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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/12/2009 9:44:27 AM

Usako

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It's neither for me. My life is my life, BDSM is just a part of the greater picture that is me.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/12/2009 10:59:13 AM

bamagirl4u

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For me it is lifestyle~~even though I am currently not with anyone, I still consider myself a submissive. So, I have to say both.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/12/2009 11:23:10 AM

oceanwynds

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I not sure and have asked myself this at time too. I consider myself primary a witch and live that lifestyle. In these last two and half years exploring my submissiveness, I have discovered an empowerment that complimented my Witch persona. Sir is one that brought me to this door of Ds, and as time extended out, i found a need to submit more and more. It has become a part of me, but i do not believe as sexuality, and not sure as a lifestyle. At this time, I look at it as an add on to my persona..the witch.

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Post #: 23

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/14/2009 9:02:17 AM

hardbodysub

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To me, the word "lifestyle" is often used as shorthand for an interest in BDSM. To a very small number of people, it really does permeate their entire life, but for most of us, it is one area of interest, one aspect of our personal lives, generally reserved to the area of sexuality.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/14/2009 9:31:13 AM

bound4more

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quote:

ORIGINAL: immoral

tonight i have found myself being asked that question again. "how long have you been into the lifestyle?".and i wondered...if many people consider *this* a lifestyle choice, of if many just see this as part of their make upand/or sexuality..( badly worded question i know but im sure you get the general idea)

My lifestyle consists of many aspects - not just one. I am submissive to one person - consciously and consensually both in and out of the bedroom. The terms of my submission to him are flexible and pliable, not stagnant and irreversible. Underlying our relationship is a basic understanding that in MOST situations his decisions will be accepted.

Also part of my lifestyle are a mariad of different tastes and opinions, interests, work, friends etc. I don't believe a lifestyle can be contained to one particular aspect as I am multifaceted and multi-dimensioned. I consider our D/s no more a complete definition of my lifestyle than I do that I am a musician, artist, have a passion for all forms of spiritual concepts and theories. Everything I participate in and have incorporated as part of what makes how I live more comfortable, enjoyable and rewarding are what I refer to as my lifestyle. It also encompasses income level as how much money one has which affords them participation in particular activities. So I don't think of what we discuss here on these boards as a "lifestyle" perse. It may be to some, but for us, it is just part of our lives, our selves and how we live. From the perspective of those who don't know about our D/s involvement, we would probably appear to have a pretty "typical lifestyle".

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/14/2009 2:11:52 PM

daddysprop247

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are you asking about the BDSM lifestyle or D/s?? i've never had bdsm fantasies, desires or inclinations. still don't. but i've always been very submissive, subservient, eager to please others even to my own detriment, unable to refuse others, terrified of disappointing others, etc. sexually, from the time i was a small child i fantasized about situations where i had no control and someone simply took what they wanted from me. to this day, i have never had a sexual fantasy about 100% consensual and mutually pleasureable sex. always i have to feel or imagine some sort of suffering, some sort of struggle. what does this mean? imo it means that being submissive is just my personality and nature, so pursuing the D/s lifestyle provided a means for be to live normally and be accepted for who i am. prior to discovering D/s, i had no idea that the way i was could be desireable to someone, that it was just a characteristic of my personality and not some defect that needed to be fixed. so no, being who i am was not a choice. but pursuing this lifestyle of course was a choice.

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Post #: 26

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/17/2009 9:53:46 AM

anyoldname

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To me this is just all online fantasy so far. I have acted on my submissiveness occasionally but not in any BDSM venue or calling it as such, but just by being submissive when it happened to work out that my partner happened to be Dominant, although the terms weren't used; things just went that way in the moment. It has been interesting seeing the online sites and thinking of there being this kind of lifestyle. As far as I can tell men like me are destined to be marginal onlookers, the same as with any other sexual activity venue. We're scorned as wannabes and fakes, unwanted for being unattractive, and basically told to fuck off at every turn. I'm not complaining. That's just how it is, and I understand it. I don't see making a lifestyle out of constant rejection here being any different than my vanilla lifestyle of constant rejection. The only difference is which things I am being told nobody wants to do with me. In the vanilla world I can get shot down for asking someone to have sex with romantic music playing, in the missionary position, whispering I love you's. In this BDSM world I can get shot ignored asking to be abused, humiliated and dominated. The benefit I get from there being a lifestyle is that I can have more interesting fantasies.

