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undergroundsea -> RE: Tributes and Genuine Dommes (1/21/2009 7:29:50 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Calandra
Are you aware of just how many professional submissive males equate their money with power? They often DESIRE that a strong, determined woman will take that power from them.
<snip>
tell a prospective new Domme in the FIRST post that they are not comfortable with the concept of tribute and asking respectfully if the domme will be expecting any.
I understand that just as how I enjoy service, there are others who enjoy financial submission. I see the D/s value but for me the negatives outweigh the D/s value and when I see it in a profile, I treat it as a flag.
In my previous post, I allowed that there are some instances of tribute that are not opportunistic. One such scenario is when it is genuinely a kink.
However, how does one tell whether one who is describing it as a kink really has a kink for it, or that it is for the sake of opportunism and the kink is a good way to wrap it up? In some cases, it may be a little of both. However, given how money motivates people, and what I have observed, in most cases I expect it is more for opportunism.
I have seen profiles that seemed to be from someone who initially had no reference to financial domination, and the profile seemed reasonably geared towards meeting someone for a personal relationship. Then the reference to financial domination came with signs of cognitive dissonance. Then it became a highly erotic fetish. I have seen some where then a new nickname came. In a couple of instances, a website came.
People stumble across new fetishes. Perhaps these women stumbled across a new fetish that was highly erotic for them. Perhaps it was opportunism. Everyone is welcome to read into the scenario as they wish. I think opportunism is at work.
Incidentally, this progression shows the role that men might play in this matter. I expect some if not most of these transitions occur because of suggestions or offers made by men.
But for sake of discussion, let's assume it is a fetish. There are various other fetishes: anal play, this play, that play. When a domme meets a man, she doesn't immediately tell him to bend over and don her strap-on (unless it's Mal ;-) ). There is usually some discussion about the fetish. And usually interaction occurs along areas of common interest.
If the tribute is being demanded in the name of kink, it is not being treated as a kink; there is not a discussion and it is usually presented as a must-have. These observations makes me think labeling it as a kink is a disguise for a different motivation in most of the profiles that make reference to it.
You raise a good point, however. Clarification up front can lessen the likelihood of issues. I think this clarification is better done through profiles. If it is done through an email, I think it should be carefully worded so as not to offend by projecting frustration on someone who does not deserve it, and because it can be an offensive suggestion for some women.
Also, I think it would help each party if responsibility for this communication is shared. If a domme seeks tribute in the name of kink, she should treat it as a kink and seek whatever communication should occur. I think one benefit of rants like the OP and the discussion that has occurred here is that they convey that this area is one that can be a boundary, and is one that requires care (like other types of play that are more likely to be boundaries).
quote:
We are all adults, and most of the time the submales complain that they have been connecting with this Domme for a short (but intense) time, and that OMG she asked for tribute, after he was already emotionally involved. Um, perhaps he needs to take his time and not invest so much so soon?
I understand your point above but I do not fully connect with it.
I read a wonderfully written post elsewhere by a sub who described the vulnerabilities a sub might feel as he becomes emotionally attached to a domme. Indeed it is possible to fall in quickly and managing the pace is wise. It is easier said than done. How does one achieve it? Some ways to achieve it are to not give as much energy, keep other conversations going, more. I am not sure how much one should keep self emotionally distant in what appears to be headed towards a personal relationship in case it might turn out to be a bait for tribute--such a practice might adversely affect what is indeed a personal relationship. So while it might be wise for a sub to manage his emotional commitment and be prepared for things to not work out for whatever reason, I don't think one can fault a sub for feeling frustrated or saddened when such a bait and switch is done. The way you have worded it (the OMG and Um convey a sarcasm) suggests that it is unreasonable for such a sub to feel as he does, with which I disagree.
My approach is to avoid profiles that are focused on material tribute and to use my instincts and intuition about what type of relationship is one seeking. Also, I keep what I spend reasonably similar to what might be done in ordinary dating. I treat spending on someone in the domain of expression of fondness (like one does for friends, family, and romantic partners) and not as expression of submission. I keep how much I spend in line with how well I know the person and with what types of gestures are reciprocated. Also, if I am tested for financial submission with an opportunity to financially submit (I had something to this effect said to me once as part of general conversation by a woman with whom I had a houseboy relationship and who was materially focused: I'm tired, it's not fair, I shouldn't have to work, I need some boy to fund my existence), I don't bite.
Cheers,
Sea
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