OMG!! Need comments and suggestions

OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (Full Version)

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TCG503 -> OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/23/2008 11:40:45 PM)
I'm depressed right at the moment. Now to talk about recent happenings. So I was sitting in my room talking with collared_one and decided that I wanted her to administer her punishment for calling me snookems again. I decided that whenever she was in private at her home that she was to wear her collar, and told her to go ahead and put it on. I gave her about 10 minutes of corner time before I actually had her start and then she earned herself more licks in the process due to her forgetfulness in not adding master to the end of each statement since we were essentially in private, which I'm starting to push for. Never really did because I was trying to give her time to get used to it. We did the punishment and then she earned herself more again afterwords for the same. I had her in the corner again for about ten minutes after it was finished. This is where it gets interesting my roommate had returned after I had already started her first corner time and I was pretty much like "fuck it nobody is interrupting this" not after we had already started. After she got out of corner time I had her start to play with herself, and eventually had her break out the butt plug that I had left with her. We had some fun with that and then I had her start playing with herself again. After we finally finished up I took a break, went to the bathroom and got more coffee then went outside for a smoke. I gave her a call while I was outside and we talked about what had occurred and talked more about the fact that my roommate was present for a good amount of what occurred and I wanted to get her opinion. She wasn't being very talkative so I'm not sure what her feelings were. There were times when she would forget or fail to say master after a statement and I would state the current number of earned licks (for the record I set it at 5 per cheek for every failure). We started having connection issues (or so I thought) apparently she just stopped talking because I was tallying licks. I thought it was the cellphone connection so I hung up and went to text her and my phone dropped and battery fell out so there was a bit of a break before I could actually text. When I finally texted her I explained what happened and told her that I could hardly hear her on the phone and she said that she had started stopping for the most part (She failed to add master onto the end of that) and I asked her if she was tired (and stated the increased number of licks. She didn't respond. At this point I texted her and asked her if she was OK. I want nothing more than wants best for her and if she feels uncomfortable or hurt I want to know about it. And she told me she was tired of getting in trouble when I couldn't hear her so she just wouldn't talk. So apologized and told her that I would cut the punishment in half to take into account the shitty cellphone connection (I think that's reasonable). After letting the though gestate I bit more I texted her and told her that we would go ahead and forgo the punishment altogether and restart. She texted me and said that she didn't like feeling that she couldn't say anything to me and that she felt like she couldn't anymore. Said that it should be yes master or no master. Granted the fact that all of these statements were followed by master. I told her that for now we would go ahead and forgo the master requirement for all casual conversation except for shes or no conversations. She then told me that she was upset and was going to go to bed and said goodnight (followed by master again). I'm worried that I may be to demanding and possibly unfair. I tried to handle the situation the best I could. I want to keep this at a speed that she is comfortable with since we are still very much in the beginnings of the relationship. Any suggestions or comments?

bdaile -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 12:06:26 AM)
Well, every relationship is different, but in my opinion she obviously isn't comfortable with calling you master all the time, which I understand. Perhaps telling her she must include it at the end of every sentence is just too much. Maybe you could stick to only using it for yes or no statements for now, until she's able to get more comfortable with the term. Of course, she may never be comfortable using it, in which case you need to decide just how important that is to you.

DesFIP -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 12:32:34 AM)
She told you very clearly that the only way she can see to not constantly be punished is to not talk to you at all. You didn't want to hear that. Cutting the punishment in half is still punishing her. So she's decided not to say anything at all is the only way to be safe with you. Obviously a relationship with zero communication is not long for this world. In future ask her if she's okay with something before it blows up in your face. More than that, a rule that must be followed every single time takes 30 days to learn. One that is only followed sometimes, like this which is only followed when in private will take a lot more time to learn. If she talks to you ten times when you are both not in private for every totally private call, then expect it to take about ten times that 30 day period to learn. You can announce any rule you want but if it doesn't work for her, and she doesn't feel safe telling you that, you're setting up the relationship to fail.

