RE: Dismissed (Full Version)

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gingersnap7789 -> RE: Dismissed (1/20/2006 5:30:22 PM)

Hi blushingberry,

It sounds as if you've come to the boards for some moral support and maybe a little comfort. There's nothing whiny or pouty about that. It's tough when a relationship ends, and, yes sometimes, in some cases, it's tougher when you have given yourself completely to someone. Hang in there. Everything gets better with time.

Good Luck,
ginger



doubleLeo -> RE: Dismissed (1/20/2006 5:40:54 PM)

Also, any relationship that is suddenly "cut short" is a sudden shock- vanilla, or whatever.
As far as intensity, it would depend on the intimacy of the ones involved. This intimacy could be found mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually etc.. more in some ways than others.
Is D/s a general norm in US? I would say 'no' ..maybe I am wrong :-) So, someone who is exploring a "less traveled road" may have a more limited amount of avenues for support or understanding around them after shock, hence seeming that it would be more of a shock than a vanilla..not sure..
dL



subiekitty -> RE: Dismissed (1/20/2006 11:47:04 PM)

i have twice been in relationships where i was set free again with little to no real warning.

my situation is far from standard even for D/s relationships. The first collapsed because of the fact i am transgender. The one i served (in totaly non-sexual ways) thought that he could ignore any desire for a sexual side in our interaction. He told me more then once for personal and emotion issues i was enough a girl to him. Only the fact that i was far from having my surgery prevented me from being a girl in the bedroom in his mind.

In time i let myself embrace my submisison to him, to serve him and see him as Master. But in time he decided he could not continue to accept me and released my rather suddenly one night. i went from growing ever more comfotable and fullfilled by opening myself to him, by having a place my slave nature can be expressed without fear or so i thought.

It took over an hour to pull myself off the floor from crying. Its not that the relationship was all too intense, as i would see it now. But it was one of my first chances to be all that i am. And to have that taken away to have to shelter and hide my submissive nature to protect it again was hard to bear. i was no longer all of me, i was no longer alowed to be whole because i no longer belonged to anyone.

Not to long later another took me as his own. He was bi and had no problem with the disparity between my innter female (which i should have the surgery schedualed in a couple months now) and outer male, i served him for many months even living together. But in time despite all i did to try and be pleasing, it was also doomed. He eventulay freed me becuase he confesed he did it because he saw how much more happy and alive i became under someones collar and ownership, not becasue he wanted a slave. Again i was devistated.


Neither time was it discussed beforehand. i was mearly released. Both times i took over an hour to drag myself from crying on the floor. Both times i took a while before i felt comfortable in daily life at all, even the holow comfort i had become used to with no one to serve.

i can't say i can offer much advice on how to handle it well. i was cruched i dont think i am actuly meant to be a free uncollard nonslave person. i tried to find comfort in novels, and serving some online. It took a while for the pain to heal enough to try but i discovered the scars lingered and impared my ability to let go and serve the one i do now. One who has stood by me through 3 years of pain when i could not touch my own inner nature.

All this is meant to show that the extreme pain is not strange, not wrong. In time though it will heal, and when you find the right one to belong to it will help you understand yourself, help you reach deeper in yourself. But it must heal first.

I'm sorry i cant tell you how to make recovery easier. For me it was hard. Now though i can look back and feel that it made me aware i have the strength to stand on my own if i have to, and that is something that perhaps as a slave is even more important that as a normal vanilla person.



lilliebitch -> RE: Dismissed (1/21/2006 3:45:41 AM)

quote:

Has anyone ever been with a Dom/Master for a certain amount of time and then suddenly been told that she is let go...out of her contract...no longer needed? If so I would be interested in knowing how the person dealt with this physically and mentally. Were you given a reason as why you were being "let go"? Did you both discuss it before you parted ways? Sorry if there are too many questions, just trying to get them all in one post instead of separate posts...thanks to all who respond.


i didnt think that she was saying she had been released MHOO314
maybe im wrong "shrugs"



Jewelry -> RE: Dismissed (1/21/2006 5:21:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
I was speaking of my own experience. IMO a D/s relationship is more intense than any vanilla relationship that *I* have had. I dont expect anyone to agree with me, but that is how I feel and that is what I posted. I am not a big believer in "Universal" beliefs, so I wouldnt presume to speak for anyone else on these boards. So when I make comments like the one quoted above, it is based on my own opinion, I didnt think it was necessary to point out that I was only speaking about how *I* feel.


