How does a girl become a Mistress? (Full Version)

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slave48forU -> How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 7:41:06 PM)

I have a question, hoping for answers and advises by Mistresses.
I just met a girl on my holiday for 3 weeks. Being a slave, I tried to introduce her to BDSM and D/s relationship. She is definitely interested, loving to be served and worshipped. But some things make her hesitate, since she loves me it's natural for her to be kind and to be a good gf to me. She never heard much about BDSM before she met, so some things - like spanking - makes her stop wanting to think about being a Mistress.
So I want to make her see that a D/s relationship can be filled with both love and happiness and to make her stop feeling bad about treating me as a slave.
How can I make her become my happy Mistress, not afraid to think about her own pleasure only and not afraid to punish her slave?
So thankful for Your advices.



Sexycelticlady -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 7:46:22 PM)

In my opinion you cannot "make" anyone be anything. If it is what she enjoys doing then she will learn and develop at her own rate. It seems early on in the relationship. If it were me and my partner was genuinely interested, I would take her to some local events/munches maybe clubs and provide her with the acceptance she will need to take her own path.



slavekal -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 8:03:56 PM)

You have to go slowly and carefully with a girl like that.  But if you handle it right, you may be surprised at how sadistic she might be deep down.  She might be surprised as well.  I have seen it happen more than once.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 8:20:39 PM)

You cannot "make her" into something she doesn't want to be. Does she really want this in the way that you need, or is she domming you to please YOU??? If she's doing it to mainly to please you, that makes you the dom. If you are truly in the submissive role then show it by letting her take things at her own pace, and doing what she wants. Otherwise, she'll end up eventually resenting you and wondering why you had to try to make her into something she's not. She'll wonder why the real her wasn't good enough for you. She'll cry bitter tears, and go looking for someone who will see her for, and appreciate her for, who she really is.

I am not trying to be harsh, I'm only trying to save the two of you a lot of heartache. I am so tired of "do me" subs on this site who want to make their vanilla girlfriends into Dommes. Go put the time and effort in to find someone who is already so inclined, instead of trying to make these poor girls into what you want. To reiterate, trying to get her to be the Domme of your dreams makes YOU the dom. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

If you get someone who already identifies as a Domme, you can make sure your personalities, goals and your kinks match up well, before you even meet. Then you won't waste your time or hers, trying to "make" your perfect Domme out of someone who really deserves to be valued for who she really is, not who you wish she were.



MistresseLotus -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 8:37:06 PM)

It'll either be in her nature of it will not.  If not.. she will play the part to please you because she cares for you.



Loliita -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 9:30:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistresseLotus

It'll either be in her nature of it will not.  If not.. she will play the part to please you because she cares for you.


^^^ What she said. I don't think you can create a dominant person. Maybe a person's personality can become more dominant after they grow older or if they spend some time in prison.

She could pretend to be a domme because she loves you but then you would really be the dominant because you would be telling her what to do to you. Can you live with that? On the Soprano's they called it topping from the bottom or bottom topping. I don't know what the official bdsm term is.



hopelesslyInvo -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 9:39:51 PM)

maybe she already is one, in the same way you became a 'slave', all it will take to do so is to self proclaim "i am a ________". 

but if you want to make her into a mistress who likes to spank you and 'treat you like a slave' here's what you need to do [if only philosophically]

you put a whip in her hand... it's just that simple.  if she wants to use it, she will, if she doesn't want to, she won't take interest even if she were to go through with it once or twice for the sake of things.

beyond that, it's just time to realize being a 'mistress' doesn't mean spanking people and treating them 'any certain way'.  if you're wanting her to be "not afraid to think about her own pleasure", then the best way to start would be by indulging her in her pleasures, not trying to convince her she should share yours. 

anyone can get attached to such attention, from there it's a matter of whether or not she'll take the ball and run with it, else it should be obvious it's not for her. 

