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Finally posting... questions about progressing the rela... - 1/8/2009 1:13:06 PM

gbperv

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

So i've lurked for a while and finally decided to ask some questions...

Happily married to a beautiful, smart woman, we have great sex and have done a fair bit of swinging. Over the past year that aspect has diminished somewhat although we still do some exhibitionist type activities. Our sex life is good and energetic, with her quite submissive, and s/m is often part of the play.

What I'm having trouble with is figuring out how to bring that D/S dynamic into the relationship more in general, as well as cementing it in the sexual side of things. Also, I miss the swinging, which was usually HER getting crammed by several guys including me... so I suppose theres a bit of a cuckold in my makeup.

I know the core lies in good communication, as every part of a relationship does, but what I'm questioning is how realistic my expectations are, and are they worth potential damage to the relationship. In many aspects of our relationship I am not dominant and don't want to be... we meet as equals and it is good, but I want more 'spice'.

I'm having a really hard time expressing this... i guess im just wondering - is BDSM really the right path or am I just kind of a porn-damaged perv?

Is there a good way to broach the subject with her out in the open, that is, making things a bit more formal? Or should I just initiate things more forcefully (obviously stopping if she is truly unhappy) and gauge her reaction?

I hope this makes some sense... any help?

Post #: 1

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 1:31:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The fact that you can't even write a decent post about it says you aren't really sure where you are now, so I definitely don't recommend pushing in any particular direction.

But I do recommend just having conversations with your wife- what's good for her, what isn't, what does she think about kinky stuff, what changes does she feel? It's your relationship together, so involve her from the start.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 2

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 1:33:07 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Well, how long have you been married/together? That would be my first question to you. If it's something like 15 years or whatever, I don't think you'll have much to worry about by approaching the subject with her. Openness and Honesty are the cornerstones of any good relationship. If it's only been a short while, you may need a bit more tact than just coming right out with it and asking. But, either way, the best way to approach it, is to sit down and talk with her about it. What's the worst she can say? "No."? In that case, no loss from where you are right now. If she says "Yes.", then it's like a bonus. :) As far as gauging her reaction, well, if you know her well enough to marry her, I don't think I'd worry too much about that, you'll probably manage that part just fine.

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(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 3

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:17:03 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Oh I say LA, that was a bit rough don't you think? Not everyone writes as well as you do unless of course you know the wroiting abilities of the OP.

OP, I agree with BKSir in things may depend on the time you have been married, and I also completely agree with both LA and BKSir about open discussions. Good open, frank, clear and honest communications, including listening should be at the core of all decisions or new ventures couples make.. Sounds to me that you have most things together so I don't immagine there will be any issues especially if you take things easy..

_____________________________

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 4

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:20:59 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I would add to the communication advice reading up on stuff, working out what you actually want when you broach the subject with her so she knows what it is that she is talking about.

How would you talk to her about anything thats on your mind? thats how you should talk to her about this, we cant really know the best way for you to talk to your wife, you know better than most what makes her tick, use your knowledge to facilitate the discussion

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Post #: 5

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:23:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It wasn't the style of writing, it was the entire thought stream.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 6

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:31:06 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

gb,

While yes, you've received some harsh replies, I have to say in all honesty that my first take is that your wife is running the show, yet you want to be the Dominant. Consequently, you're trying to solve a different situation than the one that is the case, and that will consistently lead to frustration.

Personally, I'd say read at least some of the Gor books for a new perspective, but I'm sure other non-Gor men will have some ideas themselves. But as it stands, you are whipped, looking for a D/s solution.

There isn't one. You must choose.

(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 7

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:52:42 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

*FR*
I think perhaps some simple light bondage games which even vanilla folk often seem to enjoy is how you want to start. Maybe a little spanking or rough play might be in order too. Or if those things are still too overt then rent some films with a BDSM theme and watch them together and talk about them.

What you need to do is to find out how she feels about D/s. Since many folk have a knee-jerk reaction when they here the terms normally associated with it, you need a more subtle way to approach the subject so that you do not risk a wall coming up purely out of reflex action. At this point it is unclear if you are dominant or submissive or switch nor have you even mentioned which side of the kneel your partner might prefer. I do not think you really know yet. You need to find these things out first. You cannot make D/s a more integral part of your dynamic without knowing where you stand and where your partner stands in this regard.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 8

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 2:55:13 PM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Our sex life is good and energetic, with her quite submissive, and s/m is often part of the play.

