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newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:05:02 PM   
lizardu2


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2008
Status: offline 		hello! i have recently discovered bdsm thru a freind who is currently training me in the lifestyle. i've been curious for years but didn't know what to do/where to start. it seems i've been pretty repressed and am quite inexperienced sexually! my freind has suggested to me that i contact other submissives for advice and support. so far this has been soooo liberating for me, to finally name that elusive desire that has plagued me forever....but i'm also really scared at the same time. i have a past history of being attracted to abusive men. this led me to just not dating at all for several years as i determined that 'normal' men were not at all attractive to me and it was better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. my dom(that sounds so weird to me, yet wonderful!) so far seems to be very honest and kind. he told me right off the bat that he is polyamorous and that is completely new to me. guess i've been quite sheltered lol. i'm not sure about my feelings regarding polyamory yet. i'm worried i'll be jealous and create a problem when this comes up, which eventually it will. in theory it sounds ok to me but i have this horrible competitive streak....so now i'm worrying about this before it even comes up...and i haven't told him this yet. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:18:03 PM   
bdaile


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		Talk to him. I know a lot of people who are very happy in polyamory...I also know I could never do it. If you're already worried about being jealous, then chances are you're less okay with it than you say. Either way, the best thing to do is sit down and have an open, honest conversation with him.

_____________________________

~brittany~

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:25:01 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		So is he a friend mentoring you or is he a dom trying to own/fuck you? Or are they too different people? Honestly, I would suggest not having a dom/relationship at all until you learn more about BDSM and yourself. A mentor is fine, but not the type trying to "help" you while trying to own you and get in your pants. Unless you want that. *shrugs*

(in reply to bdaile)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:25:12 PM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		As a rule I do not do true poly were love or intimacy is involved.I am always Alpha sub  and if we bring in a third for play Daddy does not have sex with her...she would be for my use... and we would never let an outsider live in our home.I do not practice true poly because it brings drama  and I rarely have seen a poly relationship that there is not some underlying jealousy issues.I do not swing for the same reasons and swinging is just poly without the love and intimacy.I would avoid a poly Dominant and sometimes Dominants say poly just so they can cheat and get extra pussy.

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:31:22 PM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Hello
I have several questions that you might consider:
1. Who is "training" you in the lifestyle and what the training consists of?
2. How do you relate "abuse" to BDSM? Would you say the two terms are interchangeable?
3. What has made you overcome the initial caution? You said that anything is better than living in an abusive relationship ("...that elusive desire that plagued me forever...")
4. How have you met your Dom? Why do you consider your Dom is not proper to training you?
5. Have you discussed the issue with living in a polyamorous relation with your Dom? If so and in case He is not willing to renounce at it, have you considered living him and finding somebody who will be yours and yours only?
I'm asking all of these, as I suspect that the hunger which has been consuming you for years has made you launch head front in a lifestyle that potentially you are not ready for yet. It might be worthwhile to ponder carefully every option you have and choose those that work best for you - you come first, always! Keep this in mind - if you do not become fulfilled in this lifestyle, it is all for nothing - a great waste.
Take good care of you!

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 6:40:56 PM   
swan70


Posts: 47
Joined: 11/25/2008
Status: offline

You covered a lot of ground in that post.  Let me just share about MY experiences. 
I came out of an abusive relationship.  Part of why i end up with abusive men is that i NEED to please people.  I also like to give up control.  Put those two truths about me together--and i'm an abuse magnet!  When i first started looking into bdsm--i found a lot of insight on www.submissiveloving.com   i understand the freeing part.  i can be MYSELF within this lifestyle.  FOR ME--being able to vocalize who i am at my core--has been the key to leaving abusers behind me.

my Master is wonderful--and doesn't have an abusive bone in his body.   And--W/we are poly.   i feel jealous occasionally--usually when He is with a sub--and i am lonely.  i don't bury it or try to hide it or deny it.  Those are unrealistic ways of dealing with emotions-IMHO.  i DO try to do other things than focus on it.  i DO try to remember how much that sub might be needing that time.  i DO realize that jealousy is a good thing!  it means that i care deeply for my Master--or that i really enjoy the time i spend with Him.  Usually--one of those things works to end my jealousy.  i also talk about that feeling with Him. 

A word of caution--abusive people can be in the lifestyle just as much as in the vanilla world.  i've run into a few.  when they cross the line--i leave.  But--i don't assume that every Dom/me is abusive.  Many are not.  And--i've found that the bdsm community TALKS about the issue a lot.  That keeps ME in a healthier place.


