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RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 9:03:58 AM

Lockit

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I would have a good heart to heart talk... safe zone... no punishment... just two people who cared enough about one another to do what you are doing. Even a dominant should be humble, admit mistakes and be very upset when they have done harm or might have. Everyone makes mistakes... You didn't intentionally make one... but you have made one.

I think it is time to get to some basics and show her you are worth submitting too even if you are new. Show her what makes you so special and show your heart. Show her a humble master who has the care to protect her even if that is from you. Apologize and mean it... make her feel safe and nurtured. She earned a bit of after care I think.

Don't beat yourself up too much... but do be accountable... realize your mistakes and do repair work and move on. Good luck to you both...

PS... Leave the roommate and other's out of it. No one was asked if they wanted a part of it or to allow other's to be a part of it. You wrong everyone in that sort of situation. Your dominance doesn't depend on when and how and it must be corrected this moment. It depends on your judgment and patience.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 12/24/2008 9:05:59 AM >

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Post #: 21

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 9:55:46 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I would have a good heart to heart talk... safe zone... no punishment... just two people who cared enough about one another to do what you are doing. Even a dominant should be humble, admit mistakes and be very upset when they have done harm or might have. Everyone makes mistakes... You didn't intentionally make one... but you have made one.

I think it is time to get to some basics and show her you are worth submitting too even if you are new. Show her what makes you so special and show your heart. Show her a humble master who has the care to protect her even if that is from you. Apologize and mean it... make her feel safe and nurtured. She earned a bit of after care I think.

Don't beat yourself up too much... but do be accountable... realize your mistakes and do repair work and move on. Good luck to you both...

PS... Leave the roommate and other's out of it. No one was asked if they wanted a part of it or to allow other's to be a part of it. You wrong everyone in that sort of situation. Your dominance doesn't depend on when and how and it must be corrected this moment. It depends on your judgment and patience.

I am not sure how that happens via the phone or internet which, from what I read, that is the primary means of communication. I may be wrong. Which may make a difference in who else was in the home..... (I'll just shut my bedroom door while I finish this and.....whatever he does while chatting)

Regardless of whether this situation is online or real time, I just cannot imagine constantly shutting down communication. I want my girl to be more open and communicative, not fearful of it.

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Post #: 22

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 11:04:17 AM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
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I think you're asking too much and too fast and need to learn how to catch her emotional sign posts better.

(in reply to TCG503)

Post #: 23

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 11:13:17 AM

bratnwranglers

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
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hmm, well i just noticed went i got online today, and there were a lot of questions about it, so i thought it would answer some... although, i am horrible at quoting more then one source...so ill just answer them...

O/our relationship was founded in the flesh, but His post has moved (His family lives in Ohio) and now, it has turned into a LDR, at least for the time being.

as far as being punished (5 spankings) for calling Him "Snookems"...hmm yea i deserved that one... i know im not supposed to becauuuse He hates that particular nickname.. and i did it anyways...couldn't help myself.

i don't mind calling Him Master as a general when i'm alone, especially when its a short answer, ill tack Master on the end of the comment, but i was really having a hard time with every sentence, it seemed really redundant to me, and just a "speed trap" if you will and especially when i get talking ( i'm a talker) my brain is moving so fast trying to get everything out of my mouth before i forget, it tends to get jumbled and certainly saying Master is forgotten occasionally, especially after every sentence.

But i was frustrated because it was a horrible phone connection anyways, like every forth word was going through, and all i could hear was a count increasing. when i thought, He couldn't even hear if i was saying it or not anyways...so i just stopped talking to avoid the problem all together, (plus i was exhausted it was almost 2:30 a.m. by then).

But thank Y/you all so much for all Y/your comments, lot of wisedom and insight, thankfully W/we talked about it right away, and i don't really foresee it as being a problem, just an accumulation of things. Oh and Happy Holidays all :)

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 24

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 11:17:52 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I would have a good heart to heart talk... safe zone... no punishment... just two people who cared enough about one another to do what you are doing. Even a dominant should be humble, admit mistakes and be very upset when they have done harm or might have. Everyone makes mistakes... You didn't intentionally make one... but you have made one.

I think it is time to get to some basics and show her you are worth submitting too even if you are new. Show her what makes you so special and show your heart. Show her a humble master who has the care to protect her even if that is from you. Apologize and mean it... make her feel safe and nurtured. She earned a bit of after care I think.

Don't beat yourself up too much... but do be accountable... realize your mistakes and do repair work and move on. Good luck to you both...

PS... Leave the roommate and other's out of it. No one was asked if they wanted a part of it or to allow other's to be a part of it. You wrong everyone in that sort of situation. Your dominance doesn't depend on when and how and it must be corrected this moment. It depends on your judgment and patience.

I am not sure how that happens via the phone or internet which, from what I read, that is the primary means of communication. I may be wrong. Which may make a difference in who else was in the home..... (I'll just shut my bedroom door while I finish this and.....whatever he does while chatting)

Regardless of whether this situation is online or real time, I just cannot imagine constantly shutting down communication. I want my girl to be more open and communicative, not fearful of it.

