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RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:22:47 AM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

My fragility has helped him grow in his own communication styles and learning which tool is best to get the job done.  When we first met, his favored style was what I affectionately call the hammer.  He would just pound his opinion home and just bulldoze over any objections.  This was the source of much pain and many tears that I had in the beginning.  Now he uses different ways to communicate and he finds it much more effective with me and with others.



One of the joys of having Kyra in my life was the fullfillment I gained by learning and succeeding in developing new tools and skills in dominating this wonderful girl.  For years, I developed a certain skill set that was appropriate and specific for Alandra.  Much of these skills have crossed over to useful with Kyra but not all and I had to learn.  The additional positive is that much of what I learned crossed over to be useful for Alandra as well.  As I became better with Kyra... I also improved with Alandra in the skills I was developing.

There is no question that Alandra and Kyra have very different emotional temperments.  As such it was very important that I appreciated the differences and develop skills that was the most effective in bring the results I desired.  However, Even though I affect both of them.. It doesn't remove their responsibility of there choices of behavior from the feelings that they feel.  I am uncompromising on this issue!  REGARDLESS of how one feels... we still choose our actions and we are responsible for that choice.. not the person that affected how we feel. 

I suppose it is a question of how a person looks at emotional fraility or tenderheartedness.  Myself... It was an opportunity to become a better me and not a burden that I had to contend with and wanted to change.  I am not interested in Kyra becoming less frail emotionally or less tenderhearted.  It one of the reasons of her that I am a better person today than I was before I meet her.  It is a fullfilling challenge to maintain and exercise authority with this woman.   Her submissive nature has never been in doubt for me nor did I ever feel that her tenderhearted nature was affecting who had the authority.  My decisions of what was best or wanted didn't change becuase of her emotional fraility... it only changed how I choose to excuted my will to get the results I wanted.  But in the end...  I get what I want.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:23:14 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I was posting on another thread. One where the OP was upset by certain posters and what was said. I posted alot about being the keeper of your own emotional response then I added this post...

"Here is one thing I believe is important to being a submissive/slave. You may have a power exchange but you do not give up your personal power. I believe Dom/me's want a sub/slave with character and strength and yes, inner power. They dont seek one that is going to be crushed from one harsh word. They want one who will learn and rise above. If a harsh word is spoken as a submissive i need to express that I was hurt and forgive graciously, but in some ways I need to take it on the chin and rise above it showing stubborn determination to become better because of it. I don't think a Mistress or Master is looking for a weak willed flower that is easily crushed. Be submissive but never loose self determination and strength and the ability to "take it".

If one cant" take it", perhaps submission is too hard. "


So this has lead me to wonder if Dominants think this is true or is there other things they look for?
What are the character traits that you seek in a submissive/slave?


I'm going to disagree with this, luscious.  I used to take a verbal/emotional whooping like no other (matter of speech) but I am in a much different place now, where harsh words hurt me and getting berated by someone I feel submissive to has me hurt and slinking away.  I don't consider myself a weak and wilted flower, in fact, I'm one of the strongest people I know.  But some tender spots have been carved out over time.  This doesn't mean I won't take it or that I won't acknowledge he is right, it just means there will be more clean up than if I had been handled differently.

Your comment "perhaps submission is too hard" seems unfair to me.  Everyone handles hurts differently.  To tell someone they're not strong enough to be the person they wish to be...I dunno, luscious, that doesn't seem very helpful. 
The man I've been seeing recognizes this sensitive side of me as part of the whole, bigger picture of me.  It is up to him to decide if he wants me in his world, flaws and sensitivities and all, it is not up to him to decide if I should be submissive in my life or not.  It happens that he doesn't raise his voice and he doesn't dole harsh words.  That works well for me and brings out my best.  This has nothing to do with submission being "too hard" and everything to do with my boundaries and my compatibility with someone else.



And yet you set up certain guidelines for whom you choose to submit too?? You take responsibility for your choices? I dont really think I was intending my words quite in the way you took them. I do agree with what you say. I am a tender hearted person too. I may even cry my eyes out over what is said. I then look at the lesson. Sometimes no matter how nicely something is delivered it can still hurt. Yet, there is a certain responsibility a sub must take in their choices. Also, there are some who make bad choices. There are also some that take any criticism dolled out in any way negatively. Or cant be told that they are doing anything wrong. These are the subs I refer to. Its the defensive over every correction that led me to the statement," Maybe submission is too hard".