It's mostly sexual to me. The D/s part that is attractive to me outside the sex is the clairty I imagine comes in a relationship where the roles are defined. The clarity is good because my experience with relationship confusion is that it leads to relationship ending.

Sexually I can be either Dominant or submissive. Same for a relationship, I guess. I go for submissive though because it fits how I feel about myself wanting to be with someone in the first place. Basically it is an offer to accommodate what someone else wants so they might be interested for that reason, there being no other reason I can think of why they might be interested. It's a form of begging for contact and attention and intimacy for me. Use me, abuse me, and it fits because I think I am pathetic for being unable to attract anyone. I know the paradox exists that women tend to prefer men who are self-confident and assertive and Dominant, at least in the vanilla world, and so my chances would be better if I was those things. Being submissive is probably a turn-off. So why am I submissive? Because somehow it feels better to fantasuze about being used than to imagine being rejected and laughed at for trying to be assertive and self-conifdent without there being any basis for it. Since my reality is that I have been discarded, dumped, rejected, scorned, etc. and my attempts to find love have failed I now feel at home settling into the lowly subordinate role. This way the constant rejection feeds my self-image. It matches my experiences. The sexual urges people get are real. I can be used for that, serving a purpose and so there is a way for me to imagine having sex, as someone who gets used. The emotional part of a relationship seems like an illusion to me. I can't imagine being loved for myself in any typical way. With BDSM added in and myself in the role of providing what someone needs that way, I can imagine fitting in somehow. At least I will be able to imagine it until enough time has passed that proves otherwise. I think for me this is just another of the dead ends I am exploring, out of restlessness.

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Post #: 27

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/23/2009 3:09:58 PM

faithfulfemme

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When i first knew i was queer, it felt like "coming home." When i first found the Leather community, it felt like "coming home." Being queer is not a choice, neither is being a submissive in the Leather community, it is WHO i am.

As a result, i mostly stay in the queer Leather community because it just causes less problems, and gives me choices. i don't have to worry about who knows i'm queer or submissive, and, also, it simply feels good to be around those who identify as i do.

Not that i won't hang with pansexuals......i'm a member of a couple of pansexual groups, and find them to be very accepting of my sexuality, it's just that there's not going to be others in these group who identify as i do. And that makes it hard to play and find that One to be my Dominant.

Just better to go with the queer Leather folx, when i can.....

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Post #: 28

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 7:23:55 AM

antipode

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quote:

if many people consider *this* a lifestyle choice, of if many just see this as part of their make upand/or sexuality

yes

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Post #: 29

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 8:41:47 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: immoral

tonight i have found myself being asked that question again. "how long have you been into the lifestyle?".and i wondered...if many people consider *this* a lifestyle choice, of if many just see this as part of their make upand/or sexuality..( badly worded question i know but im sure you get the general idea)

I yam whats I yam. And that's encompassing everything about me all into one lifestyle which I call my own - who I am and the way I live. And that's a strong, passionate, sexual, loving, kinky, perverse, submissive, assertive, smart, funny, dorky, motivated, at times really insecure, and excited-about-life woman. I have been this person - at least morphing into this person - all my life, although I only began truly learning and understanding her about 4 years ago.

