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trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 11:24:02 AM   
curiousub88


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline 		I'm expecting this post to be a little controversial, and while i'm just trying to understand dommes better, i'm sure this will get some people pissed off because i will be expressing my opinions that i know are different.

What i've been wondering is: are women ever in charge when it comes to sex? I know (or assume) that domme's think this way because they are controlling their environment. Yet, i feel that sex is a man's domain, he is the one constantly looking for it, asking for it and it is usually the woman that holds them back and lets them wait and its generally the woman who gives the go-ahead to have sex. With that said, i'm wondering, are female pro-dommes or really any domme that has multiple partners (or clients) anything different from a prostitute? Prostitutes go after mainstream men while dommes go after the underground and less common kind of man. I understand that a lot of domme's don't engage in sexual activity with clients or partners, yet are you not still giving sexual satisfaction to the guy who gets to see you parade around in lingerie or leather that shows off your figure, or maybe even cleavage? Not to mention how the guys coming are looking for some sort of pleasure, and for the masochist, they are getting a kind of sexual pleasure. Comparing Prostitutes to dommes with multiple partners/clients, they seem very much alike, they are getting paid by the guy and the guy is getting sexually aroused (unless someone wants to dispute this?).

I'm going to guess that some people will reply that who is in power makes all the difference. What i say to that is this: strippers are in the same position. They are in power when it comes to the men who walk into the strip club, they use techniques to get the cash from their wallets and have the men in their power by dancing around in their skimpy outfits. But at what cost? Yes, the women have power, but at the cost of objectifying theirselves, and not to mention that when we look at the greater scale, men are supporting these women, they somehow or another got into this job (be it desperately needing money or just easy money) which was created by men. So women may have some power, but men have a much greater power because they created this industry.

So to kind of wrap up: do the dommes think of themselves as an alternative slut/whore/prostitute or do they see the power difference  as the exception or some other angle i'm not covering? I know this will get some pissed off, as i said before, but i want to understand this better, i want to hear your opinions. Convince me otherwise! I love women and i do understand there are many dommes who don't act like this, but this type of domme has sparked a curiousity in me. What makes it ok/not ok to act this way?
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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 11:30:50 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You are not asking for the sake of better understanding.  You are asking to inform us of your stance and wishing for a debate.  The way I see it... I have no need to change your mind... for the most part it is pretty much settled on your opinions.  Far be it for a simple domme such as myself to convince you of anything.  I would have to find some worth to my efforts and believe me, I have run into block walls that said they were only brick before... both are a hassle.

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 11:33:28 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, consider it this way. I am an editor. What I -do- is basically a service. Researchers and writers create their work, and they send it to me. They pay me to go over it, determine whether it has any value, write all over it in red pen, crossing things out and telling them how to re-write their creation, and then I send it back to them to do the work.

In many ways, being a professional dominant is no different a profession than editing. An individual has created hirself over the course of a lifetime. Xhe comes to -me- and pays me to scrutinize, chastize, and re-direct hir. I 'red ink' hir until xhe meets my satisfaction, then send hir home to finish up.

Who has the power? The person who brings the manuscript and pays me to critique and correct their work, or -me-, as the editor, with the power to undercut their egos and re-shape their creation? I say that I have the power. They have to -bribe- me to have an interest in their work... but if I say "This chapter is completely ineffective. Rewrite it!" and they choose not to do it, they may doom their work to lifelong oblivion, and most folks aren't willing to risk that, so they prefer to do as I say -and- pay me to say it, painful though it may be.


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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 11:51:04 AM   
curiousub88


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline 		i have strong opinions, yes, but i'm asking if there are flaws to my reasoning, is there something i'm missing or overlooking, do i have the wrong angle on how i look at sex and the relationship of power involved in it?

I'm posing these questions more as a curiousity, i'm using my opinions as a jumping off point, because i'm taking a class about feminism and one of the types of feminists i read about are lesbian feminists, who believe that having sex with a man is in and of itself a form of oppression. Maybe i should've just asked that question.

< Message edited by curiousub88 -- 1/16/2009 11:58:43 AM >

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 11:58:21 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		How can you ask that when you already knew you were going to piss some people off?  You have thought a lot about this enough to know that your views would piss people off... so where is this trying to understand business coming from?  Do you really hope we will point out your error so you can be corrected?