(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 7:13:14 PM   
lizardu2


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2008
Status: offline 		in answer to your suggested questions:
1. i am being trained by my freind, who i guess would be referred to as my dom
2. i don't think bdsm is inherently abusive but the potential is there for an abusive relationship to develop if i was involved with an abusive person. my concerns are for potential psychological abuse rather than physical abuse. i have always been attracted to men who are domineering but lack respect for me as a human being. what i want is a man who is domineering but respects me as a human being. thus far i seem to have that but i'm still leery as i've known some men who don't show what monsters they are until i've known them for a long time. so far all has been respectful....but a part of me is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
3. my initial caution was overcome by discussing the difference between abuse and bdsm, which to me means i give consent and am not being manipulated or forced by someone who does not have good intentions.
4. my dom is a man who i was initially just freinds with and we had a mutual attraction that developed into a dating relationship and then a bdsm relationship. i'm not sure what you mean by improper training? currently i don't have a problem with how things are progressing in that area.
5. no, i haven't discussed this with him yet. i'm still sorting out how i feel about it, and i don't like to discuss things until i've mulled them over and am definitely sure what my feelings and questions are regarding a particular subject. when i'm done with my mulling over process i will absolutely bring it up with him. if i find that i'm unable to tolerate polyamory then i can and will end our relationship and seek a new partner. the thought of doing so saddens me and i hope that doesn't have to occur! but having been in relationships that made me feel bad i WILL NOT EVER allow myself to be placed in a postiton that i am uncomfortable with EVER AGAIN(sorry for yelling, i feel very strongly on that subject lol). i spent time alone and am capable of doing so again. no, i won't like it but it won't kill me lol.
thanks for the questions you've presented me with. it's given me some things to think about ;)

(in reply to utopicus)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/28/2008 8:14:45 PM   
lizardu2


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2008
Status: offline 		how did you initially become involved with polyamory? was it a mutual decision or something already practiced by your partner? does he have longterm or shortterm relationships with others? i have LOTS of questions lol. you're description of how jealousy is actually *good* for you really surprised me. i've always been told that jealousy is a sign of insecurity. it has never occurred to me to look at it from a different viewpoint. when he first told me he was poly it was before we were in a relationship, and when we became involved i told him it didn't bother me as long as i'm #1(competitive streak!). now that our relationship has deepened i'm not so sure it wouldn't bother me....will check out the website. thanks!

(in reply to swan70)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/29/2008 6:10:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A mentor is someone you talk things over with, use as a sounding board. This guy just wants another girly to play with. Which is fine if that's what you want. Is it? Do you want to be one of many? Do you want to be the one and only? Because if so then throw this one back and look for a more compatible fish.

By the way, unless you've met and are in a relationship with everyone, this isn't poly. It's just him tomcatting around. Have you met his wife/girlfriend?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/29/2008 11:26:30 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizardu2

hello! i have recently discovered bdsm thru a freind who is currently training me in the lifestyle. i've been curious for years but didn't know what to do/where to start. it seems i've been pretty repressed and am quite inexperienced sexually! my freind has suggested to me that i contact other submissives for advice and support. so far this has been soooo liberating for me, to finally name that elusive desire that has plagued me forever....but i'm also really scared at the same time. i have a past history of being attracted to abusive men. this led me to just not dating at all for several years as i determined that 'normal' men were not at all attractive to me and it was better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. my dom(that sounds so weird to me, yet wonderful!) so far seems to be very honest and kind. he told me right off the bat that he is polyamorous and that is completely new to me. guess i've been quite sheltered lol. i'm not sure about my feelings regarding polyamory yet. i'm worried i'll be jealous and create a problem when this comes up, which eventually it will. in theory it sounds ok to me but i have this horrible competitive streak....so now i'm worrying about this before it even comes up...and i haven't told him this yet. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

All due respect to your dom but anyone seeking to introduce someone as new as you to the lifestyle through poly anything is NOT your friend and definitely isn't looking out for *your* best interests!  The guy is looking to fuck around and blame you if you're not ok about it - and you don't sound like you would be....  This is definitely what's referred to as a "red flag" in the lifestyle - a warning sign.

I've been around long enough to always be dubious about poly relationships, even though some apparently are happy with such arrangements.  But I'm waaaaay to sceptical to believe everyone is in any of them - just my opinion.  Starting a "first day newbie" off with a poly concept?  Sorry, this guy's a predator who doesn't see the real you; bottom line!
 