Well I agree with you! It is more intense. Or in the very least - different. In vanilla relationships you share you life with one another. This is different from truly submitting your body and soul to another. Heartbreak is just one aspect. The fact that you still felt a deep responsibility for your sub after the breakup speaks miles of your character. I would hope someday to find someone who truly understood me like that. Take care.




MHOO314 -> RE: Dismissed (1/21/2006 5:34:46 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lilliebitch

quote:

Has anyone ever been with a Dom/Master for a certain amount of time and then suddenly been told that she is let go...out of her contract...no longer needed? If so I would be interested in knowing how the person dealt with this physically and mentally. Were you given a reason as why you were being "let go"? Did you both discuss it before you parted ways? Sorry if there are too many questions, just trying to get them all in one post instead of separate posts...thanks to all who respond.


i didnt think that she was saying she had been released MHOO314
maybe im wrong "shrugs"



well what would you call, "let go, out of her contract, no longer needed" In My world that is released...



TexasMaam -> RE: Dismissed (1/21/2006 10:05:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mons

oh my this is hard, i think that when a submissive, slave whom ever is let go it is so different then a vallina realtionship i am wrong or does everyone who is a dominant see they really depend on us for love protect and many things. i am not saying they are weaker then others but just like i love mysubmissive they we love stronger they others much stronger we have trust that is the most important bond we have first and formost so i say it is much worse to get over faster and for the person who did that wow so wrong so very wrong


mons aka jane


I agree, jane. Releasing, or dismissing a sub, or a sub being discharged from their Dom/Domme is much more difficult. I believe the psychological and emotional ranges experienced in this lifestyle are so much more complex than those in vanilla relationships. Yikes!

It's so hard to find a compatible BDSM partner at all, much less one where your heart can and does get involved. Losing that connection can make it seem so impossible to believe you'll ever find a BDSM partner again. It's that hopelessness, along with the grief, that is so overwhelming.

Been there, done that. Glad I made it through!

TM



subiekitty -> RE: Dismissed (1/21/2006 9:38:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

I agree, jane. Releasing, or dismissing a sub, or a sub being discharged from their Dom/Domme is much more difficult. I believe the psychological and emotional ranges experienced in this lifestyle are so much more complex than those in vanilla relationships. Yikes!



i think you're right, and probly becasue for so many our submisison is so core to our being, and brings with it such incredible vulnerability. We can't let this out most of the time in the normal world at least not very far without havign our hearts torn to shreds by people who don't appreciate the fragile and wonderfull thing they play with in a subbs heart.

So when we find a Dom/me or Master who we can feel safe letting this part of ourselves be exposed its much more intense then a normal vinilla relation ship in many ways, becuase it is the chance to trully be who we are without fear.

Dropping a sub or dissmisisng her/him suddenly is a a greater betreyal than a vinilla break up because they are removing the venue the sub has to express her true being. Forcing her to hid befind emotional walls just to survive again.

As always just my opinion



maverick01uk -> RE: Dismissed (1/23/2006 5:42:38 AM)

Blushing,i know how you feel.
i was released last November, nothing secret,done very caringly.
i'm still messed up. Sure for some people a D/s break up might not be more severe but for others it certainly is.
As for "You're Fired", someone pleased him more!

Life is full of competition....except it and excel!
Thats how i used to feel till it happened to me.
A vanilla break up never felt like this for me.
Just hope that doesn't come back to slap You like it did me.




maybemaybenot -> RE: Dismissed (1/23/2006 2:22:35 PM)

I find it sad that some people believe they can quantify another persons feelings, losses and disappointments. I also believe it arrogant to believe that your own feelings carry more weight than anothers. Loss is loss, and for the party going thru it, it sucks. As individuals we all hadle it differently, some better, some worse, some sooner, some later, some never. My Dominant of 12 years died suddenly in 2000, my best vanilla friends husband died a few years prior to that. I would be ashamed of myself to think my pain greater than hers, simply because we had a different dynamic to our relationship.

