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Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 4:13:06 AM   
Christov


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline
Kind of feel funny asking this stuff but here goes.

My girl and I will have been together for a year next month.
She agreed to take my collar on the grounds that she was mine, accessable 24/7, usable as I saw fit with some rules(IE: no scat play), and I had control of everything in our personal lives.

This was fine for all of 3 months. Since then our day to day mundane relationship is fine but something in our master/slave portion seems off.
Now she doesnt protest about day to day stuff, or wht I want to do in our bedroom. But shes always seeming like she isnt into doing anything. I've tried new play, i've tried being more Dom, but there are times when Its more like having to beg for sex and play then her doing the .. yes master do me now.

Now on her side and what i get from her.. Nothing is wrong. It's just financial stresses. She says shes fine with me, fine with my domming and sexual abilities. She says that she is happy with me, and glad she is mine.
It's one of those things that just get ya and make you go whats up?
I mean in like my yahoo and tribenet profiles I talk about how proud I am of her, and that she is mine, and how much I love and care for her. But on her profiles its just attached.

She constantly says shes in love with me to me.

We have talked about the fact I sometimes feel she's not happy as a slave and is more sub.. but she says she is all mine in every way, and wants to be my slave.

But I honestly have never seen from her any sign that I see in others slaves.. No I am so devoted to him body and soul.. none of that.

Any ideas, suggestions or constructive comments are appreciated..
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 4:36:24 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Nothing is wrong. It's just financial stresses.

Did you know statistically financial stress is the leading cause of divorce? More marriages and relationships break up over worries of money, how to pay the bills, etc. than just about anything else. People are more likely to cheat or abandon a relationship if there are financial problems. That could be your problem in a nutshell right there.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. I'd listen to that and trust that instinct, obviously something is. It may really be just financial. It could be she's started losing confidence in you as well. It could be she's just feeling overwhelmed by a situation she isn't sure either of you can deal with.

My advice is to sit her down and tell her she needs to open up and talk about how she feels. Get to the bottom of it, find out what is bothering her and deal with it however you can. Do what you can to build up her confidence in you. Part of her submission involves her ability to believe in you. If that's being eroded away, you've got troubles.

Its hard to give specific advice since I don't know the details of your situation. But based on what you did say, and my first impression, the above is where I would suggest you start looking at things.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Christov)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:04:24 AM   
Christov


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the input.. I have sat her down though and I posted all i could get from her. Maybe it is just the money situation right now.
In many ways we were doing better stuck back in WA state without work before moving to SJ a few months ago. hmm..

I'm still open for more input folks.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:06:48 AM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		Padraig is right, money can be a very stressful issue. There may be other issues as well. Your slave is not performing to the standard you need. As you know there is no magic pill or wand. As Pad has explained you are wise to investigate the feelings your having. (feelings are never wrong)

You ask a question that is the equivalent of asking how do I build a space station while standing in front of a pile of metal bars and aluminum sections that were dumped in your yard. There is no manual and no directions with the pile of metal or your slave. Your slave is likely vacillating between her devotion to you and life’s issues. I can guarantee you she is likely feeling 10x more distressed as she is not only thinking of the life’s issues but also looking at possibly being failure of being your slave which is something that may be very powerful to her and she is fighting hard to save what is important in her heart.

I have done this in the past. I can not warrant that it is a magic fix for you but it helped me. I call it “Upside-down Kink”.
If you use this understand it’s not the steak it’s the sizzle that counts, it is all about the presentation. Tell her you want the next 72 hours of “over-the-top” performance and if she is successful you have a very special surprise. Build up what you are going to pull off as a special gift. If the situation is eroded farther that what is posted you may need to just take her out for a nice lunch or drive in the country and lay it on her with out any pre preformance. You be the judge.

The thought is vanilla couples venture in to the kink world now and then and there is no reason we can not do the same if it is enjoyable or builds our life together. So the idea is to pick an idol (I used a specific playing card Q-hearts) and when and if I gave her that idol I told her for the balance of that day or until she returned that card (which ever comes first) she had the ability to do or say anything she wanted with out fear of disappointing me or punishments. I also told her I was feeling like somthing wanted to come out deep within her and this was my way of getting to it. It was also my way of saying, I love you, need you and value your feelings and want to share your concerns. When the card was returned the vanilla “reverse kink” was over. You are owner of the idol, do not over use. She must understand it is very special and it may NEVER be used again. Lay out he rules with discipline. If you use the idol more that once or twice a year you will have trouble also. DON’T OVER USE ! I also recommend not to use it in the home, go somewhere neutral. The home is your kingdom I would want her to know being back home is your real life and back to life that you need but with some altered understanding of what is going on in her mind.

