Cruel...or effective punishment? (Full Version)

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wideeyedgirl -> Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:31:54 AM)

So...Im looking for some feedback, please. Im recently involved with a Dominant met on this site. Chat/phone progressed to meeting and all was great. Then a serious of work things had him cancel a few times for other meetings and its been a while now since Ive seen him. He doesnt seem to have lost interest - because he acts normal on the phone and text and IM. Well...today I was in a bad mood. I didnt hear from Him on the holidays, I was stressed about uncoming family time and missing him. I attempted to reach out again - asking for a date we could see each other when he got back and...He got mad. I apologized but was trying to upfront that - Im not seeking online./phone, and that meetings and seeing each other was important. He got even madder, cursing at me. Then told me not to call or write til tomorrow - and that he would get in touch. and that i earned a severe punishment for being so negative (and I guess..mentally doubting His intensions...?)

My question is - has the ignoring/cutting off contact been used with others before?  does it...serve the goal? or does it just breed hurt?  Im trying like hell not to question my Dominant but damn this hurts. Its even worse because I was reaching out, had a bad few days and I guess needed some time/attention and I get the opposite.

Or maybe Im just being an idiot and need to stop whining, go do some homework and just wait til He calls and be done with being snarky.....



sirsholly -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:35:27 AM)

quote:

My question is - has the ignoring/cutting off contact been used with others before? does it...serve the goal? or does it just breed hurt


i can only speak for myself. The silent treatment is the best way there is to make me walk away from a relationship.



T1981 -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:39:21 AM)

I could be wrong - I don't know much about the online thing - but I think it's well within your limits to remind him what exactly it is that you are looking for in a polite and well worded manner, especially if you haven't yet collared yourself to him specifically. It sounds like you both are still in the negoiation stages?



wideeyedgirl -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:40:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
i can only speak for myself. The silent treatment is the best way there is to make me walk away from a relationship.




<sigh> me too normally. Hence...I guess why Im really upset. It seems...childish.



wideeyedgirl -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:43:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: T1981

I could be wrong - I don't know much about the online thing - but I think it's well within your limits to remind him what exactly it is that you are looking for in a polite and well worded manner, especially if you haven't yet collared yourself to him specifically. It sounds like you both are still in the negoiation stages?


Well it started online...and has now progressed. I dont think I was polite when I said it this morning tho, maybe even close to whiney. Wasnt rude, but I could have been nicer. But you are correct - no collar, no commitment to one yet. I guess it would be considured the negoiation/beginning states.



SirMIkeSD -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:49:14 AM)

how many times have you meet him in person. Can you call him at anytime or are you given hours when you can call, wondering is he married?



wideeyedgirl -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:53:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

how many times have you meet him in person. Can you call him at anytime or are you given hours when you can call, wondering is he married?




SirMikeSD plllllease get out of my head!

Yes..Im wondering that. But...Im afraid thats simply because my last attempt at this, the Dominant was married and lied.Im trying like heck not to project.  He has never restricted calling, but he very rarely picks up. Text messages are often unanswered. as are emails on CM.

<hides head in hands> When did this get...so hard?



sirsholly -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 11:59:51 AM)

if you did not hear from him during the holidays (when most have time off) that might send up a red flag that he is married.




wideeyedgirl -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 12:03:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

if you did not hear from him during the holidays (when most have time off) that might send up a red flag that he is married.




He was out of town..on business. Supposed to be staying in a hotel. But also said he didnt have work to do that say, so I did think I would hear from Him. and when I didnt at all..it hurt. So yes...sirsholly. Now im wondering if Im just...not believing what I want to believe and ignoring the flags.



mc1234 -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 12:07:39 PM)

Have you asked him if he's married or in a relationship? 

If I were you, I'd stop being upset that this new guy yelled and cursed at you because you were asking when you were going to see him again ... and start being smart about the whole thing. 

Send an email tomorrow, as instructed, asking if he's married, and explain also the parameters for a relationship that you need to be happy - how often you need to see him, how you need your emails actually answered, etc.  Don't be flip or disrespectful, but be up front and logical.  Hell, you can even apologize for your tone today, if you feel it warrants that.  But if he turns it into an argument and won't answer questions ... you have your answer - either he's married or otherwise committed or doesn't want a serious relationship with you.  Then you can move on, knowing you've done your best.

Anytime I've encountered a response like the one you got today from a dom, it's turned out that my instincts were right on target and something was off. 



SirMIkeSD -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 12:08:19 PM)

He would not be the first out of town on business, and normally the folks that you are working with know this and would invite him over. So it is possible, it all comes back to how many times have you seen him as depending on this, I would think he could at least work in a happy holiday text if nothing else.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 12:13:17 PM)

As a dominant, I would want to know if my sub was having emotional or stress-related issues.  I wouldn't get angry if she called, even if the timing was inconvenient.  I might say I needed to return the call at another time, but I would make sure she understood I wasn't blowing her off.  Quite the opposite; she deserves my undivided attention.  I'd also tell her if I was going to be unavailable for some reason, what that reason is (work, family, etc.), and for how long.  Even then, she'd still have contact info in case of an urgent situation.
 