I was thinking that in messenger, which is how I assume they were communicating besides the phone, that he could nurture her... it is amazing what can be expressed through the written word. I can talk someone into a very peaceful state even in messenger. If one can dominate or make mistakes somehow from a distance... they can give some after care too.

As for the roommate.. I wouldn't think he would mention the roommate being there unless he could see something. I am of course assuming. lol I can picture cam... and all that you know? lol Why would the roommate be a problem if it wasn't a problem? lol But who knows?! lol

< Message edited by Lockit -- 12/24/2008 11:22:03 AM >

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Post #: 25

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 11:26:35 AM

bratnwranglers

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
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i didn't really care about the roommate...lol its not like he was sitting on the bed with Him, lol there were walls and doors seperating them.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 26

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 12:15:21 PM

bdaile

Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline

Well, it's nice to know that you two talked things through and don't think it will be a problem in the future. Maybe you should make a rule that if the phone connection goes bad or something goes wrong you will immediately email each other to make sure no one's feelings have been hurt? Just a thought...

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Post #: 27

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 1:27:21 PM

GoodFeathers

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Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

I agree with the point about a "safe zone" where anything can be said without fear of punishment.

< Message edited by GoodFeathers -- 12/24/2008 1:28:10 PM >

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Post #: 28

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 1:37:25 PM

CatdeMedici

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I bet a 5spot it happens again, not wishing it, but I feel a pattern forming here.

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Post #: 29

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 1:55:33 PM

bratnwranglers

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Joined: 5/24/2007
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kind of an odd thing to say

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 30

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 3:48:10 PM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

Keep in mind that I'm responding only to the OP and haven't had time to read through everyone else's responses, so if I'm repeating someone else's words...please accept the apology *grins*

I have a really hard time with things like this, so I can understand where your girl is coming from. My problem isn't with using terms like 'Master' or 'Sir', it's with getting punished constantly for infractions or any sort. If you've never been in a relationship which requires titles to be used, beginning to use them is excruciatingly difficult. You feel silly, weird, embarassed, sometimes harassed, and often times, like you've been reduced from a person to a 'thing'. That last one is definately the hardest for me...if that feeling suddenly hits me out of no where, I do exactly what your girl did, which is shut down completely. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I like to experience objectification/dehumanization, but if it happens and I'm unprepared for it, I often have a very negative reaction.

While I haven't talked with your girl and therefore couldn't say for sure, I'd be willing to bet it got to a point where she started feeling a bit resentful and angry, not to mention like you were pointing out what a complete failure and disappointment she was (even if that wasn't what you were doing, and weren't implying that in any way you can see). So, in the interest of self-preservation, she simply shut herself off completely. The end of the conversation where you say that she was continually, and without failure, referring to you as 'Master', is exactly the kind of thing I'd do. Turn into the robot I felt like I was being asked to emmulate and completely disconnect myself from the situation.

In my opinion, I think the intent of the phrase is far more important than the delivery. I (would hope anyway) that your goal in getting her to call you 'Master' more often, is that it becomes natural for her and helps to deepen the relationship and connection, as well as cement a more formal bond. I don't personally feel that will happen by requiring she call you 'Master' at the end of each sentence and then punishing her when she fails. There is nothing natural about that. If she's speaking with you, and she is obviously being respectful, that in and of itself (to me!), is a signal of her submission to you and respect for you. If she's being a mouthy little brat, that's a different situation which of course requires quick action...but that's a different topic. If she finds herself in that headspace, calling you 'Master' will simply come naturally to her...but I don't personally feel that it can be forced. Once again though, this is just my opinion.

My suggestion is to talk with her. Have her explain exactly what she was feeling, what she was thinking, and what hurt her (because it's obvious that she was hurt). Explain to her what your goals are in terms of changing the termanology of your relationship and have her give you ideas of what she feels would work for her to be able to accomplish these goals. Then make her stick to it. And always remember, that you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Positive reinforcement is by far the best possible way to instill a behavior change. Maybe you don't need to change anything about your requirment, other than that you acknowledge how well she does, rather than point out when she fails. Instead of telling her the total number of times she's going to be punished for her failure, at the end of say a 3 minute conversation where she's performed flawlessly, tell her how exceptionally proud you are of her, how well she's done, and how pleased you are with her behavior.

Just my two cents worth.

(in reply to TCG503)

Post #: 31

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 4:55:26 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Hmm, let's see, we have intimidating someone, making unreasonable demands, hitting them, and fear motivation. This isn't domination as much as it's bullying and browbeating.

I concur with what SimplyMichael wrote, you're breaking her down, but it's clear you haven't really got a clue what you're doing, and my best advice would be to lay off the whole D/s thing until (1) you both know each other a lot better, (2) you both learn to communicate each other more effectively, (3) you both learn what issues both of you have inside yourselves and what potential effect these issues have on your relationship and interaction and (4) you learn, no sorry, you study what motivates her to submit and what motivates you as a dominant.

Exammple from my own experience. I was trained over 5 years by a very strict, sadistic lesbian Mistress on the basis of formal domestic service, uniforms, high protocol, speech restrictions, the works. I received instruction via my training once, all instructions were to be received once, and followed through to achieve the result as expected or there would be punishment.

