seen such situations quickly get out of control and a bad end result.JMO

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/9/2004 11:21:32 PM   
WayHome


Posts: 237
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		I like Leonidas's guidelines.

We do need to remember that this kind of play can be very profound, especially for the uninitiated. When you take control of someone else for even a few minutes of hours, it can trigger a lot of emotions in the person that she (or he) may not fully grasp or be ready to deal with. It can trigger a strong attachment and, to the who that feels it, this can seem like love.

What to do? You can't give in to being this person's "everything" or continue a relationship that is not right, but at the same time, we do owe something. When I was new and discussing aftercare with others, a Domme told me "Aftercare can take weeks." I wouldn't rush to the phone to call the police or be overly harsh, but strength and consistency become very important. True that any response to the needy behavior can reinforce the behavior or be percieved as a chance at something more. That is a risk. But then many times that risk might need to be faced in order to see that damage in not done.

Good luck.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/10/2004 12:23:00 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		We don't owe a crazy person anything. If they are going to fall in love with you after a session, that is their problem. If they can't understand when you tell them " I am not interested ", that is their problem. We are not children, we are adults. If some choose to act childish and irrational, that is not my problem.
Aftercare for a week? Maybe if they are hit with a table.

(in reply to WayHome)
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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/10/2004 12:27:15 AM   
WayHome


Posts: 237
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring
Aftercare for a week? Maybe if they are hit with a table.


Each to his own. BTW, I've just gotta say that you crack me up constantly on these boards with one-liners.

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 8:23:17 AM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think it has anything to do with being Macho...just make it a rule of thumb not to involve others that don't need to be involved. Things look like they are working the way they need to so that is all that matters.

(in reply to WayHome)
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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 8:43:16 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		This is one reason why I prefer getting to know someone online prior to meeting them. I consider myself to be fairly empathic. (I know it sounds hokey...but hey, my instincts have been pretty good...with a few small exceptions) I feel more comfortable after speaking to someone for a few weeks, seeing that they are consistent, and watching for all those red flags, prior to an initial meeting. I have been able to weed out a few potential nutjobs this way.

~Thorns

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~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 8:44:54 AM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		Glad to hear that You have the issue under control.

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"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 9:48:55 AM   
sorriah


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/24/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings E/everyone,
Did You try talking to her Sir ? Maybe she needs her path adjusted to show her guidance. A few kind words can really go far. Try it *soft smyles* Don't get me wrong Sir, but it happens to subs too. Determination can sometimes go too far. girl sympathizes with You in respect of her bothersome.But don't forget, W/we are A/all new to this lifestyle at one time in life and Y/you have to get Y/your feet wet a long the way before Y/you can proceed . Y/you pass go and collect 200 $ ~grins~
~sorriah~

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 9:50:18 AM   
sorriah


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/24/2004
Status: offline 		Why on earth does girl have vanilla by her name? she's no way vanilla and any ideas or hints in how she can change it? thank Y/you

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 10:02:21 AM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		Keep posting. It goes away eventually.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

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RE: When subs become stalkers - 8/11/2004 11:37:06 AM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		except for when your numbers go down sporadically for no apparent reason...which I have yet to understand.

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