RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (Full Version)

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thetammyjo -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 10:25:25 AM)

HentaiGamerKitty:

If it isn't too forward: *HUG* for your breakup and the feelings that are very very normal and natural I think (or at least they have been to me).

The vast majority of people who do BDSM in any form do it only in the bedroom. Please don't let those of us who see this as something outside of the bedroom make you feel like you have less a chance for finding a good partner(s).

Perhaps you should looking in other venues than the one in which you found your last partner?

But I'm going to recommend that you take some time off to just be yourself and play with multiple people, date multiple people and just make friends. I know that the more friends I made, the more experience I had, and the more myself I understood, the better choices I made in terms of partners.



gingersnap7789 -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 10:34:52 AM)

I feel for you and your break up. It's obvious that you two were not meant to be together, but that doensn't make it hurt any less. You will find someone who is more your type. I think we give so much more in these types of relationships, and that the pain is somehow deeper when we are forced to let them go. You're right, you're young. Give it time and think it through, and you will find your mate. Good luck.



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 11:18:06 AM)

I had discussions with friends, not too long ago, and we discussed how it seemed that many of our friends/acquaintances remained in bad or unfulfilling relationships, because there had comfort in knowing they "had" someone (in the lifestyle), and they realized the difficult journey to find another. It's not a reason to remain in an unhappy relationship, as I see it. It sounds like no matter how you tried to meet his needs, he may not have been able to come near fulfilling any of your own.

You will probably need time to grieve the loss, regardless of it not being the best relationship.

I'm not going to pretend to understand the full dynamic within a M/s relationship (as it's never been an area of interest for me), but his thinking sounds correct for him. It also appears that you knew you were not a "slave" to begin, and gave it your best effort. I don't think the best effort can make you, or anyone, a "slave."

Unfortunately, now you have to figure things out for what you want. I have quite a few friends (female and male) that are struggling with what they thought was identifying as being a "submissive." When "exploring" what they thought they wanted...they found they couldn't identify as a sub. Some are struggling with being curious about both sides of the spectrum, and others aren't able to actually BE submissive at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty

In my own case, I have some self-esteem issues, and when I'm with a long term partner, I really need to be told that I'm needed and wanted and such...and he feels that saying those kind of things isn't appropriate in a M/S relationship "because the slave should always need the master more than he needs her." I can't deal with that...I have to know I'm needed.

There were other issues too of course (they're always are.) It was little stuff in comparison, but it made a difference. He didn't believe in kissing or making out, which drove me crazy. He kept a strong emotional distance (because I think he feels that showing emotion is a weakness.) That was an issue. Sexually, everything was great when we were scening, but in between scenes, i was very unsatisfied. I told him early on that I needed a healthy dose of vanilla sex too. To me, kinky isn't kinky if you do it every night. His idea of vanilla sex was "lay down and spread your legs." Basically no foreplay, no oral sex for me, no passion, etc.


Just based on this little bit of revealing info, I'd guess that this man might also be emotionally and relationship dysfunctional. He does have the idea of what he envisions a M/s relationship to be, but he doesn't seem to comfortable with being with a woman. He's probably not very capable of affection or intimacy in any type of relationship. Perhaps the M/s lifestyle is way of avoiding that part of what I see as "healthy" in relationships.

Enjoy your new freedom and I hope your time in discovery is fulfilling.

K



MasterLark -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 12:30:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty

I'm glad to know that others have been in my place...I guess I'm just going to be myself and see who I meet. I know that somewhere out there, there has got to be someone that's right for me. I'm only 22...Its not like I don't have time. I've pretty much decided to stop looking for a partner and just enjoy life....If someone comes along, so be it, and if not, at least I've got good friends to be with. Thanks :)


Sounds like a good plan for now. your detailed analysis earlier tells me you are smart enough to know what went wrong. And so let it be and move on, but keep the lessons learned.

A sub wanting her own active vital life during the day, so to speak, while being all the submissive any Master could want behind closed doors is not a contradiction. It is where you are. All of that is do-able and most likely will work for you. My own opinion is that the Master you had was a poor listener, too into himself, and proably wouldn't be a good Master even to the kind of slave he seems to crave. Why? Because being a Master is about responsibility and he was being irresponsible with you. All the best.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 2:53:43 PM)

quote:

I'm also just confused as to my own personality and wondering whether or not I'm cut out to be a submissive. There's no doubt that I enjoy the sexual play...including fairly extreme forms of play in some cases. But the minute a man tries to tell me what I can do with my free time or how to spend my money, all submissive thoughts go right out the window.


Now what on earth would make you think you aren't cut out to be "a" submissive? this slave isn't aware that there is a rule book dictating what that means exactly other than it is an adjective that seems to need a lot of explaining around here. there are plenty of folks that identify as submissive, (some right here on this site!) that describe their D/s relationships as no different than vanilla--only there is kink in the bedroom. their role in the bedroom kink is all the submission they are into and there is nothing wrong with that! knowing yourself helps you to develop positive relationships with others.

then there will be some folks that will tell you that to submit to another in all things means you are co-dependent, mentally ill, weak, or worse, egads-----a doormat!!!!!!! personally, this slave got really tired of listening to all those well-meaning folks try to tell her she was sick in the head and WRONG to want to serve a man completely, from the time His eyes open in the morning until He slips into the arms of Morpheus at night, from the scrubbing of His bathroom fixtures to sitting next to Him at a business dinner to being His slut, puppy, whatever HE desires.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, don't allow anyone to "convince you" to make a commitment you don't feel comfortable with---be it your overbearing mom, your well-meaning friends, your nosy co-workers or a play-partner-turned-relationship-hopeful, especially to be their SLAVE when the thought of someone controlling what you do turns your stomach and leaves you so resentful it undermines any positive things that relationship brought to you.



