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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 5:20:27 PM

aravain

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About the things I want/need I'm very certain, and they're very few, really.

I do not feel like I can possibly encompass or understand all the things that I do NOT want. I don't know everything, so I can't be sure that I know everything that I do not want. That means that exploration is encouraged; that is how I found my current wants/needs, after all:

There must be mutual sexual attraction (Need. I must be sexually attracted to him, though what constitutes attraction for me is, by and large, dependant on the person. You can take twins and have one personality quirk difference between them and it can make the difference between whether or not I'm sexually attracted. Likewise, he must be sexually attracted to me. Unfortunately this has a cursed addition in that he must be either a 'top' sexually, or a versatile person willing to seek others (within reason) to top him. I can also point out that I've never been attracted to anyone outside of a ten-year difference with myself, so that is important to this as well, though not a defining need or want).

He must be more dominant than me (Need and Want. On a BDSM website/forum where I list myself as a submissive this may seem a no brainer, however what I mean is that I NEED him to be more dominant than me in a personality sense. I also want (but do not require) 'kinky' dominance, if that makes sense. I need someone who's willing to make decisions (with my input, but willing to MAKE them) for various reasons, the main reason being my immense anxiety that comes from being the person who makes a final decision, of almost any type).

He should have an average to large penis (Want and (small) Need. I don't REALLY care about the penis size, when it comes down to it, but I do, really, LOVE being fucked by someone (and no, toys, even strapons, do not provide the same psychological stimulation), however, being a bigger man means that partners' members must be longer than it needs to be for others to get basic insertion. I have a wonderful, big butt, but it does cause these problems. When it comes down to it, however, this is not a need. The need for this category comes to someone who is able to 'perform,' orgasm, and ejaculate relatively normally, which cancels out most transgendered FtM partners.)

Those are my only NEEDS and real, defined wants in a relationship.

My don't wants list is much longer, but also much more fluid. What I don't want with one partner may become a want with another (or simply an ambivalency.

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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 5:28:50 PM

sophia37

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I think when it comes down to it, its easy to say, sure! I know what I need and dont need! But trying to put the needs and wants and dont wants in to words, well that becomes trickier. Im always amazed by how I think I know myself in and out, but put me to the test and I have to slow waaay down and give it lots of thoughts. Because in some ways I run thru life blindly, and without thought. What I think I need and want can change througout my life. Thats for sure.

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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 5:38:25 PM

Underumam

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For me, needs/wants/must have's/won't haves can be fluid depending on my state of mind, who I'm doing things with, and maturity. ie.what was once good years ago, maybe more or less desirable today. I've also learned to to see and appreciate certain things in others that I was once blind to. Life's a journey, and I only designate a hard limit AFTER I've tried it and found it repulsive.

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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 6:20:29 PM

MistressLamia

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I think knowing what you do not want is better than knowing what you do want. That way you can be pleasantly surprised when something comes up you do like. You also have more places to explore.

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I have to say that it's not a very well thought out question......apologies for that. Unfinished thoughts and all that.

The things I am certain about are few.....and lay on the *do not want* side. I do not want any more children., I do not like being cold-caned severely, for example...I don't have the same level of certainty about the things I like. This isn;t to say that I'm not certain about what I like or would like etc......but on first examination the few *do not want or like* things seem awfully set in stone. Certain. Absolutely sure.

Interesting to read how other's think.

agirl

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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 8:57:54 PM

missturbation

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I know what i want and what i don't want right now.
Ask me again in a week though and i'll probably have changed my mind.

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RE: On balance... - 1/13/2009 10:19:16 PM

StormsSlave

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I think it's easier to TELL people what I don't want, cause that list is shorter and more easily defined. I am completely confident in what it is that I do and don't want.

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 7:01:40 AM

Jeptha

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I have a fairly good grasp of what I like and don't like.
I try not to set things in stone, though.
And I don't necessarily expect to find all the things I would like in one person.
For myself, there seems to have been times when I've been more willing to compromise, and other times when I've decided not to as much.

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 7:28:36 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

After reading a thread on another site which touched on the fact that a lot of profiles contain a lot of * I don't want this and I don't want that*...The question isn't to do with profiles though, but a general curiosity.

Do you think you are more certain about the things you DO want or about the things you don't?

I'll start by saying that I am more certain of things that I do NOT want or like.

agirl

I am more certain about the things I do not like. They are things that I either find repugnant for reasons relating to my spirituality/emotional health/morality/intelligence or they just hold zilch interest for me. However, though there are core "absolutes"...the big "3" come to mind along with a couple of other things...that list of "don't wants" has decreased as I have taken a second look at some things. Example: at one time in my life, I was absolutely certain that I did NOT want to share my partner with someone else in any fashion whatsoever. In the last 15 years, that changed. BUT, in order for it to change, I had to look at ways that I could do it and have found those ways in which it could work for me. Ironically, in order for something that I swore I could not do to become something I could do, there had to be things that could not happen...as well as those things that could...attached to it. I think most of us work this way...once we decide to try something, we have to put qualifiers on it, at least at first, to do our best to make sure it works in a way that is good for us.

The list of things I "know" I want/have to have has changed. At one time, a Corvette was at the top of that list...now, tis not so important. At one time, a big and fancy house was on the top of that list...again, now tis not so important. I want a vehicle that gets me from here to there reliably and I want my hot rods and my motorcycle...anything else is a bonus. I want a house that I can live in comfortably but I don't wish to be a slave to a house payment book. But, there are things I DO have to have. Example: I want a partner who is compatible in the areas that matter to me--- romantic interest, sexuality, affection, intelligence, communication, finances, D/s.

That leaves a lot of leeway in-between those two and it is an area I wish to explore.

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 10:36:07 AM

JustDarkness

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People are egoistic when they search. They want to satisfy themselfs often first....that is why the "DO wants" can be read more

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 10:49:41 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I had a monk under whom I was training explain to me once that the Universe only comprehends the existence of a thing, not its absence... so if we focus on a thing, whether we have a "want" or "don't want" concept in our own minds is irrelevant... that thing will manifest in our lives because it has come into the sphere of attention, and the Universe interprets any attention in much the same way as Paris Hilton or a lonely 2-year-old... any attention is -good- attention.

With that as a background, I focus on what I -want- in my life, rather than what I don't want. I figure that, if I need to give attention to something, it makes sense not -only- in terms of what my mentor taught me, but also from exposure to other people's thoughts on the matter, including books like "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale and "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings" By Rob Brezny. As someone who has a fetish about words, it seems like a very positive challenge to find ways to express the shaping of my life into terms that are receptive and pro-active, rather than reactive and victim-promoting, so I opt for "want" instead of "don't want".

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 10:55:54 AM

feydeplume

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That is a really beautiful way to think about the world and what comes your way

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RE: On balance... - 1/14/2009 1:30:24 PM

agirl

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Thanks to everyone that have given their thoughts and views.....it's been really interesting reading them and thinking about how others see this and how they apply it.

Just picking up a comment by Calla regarding focus......I don't actually focus on what I don't want at all because they are noted and 'put to bed', so to speak. I hadn't realised how FEW things I felt absolutely certain about, but found those that I have were mostly * do not want*.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 1/14/2009 1:31:05 PM >

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