Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up"

Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (Full Version)

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HentaiGamerKitty -> Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 5:54:05 PM)
Well, we all know that a break up is always difficult...but considering the extreme emotions that occur within the context of a BDSM relationship, the situation seems even more difficult. I recently parted ways with my r/t 24/7 Dom. He released me, and I was ready to be released. However, I'm having a difficult time adjusting to freedom again. I guess a little background info is in order...We were involved less than a year,but it was very intense. When I first met him, I told him that I was a sexual submissive and not a "slave." I told him that I really can't deal with being told what to do, especially in regards to every day life and money, etc...I'm EXTREMELY submissive in the bedroom and enjoy BDSM play VERY much, but I just have a real problem with being submissive in my everyday dealings. I told this man all of this, but after talking to him, he sort of made me believe that I really was a slave at heart and had just been "denying my nature." I don't think he was being purposely manipulative...I think he was desperately looking for love and was seeing in me the things that he wanted to see in me, even though they weren't really there. Well, long story made short, he convinced me to enter into a full time M/S relationship with him. At first everything was good...I tried really hard to be everything he wanted. But I absolutely HATED it when he tried to tell me what to do (outside of the bedroom). I bit my tongue for a long time and allowed a lot of bitterness and resentment to build up toward him. Finally, things started falling apart. One can only pretend to be someone they aren't for so long, right? Well I slowly became less and less submissive to him in our everyday dealings until it got to the point where we were arguing all the time and I really wasn't doing ANYTHING he told me to do. Finally, he said, "Obviously you don't want a M/S relationship....so its over." Well now I'm free...and I have to admit that my first day of freedom felt AWESOME. The problem is that I've caught between two feelings...One feeling is that of euphoria because I'm at last my own person and able to live my life the way I want to. The other is a deep sadness because I miss him and I miss his guiding influence in my life. He's a wonderful person and we're still on very good terms...I don't blame him or anything. I just wasn't the kind of person he needed. He needs a very deep level of submission and I find myself unable to give him that. Now I'm worried that I'll never find a life partner that fits my specific needs (ie someone that will love, adore, and treat me like an equal by day, then do horrible sadistic things to me at night...) I'm also just confused as to my own personality and wondering whether or not I'm cut out to be a submissive. There's no doubt that I enjoy the sexual play...including fairly extreme forms of play in some cases. But the minute a man tries to tell me what I can do with my free time or how to spend my money, all submissive thoughts go right out the window. Has anyone else ever been in this sort of situation? How did you deal with it? Thanks for listening...I'm sort of venting to strangers I guess...but you know, this isn't exactly the kind of thing you can discuss with your casual friends.

caitlyn -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:09:13 PM)
Just my opinion ... but when you let someone talk you into doing something you don't really want to do, or talk you into being something you really aren't ... eventually you will make that person pay for it. There is nothing any of us can say that will help you feel better about yourself ... but you seem like a very intelligent person. Why not put more trust in the one person that knows you best! [:D][:D]

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:12:36 PM)
Thank you...That's good advice...I'm definately going to listen to myself more carefully in the future. He was a very good man, and a very good dominant..but he just wasn't the right TYPE of dominant for me I think...Of course, that said, I'm still awfully lonely.