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 12:33:31 PM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

curiousub88 wrote: What i've been wondering is: are women ever in charge when it comes to sex?

Consider the obvious femdom example of a man tied down to the bed.

quote:

Yet, i feel that sex is a man's domain, he is the one constantly looking for it, asking for it and it is usually the woman that holds them back and lets them wait and its generally the woman who gives the go-ahead to have sex.

Unless both partners give the go-ahead, it's called ``rape''.  Also, I hear rumours that some women actually enjoy sex and ask their partners for it.  Also also, in your world, where men ask for sex and women turn them down, surely that's a form of control?

quote:

With that said, i'm wondering, are female pro-dommes or really any domme that has multiple partners (or clients) anything different from a prostitute?

A prostitute is somebody who offers sexual services in exchange for payment.  So the lack of payment is a stunningly obvious difference between a lifestyle Domme and a prostitute.  And your comparison of Dommes with prostitutes isn't based on anything to do with dominance so you really seem to be asking if there's really any difference between a prostitute and any woman who interacts sexually with a man.

quote:

Prostitutes go after mainstream men while dommes go after the underground and less common kind of man. I understand that a lot of domme's don't engage in sexual activity with clients or partners, yet are you not still giving sexual satisfaction to the guy who gets to see you parade around in lingerie or leather that shows off your figure, or maybe even cleavage?

Um.
  1. It's possible to be dominant without parading around in sexy/uncomfortable clothes.
  2. Any woman who walks down the street in a short skirt and high heels may be giving sexual satisfaction to any guy (and even some women!) who sees her -- does that make her a prostitute, too?
quote:

Not to mention how the guys coming are looking for some sort of pleasure, and for the masochist, they are getting a kind of sexual pleasure. Comparing Prostitutes to dommes with multiple partners/clients, they seem very much alike, they are getting paid by the guy and the guy is getting sexually aroused (unless someone wants to dispute this?).

Me!  Me!  I want to dispute.
  1. The getting paid thing.  Dommes who aren't pro aren't getting paid.
  2. The getting sexually aroused thing.  There are lots of people for whom BDSM isn't a sexual thing.
quote:

So to kind of wrap up: do the dommes think of themselves as an alternative slut/whore/prostitute or do they see the power difference  as the exception or some other angle i'm not covering?

There is some other angle you're not covering.  I can think of at least two, actually.
  1. You appear to have no clue what a Domme is.
  2. You appear to have no clue what a prostitute is.
beeble.

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 12:46:31 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		When I was a Domme I never charged any of my subs.  I did not allow them to have sex with me, either.  Were they turned on?  You bet.  I was good at what I did and I made their fantasies into realities.  However, it was basically a gift since I charged nothing.

A person has a right to charge for a service if they see fit.  Most Dommes give much more service than simply allowing a man to have sex with them - if that is allowed at all.  Being a good Dominant takes a lot of hard work, knowledge of the human body as far as health and safety go, enough care to build up a trust in their sub and get them to open up, and a willingness to seek fulfillment for both parties.  To do the job well takes a lot of effort and hard work.  Prostitutes typically have little say in what is done to them other than perhaps enforcing a condom rule.  They are among the most defiled and abused population on earth and are commonly misunderstood.  Perhaps the true common link between a prostitute and a Domme is that they are so seldom truly understood by outsiders.


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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:02:44 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Another pro-domme = prostitute thread?  S'cuse my while I find a container for my joy. 
 
There are dozens of threads that will answer your questions, OP.  Try using the Search feature to find them.  (Where the heck is LA with her Amazing Powers of Thread-Fu?)  After you've read everything you can find about the general attitudes toward female dominance and professional female dominantion, then come back prepared to have a discussion.

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:17:22 PM   
MISTRESSKUMA


Posts: 226
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		So many guys have "Women issues" and cry and whine in here all the time. Paints a clear, sad picture. Projection and deflection as bitterness or insecurity. So sad. No really.

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:26:07 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousub88

I'm expecting this post to be a little controversial, and while i'm just trying to understand dommes better, i'm sure this will get some people pissed off because i will be expressing my opinions that i know are different.



