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New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/26/2008 9:07:03 PM   
willowoman43


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline 		Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master...It seems as though we don't maintain the roles so we constantly fall in and out of it. There will be nights when we get lost in our roles but other nights where it doesn't exist.. Is this normal or are we just not taking it seriously enough>? I would love to be able to keep it going but it doesn't happen. Also anyone have any suggestions on where I can find a nice collar??????

Any ideas suggestions????

Thanks kindly

a humbled kitten
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/26/2008 9:50:19 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		The problem is that you are playing roles instead of being yourselves. 

He is a Dominant always.  He has no need to role play being a Dominant.  That means that no matter what we are doing, he is the Dom....and I remain his submissive because that is who I am. 

Makes life so much easier that way. 

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/26/2008 9:56:10 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Well, even if he's a dominant, he's allowed to laugh sometimes.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/26/2008 10:42:17 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		There is a difference in being a part time Dom/sub and really being a full time Dom/sud couple. You both live it, eat it, breath it, drink it, sleep it so it permiates every fibre of your body. Each couple have different dynamics in what works for them, you both just haven't settled into or fully discovered yours. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/26/2008 10:55:36 PM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Just be yourselves and enjoy each other - go with the flow.
I suggest leaving the matter of finding a collar do your Master. It's his privilege to collar you, if He so wish.

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 12:01:52 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: willowoman43

Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master...It seems as though we don't maintain the roles so we constantly fall in and out of it. There will be nights when we get lost in our roles but other nights where it doesn't exist.. Is this normal or are we just not taking it seriously enough>? I would love to be able to keep it going but it doesn't happen. Also anyone have any suggestions on where I can find a nice collar??????

Any ideas suggestions????

Thanks kindly

a humbled kitten


i'd highly recommend you talk with your Master regarding his and your expectations. What is it you seek in being his submissive? Are you looking for that erotic glow constantly? Can you be happy submitting to your Master when it doesn't involve what you agree with or even want? It's very important to understand what it is you want in submission and how you and your Master define what submission is.
 
In the beginning it's easy to believe that the lusty erotic tension is a D/s relationship. It's just a small aspect of it, depending on how much of your relationship revolves around sex and kink. D/s is not any different than any lifestyle people choose in terms of continuing to deal with life challenges, pressures etc. It just provides a more clearly defined structure in dealing with this life. At least that's my experience with it.
 
I highly recommend that you understand what you think D/s is, what you are realistically capable of doing, and what you are willing to grow toward. i also think it's important to be very clear about what your Master anticipates in your relationship and find out if you're both following the same map. Wishing you all the best in your journey.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 2:54:42 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

The problem is that you are playing roles instead of being yourselves. 

He is a Dominant always.  He has no need to role play being a Dominant.  That means that no matter what we are doing, he is the Dom....and I remain his submissive because that is who I am. 

Makes life so much easier that way. 



Well said   Sir and I have a life together, we have a relationship in which He is the Dom and I am the sub.  But I don't call Him Sir all the time, He doesn't always order me about, we just get on with living   We joke and laugh and love each other just like any other couple. 

For us, the relationship comes first, the D/s is the icing on the cake.  I've never been happier nor felt more like I belong than in my service to Him (which is not confined to sex or kink btw). 

To the OP - don't try so hard.  Your dynamic will sort itself out over time.  Sir and I have had 5 years to get to where we are



_____________________________

Collared sub and married to Nevershyau

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 5:15:01 AM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Well, even if he's a dominant, he's allowed to laugh sometimes.


We can laugh????? Why didn't somebody tell Me???????


Seriously OP, if you are in a dynamic that puts you together for long periods of time, there are some times it will look "regular" and not like a D/s or M/s relationship at all. 

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 5:33:47 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: willowoman43

Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master...It seems as though we don't maintain the roles so we constantly fall in and out of it. There will be nights when we get lost in our roles but other nights where it doesn't exist.. Is this normal or are we just not taking it seriously enough>? I would love to be able to keep it going but it doesn't happen.