I could really do a number here but since you didn't actually seek a Dom's advice, I'll leave it there.  But welcome nonetheless - Forums or Msg Boards are THE place to seek lifestyle answers from people not looking to manipulate or take advantage of you.  Just ignore the inevitable arseholes....  lol & :-)
 
Focus. 

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/29/2008 6:22:20 PM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		I agree ,poly and swinging are disastrous to a couple and only brings drama.I have seen many relationships crumble because the woman could not handle the jealousy that comes from it.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/29/2008 10:23:08 PM   
lizardu2


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2008
Status: offline 		ugh. no, i don't want to be one of many. nope.

he's not married or attached, i've spent time with him at his house with his roomate.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/29/2008 10:40:45 PM   
lizardu2


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2008
Status: offline 		thank you for giving me a dom perspective on this. it seems i've been duped by both myself and my not so much of a freind. the whole concept of poly brings up a lot of mixed feelings. and initially the whole bdsm idea seemed very comfortable to me. in retrospect, i guess my ambiguous feelings should have been a clue. i feel tremendously stupid right now. *sigh* well, at least some good can come out of this-my intro to a life style that suits me much better, and me learning that i am definitely into mutual monogamy! think i'll peruse the boards more to get a better idea of what a quality dom is like, because that is definitely what i'll be wanting down the road.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/30/2008 9:55:22 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizardu2

thank you for giving me a dom perspective on this. it seems i've been duped by both myself and my not so much of a freind. the whole concept of poly brings up a lot of mixed feelings. and initially the whole bdsm idea seemed very comfortable to me. in retrospect, i guess my ambiguous feelings should have been a clue. i feel tremendously stupid right now. *sigh* well, at least some good can come out of this-my intro to a life style that suits me much better, and me learning that i am definitely into mutual monogamy! think i'll peruse the boards more to get a better idea of what a quality dom is like, because that is definitely what i'll be wanting down the road.

There it is, right there - the best advice anyone will ever give you is to ALWAYS trust your own instincts, esp when you otherwise lack knowledge or experience when dealing with strangers.  The ole "if it looks, walks and quacks like a duck; it's most likely a duck" was never so true....
 
And it's ok to feel a bit silly about yourself right now - there are far worse feelings if you ignore your own warning alarms (instincts).  The "feeling stupid" means a valuable lesson is being written into the "hard drive" of your own mind - tis the gathering of experience.  :-) 
 
Good luck in future but the next lesson will probably be that, for most, finding a compatible partner to share the lifestyle with is the most difficult and exasperating experience of all....
 
Focus. 

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/30/2008 4:48:31 PM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		  Agree, most humans can't do poly very well for very long.
As to attracting abusive men, easy to understand how that might happen to a submissive.  Discard them.  There are plenty of Doms in the lifestyle willing to use you but are capable of doing it out of seeking mutual fulfillment rather than out of anger.  Keep rolling 'til you find a real one.


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/30/2008 5:29:27 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome! As a rather newbie who is an older age than most newbies, I will give any newbie one bit of advice. Go SLOWLY. Read MUCH, Ask MANY Questions, Find an UNDERSTANDING Dom/me, and Don't think your opinion doesn't matter. It matters a lot! If something feels ICKY? It is icky for you! May not be icky for me or for another 1000 submissive but it's wrong for you.

Enjoy your journey and remember the journey is the real destination...

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to MrDevlin)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 12/31/2008 11:49:05 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizardu2

but having been in relationships that made me feel bad i WILL NOT EVER allow myself to be placed in a postiton that i am uncomfortable with EVER AGAIN(sorry for yelling, i feel very strongly on that subject lol).



But you have allowed yourself to be sucked into the type of relationships you vow you will never get into again.   Focus is correct.   Usually "doms" who like to use you mentally and physically while they mentor and train and then bring up swinging and poly are just mere players.  Men who like to use someone to wipe their ass and move along. LEARN ....   pick up books, read websites and for God sake don't believe every man who has a "3rd leg."Men with 2 legs have much stronger shoulders to carry a brain that thinks appropriately.

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 1/1/2009 2:48:52 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizardu2

hello! i have recently discovered bdsm thru a freind who is currently training me in the lifestyle. i've been curious for years but didn't know what to do/where to start. it seems i've been pretty repressed and am quite inexperienced sexually! my freind has suggested to me that i contact other submissives for advice and support. so far this has been soooo liberating for me, to finally name that elusive desire that has plagued me forever....but i'm also really scared at the same time. i have a past history of being attracted to abusive men. this led me to just not dating at all for several years as i determined that 'normal' men were not at all attractive to me and it was better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. my dom(that sounds so weird to me, yet wonderful!) so far seems to be very honest and kind. he told me right off the bat that he is polyamorous and that is completely new to me. guess i've been quite sheltered lol. i'm not sure about my feelings regarding polyamory yet. i'm worried i'll be jealous and create a problem when this comes up, which eventually it will. in theory it sounds ok to me but i have this horrible competitive streak....so now i'm worrying about this before it even comes up...and i haven't told him this yet. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!


lizardu2

girl, being new and timid is almost natural for newcomers. had I known you prior, my suggestion would have been to lay low, read the boards, learn learn and then learn some more; but you went an d took on a dom already so he is your guiding light for as long as it lasts.

