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are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 3:47:32 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		i am sure this topic has been chewed on many times but at 640 in the morning,this is what i was thinking.sometimes i have a problem being emotional after a scene.i do believe most men are built that way.i know weare all different and react to different things in different ways.my question is,does that make you a poor submissive or slave because for whatever reason and for that particular moment,you are emotionless???I am sure a Domina would not shirk aftercare,so what is it that makes us think sometimes that what just tooh place and the care one is receiving from that seems not to register with some of us emotionally??
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RE: are you a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 3:49:36 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		wow...spellcheck next time sorry to all.

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are you a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 4:01:50 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		It's all right, Chezzy, it was legible. 

Are you sure you're emotionless - or are you actually still floating for a while? 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 5:11:32 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds like what transpired was either not a lot of fun for you, or you were emotionally detached to begin with, and unaffected by what took place.
Either way, it's unfortunate, because I tend to not want to participate in things that leave me without any feelings, and wonder if you too feel disapointed in this instance.     M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:09:15 AM   
LadyLou


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		 
It's different for me, and I have to disagree about your statement of 'men being built that way'. My sub is often full of emotion immediately after playing, where as I am more often 'detached'. Not that I am not feeling anything, I'm feeling loads - but I am zoned out (and feeling blissed) and I have to make a deliberate effort to focus on him afterwards. If I allowed myself stayed in that zone and do what I wanted, I'd go make a hearty sandwich and then find a quiet space to myself for a while whilst I slowly zone in and recharge (or just fall asleep lol). But I figure, I've just roughed him up, he has allowed me to take huge liberty with is body and he needs me, the least I can do focus on him and give him the aftercare he needs lol. It's not that I am not concerned with his well being - quite the opposite, it just takes that mental shift... to change the gear over in my brain, when I need some chill time.



So, applying my situation to your question, I don't think it makes you a bad submissive to be in that zone, or feel emotionless after playing. For a lot of people scening is an emotional exercise and well as a physical one, and when played well, will leave you either drained, or on a on a high (or both) for a while. For some people after an emotional experience, the brain shuts down whilst it recharges and gathers itself. It's perfectly natural for some people

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:17:21 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		The zone your're in is the zone you're in.  When I play, I am being most fully myself, and I expect the same from my partner.  You should be free to react naturally to whatever happens, good or bad. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:25:22 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline
Eh, I roll over and go to sleep.

Especially after a good round of turkey play.

You're only a poor sub if you spend all your money on Wimons and Porn.

Don't sweat the small items. (not necessarily speaking of cbt here)

chia* (the pet)


_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:54:39 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		IMHO, My play is the result of emotion, I cannot enter a scene if there is not some kind of connection--the more detailed the play, the deeper the connection--without that I feel a danger not to be in tune to the sub's responses--so not sure what you mean by emotionless--as emotion is subjective---if you go ho hum and tell Me I hit like a girl--you won't sleep again till the train drops your ass off.---if its hugs and back to the grind, if its sleep (chia sleeps on My garden sill)--that's ok too--I think it depends on the relationship between the two and the dynamic--
 
( and I am SO glad even with poopy spelling to see you post, as I think that will help your renewal process)

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I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 7:46:41 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for being honest as ever.Maybe i worded it wrong but there were times with others when there was impact play involved and i didn't feel anything but the sting on my backside.Perhaps another thought entered my mind for whatever reason and i wasn't focused..but even more telling might i knew that the play invloved would not lead to any kind of lasting relationship.Perhaps deep down and at the time all of this happened,i was more focused on wishing and needing somebody in my life on a daily basis not necessarily scening everyday which we all know is quite impossible with everyday life.The bottom line was i didn't feel any emotional attachment..and i think that is very dangerous.I know Mistress will bring me along gradually i just don't want this to rear its ugly head again..i am positive it won't..it is just a concern right now and i am sure i will be reassured in a positive light.Again thank you all.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 9:36:41 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I think that for some, as you have said in your post, it is a challenge to be emotionally open.  If you are emotionally open, then you are/can be vulnerable. 

I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where both parties are feed the each other.  The submissive needs to experience the stimulation/sensation, and the Dominant needs the reaction that giving the stimulation/sensation provides.  (NOTE: This is not a one-twue way definition, and only represents the view of ottersswim, his affiliates, and subsidiaries.)

I view my goal as being as emotionally open to my Lady as I am physically open.  I imagine that this somewhat limits my pain tolerance, but I think it heightens her experience - certainly heightens mine.   Likewise, when she is open to me, then we experience a kind of connection and ability to "see" into the other.  It is amazing and wonderfully gratifying, but sometimes that can also be very scary when intense stuff from life comes at you

Opening up like that can take time and IMO, should not be rushed.


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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 12:46:44 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Dissociation is probably not a good sign when interacting with any other human being, but especially in BDSM. If my submissive "went away" to a numb or empty, non-connected place during a scene I would stop immediately. Subspace is one thing, but this sounds like something very different and very not-good.