NormalOutside -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 12:40:04 AM)
It sounds to me that she's not enjoying a relationship full of being made to feel wrong and inadequate, but it's really hard for me to know what to make of it all. It seemed like the beginning of your post is a continuation from something else, maybe something I've missed.

myotherself -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 12:46:33 AM)
Sounds like she's angry, frustrated and resentful. And to be totally honest, I would be too. Relationships are supposed to be positive things - we wouldn't do them otherwise. I understand that punishment is part of the dynamic, but it seems like she's being set up to fail and resents the feeling. I appreciate that the OP cut the punishments completely, but by that point she'd clearly had enough. I think he needs to talk to her again. Get her input about what she can and can't manage. Try building some rewards into the relationship, not just punishment.

Usako -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 1:46:44 AM)
Why exactly does she have to say master at the end of every sentence? You mentioned being new, is that rule because you "saw other people do it" or because you actually require it/desire it? I know me personally would never agree to that and would probably be resentful, hell I'd act out and not do it on purpose to piss the guy off. These rules and punishment things, did you guys talk them all out and both agree to them? Does she know all of what the dynamic will entail? She called you snookems and got punished for it? Why? Because you dislike the term or because it wasn't "master"? Is she a gf or just a submissive? Is it long distance or you guys actually meet up? I guess I could go on forever asking questions since she's not here to say her side. If you guys are local, I suggest meeting in person and sitting down face to face to discuss exactly what you want, what she wants and how it will go to make both parties happy. It could be she's not the type to want to say master after everything, or it could be a whole other issue. Who knows. If you're not local...then I dunno, get a better connection and call or chat on line.

E2Sweet -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 1:58:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TCG503 Any suggestions or comments? I would suggest: 1. Curtail the Master/slave stuff until you and she establish some better communication and understanding about where you are in your relationship and where you are going. It sounds to me a meeting of minds is needed here first and foremost. 2. Stop playing out the M/s aspects of the relationship via cellphones and other unreliable gadgets.

BitaTruble -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 2:04:35 AM)
~FR~ Positive reenforcements work so much better than negative ones. You are punishing her for calling you 'snookum's which is a term of endearment which sounds very odd to me. What that basically says is.. 'don't be dear'.. or 'you're not my dear'.. which can be confusing and hurtful especially when it's coupled with punishment for failing to use your preferred label. It's pretty obvious that counting up how many times you're going to smack her isn't working in the behavior modification department, so were I you, I'd rethink that as a strategy and try to come up with something which will actually work. You said yourself that you haven't been pushing for her to use the term .. then suddenly she's adding in licks for everytime she doesn't use it which is inconsistant on your part. Your behavior has had a direct impact on her behavior.. to the point where she's afraid to open her mouth because she never knows whether or not she'll be punished for something. Sometimes she is, sometimes she not.. sometimes she's punished then you recind it. You want to be called Master, but you're not behaving like one. In fact, I'd say you're much closer to 'snookum's than Master at this point. [8D] I'd suggest you train yourself first. Everytime she fails to use the label you desire, just gently prod it yourself. Her: "Would you like a cup of coffee?" You: "Master" more than likely, she'll say .. "Would you like a cup of coffee, Master?" Do that everytime. Not just once in a while. Give her some time to get used to rolling that word around on her tongue. She's gone through her whole life 'not' using it, so don't expect miracles and don't get pissed off and threaten her with something she's clearly not ready for. Just continue to be consistant, continue to say the word yourself whenever she fails and, eventually, she'll start saying it too.. in fact, she'll want to say it.. because it will please you .. so she's motivated. Right now, she's not motivated because she's afraid to open her mouth at all! You know, if your kid is learning to walk and you spank them every time they fall, guess what.. they'll just keep crawling and never learn to walk at all. Just something to think about.