seaturtle50 -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:28:41 PM)
Hello Hentai, Thanks for sharing your thoughts so elequently. It is never an easy thing to go through the seperation from a person that we care for. I recently had a 9 year relationship end (6 months ago) and although it ended for different reasons, it is still something that usually results in one experiencing alot of different feelings. It is a process. As to your comment: quote: Now I'm worried that I'll never find a life partner that fits my specific needs (ie someone that will love, adore, and treat me like an equal by day, then do horrible sadistic things to me at night...) Trust me, you can safely delegate that to the "least of your worries." You shall find millions of suitable and willing partners for one such as yourself (lovely and beautiful, in thought and deed [8\|]) I am kind of going through a similar thing right now, in that I am coming to terms with my own feelings. My past experiences have all been where I have been the Dom (all online) but in truth I am a sub. It seems to me to be almost impossible, as I have lived my life, carried myself, and been perceived as as a Dom. Both in business and personal. A natural leader of sorts. In truth however, I am not that. My most intimate and (lifelong) thoughts and feelings are deeply sub. when I read certain things on these and other boards I practically melt. It is a "need" that I have denied all of my life, and am now ready to allow, in my RL. As I deal with this, I have gone to the "Ask a Domme" thread and asked for some advice. That has been helpful. The best thing I have heard so far, (amongst some great advice) is to pay very close attention to what it is that really turns me on. Look at the things about a Domme that cause me to become excited, or attracted to her. So basically I suppose it is about me telling myself my truth. And being honest about that to others. There is someone (most likely more than one) who is perfect for you. Rest assured. And your Dom will find himself in the same situation as well. That is the way of the world. The most important thing that I could probably suggest to you is "To Thine Own Self be True" I wish you the very best, and serenity too. michael

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:32:00 PM)
Thank you so much for the kind words..this is why I came here. I don't have any r/t friends who are in the lifestyle and so there is no one to really talk to that would understand the particulars. Best of luck in finding what you are searching for :)

Gomez -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:32:34 PM)
I know that during your time together, you developed a strong connection to him. But you are who you are and in saying that, the Master should have accepted that and not try and change who you are. I, on the other hand, would have seen that you would have been my equal during the day but by night, you would be mine to please me as I saw fit (whether in the bedroom or behind closed doors). It will take time for the feelings to subside, but be strong and know that out there, there is you match in the Master you seek. I wish you all the best in your search for fulfillment and hope all goes well for you.

caitlyn -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:34:45 PM)
Have you really talked to this guy about how you feel ... I mean REALLY talked to him? Maybe he misses you just as much, and maybe he misses the REAL you. He might be saying right now ... "damn it, I had an awesome woman, why did I try to make her into something she wasn't and fuck up the whole thing?" Now, maybe being hyper-controlling is just who he is, and if that's the case, you trying to work it out with him is no different than him trying to make you a slave that you clearly aren't ... but it may also be that you both have your heals dug in and really wish the solid ground would become a little muddy and mushy ... so you could both give a little. As a disclaimer, you should know that you are now getting advice from someone that has fucked up every relationship she has ever been in, and done it with lightning efficiency ... so there is a good chance this advice seriously sucks! [:D]

sub4hire -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 6:43:54 PM)
quote: I'm also just confused as to my own personality and wondering whether or not I'm cut out to be a submissive. There's no doubt that I enjoy the sexual play...including fairly extreme forms of play in some cases. But the minute a man tries to tell me what I can do with my free time or how to spend my money, all submissive thoughts go right out the window. Has anyone else ever been in this sort of situation? How did you deal with it? You don't have to label yourself submissive to be part of this lifestyle. You can be a bottom. They have the play dynamic but when they say goodbye it is goodbye until we meet again to play. None of the mental stuff at all. You just have to find the right top. As far as the relationship ending. Time heals all wounds. Give it some time, talk to others and get your mind on more pleasant things. Before long you'll be feeling better.

Petruchio -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 7:08:48 PM)
Even if the D/s happens to overlap into everyday life (outside the bedroom), I do not micromanage my lady, and in fact, I encourage self-actualizaiton. Further, I know that many things she'll be able to do better or more efficiently than I. Vanillas can call it a division of labor, but you can also think of it as delegating. Obviously, you are a sub, not a slave. Only a better contract can help with that. Good luck, Hentai.