"How long have you been in this lifestyle" is a harmless question to try to gauge one's experience level. It's a silly question, when you think about it, but it's so often asked I think it's just a generic way of communicating.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 8:54:14 AM

feydeplume

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"how long have you been into the lifestyle?" This often means, in the context of disclosure, "how long have your know about and self-identified sexually and/or behaviorally with WIITWD and are you out, in any fashion (boards, lovers, friends etc) about your interest and/or participation?" Complicated thought? you betcha' so when you get asked this, ask what part of this HUGE question they want information about.
Does website/person/people want to know how long you have been aware and interested in activities and interpersonal relationship that do not ascribe to the ones on TV? Does X want to know how long you have been acting on those desires and information?
Does X want to know how, if at all, active you are in ANY form of BDSM community?
Does X want wank stories or proof that you have actually tried some of the stuff that they are looking to do/have done with you?
Does X just want to make small talk or talk about how Uber they are?
The context of the questions tells you a lot about what kind of answer they are actually fishing for. Then you have to decide what you want to tell them about your personal life!

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 10:25:29 AM

StormsSlave

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BDSM is not a religion. How can it be a "lifestyle" choice, when your "lifestyle" encompasses all you do? Do you go to the PTA meeting in full bondage leather? Do you wear a ball gag to the softball league? Do you wear your "slut" collar to go bowling in? While tempting and sure to get a reaction, I'm thinking not appropriate to this subs lifestyle. They might take a dim view of my 10 foot collar/chain at work.

BDSM is four things: bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. I don't see "lifestyle choice" encompassed in there. People are really asking, and should just ask outright, "How long have you been into BDSM?" or "How much BDSM experience do you have?"

Next time someone asks me how long have I been into this "lifestyle" I'm going to tell them how long it's been since I escaped Hellinois. Now THAT's a lifestyle I'll never return to.

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Post #: 32

RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 1:33:17 PM

IvyMorgan

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I've been living my lifestyle for 24 years.

And that's how I answer the question.

I like my lifestyle, too, which is a bonus.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/24/2009 10:52:06 PM

atypicalsub

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Being submissive is part of my personality. It is also part of my sexual identity. It is not the complete definition of either. While this is the first relationship I have been in that was *called* D/s, very little of what I do day to day is different from what I did in my other relationships. Being submissive is my nature. This relationship just allows me to be completely open about that. I finaly found a lifestyle that allows me to be the person society taught me I needed to struggle against becoming.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/26/2009 5:39:49 PM

LPslittleclip

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my sexuality is straight but as others have said this is just a part of me that i recently found to express myself more fully. the lifestyle is something that i have been doing for nearly 2 years now and i have found it to benefit not just myself but other relationships as well. for example my wife has enjoyed a more attentive husband and certainly more behaved as well. i only started out looking for a play partner and found a whole new family. now i am in a poly family and it is wonderfully, in about a year A/all of the family will be under one roof i am ever so happy now.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/26/2009 5:54:55 PM

T1981

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I never quite know how to respond when people ask how long we've been into BDSM. Our first real BDSM experience didn't happen until 2005, but we'd been talking about it and fantasizing and researching about it, seperately and together, for years prior to that. Granted, experience really DOES make the difference (it's one thing to read about being whipped, another to actually BE whipped), but as another poster said, I've never had a sexual fantasy that was 100% consentual - there always had to be, as she said, some kind of struggle.

And thus my mind has been engaged in BDSM for a very, very long time.

Still, I do imagine that people are asking about actual experience, so I always say from 2005 on, the night I first chose to lay over his lap and he took his hand to my ass.

Am I in a "lifestyle"? That's harder to define. We're not 24/7, but we both find that we begin to crave the D/s aspects of our play if we go too long without the play. We've both find that when we're really stressed and upset, that him taking control of the little things such as what we watch on tv and what we eat seems to relieve and relax us both.

I don't know if that's a lifestyle so much as it is that we've found a new way of interacting with each other that works.

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/26/2009 5:56:52 PM

BalletBob

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Is there supose to be SEX ? ?

For me, it is a life style, and sex doesn't have any connection with it. If a Mistress does something to my Part, I don't consider is sex. It is just her, having FUN !

Snub Nose Sex Pistol, sub BalletBob

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RE: lifestyle or sexuality? - 1/26/2009 7:50:19 PM

subsong

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I live MY lifestyle . Just so happens , my lifestyle includes delight in being submissive to a Dominant partner in varying ways in a relationship - though mostly sexually , as I'm not a submissive personality otherwise .

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Post #: 38