Some girls only submit in the bedroom. You can ask...as play first..if she wants to submit outside also.
And then you can go to the next step. Or..just accept how it is, because she doesn't want more.

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 9

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 3:00:56 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

gb,

While yes, you've received some harsh replies, I have to say in all honesty that my first take is that your wife is running the show, yet you want to be the Dominant. Consequently, you're trying to solve a different situation than the one that is the case, and that will consistently lead to frustration.

Personally, I'd say read at least some of the Gor books for a new perspective, but I'm sure other non-Gor men will have some ideas themselves. But as it stands, you are whipped, looking for a D/s solution.

There isn't one. You must choose.

What is it with Goreans and gender? This assumption that men should be dominant and women submissive has to be the most dated and well, simply put, wrong idea that has come out of Gor (well that and the Caste system, ugh). At no point in th OP's post does he mention wanting to be the dominant party. It is D/s that he finds intriguing. Probably he would rather be the sub, but you seem to just overlook that completely, call him 'whipped' and suggest he read the Gor books. I sometimes wonder if there is any hope for the Gorean tradition to evolve beyond these limitations. It's a pity, too, because aside from those things it seems to have a lot to offer.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 10

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 3:26:58 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

It does but then it closely parallels many M/s people I know and there is a good similarity between the Gorean and Victorian Lifestyles which my transition from one to the other was so easy..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 11

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 3:55:51 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

gb,

While yes, you've received some harsh replies, I have to say in all honesty that my first take is that your wife is running the show, yet you want to be the Dominant. Consequently, you're trying to solve a different situation than the one that is the case, and that will consistently lead to frustration.

Personally, I'd say read at least some of the Gor books for a new perspective, but I'm sure other non-Gor men will have some ideas themselves. But as it stands, you are whipped, looking for a D/s solution.

There isn't one. You must choose.

What is it with Goreans and gender? This assumption that men should be dominant and women submissive has to be the most dated and well, simply put, wrong idea that has come out of Gor (well that and the Caste system, ugh). At no point in th OP's post does he mention wanting to be the dominant party. It is D/s that he finds intriguing. Probably he would rather be the sub, but you seem to just overlook that completely, call him 'whipped' and suggest he read the Gor books. I sometimes wonder if there is any hope for the Gorean tradition to evolve beyond these limitations. It's a pity, too, because aside from those things it seems to have a lot to offer.

Whoa there cowboy.

The OP himself said she was the submissive party. Take another look for yourself.

He could also pursue dentistry. I didn't think to mention that either.

I also indicated that others would have other advice, and that his current D/s solution search didn't seem promising.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 1/8/2009 4:00:27 PM >

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 12

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 4:04:09 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Whoa there cowboy.

The OP himself said she was the submissive party. Take another look for yourself.

He could also pursue dentistry. I didn't think to mention that either.

The fact that she has been submissive previously is not an indication that he wants to take a dominant role. He also said that he had a penchant for being cuckolded AND that he did not wish to be dominant. It is not what you failed to mention but what you chose to mention that I had difficulty with. Your statement that he was 'whipped' seems uncalled for. IMO only a misogynist would have gotten that impression from his post.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 13

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 4:11:36 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

MusicMystery and Maxwell67, hold the horses. here is highlited the OP showing that his wife is submissive, his enjoyment of cuckolding and him not being Dominant. No need for attacks or slurs on Gorean folk or personal infered attacks..

quote:

ORIGINAL: gbperv

So i've lurked for a while and finally decided to ask some questions...

Happily married to a beautiful, smart woman, we have great sex and have done a fair bit of swinging. Over the past year that aspect has diminished somewhat although we still do some exhibitionist type activities. Our sex life is good and energetic, with her quite submissive, and s/m is often part of the play.

What I'm having trouble with is figuring out how to bring that D/S dynamic into the relationship more in general, as well as cementing it in the sexual side of things. Also, I miss the swinging, which was usually HER getting crammed by several guys including me... so I suppose theres a bit of a cuckold in my makeup.

I know the core lies in good communication, as every part of a relationship does, but what I'm questioning is how realistic my expectations are, and are they worth potential damage to the relationship. In many aspects of our relationship I am not dominant and don't want to be... we meet as equals and it is good, but I want more 'spice'.

I'm having a really hard time expressing this... i guess im just wondering - is BDSM really the right path or am I just kind of a porn-damaged perv?