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 7:44:19 PM)
Once again, thanks for the kind words and advice. Caitlyn, yes, I've told him everything...we talked about it before making the decision to part company. He is a very controlling person by nature (although also a very kind person.) He really needs 100% submission or he feels like his masculinity is being undermined. In my own case, I have some self-esteem issues, and when I'm with a long term partner, I really need to be told that I'm needed and wanted and such...and he feels that saying those kind of things isn't appropriate in a M/S relationship "because the slave should always need the master more than he needs her." I can't deal with that...I have to know I'm needed. There were other issues too of course (they're always are.) It was little stuff in comparison, but it made a difference. He didn't believe in kissing or making out, which drove me crazy. He kept a strong emotional distance (because I think he feels that showing emotion is a weakness.) That was an issue. Sexually, everything was great when we were scening, but in between scenes, i was very unsatisfied. I told him early on that I needed a healthy dose of vanilla sex too. To me, kinky isn't kinky if you do it every night. His idea of vanilla sex was "lay down and spread your legs." Basically no foreplay, no oral sex for me, no passion, etc. We kept running into little snags....He was strongly poly in nature and I wasn't, so that was an issue. We also had issues where oral sex and anal sex were concerned. I love oral sex, but I enjoy being an ACTIVE partner (really taking care of the guy, using my mouth to pleasure and tease him to climax), but he wanted me to just sit there and let him ram his penis in and out until he orgasmed. This didn't work so well because he had an enormously thick penis that I simply couldn't fit in my mouth. We had a similiar issue with anal sex...I love anal, but he was so large that it would take a week for me to heal every time we did it (which frustrated him.) That's probable "too much info", but I guess my point is just that even though we were so incompatible, I really miss having someone in my life...I'm glad to know that other people have 'been there and done that". Once again, Thanks for listening.

Raphael -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 7:53:59 PM)
Bingo. And people tell me I'm being pedantic when I insist on preserving the distinction between top/bottom and dominant/submissive. Call it what you will, people get hurt when they confuse the two.

windy135 -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 8:15:00 PM)
This was a good post. I feel the same way, I feel that I'm a sexual submissive and not a slave. I'm not looking to be owned I like my vanilla life and I wondered if I fit into this life style. The answer is yes: because there are no rules and everyone is so different. Except who you are and embrace it. There are people out there looking for someone just like you. I wish you much luck on finding them. :)

Gomez -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 8:54:05 PM)
Totally agree with windy. It honestly sounds like your a sub and not the slave that your Master wanted. He tried shaping you into something who your not, which in the end backfired on him. Never compromise on who you are inside and any Master that tries to change you is not the right Master for you. Find a Master that will not only collar you because of who you are, but also collars you for the potential and the inspiration He may give you to further you. Best of luck.[:D]

Sensualips -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 9:06:48 PM)
HGKitty, any break up is hard. I really like seeing your attitude though - that he was not a bad person, you just were incompatible. I think in the long run this kind of mind set will make it easier for you to heal and move on. Also, am I right in remembering you had some fear about visiting your family because you felt mom might sense how he "controlled" you. In the bedroom was one thing, but you felt embarassed anxious over her realizing he controlled all aspects of your life? If so, maybe that anxiety was a sign that you were not that comfortable with it either? Also, is it the minute a MAN tries to tell you what to do or just anyone in general. I often get gender roles and issues mixed in with the personality traits of Dominant and submissive and it gets really jumbled. You mentioned your mom was very much a feminist in the men-don't-tell-me-what-to-do sense and perhaps some of that is internalized. I really don't think you need to worry about if you are a submissive or a slave or a bottom or just kinky. Labels are not important. Just focus on yourself and defining what you want. (And don't jump back into another relationship quickly because you feel lonely.)

mystictryst -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 9:10:37 PM)
Kitty, I can understand what you are going through as my partner (Dom) and I are also parting ways after 7 years together. I can agree with what everyone has said about being true to yourself. It is easy to try and be what someone wants you to be, but in the end, your own real feelings shine through and hiding them, swallowing them, only builds the walls of resentment, regardless of how good the intentions. It's hard and I know you are worried about so much. I don't have any real wisdom to share except it is best that you are realizing this now instead of 10 years from now... And I'm sure you will someday meet someone who can be all that you need them to be as much as they allow you to flourish in what you need to be as well.