it will never be a matter of "you're doing it wrong, this is how a mistress should be", but you'll probably know she has indeed become a 'mistress' the day you say "i want to be spanked" and she says "good for you, but it's not what i want, and it's not what i'm going to do." 

in short, just give her the opportunity, then wait for her to decide where things lead, if anywhere. 

i don't believe it's so simple as to say 'it's in their nature, or it isn't', sure many of us are submissive or dominant in nature, but that means nothing in the case of whether or not they'll enjoy living a certain [this] way; many of the people that want to be 'slaves' are bratty, arrogant, and pigheaded people who do things that people would deign to say 'makes them not a submissive/slave', and many dom/mes like to also be spanked or other such things that people would also be so rash as to say makes them very undomly. [8|]  one thing's for sure though, there's no such thing as a 'mistress nature', there's no guarantee that somewhere inside of her that there even is a 'beast to unleash', and even if she was more dominant than most of the people on here claim to be, that doesn't mean for a second that she will for some reason be obligated to have the slightest interest in bdsm.

"you can lead a horse to water", that's the best advice i can give.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 10:19:33 PM)

Yes, that's the BDSM term for it: topping from the bottom.

    In the beginning, I got upset when my slave made suggestions to me, and told him to quit topping me from the bottom. But now I'm more tolerant of it. Whether or not I actually use any of his suggestions, or even let him express them at all, is up to me, after all. I think in the beginning I just wasn't very secure in my role (having switched).

Ultimately the goal for my slave and I is our mutual growth and self-actualization, and we already knew from the start that our core needs and desires in and out of bed fit together very nicely... So before too long I realized that knowing more specifics about his dreams and desires is a good thing because it can help me understand him better. But, OP: the key here is that I already identified as Dominant and I defined the dynamic of our relationship from the start. He's not trying to make me into something I'm not. I'm not doing things just to please him, or trying to be someone I'm not.


As a matter of fact off the top of my head I can only think of two things he's suggested that I've ever put into practice. Both are yummy, though. Since our needs matched very closely to begin with, neither idea was a stretch at all for me. Are you getting this, OP? If you start with someone who is already a good match for you in D/s in addition to other things, you will have an exponentially better chance of being truly fullfilled.... Rather than being stuck with someone who might be a good match for you in other areas but who realistically, may not have much likelihood of ever being, or even wanting to be the kind of Domme you truly dream of.



chiaThePet -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/15/2009 10:39:17 PM)


Menstruation?

What?

chia* (the pet)



LaTigresse -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 3:02:22 AM)

Actually that isn't too far off.[:D]

She may very well be dominant but unsure of herself and her dominance. 10 years ago I was dominant and bossy as hell. Loved people doing things for me, etc etc.....

BUT......... I had a very naive and clueless view of BDSM. It took several years of getting to know people that really did this stuff. Talking to slaves that had served, masochists that explained things from their side of the paddle. Finally I started to "get it". Then, it took a few years longer before I felt I was ready for the responsibility of actually DOING it, of someone trusting me enough to consider calling me Mistress.

Be patient, educate without being pushy. Don't try and get her to do things to you, just serve her by providing information and perhaps introducing her to others from both sides of the slash. She will find her own path.



beeble -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 3:24:37 AM)

quote:

dreamerdreaming wrote:
In the beginning, I got upset when my slave made suggestions to me, and told him to quit topping me from the bottom. But now I'm more tolerant of it. Whether or not I actually use any of his suggestions, or even let him express them at all, is up to me, after all.

Exactly.  There's nothing wrong with suggestions or even requests, as long as they're not nagging and the sub doesn't get all pouty if they're turned down.  Quite a few of the things we do are things that I initially suggested but it's always my Mistress's decision.

beeble



beeble -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 3:27:13 AM)

quote:

slave48forU wrote:
How can I make her become my happy Mistress, not afraid to think about her own pleasure only and not afraid to punish her slave?