Unless you are just roleplaying, you do not actualy fall in and out of it. You just dont make it quite as obvious some nights.
For instance, last night, Fox and I played video games for hours, after I had made dinner. No where in there did I grab a whip and beat him, nor did he have to kneel to me while we played. Our dynamic didnt fall away, we just didnt see a need to do anything that was specifically D/s for the time being. The relationship is far more than your being sub to him in observable ways at all times. That gets burdensome. When he wants it, he will let you know. Otherwise, just enjoy yourselves.

AS for a collar, worry about that when he tels you to find one, otherwise its a bit presumptuous.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 7:30:44 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I think there are times when "real life" takes precedence, as other people have mentioned. Sometimes you guys just had really long days at work, or maybe the bank sent you an overdraft notice, or maybe you both just want to relax and be "normal" for awhile. Those are okay. My hubby and I find ourselves falling into "role play" more and more easily these days, but to try and force it when it's not there is like trying to pull teeth that don't exist. Very frustrating. It doesn't mean that you guys aren't trying hard enough, it just means that you two are actually building a real, workable LIFE together is all.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 10:21:46 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Can you be more specific?  What do you mean exactly?  Are you saying that you don't play all the time?  That you don't always call him Master or Sir or whatever it is you call him when you are in your "roles"?  Or are you saying that the D/s M/s dynamic is not always present, or you don't feel it is present?
 
Sometimes I just want to kick back and watch a movie and not necessarily engage in some kink specific activity.  That does not take away from who I am, who my sub is, and how we relate to one another, it simply means that I want to watch a movie.



_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 10:49:40 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Here's the reality of D/s. It is impossible to be in "On" mode 24/7/365. D/s is an undercurrent in how our relationship works, however I'm not on my knees, naked 24/7.

Sometimes real life happens. It means that grocery shopping gets done, errands get run and we have jobs to go to.

So, if you're not role playing you'll find that D/s permeates the whole relationship even if you're not actively engaging in activities.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 11:03:30 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master... 
My observations will come across blunt, possibly disrespectful and maybe judgmental. Your profile says:    Looking for another woman to fill in the gaps. Would like to keep discrete, as this is my own little sexy secret...... like myself that just can't get enough or has a lover that just can't keep her busy. .......after he is gone .  . . . . so I would really question how thoroughly you enjoy being a sub to this man. 
It seems as though we don't maintain the roles ......  I can understand your profile if you are only playing roles because bottoms don't necessarily belong to/are owned by  tops.

anyone have any suggestions on where I can find a nice collar??????

You are wanting a collar? for yourself? . . .  yet you will play another role with a woman that he knows nothing about ~  keep discrete,I would ask what sort of commitment have you made with this man to deserve a collar.  It is built on dishonesty. a humbled   I would not feel humbled if I were playing roles and begging a collar while being dishonest.  

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 12:50:49 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: willowoman43

Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master...It seems as though we don't maintain the roles so we constantly fall in and out of it. There will be nights when we get lost in our roles but other nights where it doesn't exist.. Is this normal or are we just not taking it seriously enough>? I would love to be able to keep it going but it doesn't happen. Also anyone have any suggestions on where I can find a nice collar??????

Going solely off your OP and not the interpretations of others (including of your profile), I'd say your relationship is quite normal to me....
 
My own profile states something to the effect that I'm always Dom but not always in Dom *mode*; that I also like to share as equal adults, too blah blah.  Hey, it can be lonely at the top and what's the point of owning something if you can't utilise all that it or she is, and as I deem fit?
 
What may be different between us is degree, however!  Some days I'm more in a controlling mood than others but even when we're just another couple, it takes less than the blink of an eye to re-assert my authority should she forget her place etc - and vice-versa once she's adjusted her behaviour.  So yeah, her being watched over has nothing to do with me being all severe, detached  and anal about it - as she readily learns....
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 6:51:03 PM   
MastersPanda


Posts: 28
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		Relax. And communicate communicate communicate ! Oh and did i mention to communicate !!!!!!! He cannot read your mind and vice versa. It is important to discuss what you both want out of your dymanic. Master is still my best friend, we spend many hours a day together that do not involve spankings and kneeling. The best thing is to find what works for YOU!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/27/2008 7:39:42 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Here's the reality of D/s. It is impossible to be in "On" mode 24/7/365. D/s is an undercurrent in how our relationship works, however I'm not on my knees, naked 24/7.