I do thank you for a different perspective and shedding light on a side of the story which can go unnoticed. A Dominant should not be abusive nor do they have to be harsh.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:30:44 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Being tenderhearted is also not a characteristic limited to s types. I hate hate HATE, watching on television, seeing in person or hearing about anything that causes harm to a helpless (usually minor) person or animal. I cannot watch movies like that, even those disgusting "donate to our animal welfare cause" commercials that show sad eyed kittens and dogs are terrible. I cannot go to animal shelters without the increased population of my home being at risk.

It is how we handle ourselves with our personal traits that are in fact either a strength or weakness.........at least to me.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:32:28 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It is how we handle ourselves with our personal traits that are in fact either a strength or weakness.........at least to me.



Well said.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:34:28 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


However, Even though I affect both of them.. It doesn't remove their responsibility of there choices of behavior from the feelings that they feel.  I am uncompromising on this issue!  REGARDLESS of how one feels... we still choose our actions and we are responsible for that choice.. not the person that affected how we feel. 



I'm going to disagree with this somewhat. If he told me  I was a worthless piece of shit, and yet still expected that my behavior and actions would continue to give him my emotional vulnerability, my trust, then he would be wrong. Expecting your partner to handle their own emotions and give you everything you want despite you not giving them what they need is wrong. Someone who affects me deliberately negatively is not going to get a positive reaction.

You learned new ways to deal with Kyra because you couldn't demand that she respond positively to your previous method. You did hold yourself responsible for her response to your actions. And that's admirable.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 8:35:57 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I think honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the big ones. (To steal a phrase from Alcoholics Anoymous - who would have thunk THAT?!). I also find humour, and the ability to be comfertable with who you are very impressive in a submissive - while we are submissive to another, we have to remember that they chose us because they like who we are. It's important to never lose sight of that.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 9:03:00 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Expecting your partner to handle their own emotions and give you everything you want despite you not giving them what they need is wrong.


aaaaww no... I don't expect them to give what I want regardless of how I or anyone treats them.  I do however expect them to constructively handle their own emotions and make appropriate choices.  Which is no less of an expectation on me as well.

Just because someone says something that you makes you hate is not an excuse to kill someone.

Just because a partner says something that hurts you is not an immediate excuse to end the relationship.

It is reasonable to consider that partner X is very inconsiderate in what and how he says things to me which continue to cause me alot of pain and therefore I am ending the relationship.  But I don't see it as reasonable to consider partner X said Y and I am ending the relationship.  It's not the behavior or an individuals incident that would be the problem... it's the motivation or lack of character that would doom such a relationship.  We harvest the seeds we sow.

I wanted a wonderful relationship with Kyra.... It was important to me to consider the appropriate behaviors that gave me this result with this woman.   It was my motivation and character that allowed the behaviors to occur that gave me the results I wanted.... a lack of motivation and/or character would of never gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to get the results I wanted.  This is all about my feelings that I was making a choice at fullfilling.  Kyra caused feelings in me..., she affected my tenderheart!  I made choices to maintain those feelings and to even cause them to grow.  Kyra and Alandra do the same.  If we like what we feel... we will seek to maintain it and even make it grow... if we don't we will make different choices.   In the end... it really is about ME!  I want to feel the way I feel with Kyra and Alandra in my life.  So... calling them a worthless piece of shit seems to me to be very contrary to getting me the feelings I want to have in a relationship with Alandra or Kyra





_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 9:07:51 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


However, Even though I affect both of them.. It doesn't remove their responsibility of there choices of behavior from the feelings that they feel.  I am uncompromising on this issue!  REGARDLESS of how one feels... we still choose our actions and we are responsible for that choice.. not the person that affected how we feel. 



I'm going to disagree with this somewhat. If he told me  I was a worthless piece of shit, and yet still expected that my behavior and actions would continue to give him my emotional vulnerability, my trust, then he would be wrong. Expecting your partner to handle their own emotions and give you everything you want despite you not giving them what they need is wrong. Someone who affects me deliberately negatively is not going to get a positive reaction.