ShellyD -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 3:44:42 AM)
quote: She wasn't being very talkative so I'm not sure what her feelings were. There were times when she would forget or fail to say master after a statement and I would state the current number of earned licks (for the record I set it at 5 per cheek for every failure). We started having connection issues (or so I thought) apparently she just stopped talking because I was tallying licks. Any suggestions or comments? This quote was taken at random as the OP is somewhat jumbled. I had a massive problem when in my first and last M/s 24/7 High Protocol relationship. I resented having to say Master at the beginning and end of every sentence, I found it to be really pointless as it ended up my feeling he was only listening to hear the 'master' and not the content of what I was saying. This led to me closing up and rarely speaking as it was too frustrating to try and get clear communication with him. He stood by his edict, 'I am Master, I make the rules, you obey' I exercised my 'only right' and left him. [sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif][sm=pigsfly.gif] I suggest you listen for content rather than the 'magic word'........ ETA: I took the nasty and irrelevant comments out.

DarkSteven -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 3:59:55 AM)
First off, I suggest that you terminate punishment with a statement like, "You are forgiven". That will establish a clear break between discipline and fun. You changed from corner time abruptly to masturbation and she may well get pleasure confused with punishment, which you do not want. The two of you have a very difficult job with a new relationship being long distance, and not even having good phone quality. I suggest leveling with her and telling her that you only have XX minutes of communication each week, and that you want it to focus on more than punishment. What does she recommend to remedy that? As Master, you don't have to take her suggestions, but I would advise you to get her as acrively involved as possible, so she feels some investment in the relationship.

mistoferin -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 4:23:38 AM)
I took a gander at your profile and I see that you are pretty new to all of this. I am left to wonder where your ideas have come from....are these things that are important to you personally or are they just things that you heard or read somewhere are "supposed to be"? Not trying to talk down to you so please don't take it that way....but I've been doing this for a really long time and I don't drop in a "Master"....or even a "Sir" at the end of every sentence. Actually, I don't say those words with any real regularity as I find that in the real life world they get a lot of attention that I'd really rather not have...and neither does Sir. If someone were to require that of me I would have a real problem doing so. A couple of other things that I would like to address that you wrote is consistency and involving others (the roommate). As you are new I am assuming that your collared one is also. She is likely trying to figure out how all of this fits her and that is not always as easy as "just do it". Heck, I would be mortified if Sir were to put me in a corner with a butt plug and spank me with others present. Is this roommate lifestyle aware and has a good understanding of what the two of you are doing? Have you and your collared one talked and agreed to what your dynamic would be in the presence of others? Consistency.....and this might seem like I am contradicting myself but hear me out. You told her to do _____, she balked, you understood that she apparently is not into doing _____ so you told her you would cut punishment in half. She still balked so you told her you would just forget it. To me that says that you are not in control and have no idea what is really important to you. You have sent her a message that says that if she balks hard enough she can manipulate you. I would not follow the lead of a man who did that. It is really important that in your position you decide what the ground rules are going to be. Not because you heard that it's what is supposed to be...but because it's personally important to you. It is then your job to communicate with your significant other what the rules are to be, consider the feedback of your partner and come to an agreement. Then, it's your job to enforce those agreed upon rules. Not backpeddle on them when met with resistance. I don't get into relationships where there will be a punishment dynamic. I'm grown up and accountable for my actions and I submit because I desire to be pleasing to my partner. If a rule gets broken we communicate about why it happened and what needs to happen for it not to recur. What I think may be happening is a "too much too soon" kind of thing for you. When one is just starting out it is difficult to jump right in with both feet sometimes. Time and patience are your friends.

TCG503 -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 5:18:40 AM)
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your input you have been much helpful.