Petruchio -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 11:10:26 PM)
quote: In my own case, I have some self-esteem issues, and when I'm with a long term partner, I really need to be told that I'm needed and wanted and such...and he feels that saying those kind of things isn't appropriate in a M/S relationship "because the slave should always need the master more than he needs her." I can't deal with that...I have to know I'm needed. Most of us need to know we're needed, even your dom as he informed you, circumspectly. Else you're not in a relationship, you in a service industry. quote: There were other issues too of course (they're always are.) It was little stuff in comparison, but it made a difference. He didn't believe in kissing or making out, which drove me crazy. Huh? One of the great joys in life? A relationship without kissing is like a life without sunshine. Granted, I only go out with women, but I've never met a healthy person who didn't enjoy kissing. quote: He kept a strong emotional distance (because I think he feels that showing emotion is a weakness.) That was an issue. Yep, another emotionally stunted clue. quote: Sexually, everything was great when we were scening, but in between scenes, i was very unsatisfied. I told him early on that I needed a healthy dose of vanilla sex too. To me, kinky isn't kinky if you do it every night. Gourmets don't eat gourmet food all the time. quote: His idea of vanilla sex was "lay down and spread your legs." Basically no foreplay, no oral sex for me, no passion, etc. NO ORAL SEX! (gasp) quote: We kept running into little snags....He was strongly poly in nature and I wasn't, so that was an issue. I'll bet. quote: We also had issues where oral sex and anal sex were concerned. I love oral sex, but I enjoy being an ACTIVE partner (really taking care of the guy, using my mouth to pleasure and tease him to climax), (Oral-appreciating dom listening attentively) quote: … but he wanted me to just sit there and let him ram his penis in and out until he orgasmed. This didn't work so well because he had an enormously thick penis that I simply couldn't fit in my mouth. I'm turned on when my girl is turned on, and the ramming thing has its limits. quote: We had a similiar issue with anal sex...I love anal, but he was so large that it would take a week for me to heal every time we did it (which frustrated him.) I'll just skip comment here except to say this guy has the humanity of a stump. Hentai, you two were so completely different as to have been on different planets. You know what you have to do now, plan more carefull, and insist on a loving guy who can communicate. Luck to you, lass.

Wolfie648 -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 11:29:51 PM)
quote: Now I'm worried that I'll never find a life partner that fits my specific needs (ie someone that will love, adore, and treat me like an equal by day, then do horrible sadistic things to me at night...) I'm also just confused as to my own personality and wondering whether or not I'm cut out to be a submissive. You will find your life partner, 1 day, 1 week, 1 year, 1 decade, whatever it takes. In your own terms of what's what you are a submissive not a slave - which is what you told him in the first place. Keep at it. D (owner of j)

spoiledbrat -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/3/2006 11:57:30 PM)
Girl, I totally can understand where you are coming from. My owner of two years (24/7) and i just finally went our seperate ways after a long prolonged ending. I know what I am going thru for as much as I had wanted out for such a long time, finally being out was and is a differen't story. So from what you have written you are experiences many of the same things. I lived pretty much day in and day out in the same four walls with him alone unless I saw a client which became less and less due to unhappiness and then of course not wanting to make money for him since I wasn't getting what I needed from him let alone anything I truly wanted. For two years, I had no friends no nothing so the day I left I was totally alone. That is until a dominant from Arizona drove 10 hours just so I wouldnt be alone on New Years. Time will tell for you what you really are sub/slave it just has to be with the right person. good luck to you and if you ever want to rant and rave, just send me a email we can exchange stories.

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 5:20:37 AM)
I'm glad to know that others have been in my place...I guess I'm just going to be myself and see who I meet. I know that somewhere out there, there has got to be someone that's right for me. I'm only 22...Its not like I don't have time. I've pretty much decided to stop looking for a partner and just enjoy life....If someone comes along, so be it, and if not, at least I've got good friends to be with. Thanks :)

spoiledbrat -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 9:39:48 AM)
[:)] I feel exactly the same as you. Right now I am just looking to have a good time and will not settle for less. I figure that after two years of not having any fun, I think I can reward myself with some. If in the mean time as they say "The One" comes around it will not be pressured but nurtured instead until the time is right. I also have a better list and knowledge then I did two years ago, I now know everything I do not want and it is very very very clear. Enjoy your time alone rebuild from inside out and good things will come, I am sure you will have good Karma.

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