You learned new ways to deal with Kyra because you couldn't demand that she respond positively to your previous method. You did hold yourself responsible for her response to your actions. And that's admirable.


While still maintaining that we are responsible for our reacting behavior (in agreement with KoM), I have to note that Celeste has a point with regard to reasonable expectations.  I've often seen where it seems that a submissive is solely held responsible for her emotions, thereby absolving the dominant from any responsibility for his choice of behavior.

I believe the distinction is not in the emotions themselves, but in how we react to those emotions... or in the case of a dominant, his expectation for that reaction.

For example, Firm can require I accept something that I do not like and I have the responsibility to choose whether I comply and how.  But no matter what he tells me or what I tell myself, I cannot make myself like and be happy about it and it would be unreasonable for him to expect that of me.  I may be able to hold my tongue and comply gracefully, but I won't lie by pretending to like something that I do not. 

Of course, how that makes him feel and how he chooses to respond is up to him.  We all have to live with the consequences for the choices we make. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 9:16:03 AM   
MissEnchanted


Posts: 510
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Honesty.

And big tits.


Honesty.

And big pecs. 

On the more serious side:
Intelligence, kindness, and a wonderful ability to make me laugh.


< Message edited by MissEnchanted -- 12/31/2008 9:22:23 AM >

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 9:55:34 AM   
devotedinSD


Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Speaking solely from my personal experiences with the girls I have been with and keeping in mind that they are all from a limited demographic (18-24), I would say that it depends.

When your in a relationship with a people pleaser and have a connection where they are making themselves, to some degree or another, emotionally vulnerable to you and your approval, I think it's important to realize that the dominants actions and behavior are going to have a degree of influence on the mentality of the submissive. Simply because of the symbiotic nature of the relationship where their happiness is often dependent on successfully making you happy.

Is it important for a submissive to be able to handle constructive criticism? Yes. Is it important for a submissive to be able to take responsibility for their own emotions? Yes. But I think it's equally important to realize that the dominant has some degree of responsibility for the condition of his girl's mental state, because of the degree of influence he has over it as the dominant. It's not the same as talking to a subordinate at work who is only their for a paycheck and could give a fuck less about your personal approval outside how it affects his income level.

If someone were to tell their girl that they were a worthless piece of crap who had failed them miserably and then were to absolve themselves of the responsibility of the destructive criticism by saying the girl was responsible for her own emotions, I would probably laugh in their face while secretly holding back thoughts of punching them in the nose.

At the same time, an adult who allows themselves to be vulnerable to the approval/disapproval of their dominant in a symbiotic relationship is a far cry from someone is emotionally immature and insecure with low self esteem and a whole host of personal issues whether they are in a D/S relationship or not.

As someone who has "Captain Save a Ho" tendencies, I have found myself being attracted to such individuals in the past and have had to learn how to see the red flags, avoid them, and save myself from myself in order to avoid the negative influence they have brought to my life in the past.



Excellent post, yes to all of it. I get affected because I care, that doesn't make me a wilted flower.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 9:58:26 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I always start with breathing.

That's a big plus in my book.

(in reply to SoulPiercer)
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RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 10:28:24 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
you know.. I am beginning to think that you don't think all that highly of most doms.. in fact.. it would appear that you have alot of contempt for most of these self-proclaimed dominants.  *w*


LOL how about just "humans" in general.  Makes me notice and appreciate the good ones that much more.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 10:58:45 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking solely from personal experience and making some generalizations based on submissive women I have known, I think that quite a few dominants aren't fully prepared for the reality (or at least what I have come to call reality based off my experiences) of what it means to be involved with a submissive woman. Instead of realizing they aren't able to handle or deal with it, they often project it as some kind of flaw on the part of the submissive instead of something intricate to their personality and orientation.

I see a lot of dominants with a laundry list of qualities that are more a kin to a dominant orientation than a submissive one.

For example...

I want a submissive who is fully responsible for her own emotions and unaffected by harsh criticism. Okay...great...but from where I sit, with my experiences, there is an emotional vulnerability that is inherent to the mental connection between a dominant and submissive. If someone wasn't emotionally affected by my harsh criticism or negativity of them, I would certainly question whether or not that mental connection existed. The dominant isn't fully prepared for how much influence they can have over their submissive's psyche and how their communication style can impact them and rather than deal with that, they turn it into some fault on the part of the submissive for being "hurt" or "emotional" in response to their words.

