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The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/5/2009 9:17:02 PM   
PETAH


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/4/2009
Status: offline 		Recently lost my  family. Im strong but This has been hard. The last relationship I was in I talked about my late husband all the time in the beginning but then caught myself and stopped. But I found myself contantly talking about my late mother and my Dad alot.
Maybe to much.
I just got out of the hospital we are laying dad to rest in two days. Im on medication and my partner is gone.

Im not good at dating I give up.
Can some of you who have had this kind of loss tell me how you lived with it.
Thanks in advance
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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/5/2009 9:37:49 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry for your loss.
It helps me to deal with the loss of loved by remembering them as they lived, like the old fashion Irish wakes. Not as they died, remembering the good things they did, the times that you had and keeping them in your heart, they will always be there. Another thing I like to do is speak of them often. Each time I speak of them with someone else, there is a chance that someone else will also remember them too. This way it ensures their immortality.
I also believe that we are all connected, that when it comes time, those we have met, those that are part of our lives, will be part of our lives again.
I will ask the Goddess to extend to you her warmth and make a note to remember your loss when Autumns equinox arrives and toast to your dad's passing Hallow's Eve as I have always done for those no longer with us.

Think of the joys and not of sadness in this time of remembrance of the past. The present will only cause you sorrow. But know that the future those that have enriched your life will forever be with you. Remember and Share.


< Message edited by Aszhrae -- 1/5/2009 9:43:38 PM >

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/5/2009 10:05:31 PM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline 		I lost my Dad on Thanksgiving last year. I understand what you're saying.... I find myself speaking about him daily. Right now, everything reminds me of him.

I live every day loving my father just as I loved him before he passed, maybe even more. Time has helped me with the hurt and sadness.
IMO It is very OK for you to speak of those you've lost, some people find it uncomfortable, but for me, I love talking about him, after all, he was and will always be the first man I ever loved.

I wish you comfort in your time of loss.

girly

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 4:05:37 AM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		Petah, i am so sorry to hear about your losses, everyone will say the same thing to you that time is a great healer, however, you and you alone are the only one who can give yourself time.  i lost my mother two and half years ago and some times are harder than others, but the intense pain lessens and then the good stuff about that person comes flooding back.  i had nightmares every night for 18 months, but they are lessening too.  Remember that no one has the right to tell you the right way to grieve, there is only your way.  Also, ask for help when you need it.  i didn't and my friends thought i was coping incredibly well (my husband left me two days before she passed so it was a tough week), that was a mistake...

hugs and love

gabrielle x

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 5:45:48 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..

I lost my mother in 2005, and I spent the better part of a year and a half afterwards doing alot of crying, alot of hating of those living, and alot of questioning God in general for allowing all this pain and suffering. A few times I think I even directed it my mother as well. I was very fortunate to have had Master with me towards her end and they were able to meet, and her still give that motherly eye glare to him that he better take care of me but Master through it all has been a great source of comfort and understanding and for that I'm thankful.

Our relationship ..mother/self was more of a jokester/trickster type, and I eventually latched onto that aspect to help me get past all those feelings, and I now just make jokes about her (like the 1 eyed flying purple eater staring down at me due to her having lost an eye to cancer many years before the cancer started up in her liver and took her). I do have moments of crying and a sense of loss from time to time but thats directed more at the loss of her grandchildren not being able to spend time with her.

Time alone is the great source to allow travel through all the feelings.

Adding on: At times also for what it's worth..I will privately in my head talk to her. It helps me.

starshine

< Message edited by starshineowned -- 1/6/2009 5:50:13 AM >

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 7:40:51 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		 


I've only experienced the death of a husband, not a parent. I've watched my spogs get through it though. All I can say is that it was torturous and painful for them. They sufferered in a different way to me.

The answer to *living with it* is that we just did.... as there wasn't anything other than that. Having 4 sprogs meant having to put one foot in front of the other, for me, at the time, but I can't yet imagine losing my Mum or Dad.

That old cliche of *time is a great healer* is true but it's no comfort during, in any way. In fact, I felt quite venomous toward anyone that said it to me at the time.

I remember sitting in the car one day with one of my utterly bereft sons and assuring him that ONE day he'd be able to think of his Dad without it hurting like it did right that moment. I'm not sure who I was convincing, but I knew it was true. A year later , he said * Mum, you were right*. It was one of the few moments when I really was thankful that my words rang true.

Basically, it was go to bed, wake up, go to bed, wake up.....nothing helped other than that.

I hope you find some peace in the future.

agirl





< Message edited by agirl -- 1/6/2009 7:41:28 AM >

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 8:03:00 AM   
ItalianSMistress


Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline 		I am not sure if you lost your first husband also, or just your parents.  Both are hard.  I lost my father when I was 15, we were very close and I still miss him dearly.  I think about him all the time.  My mother died on 2003 and that was hard, but we had a lot of bad blood between us, so it was different than the loss of my father.  Even though much more time has passed, I still find the loss of my father harder to deal with.  You will never forget them, but you must learn to live without them, that is, of course, what they would want for you.  I also lost my wife this past March.  Even though at the time of her death we were separated and battling for custody I was with her a long time and it was a great lose to my family, esp our daughter.  I took some time away from life and just focused on my family that IS here.  That is what is best, and what your passed on love ones would want for you, and the ones you love that are still here....I hope you are feeling better soon....