That is one theme I see in some circles of the lifestyle that I just don't understand.
Seems very elitist, IMHO

mbmbn



champagnewishes -> RE: Dismissed (1/23/2006 6:44:27 PM)

I've been released, I've been divorced after a 14 year vanilla marriage with two kids and I have left a few relationships...They all hurt in different ways and for different reasons. Was one more painful than the other? Probably depending on which way I choose to see them. Bottom line is it hurts....it sucks....but we all find a way to come out the other side and if we are really lucky we learned some lesson by having done so. Doesn't make the next break up any easier though.

I am empathetic to your feelings...at times like this there is unfortunately not a lot anyone can do to ease the pain...they can only provide brief moments that allow you to feel less pain.



slavekyle -> RE: Dismissed (1/23/2006 7:06:03 PM)

This is about the hardest thing any sub ever has to face. my first Domina dismissed me due to Her moving/relocating to Houston because of Her job. Two other Dominas have done the same, one because Her daughter was slowly beginning to realize what sort of a relationship was going on. The other was my Domina releasing me when my parents began contacting me while i was in slavery and begging me to come back to Ohio. She knew i needed to reconcile with family and wanted to give me that chance by setting me free to go back to Ohio and make up with them as well as to make amends to two Dominas that i hurt prior to my leaving for Florida a year previous to first becoming enslaved down there.

It hurts! you feel like a failure, even when there is no fault of your own. But this is the state of the Lifestyle ... the Dominant has total control and the slave has very little say in anything.



MistressW -> RE: Dismissed (2/11/2006 9:11:32 PM)

I was married for 22 yrs and it was a shock to me in the vanilla world when my ex and I split he is mentally ill and is not the same person I married so I been hurt and I grieved for the man I loved I hate to think what it must do to someone in a D/s relationship I actually know how it affects submissives as my own subbie is going through it as he was released not so long ago and my heart goes out to him, I am there for him all the time to support him, listen to him, and even cry for him as he is hurting so badly as he truely gave so much to his relationship with his ex Mistress. as in a vanilla relationship a D/s one in my eyes is more intense. feelings, emotions, trust is deeper u become aware of who u are more and you grow together as one therefore emotions cannot be stopped - it also must hurt the Dom/me too - to let u go in some instances.

It does get better in time but it hurts emotionally u can't concentrate u feel dead, not wanted, guilty, but time is a great healer and unfortunately life goes on and I thank my network of friends that helped me recover and live again as I wouldnt have been here today without them and my children. If u can find another Dom/me who has the time and mental ability to help and guide u through to feel wanted again, to stop the feelings of guilt, failure, uselessness just help as much as they can but in the end its like vanilla relationships it takes time to heal. U are hurting u want to shout, cry, scream well do it if it makes u feel better no rules.

If u crave for this lifestyle maybe another relationship is the answer but take it slow and of course u will distance urself as u are human and build up walls although I am a new domme I have also been hurt recently but in the vanilla world I just hope my D/s relationship can survive but not looking for love only trust, Honesty, respect and compassion my four cornerstones and to enjoy my time with my "precious" a new journey and I never take anyone for granted i give them my time, my understanding and listen and let them cry. Like i do with my new subbie he knows I am there for him and he is open and honest with me we have trust and understanding and he serves me well and I am proud of him and I will make him soar again in time.

"my precious one I am here for u"
[/size]



brightspot -> RE: Dismissed (2/11/2006 9:34:22 PM)

quote:

I absolutely agree 100%. A D/s relationship is much more intense than a vanilla relationship, so breaking up/being dismissed/setting free (You choose the verbage) is much more painful than any other relationship break up. I have been in both vanilla and D/s and I must say that losing a submissive was one of the hardest things I had gone through in a very long time. The release was not mutual, he had asked for his release. I spent countless nights worrying about him, how he was doing, if he was alright and how could I help him adjust. I didnt stop caring or feeling protective of him simply because he no longer wore my collar. I didnt worry about my nilla break-ups. I could care less if they were ok, mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew that they could take care of themselves. I worried about my released submissive, BECAUSE he is a submissive. I hear my submissive now say all the time he is like a puppy trying to bring a newspaper through the doggy door sideways, he needs instructions. I couldnt imagine leaving him or deserting him. I would feel like I have left a wounded child on the side of the road. I would never feel this way about a vanilla relationship.


