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MizSuz -> RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( (1/4/2006 4:58:32 PM)
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Collett,
Please feel free to call me Suz.
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
You ask: "What do you think your lesson/s in this situation is/ are?" I think I've learned a good lesson in JUST where My bdsm and natural woman's emotional, spiritual and physical areas are. I believe I've also learned a GREAT lesson in how to be more honest with Myself and him and WHEN to be honest (and how to present it) in future bdsm relationships. But, I'm STILL learning that one, as I have no other bdsm relations right now.
It's always a pleasure for me to see someone take responsibility for themself and end up walking straight into their personal power as a result. Thank you for sharing that with us.
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
I am not just going for 'play' here. I'm looking to groom a boy for an eventual live-in, luv-in. My take on intimacy is that in ANY relationship-vanilla or kink- it takes at LEAST one year if not two to really know if someone is compatible for life. I wish to be monogamous.
One of the kewlest things (to me) about BDSM is that we get to define 'relationship' for ourselves and there are no rules that say all our relationships must be the same. I point out that bdsm relationships do not have to be sexual in nature. In fact, not everyone who is looking for a bdsm relationship is also looking for romantic intimacy in that relationship.
I completely agree with your thoughts regarding length of time to really get to know someone. I'd add that in that time you'll get to see how they handle conflict, which for me is a critical skill for anyone I will allow close to me.
I do usually encourage new comers not to get into a 'relationship' for a while when they are new to the scene. I tell them to treat it like a new toy for a while and just have fun and learn techniques. Get to know a lot of different people and see how different things work in different situations and in different relationships. Get your feet wet without the stress of trying to 'make something work.' You'll wake up one day with a wealth of new knowledge (not only about kink but also about yourself), wonderful new acquaintances and dear new friends that will always be a part of your life in one way or another. You'll get a better understanding of what you really do and don't want regarding how kink should be in your life. Perhaps you have already done this and this is your first 'serious' d/s based relationship. If not, then perhaps it's a new perspective you hadn't considered.
I completely honor your choice to be monogamous. You might know that there has recently been a lot of discussion on the General Discussion board about monogamy. Aside from the regrettably inevitable devolution that occurs in a thread that people feel passionate about there was some good insight in those threads. If nothing else it served to show that there are as many ways to define monogamy as there are people to come up with the definitions. Does your definition of monogamy preclude you from cultivating d/s based relationships with people outside of your current partnering? If so, why? Is that working for you? Perhaps you are only open to sexual d/s relationships? If so, is that working for you?
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
I DO feel that 'time outs' are necessary in ANY relationship (vanilla or bdsm) where the power struggle gets heavy.
GF, you are preachin' to the choir. I need them (time outs) for me, regardless. Looooong before power struggle comes into play, and doubly so if I find myself in the middle of it, I make sure to take plenty of time for me. It's a bottom line kinda thing for me.
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
I walk away and cool off, regroup and collect resources and objective viewpoints THEN re-address the situations. I take responsibility for My part and do My BEST not to repeat the mistake. I expect the other person to be as fully accepting of their responsibility and do their soul-searching if they don't know themselves. If I find myself or the other blaming, shaming, guilting...it's just not good for anyone and could lead to harm. So, I back off. I use time outs to EVERYONE's advantage, I hope.
Yep, I'm stepping back here and re-assessing his strengths and weaknesses. And I'm re-grouping my mental and spiritual strengths and boundaries. I am ALSO re-assessing my strengths and weaknesses and what My desires for this relationship are and where it might go. Oh, he IS delightful to Me and cherished SO much in SO many ways. Endearing, he is, but delicate, too. I acknowledge that I am also a delicate One, but commanding, nonetheless.
I will admit my dysfunction, and as is My way, I will acknowledge and break from operating out of it. It's damned necessary, don't you think? Yep, co-dependent policing, checking and re-checking honesty with one's self and others. Constant awareness of honest motives is mandatory on both parts and is NOT negotiable.
YOU GO, GIRL!!!! [:D] Feel the power?
Yes, I think it's damned necessary. 'Nuff said.
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
About the gifts: he's getting it...slowly, but surely. And I can certainly control my reactions to them. The coffee and chocolate? I simply said, "***, I did not ask for them, did I, dear? Nice thought, but no thanks. Try not to give Me what I do not ask for, ok?" Another example of how I handled some gifts was this; he brought a printer and a dvd player to the house (didn't tell him to.) I asked his permission to present them to My daughters as Christmas presents WITH the clear understanding that they are from him, but predominantly from Me. He agreed. So that's how it was. Also, I make it clear that I SHARE what he buys or that he is buying it for someone else, NOT for Me or him. And IF it is toys, lingerie, etc. I direct what we will buy and how it will be used. I explain clearly it's OURS and will NOT be used by Me for any other reasons or situations.
I think if you control your reactions to them you can use that as a tool to teach him what you want. That's not to say that you needn't state your preferences clearly, just that you can use the way you respond as a tool to reinforce what you tell him.
May I ask why you don't like to receive gifts?
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
We had a very intimate and relaxed time exploring kama sutra and tantric quite a few times. I've been doing kinky, dominant things all my sex life. I actually have techniques that I haven't used on him or anyone in bdsm play. I will not go into detail here. But, I'd be glad to share the plan one-on-one with a Mistress such as Yourself if you care to chat or mail sometime.
Tantra? <grin> The male multiple orgasm is a glorious thing, isn't it?
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
You say, "I think what I'm trying to say is that I hear you say you are in power struggles with him and I'm not sure why you choose to participate. You have so many options for creating the environment you wish to live in, with him or without him, why would you participate in anything that is less than what you want?
And My answer is this: The ONLY reason at THIS point I would care to continue to participate is that it is an excellent learning device for Me. He's My tool to play, experiment and learn on. :) That's My mindset, anyhow.
Then once again I ask whether or not your purposes would be better served if you were not 'trying to make a relationship work' but rather just having a good time with it and allowing whatever comes of it to come.
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ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS
Isn't the definition of a bdsm relationship an exchange of power? Aren't there going to be power struggles? Like I say, it's new and I really have no understanding of other playmates, but that could be in the future.
In a perfect world an exchange would be free flowing. If there is a struggle then it's not flowing it's being arm wrestled for. Now, some people WANT that in their dynamic (more power to them, it ain't my cup of tea) but I use the presence of a power struggle as a red flag that things are not what I want to create in my life. Sure, I occasionally wake up and realize that somehow I've managed to create another one or allow someone else's in. If I'm on my toes I disengage long before it gets to that point. Obviously we don't live in a perfect world. The power struggles that I willingly engage in are usually fairly short lived, as I'm not often willing to engage for long.
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders! Good luck to you with whatever you choose to create.
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