I don't know all the details of your relationship, but something doesn't add up here.  Cursing at you was inappropriate no matter what the situation.  Assuming you haven't left out a sizable chunk of vital info, in your place, I would walk.



RealSub58 -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 12:45:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

if you did not hear from him during the holidays (when most have time off) that might send up a red flag that he is married.




He was out of town..on business. Supposed to be staying in a  hotel. But also said he didnt have work to do that say, so I did think I would hear from Him. and when I didnt at all..it hurt. So yes...sirsholly. Now im wondering if Im just...not believing what I want to believe and ignoring the flags.


You REALLY believe that ??  And no text ?? I think you need a reality check or read your own user/screen name !!  [8|] 

editing to add ~  there ARE better fish in the pool of dom's



natasha66 -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 1:05:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

My question is - has the ignoring/cutting off contact been used with others before? does it...serve the goal? or does it just breed hurt


i can only speak for myself. The silent treatment is the best way there is to make me walk away from a relationship.


More than two or three days of no contact (and no reason being given for it), and i would kick his ass to the curb.  Teaching you a lesson?  Yeah, right....



SassySarijane -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 1:24:02 PM)

You know, if warning bells are going off, don't ignore them. I did in the past, not a smart choice. I kind of tend to agree with the poster who mentioned sending him an email asking question such as his marital status, what he wants and expects in a relationship, telling him what you want, need and expect from a relationship, and if he can't or won't give you what you need, there's some incompatibility. If it's not working for you and doesn't look like it will in the future, move on.



sirsholly -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 1:39:11 PM)

WideEyedGirl...i read your profile. You have it going on, girlfriend! You are so obviously bright (A 3.2 gpa is not an easy thing to achieve) and you have the answer you are seeking here. My guess is you had it before you started this thread.

Follow your heart, Sweetie.



bound4more -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 1:53:05 PM)

quote:

Yes..Im wondering that. But...Im afraid thats simply because my last attempt at this, the Dominant was married and lied.Im trying like heck not to project.  He has never restricted calling, but he very rarely picks up. Text messages are often unanswered. as are emails on CM.

<hides head in hands> When did this get...so hard?


Yikes! If it's already this painful, then why seek more - unless, of course, you're a real psychological pain slut. Although the Dominant is in charge, the fact is when you're first getting acquainted it's important that you both have a learning period, a time to find out just how compatible, or not, you are with each other. Every Dominant and sub is different. Some Dominants love to micromanage things; others are the opposite, making their general desires known but wanting the sub to pick up the ball and run with it. The early stages is not a good time for punishment or silence.
 
i remember my first Dom. i was so enamored with him. But the first time i asked him a question he didn't like he dismissed me. i was confused, hurt, angry etc. But, now i know he did me a great favor. He was not the Dom for me. So don't be too anxious to please a Dominant. There are many out there and you will find one you blend with, rather than try so hard to please someone who is already creating painful memories.



kyraofMists -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 3:47:52 PM)

Ignoring or cutting off contact is one type of tool.  Like any tool, if used appropriately and effectively it will accomplish what you want.  If used incorrectly, it could screw things up.

In the past, if I have behaved inappropriately and/or had a bad attitude and I did not correct it when given warnings that I was crossing the line, he would cut off contact.  He would tell me he didn't want to talk to me until I changed my attitude and behavior.  I think that last time he did that, the time lasted about 5 minutes.  However, the duration was completely within my power to control.  As soon as I started behaving appropriately he would continue interacting with me.

To me, punishment is only effective if it changes the unwanted behavior.  Only you and him can answer whether this is effective or not.

Knight's Kyra



KatyLied -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 3:56:48 PM)

I've been on the receiving end of the "no contact" punishment, but it was within an already established relationship where I did not fear abandonment, plus I understood that it would be of short duration.

I think you have a bigger issue than the no contact punishment.  If a man is interested and wants to pursue a relationship with you, and is unimpeded by other things (such as a wife or other relationship), he will maintain contact with you.  Otherwise you are safe to assume that you probably are not his first priority.  This frees you, in turn, to stop making him your first priority.  At least this is how it would play out in my world.



NuevaVida -> RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? (12/27/2008 3:58:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

My question is - has the ignoring/cutting off contact been used with others before? does it...serve the goal? or does it just breed hurt


i can only speak for myself. The silent treatment is the best way there is to make me walk away from a relationship.



I am similar.  Because of my history with silent treatments, they have become very effective in causing me to close up and withdraw.  Cutting me off is the best way to distance me emotionally from someone.  Since my former owner's goal was to draw me nearer and not push me away, he did not employ this tool.

Different people respond differently to being cut off.  I'm sure for some people it is a perfect tool.  I'm not one of those people.



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