Thank you MofG, I needed to hear this from a Domme and I do want to believe it is true.
I think my Ex-Domina struggles even a bit more than she tells me.

*Brightspot



brightspot -> RE: Dismissed (2/11/2006 9:45:34 PM)

quote:

Generally its the same as vanilla deal with in break ups.


I would like to say LuckyA, that I don't think it is the same Generally speaking.
I have read many of your posts and you seem to be a person who stays emotionally distant in your relationships.
Have you ever been involved in an intensely emotional relationship or mainly intensive sexual or power exchange relationships? Because you seem to speak more from the later experience zone.

I think they are experienced very differently. I also think vanilla relationships are built on more day to day interaction as opposed to a disaplined D/s dynamic with intense emotional interaction. Ergo to Wit, not as intense.

*Brightspot



ownedgirlie -> RE: Dismissed (2/11/2006 10:57:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot

quote:

I absolutely agree 100%. A D/s relationship is much more intense than a vanilla relationship, so breaking up/being dismissed/setting free (You choose the verbage) is much more painful than any other relationship break up. I have been in both vanilla and D/s and I must say that losing a submissive was one of the hardest things I had gone through in a very long time. The release was not mutual, he had asked for his release. I spent countless nights worrying about him, how he was doing, if he was alright and how could I help him adjust. I didnt stop caring or feeling protective of him simply because he no longer wore my collar. I didnt worry about my nilla break-ups. I could care less if they were ok, mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew that they could take care of themselves. I worried about my released submissive, BECAUSE he is a submissive. I hear my submissive now say all the time he is like a puppy trying to bring a newspaper through the doggy door sideways, he needs instructions. I couldnt imagine leaving him or deserting him. I would feel like I have left a wounded child on the side of the road. I would never feel this way about a vanilla relationship.


Thank you MofG, I needed to hear this from a Domme and I do want to believe it is true.
I think my Ex-Domina struggles even a bit more than she tells me.

*Brightspot



i agree, and it was nice to see MofG's post as well. A similar thread occured yesterday/today re: the death of a Master/Mistress as well. i don't think anyone is saying it HURTS more than "vanilla". But i wholeheartedly agree with the concept that the dynamic of a slave to her Master is different than the dynamic of a wife to a husband. i was married 17 years. The break up of my marriage was horribly painful. But the relationship i now have with my Master...He is my world. my center. my reason. He is my beacon and my guide. It is my submission to him which makes me strong for the rest of the world. The dynamic is different than it was with my husband. The entire relationship is set up differently. Therefore, God forbid it were to ever end, the break up would be incomparable as far as i am concerned.

Now having said that, i also understand there are varying degrees of dependency in different D/s, M/s scenarios. i would be foolish to think that everyone is the same. i can only speak for an M/s relationship where the slave is wholely dependent on the Master/Mistress. If an owner suddenly cuts things off, especially giving no stated reason, the slave can end up completely lost and feeling devalued.

my Master remained (and still remains) in contact with his former slave. When their relationship as M/s ended, he felt a responsibility to be sure she would be okay, and continues to check in on her and help her through things. i respect him a great deal for doing that. i find it terribly irresponsible for a Master or Mistress to simply release a slave and walk away, particular after training such slave to be so dependent.

~ Tosses a nickle into the cup ~



Evanesce -> RE: Dismissed (2/12/2006 10:27:50 AM)

quote:

Thank you all for your opinons and advice. I didn't mean for this to sound whiny or pouty, i was just curious as to whether others had ever experienced it.


Wasn't whiny at all. I think all of us have, at one time or another, been "let go" by someone we cared about. It hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes it's more a relief than anything else.