CatdeMedici -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 5:33:53 AM)
Dominant and submissive, Master and slave is not drill sergeant and recruit--do not mistake domineering for dominating--huge huge difference.

mc1234 -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 6:11:55 AM)
You've gotten excellent advice here. I'd also add the thought of - think of how your girl felt during this phone conversation. How every time she was opening her mouth she was adding to punishment, she was displeasing you and f***ing up in general. How demoralizing that is, when in reality, all she probably wants to do is connect with her Dominant and spend some quality time with him. I've been in the position she was in - where I felt muted because I was digging a hole by using either the wrong words 'Sir' not 'Master' or something like that - or where no matter what I was saying it was somehow wrong. It's really difficult, and I ended a fairly long relationship because of it. When I realized what a huge communication gap we had, it was clear it wasn't healthy for me to remain somewhere I didn't fit.

persephonee -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 6:29:50 AM)
For the record, i am not owned and therefore am not subject to a bunch of rules and protocol that may or may not be very important to whatever dynamic...that being said, i have had some contact with people who really felt the need for a lot of verbal protocol...online, there was a whole lot of capitalization and third person speak and proper ways to approach and whatnot....in person, there were physical rules....you know the drill.... My point is, that i never got to know the person....and i never felt safe to open up and i honestly feel that that is what that person wanted from me more than proper stance and a few commas and capital letters...it simply never happened, because i was way too scared that i wouldnt be able to approach the right way ...lets not even get into the eye contact restrictions.... If what you really want is a relationship, create a relationship first....then add whatever protocol you think is hot. i guarantee you she has a drive to please...let her know who she is pleasing before putting obstacles up for her to hurdle. i adore the men that i serve at present...and i would be more than happy to please them in any way possible. If J came to me after a year together and said that he wanted me to call him something special or wanted me to do something everytime i saw him or spoke to him, i would apply myself to do that and i would want to be perfect at it...out of a desire to please him. Because i know him and respect him and want to make him happy and want his approval. Same with M...they make me happy by letting me make them happy. i would feel that if they wanted me to learn something new, that not only would they allow me to internalize it, but that they would only help me learn it, not punish me for messing up.... What is being said is more important than what honorific i put in front of it or behind it....n'est pas?

SteelofUtah -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 7:51:38 AM)
TCG503 You have Mail Steel

SimplyMichael -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 7:56:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TCG503 I'm depressed right at the moment. Now to talk about recent happenings. Any suggestions or comments? Yeah, I got a suggestion. Which do you want more, a slave you can punish or a slave you adore? Buy an average book on raising kids and read it. Your woman is not in boot camp and leaping on every mistake is breaking her down, just as boot camp is designed to break people down. BUT and this is a huge but, they then build those people back up and you clearly don't have that ability or training. So you are ending up with someone who has been broken down and are now whining that they are, well, broken. I think you need to look inside yourself and examine your need to tear someone down, till you master that problem, you are unlikely to master anyone else.

CalifChick -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 8:08:46 AM)
I immediately got the "drill sarge" vibe as well. "Sir! Yes Sir!"... "Sir! No Sir!"... Maybe being an army slave isn't what she had in mind. Cali