It’s an opportunity for her and you to settle or get on the right track on issues that are stressing your relationship. Like I said, I don’t know if your situation can benefit from this but it does work for me.

Good luck

Del Rey

(in reply to Christov)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:26:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Part of me wants to just say- trust her to be an adult. She says things are good, then things are good.

But I know adults and most are not likely to bring up a problem unless forced into it.

Instead of focusing so much on trying to be "the dominant one" focus on communication and working through this together. The dominance will flow naturally as you work together. Instead of asking "are you ok?" ask "So what things would you change if you could?" Instead of asking "Is there anything wrong?" ask "What are your goals for the next week?"



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:26:50 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking from my own personal experience....

I relocated to another state 500 miles away from friends and family members right after marrying the man I thought I was madly in love with. I found myself in a little bit of a funk, a little depressed, from the adjustments that naturally come along with relocating. Along with that came a sudden lack of sexual desire. Needless to say that caused a lot of problems. What I wanted most from him was understanding, a little space, a hug instead of sex. We weren't in a Master/slave relationship, so we didn't have that dynamic and mental stress to deal with like you do. So that could be adding to her troubles right now.

Unfortunately, this marriage ended very unpleasantly. He constantly badgered me about being depressed and unhappy, because "he" was happy, I should be happy, too. And the more he bugged me about it, even to the point of keeping score on his calender at work of how many times we had sex the first year and then confronting me with it, the more I turned away from him.

If you really love her, and I read that you do, maybe just back way off of her right now. She probably has a lot of stresses of relocating to deal with right now to readjust to her new home, so my opinion is that she does not need the added stress of your needing constant reassurance and "proof" from her she she still loves you. She has told you repeatedly that she does (although that's not a guarantee, but it sounds good to me right now).

Please don't gauge her feelings for you based on what you read online by other slaves. A lot of them live in fantasy worlds. There is an old saying that I like: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." She accepted your collar and relocated with you. That says a lot, in my book.
And missing people she may have left back home doesn't mean she loves you any less.

Can you maybe just give her some space for a little while and let her get comfortable with herself in her new surroundings? Be there for her, be affectionate, and let her know you're really happy she's there with you. If you continually "sit her down" and keep demanding to know what she's thinking and why is she acting "like that", and if you "constantly" need to be told that she's in love with you, then I can guarantee that your relationship is doomed.

chymes

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:30:28 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Let me ask you something, Christov. You posted that you and your slave just moved to SJ a few months ago. Do you or more specificly your girl have any friends where you are now? Does your girl go out at all with or without you? What was her life like back in WA? Or before you took her as your slave? Maybe she's homesick? My Mary Jane is going through a bit of a depression because she not only moved to a new town to be in my house but also there is not much to do in this town that doesn't cost quite abit. Couple that with money stress and noone is going to be particularly happy. Maybe this is what you are seeing in your slave?

Another way to look at this is maybe she broke some rule you have in your house and she is keeping it inside for fear of you being angry with her and it's eating her up. This, I feel, is a longshot but you never know. I know that my girls would rather tell me if they did let something eat them up but it does take coaxing from time to time because they THINK it's particularly heinous. If it is something that is bad they are punished and forgiven. Maybe this is what is wrong?

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 8:52:31 AM   
RainGod


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline 		Christov,

Stresses such as financial ones 9or any for that matter) can effect someone's mood for things sexual. I know that when I get severely under pressures or depressed or feeling overwhelmed by life's ordeals, sex is the last thing on my mind.

I would offer this advice: you mentioned you were trying to adjust more to accomodate her and bring back that spark. Maybe changing things or adjusting them isn't a good idea. I think the most comforting thing to me when I am in times of distress is stablilty... unchanging things I can count on the be just as they were yesterday and the day before.

Just my opinion... best wishes.

_____________________________

Love is a razor & I walk the line on that silver blade... slept in the dust with His daughter her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence... The evil that men do lives on & on.
~ Iron Maiden

(in reply to Christov)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 9:42:11 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

She constantly says shes in love with me to me.