Is there a good way to broach the subject with her out in the open, that is, making things a bit more formal? Or should I just initiate things more forcefully (obviously stopping if she is truly unhappy) and gauge her reaction?

I hope this makes some sense... any help?

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 14

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 6:53:06 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The fact that you can't even write a decent post about it says you aren't really sure where you are now, so I definitely don't recommend pushing in any particular direction.

But I do recommend just having conversations with your wife- what's good for her, what isn't, what does she think about kinky stuff, what changes does she feel? It's your relationship together, so involve her from the start.

Does being obnoxious come naturally to you LA or do you work at it????????????????

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 8:17:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'm just as sweet as peach pie a la mode. Didn't realize that encouraging a husband to talk to his wife would be considered obnoxious...

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to scarlethiney)

Post #: 16

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/8/2009 11:39:05 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gbperv

Is there a good way to broach the subject with her out in the open, that is, making things a bit more formal? Or should I just initiate things more forcefully (obviously stopping if she is truly unhappy) and gauge her reaction?

If you want her consent to do this, and I feel this is important and necessary to have, I also feel you must have INFORMED consent. Saying, "Hey, I want to take this outside the bedroom," then expect her to be happy to eat off the floor isn't quite fair, in my mind.

I'd sit and spend some time, first, thinking about what this looks like in your mind. Write down some things that you want. Maybe you want her to be sexually available at all times...or to greet you at the door on her knees...or to take care of all the bills. It's your choice...then run the ideas by her.

Master Fire

_____________________________

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(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 17

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/10/2009 5:35:51 PM

gbperv

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for all the opinions, LA included - I certainly don't take any offense and I said in the OP that my ideas were not organized, thus my questions. Its a BDSM board, I don't expect all flowers and sunshine. Go read some web dev or programming message boards and see real nastiness. :)

To be honest in reading this board its clear there is a wide diversity of theories about relationship dynamics, which is expected, but what I have found odd is the perception of several established orthodoxies, none of which accept a lot of variation. I have very little respect for or interest in dogma, and I'm a little surprised at how much of it seems to be going in full force here. Hopefully I'm mistaken, but it looks like a lot of threads evolve into quite long flamewars over what I perceive as minor points, so I'll reiterate my status as a N00B to try to keep things constructive.

Other than Gor, would any of you recommend any good literature on the subject that really focuses on actual psychology, especially with a scientific approach? I ask because I feel I lack the real language and vocabulary to both define myself and our relationship as well as communicate here on the subject without crossing certain lines or creating confusion.

To clarify some, I'm not comfortable with the idea of being 100% dominant in the entire relationship. She certainly isn't either. At the same time, we don't want 80/20 or 50/50 in ALL things... but rather different dynamics depending on the situation.

That said, in a lot of aspects of our relationship, including sex, nothing would ever happen if I don't take control. It isnt a matter of her not having desires or ideas, but she is just, well... submissive. I enjoy the dominant role, and as for the 'cuckold' part, I probably should have clarified more - I enjoy seeing her sexuality on display, and her playing with other men/women. I enjoy the thought of her 'cuckolding' me... but the one aspect that doesn't come into my mind at all is the idea of my humiliation. If it were done in order to humiliate me I think I would dislike it immensely. The thought comes more from an appreciation of her sexual appetite, etc.

We've been married for 2 years, together for 6. Open communication has never been a real problem, especially once we started with swinging. Obviously we'll have some sort of discussion about if/how we move forward, I'm just trying to do it in a way that isn't overly broad or inaccurate. She's a lawyer, I'm a programmer, so we both have pretty analytical minds and can sometimes 'miss the forest for the trees'. I'm not worried about her being upset at the ideas initially, but she's the kind of person that stews on things and can make a mountain out of a molehill, so I want to make sure I'm not moving too fast and ignoring important details.

< Message edited by gbperv -- 1/10/2009 5:44:11 PM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 18

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/11/2009 12:49:11 PM

gbperv

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline

We talked some last night, I told her I'd like to make some new rules about her wardrobe around the house, after work, etc. She agreed, and this morning mentioned how she "likes the new rules". Its a start!

(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 19

RE: Finally posting... questions about progressing the ... - 1/11/2009 1:34:11 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Points to MasterFireMaam's book list link, nothing we can say here about good books to read will better that list. Im a fan of the topping and bottoming books personally but it depends what you are after.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to gbperv)

Post #: 20

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