akisha -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 8:21:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TCG503 I'm depressed right at the moment. Now to talk about recent happenings. So I was sitting in my room talking with collared_one and decided that I wanted her to administer her punishment for calling me snookems again. I decided that whenever she was in private at her home that she was to wear her collar, and told her to go ahead and put it on. I gave her about 10 minutes of corner time before I actually had her start and then she earned herself more licks in the process due to her forgetfulness in not adding master to the end of each statement since we were essentially in private, which I'm starting to push for. Never really did because I was trying to give her time to get used to it. We did the punishment and then she earned herself more again afterwords for the same. I had her in the corner again for about ten minutes after it was finished. This is where it gets interesting my roommate had returned after I had already started her first corner time and I was pretty much like "fuck it nobody is interrupting this" not after we had already started. After she got out of corner time I had her start to play with herself, and eventually had her break out the butt plug that I had left with her. We had some fun with that and then I had her start playing with herself again. After we finally finished up I took a break, went to the bathroom and got more coffee then went outside for a smoke. I gave her a call while I was outside and we talked about what had occurred and talked more about the fact that my roommate was present for a good amount of what occurred and I wanted to get her opinion. She wasn't being very talkative so I'm not sure what her feelings were. There were times when she would forget or fail to say master after a statement and I would state the current number of earned licks (for the record I set it at 5 per cheek for every failure). We started having connection issues (or so I thought) apparently she just stopped talking because I was tallying licks. I thought it was the cellphone connection so I hung up and went to text her and my phone dropped and battery fell out so there was a bit of a break before I could actually text. When I finally texted her I explained what happened and told her that I could hardly hear her on the phone and she said that she had started stopping for the most part (She failed to add master onto the end of that) and I asked her if she was tired (and stated the increased number of licks. She didn't respond. At this point I texted her and asked her if she was OK. I want nothing more than wants best for her and if she feels uncomfortable or hurt I want to know about it. And she told me she was tired of getting in trouble when I couldn't hear her so she just wouldn't talk. So apologized and told her that I would cut the punishment in half to take into account the shitty cellphone connection (I think that's reasonable). After letting the though gestate I bit more I texted her and told her that we would go ahead and forgo the punishment altogether and restart. She texted me and said that she didn't like feeling that she couldn't say anything to me and that she felt like she couldn't anymore. Said that it should be yes master or no master. Granted the fact that all of these statements were followed by master. I told her that for now we would go ahead and forgo the master requirement for all casual conversation except for shes or no conversations. She then told me that she was upset and was going to go to bed and said goodnight (followed by master again). I'm worried that I may be to demanding and possibly unfair. I tried to handle the situation the best I could. I want to keep this at a speed that she is comfortable with since we are still very much in the beginnings of the relationship. Any suggestions or comments? I haven't read all the replies yet but just from reading what you have, I kind of understand how your sub feels. If when I was talking to my Master all I ever heard was how I was screwing up and how many times I was going to get hit, after each sentence I spoke I'd stop speaking too. My thoughts would be "Why bother" No matter what she does all she hears is that she's in trouble and going to get hit more. In the begining of a relationship, especially a long distance one when you aren't talking to your SO all the time it's really hard to get into the habit of saying "Master" all the time. Plus having to say "Master" after each and every sentence or statement is really really annoying, especially if you aren't totally comfortable with saying it anyway. Just my guess but she's probably feeling like she can't do anything right to please you so why bother. You giving her the new tally of wacks she's going to get after every sentence she says is telling her that you aren't actually listening to what she is saying you are only listening to see if she says "Master" or not. I would also become completely unresponsive to a Dom in such circumstances. And I would probably break off the relationship. If your relationship is still very new, maybe you might want to talk to her and find out what she feels comfortable with. and actually listen to what she says. I found the less I was DEMANDED to adress someone as a certain title, the easier it was to actually do so. My former Dom wanted to be addressed as Daddy or Master. I was not comfortable at first with either. But as we talked and got to know each other as a couple, and the more of his control i felt in my life the more i actually wanted to address him as Master, and Daddy progressed after that as I became more comfortable with what it meant to him and what he meant to me. Think about how your avenue of "training" is going so far. Is it effective? Is it bringing you and your sub closer together or driving her away from you?? Change your tactics to achieve your desired goals or seek a different target, cause you are certainly not getting the effect you want the way it's going now.

NuevaVida -> RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions (12/24/2008 8:39:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble I'd suggest you train yourself first. Everytime she fails to use the label you desire, just gently prod it yourself. Her: "Would you like a cup of coffee?" You: "Master" more than likely, she'll say .. "Would you like a cup of coffee, Master?" Do that everytime. Loved Celeste's whole post but wanted to add something to this if I dare (heh). Your back to back compounded punishments have shut her down. Having been shut down before, the only thing that drew me back was to feel emotionally safe, and that meant someone taking a gentle approach with me, at least until I was back on my feet. If you take Celeste's advice, and I suggest you do, the way you say "Master" is going to be critical. If you are impatient, you won't bring her back to safety. If you are gentle, and speak as though you are genuinely helping her and genuinely care, she will, like a scared puppy, slowly and carefully approach you. But it's a delicate situation now. Please proceed with care.

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