We have talked about the fact I sometimes feel she's not happy as a slave and is more sub.. but she says she is all mine in every way, and wants to be my slave.

But I honestly have never seen from her any sign that I see in others slaves.. No I am so devoted to him body and soul.. none of that.

So basically she tells you everything she should but doesn't make the nauseating, over-the-top public declarations that smack of on-line wankerism and sound as if someone is trying to convince herself of the fact, and you often see the same person declaring similar devotion to another dom about every month or two.

I don't see a problem with this at all.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Christov)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 10:18:47 AM   
Burninglash


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: South Africa
Status: offline 		Hmm ok so your slave girl, committed your life to some one, move home, and your having finncial problems. Now he is insecure about your feelings for him, why? becusae you dont measure up to some internet yardstick?

Come on! You have the typical cooling off that would come from spending less time together than you did when you were both unemployed, then you have the cooling off that comes as a new love relationship settles down into a "normality". Then you have the stresses that come with changing homes, and changing states and then on top of that you ahve financial stress.

But wait! theres more she is your slave and must adjust to living in submission. If you do this for a long time you forget how much work it takes at first. typicaly the big hump comes somewhere at 3-6 months (thats why companies have that as a trail period before cementing the employment relationship) if yoiur girls are anything like mine .. my stress just adds to their own as they try to be what I need even when they cant. possibly your trying to do everything on your own and she needs to feel that she contributes. You being/doing everything leaves her feeling useless.

Yes she is off, if she says its finance .. accept that its true an talk about how you can minimise the impact of that on your relationship with each other. Shared hardship can actually make a relationship stronger, but for that to happen you need to be a team in tackling it.

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 10:19:58 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Welcome to REALITY..
Many in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship go through exactly what you are going through.
To be in a 24 hr bondage intensive environment is unrealistic.

Any relationship even a M/s one is one of constant growth. The key here is for both partys to grow in a mutual direction together and not different ones.
Is it possable that you have a different view of what a Master/slave dynamic is then she currently does ?
Remember there is a HUGE amount of "wannabes" and even a larger amount of "fiction" and very little "non-fiction" about this type of relationship. Most of the fiction I think is written from a Vanilla viewpoint and with no experiance.
Perhaps some of your viewpoint is based on that ?

We often see in others what we would like to see in our own lives but we see only a snapshot of the "others" and not the whole picture, If we saw the whole picture, we might realize that we are doing so much better then they are anyway.

Sure there maybe some who are so financially well off they have a 10 mil house in the country and a beavy of slaves but for most of us.. nope reality kinda sucks sometimes.
I am self employed and both myself and my slave are able to work out of our home. She does wear an obvious collar and a wrist or ankle cuff at all times, We get some interesting looks at restraunts or even going to the store as she is the one who opens the doors for me and I am the one who decides what she will eat.

I am in the PC/ typewriter repair business and its getting slower and slower thus less and less income. {Yes virginia there are a few people who still use typewriters :-) }
Her job cut her down to 1/2 time and the one she has applied for will mean probably 3-4 months "on site" so she will be working away from home and thus subject to their dress code, rather than mine (not suitable for a 'conservative' business environment but the collar will remain on her regardless, which is one of the nice things about "fashion" to many it will appear as a neckless). As well as unable to be who she REALLY wishes she could be.
We will deal with it as others have and others will.
Do I like it anymore then she does NO.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Christov)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 11:04:33 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

She constantly says shes in love with me to me.
We have talked about the fact I sometimes feel she's not happy as a slave and is more sub.. but she says she is all mine in every way, and wants to be my slave.
But I honestly have never seen from her any sign that I see in others slaves.. No I am so devoted to him body and soul.. none of that.
Any ideas, suggestions or constructive comments are appreciated..


Christov,
Maybe there is a simple answer to your inquiry. The "idea" or "fantasy" of a 24/7 M/s life was/is more appealing than the reality of 24/7 M/s life. The concept of 24/7 sounds great. You get to live 24/7 in an idyllic world where your sexual fantasies are realized. Where everything you experienced during erotic fun filled nights, weekends, or extended time vacations that caused you to collapse from exhaustion would happen every day. You're finding out that is not the reality of a 24/7 relationship.

