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RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 7:24:13 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think the answers to your questions are within the four "facts" you offered about this person.

Because he does not see different individual women but only "strong woman" why wouldn't dominant women see submissive men that same objectifying way?

Because he's gotten most of his ideas from porn and let's be honest a lot of porn still has the entire generic flavor to it, focused on "abuse" and "sex" not really on Ds or relationships.

Now talking with you and I'd hope getting into various offline and non-paid-for activities might challenge what's he's known previously but he has to be open to learning as well.

If this is the first time you've encountered this way of thinking, then you've been either lucky or I've just talked to a lot more men about this all...

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 8:07:59 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		When I was a Domme I chose subs that were not looking for a strong commitment to me.  While I was not cold and heartless, and actually took a lot of time to work with them and make sure that I was helping to fulfill a fantasy, I was not looking for a long term relationship.  There are a lot of men that were very happy with that arrangement.  I can see where it would be easy for someone new to the lifestyle to feel that there were hundreds of men lined up for each Domme and that he could never mean much to one. 

When I decided to switch and become a slave I carried this thinking with me.  I was shocked when my Master told me that he adored me, and that over a fairly short period of time could see that it was working into an LTR.  I assumed that he would keep himself as aloof as I had.  Even after he told me that he would never be the one to walk away from the relationship but it would be my decision (unless there was flagrant disrespect and no more obedience) it still took some time for that to sink in.  He is a poly Master and I just saw myself as one of the subs standing in his line. 

I believe that the sub's feelings could easily be genuine from my experience on both sides of the whip.  I would rather see someone like that than a sub who feels that he is the answer to a Domme's every dream.  He will be much more trainable and even small signs of affection will put him in seventh heaven.


_____________________________



(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 1:50:34 PM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

MistressAinCT wrote:
Some men want to explore BDSM but they don't want to go to or pay a ProDomme.  I think many look on collarme for the FREEBIES they can get here.  Their profiles usually read "Not a financial slave" or some such nonsense.

Allow me to translate into ordinary English.  `Not a financial slave' means, `If you are a woman, probably in your early twenties, who believes that "domination" means "having guys send you money and occasionally telling them that they're pathetic losers with small cocks who can't get a date," don't bother contacting me.'  It's not nonsense at all.

beeble.

(in reply to MistressAinCT)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 1:57:43 PM   
MistressAinCT


Posts: 205
Joined: 2/21/2004
Status: offline 		Every relationship whether it be vanilla or BDSM D/s has some financial responsibility attached to it-dinner, lunch, gifts.  Seems I have spent more money on slaves at times than they have on Me.  And believe it or not, some men DO pay for humilation and as long as they do, there will be 20 year olds looking for sugar daddies. 

I think the point that poster was making is that they use this collarme site to hunt for free scenes, sessions or whatever with no attachment (wham bam kinda thing) or responsibility.  Not even a meal.  Let's face it, there are people here who  just love to play and want nothing more so why not go fishing?  Nothing wrong with that as long as there is consent between two (or more) people involved.  Unfortunately, that is not always the case and someone winds up hurt and feeling abused/used and NOT in a good way.  And many times its the Dominant.

I think its just a warning, don't you?

_____________________________

When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow www.mobiusmetals.webs.com

So many toys-so little flesh...

(in reply to beeble)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 2:08:41 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
 . . .he's expressed that he is not ready for a D/s relationship, has way too much to learn and understand before he commits to someone . . .
 
If you think he's sincere about that learning and understanding, I'd suggest you direct him right here to this forum.  I've picked up shedloads of knowledge here both about others, and myself.
I agree that "I need to learn before committing to a relationship" usually means can you play with me, but don't get any ideas about a relationship.
I always direct people here when they approach me for "can you help me or teach me, etc." My interest in wiitwd is absolutely about forming symbiotic relationships, not finding how kinky sex can get or with how many boys. M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 2:31:22 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1
I agree that "I need to learn before committing to a relationship" usually means can you play with me, but don't get any ideas about a relationship.


Yup.  My attitude is, come back when you've learnt, then.  If I'd wanted to teach I would have stayed in academia.  I'm reminded of an old bumper-sticker that said, "Gas, Grass or Ass:  Nobody Rides Free"  (Obviously, this doesn't work so well in British English:  "Petrol, Cannabis or Arse" just doesn't have the same ring to it).  If you want NSA playtime, go rent a pro-domme.