Noah -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 5:43:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Raphael

Bingo.

And people tell me I'm being pedantic when I insist on preserving the distinction between top/bottom and dominant/submissive.

Call it what you will, people get hurt when they confuse the two.




You say pedantic like it's a bad thing.

Come to think of it you said: "people get hurt" the same way.

Weird.

Bingo of course is morally neutral.







theRose4U -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 7:55:16 PM)

I was wondering the other day what hay bale you'd fallen under. Good to see you back but wish the situation was better.
I think that my answer now is similar to when we were discussing mom... you have to be able to be a whole person before you can share with anyone else. Knowing who you are and what you want out of life are important skills. Just remember not to fall into the trap you described previously where you break up with a guy that mom doesn't like then you fall back into the trap of her controlling your life. It's time you get out on your own and learn to stand on your own two feet. The D/s part will eventually fit.



OscarHargraves -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/4/2006 9:30:27 PM)

Enjoy being who you are and what you are. Find a Dom who wants you for those things and just let it flow. To me that's the difference between a Sub and a Slave. Lots of Doms (me included) want a sexual Sub, not a Slave. I don't want to deal with her day-to-day problems and handle every detail of her life or finances. I have quite enough to handle taking care of myself.

I guess what I'm saying is: "Be true to yourself and be who you are." Then let the right Dom find YOU.



HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/5/2006 5:25:03 AM)

I agree with you all...both about being myself and about keeping mom out of my life...Ironically, this is the first guy I've ever been with that she liked.. (Of course she didn't know the details of our relationship...)

So I'm just not going to worry about finding a guy. I think that in time the right guy will come to me..now I just have to deal with the loneliness in the meantime.



thetammyjo -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/5/2006 8:16:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty

I agree with you all...both about being myself and about keeping mom out of my life...Ironically, this is the first guy I've ever been with that she liked.. (Of course she didn't know the details of our relationship...)

So I'm just not going to worry about finding a guy. I think that in time the right guy will come to me..now I just have to deal with the loneliness in the meantime.


Don't settling for being lonely.

Get friends, kinky and vanilla. Explore and become active as yourself. Go on some dates, get thee to a munch or several if you can find them, and volunteer at kinky organizations when you find them.

No, that won't replace the same type of relationship but it does help with some of the loneliness.

And also give yourself privacy and time to cry, scream, kick, and just be sad from time to time.



amayos -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/5/2006 9:14:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

Just my opinion ... but when you let someone talk you into doing something you don't really want to do, or talk you into being something you really aren't ... eventually you will make that person pay for it.

There is nothing any of us can say that will help you feel better about yourself ... but you seem like a very intelligent person. Why not put more trust in the one person that knows you best! [:D][:D]


I fully agree with this. Well said.



HoosierScorpio -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/5/2006 9:29:35 AM)

Some times when you brake up after a Master and slave relationship you will go through a period of feeling the freedom of choice. The problem is after a while you will start to miss the control and the connection that you had with the one you choose to call Master or Sir. I know so many who are new going into it full force and go too fast then they get burn out. Lifestyle brake up it harder for you are trying to break the connection you two had during the time of the relationship. You will go through a period of trying to figure is this lifestyle is for you. Just take your time to get past this pain of the brake up and allow your self time to greave for the lost and the braking of the connection. This lifestyle affects emotions and physical so take your time to get past this. Good luck Hoosierscorpio and sorry for your lost.



GIGGLEBOB -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/6/2006 6:10:33 AM)

I think deep down you do know who you are. But being human you have doupts about if you are being true to yourself. I think it was being true to yourself that made you crave your freedom. Asking for a caring affectionate man by day and a sadistic by night may sound like having your cake and eating it and a little too much to ask but I think you'll find plenty of people that would fit you well. Actually maybe me and you should talk a little more. Maybe we have something in comman. It would be nice to chat and see [:)]



theRose4U -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/6/2006 5:31:40 PM)

Honey just realized you're in DFW...I'm originally from there. If you're lonely or bored it's because you're trying. Rodeo is getting started again. Shelters or horse rescues could ALWAYS use your help. Throwing yourself into hobbies and life enrichment activities are your best bet. Getting out and getting on your own is even better. Roommates even non-kinky ones can teach you a lot about dealing with others and bonus gets you out of mom's. Doing some self improvement & skill building will not only help get you out of your funk but help you to be a better person when the new guy presents himself.




HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/6/2006 6:29:57 PM)

Thanks Rose...I'm already out of Moms (have been since June.) And I'm definately throwing myself into the horses...I'm riding about 5 days a week...competitions every sunday and sometimes Saturday too (we didn't have much of an "off" season this year.) Roomates might now work out for me...not just because I'm a bit of a loner, but also because my apartment is only a 1bedroom (675 sq feet.) I'm going to try to really throw myself into my hobbies though, as you suggest.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Advice on Dealing With A BDSM "Break-up" (1/6/2006 9:05:06 PM)

i was listening to coast to coast i have been throw two bad things this last year i put a lote of time an engergy into those relationships
but there was this lady she was talking about numbers how we can find that person though numbers and learn a lot more about us so i thought what the hay will let you know more but i see the patterns now and how to better me so i think that is great idea
huggles



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