Instead you have nights where you just go to sleep, when you sit and watch TV, when you go out for a walk, when you don't spank or be spanked, when you don't have sex. But the commitment to the dynamic of 24/7 is more important on those days and nights. It is during this time when you find out if that relationship is truly right for the both of you. Because long term, you'll be spending a much larger percentage of your time NOT scening, NOT having sex. How you interact during those times is the determining factor. Whey you can be your slaves Master and she is your slave outside a scene, outside of your sight for that matter, then you've achieved a 24/7 M/s relationship.

How do you accomplish this? Well, I won't bore you with the details of how beth & I accomplish this. Besides it only applies to us and our dynamic. Yours should be by your definition. But there is no doubt with either of us that the 24/7 dynamic is there between us 24/7. We have our relationship defined in detail and in writing. Before we consummated that relationship we defined our goal through a long process of self assessment and trust building. Its worked, after four years we still live by it.

The financial aspect of your post also needs to be addressed. PLEASE to anyone who reads this note that I said this was MY definition and is not written here to be THE definition. It is my opinion and ONLY my opinion, that before you own a slave you better be sure you can afford to own a slave. To me that is defined as owned everything about that slave including all the associated financial responsibilities. beth does not work. That wasn't beth's idea, that is mine. I don't believe a slave should have to serve two Masters, her owner and her employer. I have expectations of behavior, home maintenance, meals, cleaning, that I could not expect from anyone who also had to work outside the home. The conflict of emotional, mental, and even physical activities required by any job would make my expectations impossible. I didn't want my slave to have to deal with that conflict, and I didn't want to compromise my expectations. As a result the logical consequence is that beth's only "job" is making me happy. I am so proud of her when we go out to business events and she's asked, "What to you do?" she answers with "Make him happy." It was especially pleasing to hear that answer when she was asked by my parents when she met them. Of course they, being Italian, LOVED her instantly because of that answer even though they didn't know all it entailed. If it's not possible within your relationship, expect to make compromises. What they are depend on the two of you.

One last point. I believed I wanted to live 24/7 as a Master since I was in my early 20's. I "found" beth at 46. I made the attempt a few times in the past. Most failed because of the first reason I gave, the idea was exciting, the reality wasn't. No weekend or even two week experiment is the same as long term. "Fun" slave behavior, like getting up to get Master a drink at his whim, often gets resented when that whim is as 2:00 A.M. Wearing no underwear, kneeling, being spanked, being groped, being told when to go to bed, asking for permission to drink, to eat, to go to the bathroom, does not come easy to a person. As a Master, making ALL the decisions, being responsible for all that is done, spent, determining what time to eat, determining what your slave should wear or not wear; requires a commitment. Many times I heard former partners say to me; "Wow - you mean you want to do this ALL the time! It's not for me - sorry!" You never know until you attempt it if your partner and you are compatible and capable of that intense and somewhat demanding responsibility. Yet, when it does occur, living 24/7 is no effort. There is no unrealized expectation because all the expectations and responsibilities are defined and firmly established. Living them becomes natural. All it takes is absolute trust in your partner and commitment to your relationship. Commitment to the relationship is as important, if not more important, than commitment to each other. If all the decisions you make consider the impact to the relationship living 24/7 as M/s is easy. The hard part is determining if it's "right" for you.

Good Luck!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 1/6/2006 11:52:41 AM >

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 11:48:04 AM   
seaturtle50


Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		in my HO,

quote:

Did you know statistically financial stress is the leading cause of divorce? More marriages and relationships break up over worries of money, how to pay the bills, etc. than just about anything else. People are more likely to cheat or abandon a relationship if there are financial problems. That could be your problem in a nutshell right the


i think that a more accurate "accounting" of this statistic would prove that infidelity and the "grass is always greener" syndrome are responsible for the largest number of divorces, by far, but would agree that financial issues are used as the #1 excuse for ones behavior.

seaturtle

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 12:06:02 PM   
HoosierScorpio


Posts: 164
Status: offline 		What kind of training did you do with her so she could understand what it means to be a slave? Did you get her books to read so she knows what it means to serve? So many say they are slave then do not act like it. Some say they are subs with slave tendencies bottom line is there is more to being a slave. So many accept into a relationship with out understanding what they are getting themselves into. She might like the idea of being owned or the fact you guys are sole couple. Is she looking a way out of her financial problem through you while she is your slave? I would have her start doing some readings so she can understand what she is suppose to do or act. Start to attend local area munches so you guys can meet real people who live this lifestyle every day. Some like the idea being a slave or sub just for the play and nothing else. Good Luck Hoosierscorpio

