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RE: Looking for advice - 1/4/2006 11:49:32 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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quote:

Man, I gotta tell ya... in My own opinion, websites are the last place to really learn about this lifestyle.

I don't see this the same way. Because you are new, you want to learn the, er, ropes and avoid hurting and getting hurt in real life until you become comfortable and confident.

Therefore, I see on-line as a good place to start, both in reading the posts and also in chatting with the ladies. Try some cybersex scenes first, and they'll tell you what you're doing, right and wrong. Better to piss of someone who hasn't met you, if that unfortunately happens.

You also might meet a sub who is also trying to become comfortable. I used to know a woman who was badly abused, confusing abuse with mastery. It took her months and months, but she wanted to explore her sub side and finally came out of her shell, met someone, and went for there.

You 1st experience might not work out, and if you're typical, many more might not work out. Eventually one will.

Be honest, just as you've done here. Let people know you need guidance.

(in reply to RainGod)

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Post #: 21

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 5:53:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio
Therefore, I see on-line as a good place to start, both in reading the posts and also in chatting with the ladies. Try some cybersex scenes first, and they'll tell you what you're doing, right and wrong. Better to piss of someone who hasn't met you, if that unfortunately happens.

I am of the "all information helps" camp. And obviously I'm online a lot so I think there's a lot of merit to it.

That being said, information does NOT transfer into good knowledge and certainly not into experience. There is a quality of real life experience that no amount of online will give you. And with all the immense crap there is online, going offline is sometimes the best way to remove the veil.

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Post #: 22

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 7:25:02 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

Not a master, but I can give 1 more bit of help here in this one.

-Get the other team's playbook!!!

OK, Look up sites meant especially for submissives. Some will be silly, unrealistic, some will give you big insight into what is going on inside of those sweet little heads<g>. Sort it out yourself - Ask when you can.

- Don't just look at X porn sites (not that you do... or that there is anything wrong with it, remember it is entertainment. Must add: you will see some useful moves, but... would you go to a vanilla theater film on a subject and then think you were an expert? Nah! Of course not.)

-Cybersex will not help you in RL, perhaps the opposite.

- Yes, get out in the world.!!!!

Please (no offense meant here) don't even think for a minute you can be lazy or just skate by. The work to be done.. is on you. There is no shortcut, but it is a fun trip.

Be well :)

< Message edited by Fawne -- 1/5/2006 7:26:53 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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Post #: 23

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 8:55:38 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

I might consider changing your handle. At least to me, it gives a pretty negative first impression.

Best, best luck to you!

Outstanding idea! I can certainly see where a screen name might interfere with one's ability to learn. j/k

Perhaps I could change Mine to Arnold Puppybreath....

I wasn't trying to be an ass here, nor saying something just for the sake of criticizing.

I find that online, because of the nature of the beast, we -are- judged by what we choose to name ourselves. I find, too, that many of the same prejudices I have in real life transfer to the net. I would be uncomfortable with someone who introdcued him/herself that way to me face to face. I'm similarly turned off by someone who choose that as his/her handle.

Like someone said in the Ask A Mistress section, it's like using a job description instead of a personal description. I feel the same way about handles like Cocksuka4U.

~shrug~ Personal preference. Thought it might be useful to express the way the name comes accross to some people.

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Post #: 24

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 12:29:45 PM

RainGod

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio

I don't see this the same way. Because you are new, you want to learn the, er, ropes and avoid hurting and getting hurt in real life until you become comfortable and confident.

Could it be possible that a better approach would be to learn in a real life setting without hands-on play? Possibly watching others doing a demo... or by asking others to show you techniques....

quote:

Therefore, I see on-line as a good place to start, both in reading the posts and also in chatting with the ladies.

Nothing wrong with any of that. I believe I said some of the stuff on some websites is solid info... you just gotta know how to glean the good info from out of the rest of the horse-hockey.

quote:

Try some cybersex scenes first, and they'll tell you what you're doing, right and wrong. Better to piss of someone who hasn't met you, if that unfortunately happens.