Your post is less "controversial" and more "ignorant" because you seem to be addressing issues surrounding pro-doms (or your impression of them) yet, the vast majority of doms on this board (and in general) are not pros at all.

I can't speak for others, but I don't wear fetish attire, so I'm not sure how I am objectifying myself in scanty clothing for the pleasure of men. If a guy gets hard from my levi's and combat boots, then more power to him, cause that's all I'm ever going to dress up in.

Did you ever consider women who don't involve money in this at all? Judging by your post, it seems you're unaware that many of us live this way day to day. If you were only referring to professionals, you might want to make a note to say so in the future.

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:32:48 PM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		I'd like to ask the poster this question: did you ever serve a lifestyle domme?  Give her a pedicure, or serve her a favorite food or drink.  Did you brush her hair or bend over while she spanks you?  I am willing to bet that the answer here is no.

If you want to "understand" dommes, find one with the patience to train you.

Feminist Lesbians, prostitutes.. what does this have to do with lifestyle dommes who have male subs?  nothing.

Wouldn't you be insulted if someone tried to seriously convince you your mom was a whore. I could do it, but I am afraid that the post would be removed.  The point being--a lifestyle domme is not that different from your own treasured female relatives, just someone who choses to express herself differently than the way you grew up.

You're not trying to "understand" anything, you're simply insulting femdoms. I wonder why?

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:48:37 PM   
Reigna


Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousub88

What i've been wondering is: are women ever in charge when it comes to sex? ... Yet, i feel that sex is a man's domain, he is the one constantly looking for it, asking for it and it is usually the woman that holds them back and lets them wait and its generally the woman who gives the go-ahead to have sex.


Assuming that this characterization is correct--a big assumption, but let's leave it for now--how is the man in charge?

Here's a bit of friendly advice: Apologize and withdraw this post. This will not end well.


< Message edited by Reigna -- 1/16/2009 1:51:30 PM >

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 1:51:41 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousub88

I'm expecting this post to be a little controversial, and while i'm just trying to understand dommes better, i'm sure this will get some people pissed off because i will be expressing my opinions that i know are different.



Your post is less "controversial" and more "ignorant" because you seem to be addressing issues surrounding pro-doms (or your impression of them) yet, the vast majority of doms on this board (and in general) are not pros at all.

Did you ever consider women who don't involve money in this at all? Judging by your post, it seems you're unaware that many of us live this way day to day. If you were only referring to professionals, you might want to make a note to say so in the future.


What DominaSmartass said.

Your post should be titled "Understanding PRO- Dommes". As far as I know, the huge majority of Dommes here on CM are not pros. Do you just not understand
that most of us here are not doing this for any sort of financial gain at all? If you want to know about pro- Dommes, ask them.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 1/16/2009 1:53:38 PM >

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:04:37 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		*gathers up all of the hugs and puppies from this topic and moves them out to a safe distance*

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 1/16/2009 2:10:51 PM >

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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:05:13 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousub88
What i've been wondering is: are women ever in charge when it comes to sex? I know (or assume) that domme's think this way because they are controlling their environment. Yet, i feel that sex is a man's domain, he is the one constantly looking for it, asking for it and it is usually the woman that holds them back and lets them wait and its generally the woman who gives the go-ahead to have sex.


Going by your way of thinking, I would say the woman is the one in charge.  Men may constantly look and ask, but without the woman's permission you would be talking about rape.
quote:


With that said, i'm wondering, are female pro-dommes or really any domme that has multiple partners (or clients) anything different from a prostitute? Prostitutes go after mainstream men while dommes go after the underground and less common kind of man. I understand that a lot of domme's don't engage in sexual activity with clients or partners, yet are you not still giving sexual satisfaction to the guy who gets to see you parade around in lingerie or leather that shows off your figure, or maybe even cleavage? Not to mention how the guys coming are looking for some sort of pleasure, and for the masochist, they are getting a kind of sexual pleasure. Comparing Prostitutes to dommes with multiple partners/clients, they seem very much alike, they are getting paid by the guy and the guy is getting sexually aroused (unless someone wants to dispute this?).


I'd love to know how you've formed your opinions on women and Dommes.  To assume that all Dommes are professionals who are strutting around in revealing lace/leather lingerie waiting to be paid by all the male subs they play with smacks(pun intended) of too much porn viewing. 
 