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 12:33:33 PM   
Burninglash


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: South Africa
Status: offline 		Yea Mercnbeth Funny how reality is not quite the same as the fantasy huh? I was told recently that I was a "player" or a "batman" when I told a girl that 24/7 is mostly vanilla with D/s undertones. Fact is when your slave is sick, you may well be the one doing chores whilst they recover. Bills have to get paid , if you have kids in the home, they need to be protected from adult issues which curtails your dress codes etc somewhat.

The idea of the 72 hours of over the top DS is beautiful to do once in a while .. kinda like going away for a romantic weekend .. a break from the nomal routine.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 1:28:39 PM   
Raphael


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		As difficult as it may be for you to know what to do here, you're still the only one close enough to the situation to know for sure.

My advice, I suppose, would be to stifle your disappointment, for the moment, and approach it with this as your working hypothesis:

Your pet is overly stressed and as a result not only less responsive than you would like, but also under greatly elevated threat of illness and damage. Protect your property. Lower her stress level. Give her a break from your expectations. Make sure her diet is good, make sure she takes her vitamins. Give her a bubble bath and a massage, but hold the sex for once. When you can feel the stress has left her body boneless, sit her down and have a serious talk with her. Not he kind where you tell her how it's going to be, the kind where you just draw her out and get her to talk. Listen carefully. And go from there.

The way I'm reading this, you're in the dark. Your gut is telling you something is wrong here, your mind doesn't know what is. If that were the case with your car, you'd pull it over and pop the hood and take a look. If you couldn't find anything wrong, you'd still baby it into the shop and investigate further, wouldn't you? And probably the last thing you'd do is start pushing it harder right at that moment...


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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:05:03 PM   
Christov


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline 		Wow that was a lot to absorb.. Also you folks had a lot of questions regardin the situation t hand.. so I'll try to answer a few of them as my response.

In WA, we had a lot less problems with finances.
The move here to San Jose was her idea, as this is her home town and she has friends and family here.
The job market here was also 80% better.
So in many ways it was a good idea.
her friends and family know about her lifestyle choice so its not being closet about things either.

I do know the difference in reality 24/7 and fantasy, as this is not my first relationship of this kind.
My girl Chooses to work as she has that right to do so. It actually makes her happier to be working than being at home all day. I have given her that option, she doesnt NEED to, she Chooses to.

As far as training goes, she herself has read 15-20 books on the subject before we even met and was looking for the right Dom for her. She participated in forms, chat rooms, and 2 different community groups. We had known each other for 4 years as good friends prior to getting together. The chemistry was electric when we did and still is in many ways.

Just there are long periods of time when nothing to do with our master slave dynamic is even acknowledged by anyone other than myself. If I'm ever referred to at all as anything its her boyfriend.

I liked the reward idea a lot.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the sub as I'm having to ask her what i can do for her to make things easier or better in our lives.
Like i said the first few months were magic..
its kinda like the whole "honeymoon is over" thing.


(in reply to Raphael)
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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 6:15:14 PM   
daredevil865


Posts: 130
Joined: 11/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Burninglash

Yea Mercnbeth Funny how reality is not quite the same as the fantasy huh? I was told recently that I was a "player" or a "batman" when I told a girl that 24/7 is mostly vanilla with D/s undertones. Fact is when your slave is sick, you may well be the one doing chores whilst they recover. Bills have to get paid , if you have kids in the home, they need to be protected from adult issues which curtails your dress codes etc somewhat.

The idea of the 72 hours of over the top DS is beautiful to do once in a while .. kinda like going away for a romantic weekend .. a break from the nomal routine.



Welcome to the REAL world....

_____________________________



DareDevil

A true Master exhibits honor, integrity, honesty, self discipline, personal responsibility and caring for his property.

If I had to explain it...you wouldn't understand

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RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 7:52:47 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		There are a lot of things to consider and from what has been written there are more questions than answers. However, there are a few things that strike me that should be considered.