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 4:54:16 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I need to learn before committing to a relationship . . . was the literal truth for me, M.  It could, just possibly, be the same for the man under discussion here, too.  I'm damned glad I've spent so much time on this forum, now.  

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http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 4:57:50 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		You've been learning about the dynamics of relationships, Peon.  The ones who want to learn from us mean "hey, what's that cbt stuff like?  let's hook up for an afternoon".  Not the same. 

Now, I have indeed taught my share of newbs.   I have taught classes, done demos, done scenes, the whole thing.  I don't regret any of that either, because those men were *appreciative* and actually acknowledged that I had done something for them. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 5:06:14 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		PforH, I think it's safe to say that most d-types are happy to teach when the sub really is interested in learning.  Unfortunately, as Francine points out, "learning" for a lot of men doesn't mean doing research on their own.  It's just a cheap excuse for  "I'll let you tie me up and sodomise me, but don't expect anything in return."

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/12/2009 10:57:02 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I need to learn before committing to a relationship . . . was the literal truth for me, M.  It could, just possibly, be the same for the man under discussion here, too.  I'm damned glad I've spent so much time on this forum, now.
It isn't so much that I want a commitment from the start... All I basically desire is to know that if we click, you (generic you) are open to and available for a relationship (emotionally, and legally). I've known gentlemen who separate their kinky/sex life from their other relationships (vanilla girlfriend, or family members).
As this thing we do is about intimacy and relationships for me, I don't really have much to offer to someone who wants to be trained for another's use.... Other than to tell a submissive to simply obey and submit to whomever you're relating to, and voila! M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/13/2009 5:46:19 PM   
Sexycelticlady


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		As I started in the Lifestyle as a submissive less than a year ago, I also was of the mindset that I was new, still exploring and not ready for a D/s relationship with the few few Doms I played with. I spent a great deal of time with on particular Dom and formed an extremely close friendship with Him, but I was not ready for anything more and so pulled away from the D/s side when it looked like it was crossing that line.

My perspective on the sub in this is that he is simply more aware of the gulf of infomation and self discovery that he is about to embark on and is being cautious. I may be completely wrong, but that was me 10 months ago and I knew that untilI have made some progress on my own journey that I would not be able to submit to another to the depth that I felt I was capable of. Good luck on your meeting, I hope it works out well for you.  

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/13/2009 7:27:28 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama


Interesting and insightful observations. Thank you for sharing them.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/13/2009 8:52:23 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		So, we met tonight.

He acted like a real gentleman, more than I can say for many others I've met off CM or other sites in years past. I've been with my partner for 2.5 years so I've really had no motivation to look for other people too much and met my first/only boy here only because he contacted me first. But comparing him to guys I've met from CM several years ago, back when I was really looking and meeting people quite often, he ranks pretty high (whooda thought...) Not in the sense that there's great relationship or even play potential but let's see...he showed up when and where he was supposed to. He listened and provided good conversation. He actually came with a list of questions for me as I'd asked him to because he said he would be too nervous to think of anything off the top of his head, he paid for dinner, and he is chatting with me online instead of disappearing from the planet like I basically expected. So all in all, I deem him to be a sincerely curious new submissive who honestly had no clue all doms aren't like ones in the porn flicks.

The dinner went well and he asked a lot of questions that were very reasonable...like how I got started, where/who I learned from, what my relationship with my partner is like, what sort of expectations I'd have for a submissive...and he listened and answered anything I could think to ask. He told me he was definitely overwhelmed with information and had no idea all of "this" existed. The idea of a bdsm community is completely alien to him. I'm very glad we met but I knew going in and still know that a relationship is highly unlikely. Still I might be willing to play sometime, if he's interested, to allow him some experiences. I don't even know if he is interested because he just needs time to think over stuff.

I really appreciate all the responses and no, re: TammyJo's comment, this wasn't the first time I've encountered this type of "sub" but it's the first time someone with that mentality has listened to me, changed his mind, and told me that he never thought of it that way or never even could have imagined things to be the way I said they are to me...not only that but attempted to explain to me the reasoning behind why he felt the way he did originally. That's the difference and that's what shocked me so much. I've met my fair share of these fantasy based types but I have so little patience for it I just ignore them from the start.

Thanks again to all. Of course, keep commenting if you want to!



_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: New sub's point of view - have you experienced this? - 1/13/2009 10:35:41 PM   
Sexycelticlady


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		I am glad you had a good meeting with him.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 34
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