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rabinyaZharovna -> RE: When subspace ISN'T a warm, fluffy place... (1/5/2009 5:49:24 AM)
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Erin, I second, third or more like tenth the sentiment.. thank you for posting this! My Master is a sadist, which it turns out was exactly what I was looking for, just hadn't realized it. Prior to him I had played with other men as well as had fairly intense relationships with other men. For me, and this is juuuust me, so nobody needs to jump on this and tell me why it isn't right etc... I was always left with a sense of longing... longing to not feel like it was ultimately about me. what I could take, what I was comfortable with, what I enjoyed, what I liked, what I didn't like, what took me to a lovely space, what gave me a thrill, what turned me on etc etc.... for me, it always left me feeling like I was ultimately in control... topping from the bottom. (Again, I know this isn't how everyone feels about it, I'm simply saying how it made me feel) I longed for someone that would use me for their pleasure, that made it all about them... NOT me! That was the only way for me to really and truly feel out of control... taken... reduced to nothing... stripped down bare.... Mastered. Along came this sadist who would just beat the crap out of me without worrying if I thougbt I'd had enough, but instead worried about when he'd had enough. Subspace wasn't a lovely place to take me to because what he wanted was a sobbing, screaming, makeup utterly washed away by tears, mess of a girl who had endured for him... that's what he enjoys and what I found was that even though it's desperately hard to take, it's what I was looking for all along. I don't get angry, I'm too much of a mess at that point to do anything but sob really. We reconnect because when he's done, he flips me over, or pulls me down or whatever, and next thing I know he's fucking the life out of me and I'm still crying hysterically and then suddenly my hips are meeting his and he's whisperring in my ear how wonderful I am, how I please him, what a good girl I am, and now I'm crying for a whole 'nother reason and my hips are frantically meeting his and... well.. :) you get the idea.
He knows what I do enjoy and he plays with that... when he feels like it. Sometimes it's a session that includes a bit of both, sometimes not... it all depends on what he feels like and I never know what's coming.. what to expect. Expectations... learning not to have any and to simply accept whatever he gives me (not just in beatings, but in everyyyything in life) was the hardest thing to learn. I still catch myself sometimes starting to feel some sense of disappointment or confusion, but when I examine the source I realize it's because I had allowed an expectation of some sort to make it's way into my thoughts... let go of the expectation and the confusion or disappointment falls away with it.
rz{PF}
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