Sometimes real life happens. It means that grocery shopping gets done, errands get run and we have jobs to go to.

So, if you're not role playing you'll find that D/s permeates the whole relationship even if you're not actively engaging in activities.


So true, OsideGirl.  For us, when that grocery shopping and errands is all getting done, there's no doubt what the dynamic is and that I'm doing all of it to be pleasing to Him.  Today was a fairly typical Saturday.  I packed His lunch (leftover Christmas ham and casserole and his favorite kinds of homemade cookies) before He went off to work and then I set about doing the chores that I knew He wanted done.  I took down the Christmas tree and all the decorations and boxed them up for storage.  I cleaned up the holiday mess, did the shopping and the laundry and then did some specifically requested grooming.  He'll be back home in a couple of hours and His late-night dinner (and strawberry jello with bananas - his request) will be waiting. 

In all of this, there was no nudity, whips, chains or kink.  But all this was done in service to Him - to meet His desires and please Him.  That M/s dynamic we share is always obvious to us regardless of the activities taking place.  Perhaps as you and your partner grow into your relationship you'll be able to do the same.  Best of luck...................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/28/2008 12:25:43 AM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		I have seen this before,is he also new to Dominating?Just give it time ,you  are like blossoming flowers.
My daddy got my collar at http://www.bondagecollars.com/

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/29/2008 8:13:54 PM   
willowoman43


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you for your support. Yes we are both pretty new to this and although I do get kind of "pouty" some times when we seem to go for periods of not playing, I also enjoy knowing that we can get really in touch with our selves and each other when we are playing. Its always worth the wait. Thank you for the link for a collar!!

(in reply to BondageBarbieX)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/29/2008 8:34:28 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		willowoman

It is really difficult to make any comments of you given situation.  It's very much like trying to throw a dart blindfolded and expect to hit the bullseye.  But, there are some common things that people that are new to the lifestyle tend to do... and that is try to do too much at first.   It might be when you are both focused and in a grove that everyone you both desire comes off just fine.  But those days that you not doing so well you might see that your focus and concentration is sort of off.   Sometimes the best thing to do is learn and adapt only a very few behaviors at a time until the focus and concentration to pull it off is at the low end.  It's rather a simple techinque of building he skills and adding as you go.  You might find that you are going to be more successful in the long-run and have less ups and downs.  As note... don't get discouraged with the ups and downs either.  Both are just telling you something... and up naturally tells you are one and those downs just tell you need to slow down alittle.  You will find over time as you continue to grow in your interactions with each other that there will always be ups and downs but if your doing well the trend is upward over all.  IE.. last down is not as down as before and the ups are generally higher than the previous ups.

From the comments I have seen in thread there is the common stuff about being one self etc.  This is true to an extent but really not all that useful when one is trying to get better at doing what they enjoy or is comfortable for themselves.  Do what you enjoy.. but don't think you are going to just run with everything possible thing that you want to introduce into your dynamic.  It really does't matter that you are that uber Dom or sub etc.  People will only learn and adapt at a certain rate, you just need to find the pace that is best for the two of you.  Being oneself to me is more a direction to go... but the pace you go in that direction is another matter all together.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New Sub with questions on maintaining lifestyle - 12/30/2008 1:27:48 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: willowoman43

Hi! I thoroughly enjoy being a sub for my Master...It seems as though we don't maintain the roles so we constantly fall in and out of it. There will be nights when we get lost in our roles but other nights where it doesn't exist.. Is this normal or are we just not taking it seriously enough>? I would love to be able to keep it going but it doesn't happen. Also anyone have any suggestions on where I can find a nice collar??????

Any ideas suggestions????

Thanks kindly

a humbled kitten


If you're having fun and doing what comes naturally, you really don't have anything to worry about. You don't have to be 'on' or 'off' on any sort of schedule. If it's normal for you.. then it's normal. As for getting a quality collar, google is your friend. There are, literally, hundreds of sites out there and you should be able to find something perfect for you with a little homework.


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to willowoman43)
Profile   Post #: 20
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