Did I fuck up? Yes, sometimes quite often. Was I always punished when I fucked up?

No, I wasn't. Sometimes my domme punished me, and sometimes she didn't, she let me off, but in each and every case it was purely her decision whether to punish me or not. That is being in control, that is power and being a dominant isn't just about having power and control, but about using it and managing it to motivate the submissive to their maximum potential.

I have some friends in Warsaw, Maciej who's dom, Dorota who is his switch partner, and Dora, their female slave. A full sized Malaysian punishment cane hangs on the wall in their bedroom. This is a cane which is wielded correctly can cut the skin. However neither Dorota nor Dora have broken skin, because Maciej knows how to use it with differing degrees of intensity, or not use it at all. 'I have the power to use that cane anywhich way I wish, I also have the power not to use the cane,' he explains, 'I am the dominant, I am always in control because it is always my decision.'

Some may disagree with me here, but your effectiveness as a Master is measured not in how effective you a punish submissive, but in how effective you are able to motivate a submissive through communicating with them. The more you have to punish your submissive, the less effective you are as a Master, but the more you are able to motivate a submissive through effective communication, the more effective you are as a dominant.

Just my take anyway..

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(in reply to TCG503)

Post #: 32

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 5:20:15 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

...Some may disagree with me here, but your effectiveness as a Master is measured not in how effective you punish a submissive, but in how effective you are able to motivate a submissive through communicating with them...

I couldn't agree more.

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Post #: 33

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 5:54:37 PM

TheVoiceofOne

Posts: 58
Joined: 11/5/2008
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Glad to hear you two worked it out together... in your own way.

Communication is the key, which means making listening and actually hearing... more important than talking, or punishing.

I myself don't find the phone to be a good avenue for punishment. If my slave is going to be punished I prefer my hands to be the ones doing the punishing... But that's just me.

Good luck to you both.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 34

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 6:03:22 PM

faithbunny

Posts: 99
Joined: 10/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
The more you have to punish your submissive, the less effective you are as a Master, but the more you are able to motivate a submissive through effective communication, the more effective you are as a dominant.

You said it...

~faith

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 35

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 6:18:03 PM

TheVoiceofOne

Posts: 58
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I bet a 5spot it happens again, not wishing it, but I feel a pattern forming here.

Maybe if he were willing to be trained by an expert in all things... someone without fault... someone omniscient...hmmm... know anyone?

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 36

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 9:32:36 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

And why are you Master? Cause you found info that states you are a Master if you have a girl that can endure your domineering punishments.

Poor thing! I'd walk away if I were her. You are not a master. You might be a dominant type man with alot of fantasies you have gleaned from this lifestyle....
maybe a Sir, but not master.

Your girl is just learning how to be submissive, correct? Then allow some mistakes. She is not a slave and if she is from what fantasy have you taught her?

I hear trumping through my brain...... sing along everyone..........
We're in the army now.....

(in reply to TheVoiceofOne)

Post #: 37

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 10:04:34 PM

bratnwranglers

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

And why are you Master? Cause you found info that states you are a Master if you have a girl that can endure your domineering punishments.

Poor thing! I'd walk away if I were her. You are not a master. You might be a dominant type man with alot of fantasies you have gleaned from this lifestyle....
maybe a Sir, but not master.

Your girl is just learning how to be submissive, correct? Then allow some mistakes. She is not a slave and if she is from what fantasy have you taught her?

I hear trumping through my brain...... sing along everyone..........
We're in the army now.....

Actually, ive been in and around the lifestyle since an early age, 7 years now, so while i'm sure i have a lot to learn, im not necessarily wet behind the ears...

and as far as domineering punishments, He has adminstered punishments to me in person, always being gentle in His manner, constantly aware of my person, and afterwards holding and snuggling me. i never once doubted how much i meant and how important i was to Him.

this situation happened to be the first time He tried to adminster punishment through the phone, due to it becoming a LDR because of where He is now stationed. just out of sync that night, one of those things i suppose that goes along with any couple in a long term relationship not to mention long distance as well.

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 38

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 10:45:51 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheVoiceofOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I bet a 5spot it happens again, not wishing it, but I feel a pattern forming here.

Maybe if he were willing to be trained by an expert in all things... someone without fault... someone omniscient...hmmm... know anyone?

Nah, any half assed decent top could teach that guy to be a better dominant than he is now.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 12/24/2008 10:50:44 PM >

(in reply to TheVoiceofOne)

Post #: 39

RE: OMG!! Need comments and suggestions - 12/24/2008 11:13:59 PM

bratnwranglers

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheVoiceofOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I bet a 5spot it happens again, not wishing it, but I feel a pattern forming here.

Maybe if he were willing to be trained by an expert in all things... someone without fault... someone omniscient...hmmm... know anyone?

Nah, any half assed decent top could teach that guy to be a better dominant than he is now.

i am kind of amazed at the variety of responses when someone asks others within the lifestyle for wisdom in a situation because they have a lot to learn and are willing to do so....many very insightful and a ton of help, and others...i'll leave it at that so that i remain respectful, but it is discouraging.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 40

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