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 9:01:22 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I do hope that you will not give up and will find a way to get through until some healing is found.  At the moment, my sister is laying in a hospital bed... lost... on a feeding tube they should never have put in.  They should have let her go.  I lost my mother in the same way and it took eight long years before her body gave out.  I know I have the same illness but will hopefully do better as I am doing things differently than they did.

I do know your pain.  Relationships can be difficult and lost if someone regards your mourning process as somehow too lengthy or wrong somehow.  Double blow.  When the tough came about, the not so tough got going.  I am very sorry you have had this happen.

If mourning takes a very long time, I might suggest a friend or some help with it all.  Sometimes we do hang on longer than is healthy for us and sometimes a friend or group or one on one help can help to bring us through.  I really hope you will find your way, but right now things are very freash for you... give yourself and it all... a bit of grace and time.  Hang in there!

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 11:02:18 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I lived through my brother's death, my father's death, my child's death and my husband's death one day at a time. Time does heal, and it never amazes me of its' healing powers. In the mean time we cry and we go through the cycles of mourning. Do not let anyone shame you for doing so. Do know time is your best friend.

I am so sorry for you lost.

Bright blessings,
oceanwynds

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 11:32:24 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
Two days before my marriage, I lost my father to cancer. Two years following that, my husband passed away; 8 months later my oldest sister, 3 months later my only brother was killed overseas; 7 months later my mother passed away, and two days after her, the man who I always called my second father ( my dad’s best friend ) passed away.

I am not going to blow sunshine up your ass by saying that time heals all wounds, even those left by death, because it really doesn’t. All we can do is learn to live with pain. The decision you have to make is whether or not to let the pain control you.

If you let the pain control you, you will never find a way past this.

Grieve, cry, scream, break things….do whatever you have to do to get past this…but don’t let it control you.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 11:45:30 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...All we can do is learn to live with pain. The decision you have to make is whether or not to let the pain control you...


Amen to that, IrishMist.
 
this slave has one parent left.  it has been almost 13 years, but the wound is still there, just scabbed over, over time.
 
there have been and will be certain times, throughout the years, that something picks the scab off and it is an open wound again, but this slave doesn't let it control her.
 
the good memories of the sweet times, the way he made everyone laugh...pulls this slave out of the funk.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 11:48:36 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Good Gawd, Irish...I'm so sorry. And to the rest, who know what it's like to lose someone.

How do I cope?

I try to honor the person who left us, by remembering the good things, and the not so good.
By realizing that we will see each other again, and that they would want me to live and enjoy life, just as they did.
By crying when I have to, but remembering that they really want me to be happy.
By talking to them, and about them; never forgetting who they were, and helping others to remember that also.

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 12:28:04 PM   
mozartsfuneral


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline 		i've lost many many people who i loved dearly over the course of 8 years in my 20 years on this planet. I still feel the pain like it was yesterday...
if you need to scream...scream...if you need to cry...cry...if you need to punch a pillow then punch a pillow. But don't hold in your emotions.
Don't be ashamed if you randomly breakdown and cry. It's natural. You're in a state of mourning.


I wish you the best and i'm sorry for your loss.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 12:52:41 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		  I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother 10 Dec 2003. The longing for her company ebbs and flows like the tide.

The raw edges will heal in time. Eventually the acute sting will be gone, and you will be able to remember the good memories too.  Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 2:25:19 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		OP...i am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my daughter, husband, mother and dad within a 5 year time frame. The only advice i can give you is to accept your type of grieving  as normal. There is no right or wrong way to morn the loss of those you loved. Cry, scream and cuss if you are so inclined. I cursed my husband up one side and down the other when he died, dispite the fact that i loved him beyond reason. Then i gave God hell...
All that bellowing served a purpose...it allowed the anger to fade enough for me to see it was nothing more than a smoke screen covering the real issues and pain. It was then that the healing began.

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 1/6/2009 2:32:49 PM >

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 2:25:26 PM   
bratnwranglers


Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline 		not sure if i can tell you how to deal with it, but i can tell you what no to do...

my Father was killed in a farming accident when i was 12, and i found Him... being that young, i didn't handle it well, i refused to talk about it, refused to let anyone touch me (hugs), i thought and completely believed that tears were a sign of weakness, something i had to avoid at all costs, because i was the oldest, had to be strong for the rest of the family. i also blamed myself for His death. It became a subject that was completely avoided at all costs, the elephant in the room.

fast forward 12 years later, my family just started talking about it this year (2008)...found out both of my brothers also blamed theirselves for his death. We have come a long way this year with it, cryed a lot of tears, probably more this year then the last ten combined. and we are getting there, i still do blame myself, but working on that one... i guess my advice is...don't let it be quiet, lean on those around you, don't be afraid to ask for help, and cry your heart out, mourn for them, then you will have a peace about it, keeping it all inside, it will eat away at you forever... don't do it, it's not worth it, trust me.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 2:41:04 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I've been to over 300 funerals so far.  Everyone in my family is dead and everyone I have ever loved aside from Doug.