CP

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 1/1/2009 5:56:03 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		First, when reading people's opinions here realize that they are posting with very limited knowledge of your situation and then filter it with your own judgment to see if it fits for you.

Being involved in BDSM activities is not necessarily the same thing as submitting.  What do you think a dominant and submissive are? 

Someone who is training you (and realize that many people here cannot stand that terminology or practice and will give you opinions on it based on their prejudices regarding it) is not necessarily your dominant.  I think it was great advice that they gave you to talk with other submissives.  Seeking support from different people is a good thing and ask them all the same questions.  Read this board long enough and you will find that there are many different answers to the same question, none are necessarily wrong, but some may be wrong for you.  Take what fits for you and discard the rest.

In regards to poly, there is a poly section that is not quite as active as the others but there is some great advice there.  It may be a good idea to read as much as you can in that section.

About four years ago, I discovered that people actually lived their lives like this and I met the person I am currently in a relationship with.  I considered him my mentor for several months.  He answered my questions, encouraged me to seek out others to ask the same questions and to expand my knowledge.  He encouraged me to go out into my local community and meet others that enjoyed the things I was interested in.  He also had two other girls at the same time and like you I had never heard the term poly before.  Over time we fell in love with each other.  Fast forward and I have been his slave for almost four years and I am incredibly happy.  I moved from the US to Canada over a year ago and the three of us have been living together since there.  Life in the same house is so easy and the three of us have never been happier.

Did I have misgivings in the beginning about being in a poly relationship?  You bet; I think that is completely normal and I don't think it should stop you from continuing to explore.

Knight's Kyra

*edited to fix word choice... must have coffee before posting anymore


< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 1/1/2009 6:13:20 AM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: newbie seeking general advice - 1/1/2009 7:27:14 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizardu2
hello! i have recently discovered bdsm thru a freind who is currently training me in the lifestyle.


What do you mean by training?  What does training actually envolve?

quote:


i've been curious for years but didn't know what to do/where to start. it seems i've been pretty repressed and am quite inexperienced sexually!


Don't allow your inexperience for being an excuse to be reckless... or stop you from using "Common Sense"

quote:


my freind has suggested to me that i contact other submissives for advice and support.


this is great advice... I would also suggest that such advice and support can come from anyone not just submissives.  However, keep in mind that people will give advice and support based on there own agenda's and prejudices which maybe very much against what is actually in your best interests.   For example... many are being very derogatory towards your friend and his intentions.  They indeed might be right... But there is equally and maybe even a greater possibility that they are very wrong.  Fact is.. there is nothing you have shared that can give any conclusive judgement of this situation.  Only YOU can make a judgement if your current sitaution is good for you.  A situation that you are happily learning and NOT feeling manipulated! 

quote:


so far this has been soooo liberating for me, to finally name that elusive desire that has plagued me forever....but i'm also really scared at the same time. i have a past history of being attracted to abusive men.


so.. why do you think you have made those decisions to be involved with abusive men?  What do you consider abusive men?  What is different NOW!?


quote:


this led me to just not dating at all for several years as i determined that 'normal' men were not at all attractive to me and it was better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. my dom(that sounds so weird to me, yet wonderful!) so far seems to be very honest and kind.


Honesty and Kindness are indeed positive traits to have.   Just because someone is in this lifestyle don'ts make them any less capable to be abusive.. in fact... I would say the risk is greater and so is the emotional damage that can occur.

quote:


he told me right off the bat that he is polyamorous and that is completely new to me. guess i've been quite sheltered lol. i'm not sure about my feelings regarding polyamory yet. i'm worried i'll be jealous and create a problem when this comes up, which eventually it will. in theory it sounds ok to me but i have this horrible competitive streak....so now i'm worrying about this before it even comes up...and i haven't told him this yet. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!


communicate honestly your feelings.   With the right guidance and the desire on your part to make it work.. you can indeed overcome those issues.  I just have to look at my Kyra when I see that kind of success.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to lizardu2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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