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RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:45:48 PM

scarlethiney

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

quote:

For those who say they told their spouse and their spouse was disgusted by it, hey, at least you actually had the balls to come out with it and try, kudos.

In that situation.....if the partner..kinda says no.....is that really make you gonna feel better?

*Giving sideways head confused puppy look* What does it have to do with feeling better or worse? I do not understand. That did not even cross my mind when I posted. It had nothing to do with anyone feeling better or worse at all.

My thinking is that if someone is important enough to you that you choose to marry them and spend your life with them (even if down the road it doesn't work out for whatever reasons) then don't they deserve that honesty from you, to know how you feel and if your wants and needs have changed so they have the information and opportunity to make their own choices and decisions with as much relevent info as possible? If you don't talk to them about it openly and honestly then how do you know they have no interest in it or are turned off or disgusted by it when you never gave them the chance? There are those who say they "can't" tell their spouse for those exact reasons listed and yet if they never told then how can they honestly know that for sure?

Perfectly put Sarijane thanks!

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RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:50:14 PM

SassySarijane

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

My thinking is that if someone is important enough to you that you choose to marry them and spend your life with them (even if down the road it doesn't work out for whatever reasons) then don't they deserve that honesty from you, to know how you feel and if your wants and needs have changed so they have the information and opportunity to make their own choices and decisions with as much relevent info as possible? If you don't talk to them about it openly and honestly then how do you know they have no interest in it or are turned off or disgusted by it when you never gave them the chance? There are those who say they "can't" tell their spouse for those exact reasons listed and yet if they never told then how can they honestly know that for sure?

I think that many people do know how their partner feels. If they are disgusted by a Madonna video with her in dominatrix outfit and say "people who like that stuff ought to be thrown in jail" then you don't need to say "Hey, I'm one of those people". Because they already have told you how they feel. I'd be surprised if almost everyone hasn't seen a video or commercial with some bondage or s & m stuff. And if your partner has made it clear they look upon this with disfavor, then why would you assume saying "But I want to do that" would magically get a different answer?

I never stated anywhere in my posts that telling your spouse "But I want to do that" was going to magically get a different answer. It's not. It's going to get the answer they give when you talk to them and ask them. If they matter enough to marry, don't they matter enough to keep the lines of communication open, to have the opportunity to know what you want and need and to decide for themselves whether they can handle it or not?

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Post #: 62

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:53:31 PM

beargonewild

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

My thinking is that if someone is important enough to you that you choose to marry them and spend your life with them (even if down the road it doesn't work out for whatever reasons) then don't they deserve that honesty from you, to know how you feel and if your wants and needs have changed so they have the information and opportunity to make their own choices and decisions with as much relevent info as possible? If you don't talk to them about it openly and honestly then how do you know they have no interest in it or are turned off or disgusted by it when you never gave them the chance? There are those who say they "can't" tell their spouse for those exact reasons listed and yet if they never told then how can they honestly know that for sure?

I think that many people do know how their partner feels. If they are disgusted by a Madonna video with her in dominatrix outfit and say "people who like that stuff ought to be thrown in jail" then you don't need to say "Hey, I'm one of those people". Because they already have told you how they feel. I'd be surprised if almost everyone hasn't seen a video or commercial with some bondage or s & m stuff. And if your partner has made it clear they look upon this with disfavor, then why would you assume saying "But I want to do that" would magically get a different answer?

Yet quite often when person expresses a reaction such as you gave, it indicates that their perception is mainly from music videos and such. Saying "but I enjoy that and want to do that" will shed a different perspective to the other person where they would stop and reconsider that maybe my knowledge isn't as accurate as I thought? From what i see, most who have a warped sense of BDSM is because they only seen what is shown in music videos and in movies which paint a very inaccurate picture of what we know and use in our lives. Having the proper and correct knowledge dispels the falseness and the inaccurate portrayal of Masters and Dominatrices as well as submissives, slaves and every other role in between. I wouldn't discount being open about one's desires to a spouse, the trick is doing so in a tactful way that leads to further open and honest discussion before deciding yea or nay.

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Post #: 63

RE: Good intentions? - 1/12/2009 8:51:03 AM

Decadentpleasure

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This is the reason i simply love background checks. Life is too short to have to deal with those that feel it necessary to be deceitful, no matter how well intentioned it is. Granted i understand there may be situations in which a D or s may not be able to tell their significant nilla other of their predilections..but that has always made me wonder: if they're going to lie to their spouse, what will they lie to me about? Then i have to repeat my mantra: Life is too short!

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RE: Good intentions? - 1/12/2009 9:02:42 AM

JustDarkness

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Thank you for explaining. I sure did misunderstood :P

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RE: Good intentions? - 1/12/2009 9:08:36 AM

Amaros

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Personally, I prefer to keep things on the level in any relationship, as I prefer to minimize the resentment and drama that results if things do eventually go sideways.

Some people seem to thrive on that, I've got better things to do.

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RE: Good intentions? - 1/12/2009 9:19:27 AM

SassySarijane

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Thank you for explaining. I sure did misunderstood :P

No problem, you are most welcome. I probably wasn't as clear as I could have been when I posted. I was tired and that makes my brain work more oddly than it usually does lol.

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RE: Good intentions? - 1/12/2009 12:17:26 PM

thefallenfruit

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When I was interested in finding someone here, one of my stipulations are "no married men." That's alot of drama that I really don't have time for. And I speak from experience, I was with a married man once and even though he is an amazing guy...at the end of the day I knew it was wrong.

I really REALLY try not to judge people, but if this person can be dishonest to someone they've pledged their life with until death do they part, why should this person be any more honest about a committment he makes to me.
I've been cheated on...and I've also cheated out of vindictiveness, and it's just a huge headache. I remember when someone once told me they hated cheating because it takes away choice. You're sneaking behind my back to do something, and I (generally speaking of course) don't have a say when it directly effects my life...I don't get to say whether this is okay...or not.

I think it's a shitty thing to do...and I'd rather not go there with someone. There are those who's spouses know what they do and are okay with it...yet even in those situations, I don't want any parts of you. I'm extremely selfish and I can't share.

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Post #: 68