From what you stated, your relationship is considered a Master/slave relationship. Yet in your last post you reflect a concern on being the sub on occasions. This is huge flag of concern to me. A red flag that could reflect a few possibilities and all are problems that have to be worked out.

If she is a slave, then why are you being a sub to her at times? There is a big difference between caring for her needs and submitting to her needs. If she is a slave and you are submitting to her needs, you are losing her respect… slowly but surely it is getting washed away. So when you ask her what is wrong, do you think she is going to be immediately honest with you in this regard? Can you imagine how she would feel if she started to perceive you as not being the Master she expected? So I guess the question is what is expected by both of you? If she is not a slave, then you have unrealistic expectations of the relationship. You are expecting something from her that she is not capable of giving.

Now this is all assuming that you both share an understanding of what the relationship is as a Master and as a slave. It could very well be that your definitions are actually different. Clearly, she is well versed in exposure to the lifestyle as are you, but this exposure doesn’t mean you share some common understandings to roles, labels and responsibilities. I think you both need to talk about the expectations of the relationship. Not just limits, boundaries, desires and wants, but goals for the relationship and yourselves as individuals. They need to be discussing in both the Conventional Context and the D/s Context. What is the D/s relationship that you both want? What behaviors are you both looking for? Clearly you are indicating a problem of a lack of behaviors from her, but she just might have the same feeling for you. And NO don’t think that she will tell you right off the hop, especially if she is loosing that romantic view of the D/s relationships that she might have come into it with. Thinking about having the relationship and doing it is very different. You have been doing it in two other relationships, but has she? Also remember that those relationships (assuming here) no longer exist in your life, so that means there were mistakes, failures and things that had to be learned from them. Did you learn the right lessons? Are there some similarities in those past relationships with your current one? What are you doing that is the same? It might be YOU!

Now I going to make an assumption that your relationship is a good one and that all the connections are there, but the zip is gone, the focus is gone. Sometimes it is the stress of all the changes, and you had a few for sure. They can actually distract the both of you from the D/s component of the relationship. I am reading that you are missing that D/s intensity you expect and want. She might also be missing it. But you’re the Master, so you have to lead and point the direction so to speak.

So what behaviors in the relationship do you and she consider are D/s dynamics? Not just kinky play in the bedroom. For instance, does she always enter a room after you, do you sit first at the table, do you start to eat and then she starts to eat, does she ask permission to leave your presence, does she ask permission to spend your money? The list can go on and on… The Advice, make your list! What is actually occurring now and what is it that you want to occur? These are not the typical Kinky Play things, but taking Conventional everyday things and bringing a D/s Dynamic into the behavior; we are in effect “Kink-ifying” the behaviors.


An Exercise!
Both of you make this list together, all the things you consider to be a part of your D/s dynamic. Then individually, rate each of these D/s Dynamic behaviors in the following manner:

Intensity of the behavior in a D/s context on a scale 1-10 (i.e. her addressing by a particular title)

Frequency of occurrence of this behavior – Daily, Weekly, Monthly or hardly ever

Now work out the scale before hand for each of you, then on a simple x-y axis plot the occurrences.


Intensity
|
|
|
|
|
|
-------------------- Frequency

Using this you can start to compare yourselves to each other. Compare how the intensity of the behaviors are different. See where most of the behaviors fall as far as intensity and frequency. It could mean that you need to increase the frequency of the behaviors that are already there. It may be that you need to find more behaviors to bring into the relationship, i.e. more “Kink-ifying” of the everyday things you are doing.

Just more food for you to chew on.


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Christov)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Master to master advice? - 1/6/2006 8:27:38 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Christov

I liked the reward idea a lot.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the sub as I'm having to ask her what i can do for her to make things easier or better in our lives.
Like i said the first few months were magic..
its kinda like the whole "honeymoon is over" thing.


personally I think the Reward idea is a very slippery slope and not something I would recommend in a M/s Relationship or any relationship for that matter.... suffice to say... the Reward only has value if the sub/slave values it... the moment the sub/slave stops having value for it... the reward will not longer be a motivating force to change or maintain a behavior. In fact... rewards tend to have a diminishing return to them and are generally very poor to change behavior or maintain a behavior. You must keep uping the reward so to speak just to get the behaviors you want or change the ones you want... it begs to question who is really in control then.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Christov)
Profile   Post #: 20
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