I want a submissive who is completely independent. Sounds great, but in my experiences, there are followers and there are leaders. It's not something as black and white as Kinsey's 1s and 0s, but I've found that people who excel in structured environments where boundaries are set for them externally by another are often bad or don't do well in environments where they have to provide their own structure and boundaries. Much in the same way that people, like myself, who excel in environments where they are the one's providing the structure and boundaries for themselves and others don't do well in environments where the structure and boundaries are created by others.

I want a submissive who will stand up to me. A great ideal, but unfortunately, it runs somewhat contrary to submission. I've found that someone who has that submissive connection with me, wants to please me, and wants to do what I say is going to have a difficult time with telling me "No".

I want a submissive who doesn't need me at all. I've had a saying for awhile now that goes "Submissive women need food, water, and attention." While over the top neediness can be a negative, to think that your not going to have to put some degree of effort into giving them attention and providing discipline and praise is somewhat unrealistic.

Of course, other people's mileage is going to vary on all of that.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 11:07:17 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		For my household these things would be a must.

Poly
Bi
Either a solid bottom/sub or a sub-sided switch
Geeky
Artistic
Honest
Religiously and socially liberal or progressive
Not a vegan or vegetarian
Focused on family over fetish, Ds over play, reality over fantasy

Then are even more specific criteria that I look for but in general those things above would never change.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 11:08:06 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
you know.. I am beginning to think that you don't think all that highly of most doms.. in fact.. it would appear that you have alot of contempt for most of these self-proclaimed dominants.  *w*


LOL how about just "humans" in general.  Makes me notice and appreciate the good ones that much more.


Yes, I have never seen LA discriminate!

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 11:52:50 AM   
scottishjason


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/25/2008
Status: offline 		Just one word… LOYALTY

(in reply to SoulPiercer)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 11:54:58 AM   
secretmaster22


Posts: 85
Joined: 12/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And I think the reality is that while a lot of doms SAY they want smart and feisty, they really want stupid and horny. 


I'll take neither.  Thanks!  At least for my collared submissive.  If she's stupid and horny and wants to worship my cock for a time, and has the ass and such to go with it, then I'm not gonna say no, but she won't be a regular.  As far as Smart and Feisty girls, I think most of the time they make me feel like I'm having to force them into submission, which I know is some peoples thing, but it's not mine.  I like the way my Keiko is smart and submits because she loves me and it is who she is.  But to each his own.



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 11:58:44 AM   
LumusandtheLady


Posts: 1926
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		I confess fully to skimming this primarily because every answer should be individual and, as a result, 100% correct unto itself.
 
T'ain't no right nor wrong here, yo.
 
Since I didn't see the word, I'll toss this one in, and take it as ye like:
 
Appreciation.
 
*strolls back to P&RS*

_____________________________

"Ok, can we return to reality now, please?"

~Rain - newest member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair-a's~

You are a fluke of the universe...



(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 2:44:48 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Makes me notice and appreciate the good ones that much more.


yeah this is true! and you are indeed one of the good ones!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: What are the characteristics that Dom/me's seek in ... - 12/31/2008 3:21:57 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		~FR~
Figures that guys are hung up with a girl having big tits.
As rule, anything more than a handful is a waste.
Wouldn't you agree GreedyTop?

As for what the Dom/me wants as characteristics possessed by a submissive/slave.
That depends, for some it is the potential for being wild.
Reactive to stimulus. Though I have no idea why guys get so turned on moans of pleasure or the vocal,'Yes,yes, yes' or 'More,more.more'?

I personally think the best characteristics would be,
loyalty, depending on the sub/slave, it could have set limits or can be unconditional if certain boundaries are respected.
flexibility, and not just physically either (not everyone is a gymnast)
awareness, of what is needed to care for the dom/me (this does not always mean the physical)
motivated, not given to periods of lethargy, always eager to please (this does not necessarily mean physical)


(in reply to SoulPiercer)
Profile   Post #: 60
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