You mention in your profile that "i have problems being social, and that while i'm trying to work on it, it is still a problem for me." and that you're looking for a "maternal figure".  I would like to suggest you take the time to meet women who are lifestyle or real life Dominant women before you jump to judgements. It would be easy for others to jump to a quick judgement about you, but that would be uninformed and based only on a few statements you've shared with this online world.  Don't you prefer a person get to know you and not the image they have of you?
 
 If you truly have a desire to understand Dommes, drop your pre-concieved notions and get to a munch where I'm sure you'll meet a few. You might be surprised to find that many (not all but many) Dommes are mothers/wives/sisters/lovers/business owners/students who happen to enjoy/thrive/prefer being the dominant partner within a relationship.



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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:14:00 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		No... he says that dominant's that have more than one submissive are like sluts/whores... He isn't just talking pro-dominant's.

A lot of this is simply youth speaking and ignorance... but I do detect some real attitude.  Taking a class in feminism and relating a lot of things together... the way he does... simply shows a young man who has some clear issues with women and how he views them and some real confusion on what motivates or what is behind human sexual behavior.  I doubt a class in feminism would be a good start in understanding it all.



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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:16:10 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		The OP is pretty boring and misdirected. This crap has been brought up before, and everybody knows how it usually plays out. Many of the responses have been just as predictable and misguided. There have been some good, rational replies, but they're drops in the bucket of predictable knee-jerk vitriol.

Disagree all you want, and attack his opinions as strongly as you want. But you'd look a lot better if the arguments against him were rational. The fact that someone has opinions doesn't make it impossible for him to learn from debate. And the fact that you don't agree with his opinions doesn't make him a whiner. The only whining I've seen here has been in some of the responses to the OP.

(in reply to curiousub88)
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RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:16:30 PM   
GreenesGirl


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline 		You're 20 years old, and you admit that you are both shy and not well socially adept.  H

I strongly suggest that you have to accept that you really have no clue how women - let alone dominant women - tick;  put your outdated off the wall notions to one side, and open your mind to learning.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:39:01 PM   
MsConduit


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline 		I don't know why we are all giving this idiot the attention he obviously craves, but here goes My two cents:

As a pro, I don't even allow a male to TOUCH ME, never mind himself.  If he wants someone to parade in underwear, I send him to the nearest strip joint.  That isn't what most male clients want, anyway.  They want DOMINATION, which can encompass many things, but if they are with Me, its good old fashioned BDSM and nothing more.  If they want release, they do it in their car when they leave or banging their wife when they get home.  It doesn't happen in My presence.

you will find that I am not alone in this thinking: business IS business.  But if a pro decides she wants to have some kind of sexual contact with her client that is HER perogative.  He isn't any less responsible if he says YES. 

I think you have sexual contact and touching for the thrill of BDSM confused.  I can touch a man's penis to tie it up, but is that sexual?  If I stick a butt plug up your ass, is that sex?  Perhaps you and Mr. Clinton can have a discussion about what exactly "sex" is. 

I would suggest a few books you could read, but then I'm not sure you know how or would even understand the concepts.  I think you watch too many PORN movies about BDSM and don't spend enough time learning, reading or visiting clubs, or going to munches to talk with live human beings. 

If you think all BDSM encounters end in sex (intercourse with your orgasm), you will have a very unfulfilling life.  Denial is DA BOMB and most of us practice it. 

Get a clue.

(in reply to GreenesGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: trying to better understand female dommes - 1/16/2009 2:46:21 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousub88

i have strong opinions, yes, but i'm asking if there are flaws to my reasoning, is there something i'm missing or overlooking, do i have the wrong angle on how i look at sex and the relationship of power involved in it?

I'm posing these questions more as a curiousity, i'm using my opinions as a jumping off point, because i'm taking a class about feminism and one of the types of feminists i read about are lesbian feminists, who believe that having sex with a man is in and of itself a form of oppression. Maybe i should've just asked that question.


Yes, you should have asked what you wanted to know...plain and simple. 
 
I would suggest, in your study of feminism, that you explore the differences between pro-sex/sex-positive feminism and radical feminism. That is if you want to use feminism as your base of study.
 
I still stand by my previous post, though. Get out and take the time to meet real dominant women and try to get past the sex stuff.



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