Hmmmm... I have been wanting to be a pilot. Maybe playing a video game will be enough training to suffice.
How would you possibly learn anything from cybersex? Well, maybe you might learn mental masturbation... but I don't get how it will qualify you to play with someone in the real.

quote:

You also might meet a sub who is also trying to become comfortable. I used to know a woman who was badly abused, confusing abuse with mastery. It took her months and months, but she wanted to explore her sub side and finally came out of her shell, met someone, and went for there.

ummmmm....no thanks. I amy be wierd or something, but My idea of a good submissive to be with is someone who is stable and comfortable in herself and in who and what she has chosen to be. But then again... that's just Me. I could be wrong.

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Post #: 25

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 6:15:52 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Get the other team's playbook!!!

Good point, fawne.

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Post #: 26

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 6:22:03 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Hmmmm... I have been wanting to be a pilot. Maybe playing a video game will be enough training to suffice.

That's exactly right, at least to start. Jet pilots fly and crash in simulators long before they're allowed in a real craft. The DoD spends a fortune on flight, tank, and other simulators.

quote:

I believe I said some of the stuff on some websites is solid info... you just gotta know how to glean the good info from out of the rest of the horse-hockey.

Dead on right, dood.

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Post #: 27

RE: Looking for advice - 1/5/2006 6:40:40 PM

sultryvoice

Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

By the time I got on here...all the good stuff was spoken for....

Read online, read books, find that group in your town...ask questions, find a mentor, go to demos...I can't say anything much different than has already been said..Also, I would change the handle..

Respectfully,
sultry

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Post #: 28

RE: Looking for advice - 1/7/2006 6:33:50 AM

Burninglash

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: South Africa
Status: offline

Yes online can be a good source of info.. the problem is as a newbie how do you know which is good info? You need some experience to be able to recognise the difference. Yes do read up online, yes do go to munches and other training events. Go to conferences go to BDSM clubs, gather as much info as you can. As with in anything in life the quality of the training is also a reflection of the quality of the teacher. When you are in the real world and you see something that strikes you as really good go over and ask. (NB .. wait till the scene and aftercare is over first. Nothing worse than some one pestering you in the middle of some intense intimacy)

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Post #: 29

RE: Looking for advice - 1/7/2006 11:48:39 PM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
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Trial and error...just don't kill anyone or do anything else to get arrested....oh, and you can do most of what the other folks said...but it all takes time.....if it's really in you, it'll work it's way out.

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Post #: 30

RE: Looking for advice - 1/14/2006 10:06:44 AM

wiccawolf

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

Hey all -

I'm fairly new to all this too, new to the more 'formal' lifestyle - my interest was peaked during a relationship that just become D/s, it was so natural and the transition was so smooth that I didn't even realise it was so D/s until she started to point it out and how comfortable it was for us both. It was like clockwork, so I guess I was lucky in that respect - but due to circumstance, it could not last that long. But it DID intensely wake something up inside of me, this dominant side, and I ended up really researching it and meeting people into the 'scene'. After alot of book-reading, online reading, and a few people that I met - I realised that the first step (for me anyway, I'm not sure if this is the way it usually goes) - I had to REALLY introspect and find my true will. It wasn't as much about learning 'how to' at first, but much more, 'who am I really?' and 'what do I want, truely?'. Then, 'how do I truely want a relationship', and how I want the interaction to go. I found, more and more, how unique each experience is, how unique each 'dom' and 'sub' can be, and how wildly different each dynamic is when finding a submissive that yearns to submit to you. There always does seem to be this mystical archetype model on the 'right' way to do all this and how a typical dom should act, it is illusive, and I'm not sure it even exists for real. I know many subs tend to seek that same archetype in a Dom, so, maybe there is something to it, I am not really sure - hence, yeah, I'm still pretty new to all this. What I have realised so far is that - I just need to 'be' - work on skills, yes, learn techniques, yes, and absorb influence from people with experience - but not try to change who I am or what I want. Now the tricky part I suppose it to find that compatible sub. Lol.

My two cents...

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Post #: 31

RE: Looking for advice - 1/14/2006 10:46:26 AM

sorriah

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/24/2004
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Sir,
this is coming from a subbie's point of view. The way she was taught its like children, it don't really come with a hand book. W/we A/all have beliefs and dreams of how it should be. There is a lot of great reading on the internet, but may i suggest munch groups in Your area. Thedsgarden.com has a wonderful reading section. Lots of great people at the site as well. be well stay safe and God Bless

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Post #: 32

RE: Looking for advice - 1/14/2006 1:10:19 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

yeah..
offsite is 100% better IF Ya can, Sir.

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Post #: 33