I have one brother left...and his children in my somewhat immediate family.  There is nothing wrong with talking about your family.

I tend to feel we are all connected somehow.  Even in death, like they never really leave us.  In fact they never do as long as we remember
them in our hearts.  They live forever.  I dream of mom/dad and my siblings often.  While dreaming we have wonderful conversations.  To me, this is the way they come to us when we need them.

Apparently your father was ill for a while before he left his body behind.  He is better off without his body.  He has no more pain.  Someday you will join him..so it isn't goodbye it's so long.  See you again when I can.
Believing this way does help to cope with the loss. 
You can also remember them via sites like this one  when I buried mom and dad the cemetery threw it in for me.  Whenever I'm missing them...I log on...look at their photo's and remember. 

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 2:55:19 PM   
Dewolfsslave


Posts: 31
Status: offline 		Petah, I can't begin to tell you how much sorrow hearing of your losses brings. You sound like such a beautiful, strong woman, and I know how devastated I would be feeling in your place right now. Later this week will be the 12th anniversary of my mother's passing. At the time, I was 3000 miles from home, trapped in an abusive marriage - I thank the gods she never knew that. I had planned to leave, with my children, later that year. Instead I had to choose whether to come home to say goodbye to her and risk staying at least another year in an intolerable situation, or to never see her again. I brought my daughter, her first and long awaited granddaughter back to see her one last time, and trusted that I would have another chance to get free. My mother couldn't move by then, but her eyes followed my baby girl as she crawled around the room, and she whispered to my father, 'Oh, D....., she's beautiful,' and I hoped and prayed that I had made the right choice. The chance to see her again is one I have never regretted, and the happy memories I have of when she was well are the more precious for having had the chance to say goodbye. She's always nearby, in my thoughts, and in my heart, and I do talk about her often to friends and family, and sometimes I feel her smile warm my heart as though she knows that while she is still missed, she is loved no less than when she was with us. All she ever wanted was for us to be happy, and to do the right thing by those whose paths we cross in life. My siblings and I have tried to follow her example, and to teach our own children to be as brave,honourable, unselfish and compassionate as she was. The worls is a poorer place for her loss, but all who knew her are immeasurably richer for the love which shone out of her every day. Don't give up. Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things we ever have to do. Give yourself whatever time and space you need to to grieve, get angry, however you need to deal with it. But when you are ready, the hurt will fade and you will treasure the memories instead of being hurt by them, and remember the happy times with a smile.

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RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 2:56:39 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		there is always a hole left by a death, but i have learned to do a couple things that help me cope with this hole. One is I built an ancestor altar where i light candles in memory of them, along with pictures. Another thing, and this might creep some out, is i will pour a cup of coffee/or any other beverage for the one(s) i am missing a lot and sit it on the table across from me, then i will just sit and pour my heart out to them. This helps me a lot and even feel close again to them for a few.

Time does help, we move further away from the beginning of the pain, though we never forget.

oceanwynds

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Quiet (Death of a Parent) - 1/6/2009 3:27:40 PM   
MRandme


Posts: 661
Joined: 9/24/2007
Status: offline 		i have not, thank all that is holy, lost my mother yet. my father i haven't spoken to in over a decade so i have no idea. But i have buried two sons, at different times.

Don't suppress your grief -- let it out! Write down those memories that come back to you. Be angry that you lost someone special to you, it's okay. Join a support group, they are out there and your hospital or social services office can help you find one. Cry, even if it is in the shower.

The important thing is to continue to take care of yourself. Eat even if you don't feel like it. Make sure to take a walk or do whatever exercise feels right for you (is a great way to let out that stress building up). Sleep. Your loved one would not be happy to see you get ill from neglecting your body's.

If you really feel that you are not moving past your grief or can't get past it, get counseling. my surviving son has been in counseling for the past year and it has made all the difference in the world for him.

One thing i have hated is when people say to me "oh, you are so strong!" It wasn't strength, it was endurance. It was getting out of bed when i didn't want to and taking care of what needed to be done for that day, focusing on what was in front of me and (cliche warning) taking life one day at a time.

i am very sorry for your loss and i wish you healing and the ease that passing time brings. We never fully heal from the loss of those important to us, but we can accept the pain until it fades enough that we can find joy to balance it.

peace,

g



_____________________________

And thus i conclude with a wish you go well,
Sweet be your dreams, may your happiness swell,
I'll leave you here, for my journey begins
i've gone to be with Him again...

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 20
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