Before I met Master, I was involved with someone with whom I had never played. We'd met together publicly, had some of the most intensely personal conversations I'd ever had with anyone. He wrote me some of the most beautiful poetry I'd ever read, called all the time, we shared pictures of our kids, and we designed my collar together. And then, less than 24 hours after he called me to say he'd moved into a new place and given me the new phone number, I got an email from him telling me it was over. I emailed him back and said a letter was unacceptable, that I'd be home in 20 minutes and he needed to call me because I wanted to hear him say he did not love me. He couldn't say it. I think, when he called, that he cried more than I did. I was head over heels in love with this man (he's the only one who has ever had that effect on me), but he was married. He was leaving his wife. But, ultimately, his guilt at having left his first wife and the fact that he regretted not raising his son full time would not allow him to walk away from the wife he did not love, because they had a daughter together and he could not bear the thought of not seeing that little girl grow up. I was devastated, and it took months for me to get over him. In fact, I was still grieving that loss when I met Master. He and I spoke a few times after that, and he sent me a poem filled with pain and anguish over what he had lost when, one day, he called my house and I told him that I missed his call because I was at a first meet with the man who would become my Master.

Sometimes I still worry about him because, even though he was Dom, I feel in many ways that he was much more vulnerable than I. It's been about four years since we spoke, though.



beautifuldoglove -> RE: Dismissed (2/12/2006 3:02:51 PM)

i totally understand how you feel. Similar experience here... i think *scratches head*. No reason and no communication afterwards, but what can you do, you can't force another person to behave respectfully toward you. after the crying was over and i dusted myself off, i started to come to the terms with the realization (with the help of this forum) that my dom had not been what he had professed to be.
the biggest problem i saw come out of the experience was the sense of failure and what did i do wrong and more and more the anger at what he did. if you'd done anything wrong...he/she would have told you...or should have, but that knowledge does little to staunch the flow of the feeling of failure.
so i grabbed my little self-help book about self esteem...and a note book. i started making lists of my assets and liabilities...i add to the list every day on the asset side...and cross out the liabilities as they dim in my sight. i made lists of what i love about me and what others love about me and i read the asset and love me list every day sometime twice a day...or when i get to feeling really crummy about myself. an important phrase to me is: My (a negative habit or trait you don't like) is a part of me, but i am NOT (the negative habit or trait). purchase a dry erase board and write encouraging messages on it. FACT: you are special, you are unique, and you are a blessing to many people, some of which you have no idea how they feel about you, don't sell yourself short.
i personally believe if my dom had died...heaven forbid...it would have been easier to handle, because dying is usually not a choice, but leaving is. the pain of the loss would have been the same, but the lingering feeling of failure wouldn't be there. and something like this is hard not to take personal...you just let someone into your life and into areas that no one else or very few others had been allowed.
my dom told me to "bounce", then called to tell me everything was ok, then poof nothing it's been over a week and i've seen him online several times and he knows i'm there. FACT: i didn't bounce...he did. you didn't do the leaving...you are right where he left you. you have choices to make now...so make those choices for yourself...not others and not some dom who doesn't have the respect for you to do what is right. a Dom from this site gave me words of wisdom: It's time for you to do something for you...take care and nurture yourself now.
jumping from one skillet to the other often ends up in burnt feet...wow that was good therapy...lol lol lol
i wish you the best...feel free to e-mail me or site pm me i will always have time to listen and understand and that's what you need right now. and more than anything else KNOW it will be ok...sooner or later...probably later than you would like...but it will be ok.





DragonNphoenix -> RE: Dismissed (2/12/2006 8:17:45 PM)

The worst thing that a Master could do is release their slave with out letting them know why. We have a clause in our contract so that ever arise.

Phoenix



merrynb99 -> RE: Dismissed (2/14/2006 12:57:01 PM)

I have to just say that I am so grateful I came across this forum. I'm a new sub, and have had the most humiliating dismissal from a Dom.

After extended correspondence, and meeting up and signing a contract he sent me, and extensive daily contact while I was overseas (all CLEAR indicators to me that he was definitely not just a "one-nighter") and clear advice from him that he was not looking for commitment or exclusivity, I received an email from him to say he had decided to enter into a commited and exclusive relationship with another sub. It really knocked me over, because he had seemed so genuine. His email seemed filled with guilt and made references to "we agreed this was only a casual thing".

I was devastated. I had come to rely on this man. I had submitted to his every request. In every other sense, he had been a perfect gentleman. And yet he terminated me, just like that, and walked away happy without a second glance.

Those of you who have called such Doms disrespectful are right, I see that now.

And all the words in this forum make me feel at least in some way healed. And not such a fool. And I won't be such a fool next time. I will find a way to find a Dom who deserves me!

Thank you so much



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