By, first of all, accepting that it might not be her pleasure to punish you.

beeble.



PeonForHer -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 4:47:34 AM)

I did this once, S48.  Beyond the issue of whether or not it's actually in her to be dominant, I found that absolutely the key thing was to encourage her be the mistress she wants to be.  That might end up not being what you expect at all. 



Dnomyar -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 5:07:28 AM)

What does being in prison have to do with being a Dom. What if your the bottom. Will you still come out a Dom?



MistressAinCT -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 5:09:03 AM)

Did I read that right-after 3 weeks she loves you?  Who's the REAL top?  just kidding...

I have always been kinky but I became a Top for a boyfriend.  But because I already had the seed of interest, I took it upon Myself to read, explore, ask questions, do research etc-anything I needed to do to learn what this life and lifestyle was all about.  My point is this: I agree with the other posters that you can't force or make her into anything. I WANTED to do this.  And I'm glad I did.

I have heard so many stories from male subs who tell Me their wives or girlfriends USED to be Dommes, but then after the relationship got started or more commonly, after they got married and had kids, the women left the lifestyle leaving the subs with nothing.  This should tell you something about doing something for someone you love: it doesn't always work out.  So while she might be doing this for you, after all is said and done if it isn't in her soul or heart, it isn't going to last.  The other thing is that if you DO top from the bottom, you are only going to teach her what YOU like which could be a fraction of what is really out there or what might interest her. And another sad bit of info: you might find out SHE is really sub, too. 

On the other hand, you might turn her into a Dominant Monster.  A real BitchGoddess who will have you naked and kneeling 24-7. ( Not a bad gig if you can get it, but not realistic either).  So Dr. frankenstein, ready for what might await you?

But when someone asks Me how they can learn I send them to four books, one of them VERY hard to find: Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia (he used to be Patricia), and Gloria Brame's Different Loving.  There is also The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book  by Easton and Hardy (she should understand your side of it, too) to start with.  I like these books because they ARE no nonsense.  One has to be careful because there is so much BS in D/s it isn't funny. 

Just one more thing: as much as  submissives like to be guinea pigs, some  things should really be handled by more experienced Dominants at first.  I know you are going to HATE this suggestion, but you might want to take her to a Pro so she can see what's what.  Learning to flog can be a painful experience for both (a single tail took some of My flesh off several times) and not in a good way.  Clubs are another way she can watch and learn, get ideas, etc and possibly watch good technique and safety issues. 

Well, that was My long winded, know it all answer.  And yet, I am still learning Myself and I have been at this over 20 years.  Go figga....

Good luck!



PeonForHer -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 5:14:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

What does being in prison have to do with being a Dom. What if your the bottom. Will you still come out a Dom?


I was wondering the same thing . . .



VampiresLair -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 5:23:21 AM)

If it isnt something she enjoys, no matter how much coaxing she has she wont become your dome. Not everyone is mistress material. It isnt in everyone's nature and trying to force it will do one of two things. A) she will leave because you are consistently making her uncomfortable. B) She will do it to humor you, and she will not actually dominate you at all.

Which do you find preferable? Or, if you really like her why do you not just accept her as she is and see where things take you?



CatdeMedici -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 5:40:57 AM)

(A): you're in love after THREE weeks?? on holiday?? oy
 
(B) maybe not referring to her as a "girl"--Ladies are Dominants not girls.



thetammyjo -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 7:45:59 AM)

Buy and give her this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Dominant-Woman-Workbook-Beginners/dp/1890159115/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232120717&sr=8-1

then let her read it at her own pace and let her try things at her own pace.



Sexycelticlady -> RE: How does a girl become a Mistress? (1/16/2009 11:28:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Buy and give her this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Dominant-Woman-Workbook-Beginners/dp/1890159115/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232120717&sr=8-1

then let her read it at her own pace and let her try things at her own pace.


Thank you for posting this recommendation Thetammyjo, I have ordered it for myself.



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