I don't know if you have suffered any history of past abuse or violence, but your sessions may be triggering a defense mechanism of some kind. I would track down when this feeling begins and ends very carefully, and avoid whatever activity causes it in the future.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to OttersSwim)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 2:31:09 PM   
IamShe


Posts: 24
Joined: 1/3/2009
Status: offline 		chezzy71,

I have always been told, and have found it to be very true, that men simply aren't emotionally wired the way women are.  Ergo, I don't think it's unusual if a sub is not feeling an 'emotional connection' to a Domme after a session.

Particularly if the sub is involved with the Domme on a play level and not on a deeper, personal level.

Finding a Domme with whom you feel an emotional connection would be VERY difficult to do, and then it would be more likely to be a Domme you felt enamored of BEFORE you engaged in any sort of BDSM scenarios.  Tough act, that.

I don't believe that men 'develop emotional ties' over time. 

With regard to your current partner, explore the relationship and give the dynamics time to develop.  In the meantime, enjoy your responses to the BDSM activities and do your best to please Her on HER emotional level.

If that 'deep connection' doesn't blind you like a bolt of lightening somewhere down the line, you'll have to accept the fact that you have to go back to the drawing board and search again.

If, in fact, a deep emotional connection is what you want out of the relationship.

Good luck to you,

I am She

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:11:01 PM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

chezzy71 wrote:
i am sure this topic has been chewed on many times but at 640 in the morning,this is what i was thinking.sometimes i have a problem being emotional after a scene.i do believe most men are built that way.i know weare all different and react to different things in different ways.my question is,does that make you a poor submissive or slave because for whatever reason and for that particular moment,you are emotionless???

Isn't this something you should be discussing with your Domme?  People may have differing opinions on how a sub ought to behave after a scene and so on -- it's much more important that you meet your own dominant's expectations in this regard than anyone else's.

beeble.


_____________________________

Kita's owned slutpet.

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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 6:45:43 PM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Chez, do you have problems being emotionally detached at other times?  I've seen other posts where you seemed to be quite enamored of your Mistress.  I know I would be crushed if my sweet Westie were to become detached during or after a session.  He is normally so adoring and affectionate.  In fact, our last session he did seem distant so I stopped immediately and just held him and cuddled him.  Turned out that he was having some rather uncomfortable allergy problems and just couldn't get 'into it' that day.  He was trying so hard to please me, but it made me feel terrible to beat a sick pup.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to beeble)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/17/2009 9:36:47 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline 		I don't know if it means that you're a poor/"bad" sub, but it would make me wonder if you're really sure that it's what you want to be doing.
I'm emotionally detatched almost all the time, and *only* strongly emotional after a scene (or a lot of vodka), not sure if that's better or worse!


_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/18/2009 1:11:16 AM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I think that WIITWD can be used both for fun and for deep psychological voyaging, just as vanilla sex can.

I am naturally somewhat promiscuously natured, and view sex with an intimate friend on the spur of the moment about the same as I would view a friend dropping in and taking me out to a movie; it's a fun and relaxing way to spend an afternoon with someone I like. This absolutely baffles a close friend of mine, who cannot imagine sleeping willingly with another man other than her husband.

BDSM, for me, is a little more heavy. I am going to feel connected on a deep level to anyone I flog, I've discovered. Consequently, I only flog people who I have developed enough of a friendship with to support that connection. I don't necessarily have a deep moment of transcendent understanding when topping them, or even when topping someone I love deeply, and I don't expect them necessarily to either. But I would expect something; we had friendship going in, we do things that, in the end, make everyone happy (I love to get subs flying...) and we have fun. So I would expect the response appropriate to that from the person, within their normal style of interaction with me. And that might be some silence and, "Well, gotta get my clothes on and get moving, see ya later," or it might be extended cuddling and deep conversation.

On the other hand, if we set out to plumb the depths of your great uncertainties and you yawn....well, that's an entirely different matter.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/18/2009 2:23:00 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		Miss Starlett,the scene i spoke of happened four years ago and as fra as Mistress is concerned,we haven't met yet face to face but have know each other for five years.We are in constant contact with each other which is helping alot.She plans a trip to me soon and we are both excited to spend some quality talk time with each other as in the past five years.i certainly appreciate yours and everyone else
s concerns thoughs and thank you for it.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/18/2009 6:09:21 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		So, let me get this straight...
You had an experience 5years ago that left you detached emotionally, and wanted to know what we think about it now?
You are also talking with someone for 5 years, and have not met yet?      M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to chezzy71)
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RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/18/2009 7:39:34 AM   
iwearpanties


Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		wow here iwas thinking you had just bene thru a big time experiance ?    if you have this after many yrs of lay that happned long ago i dont know what too say ?

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: are yiu a poor sub if?? - 1/18/2009 10:38:42 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		To fullFig and iwear...i asked a simple question to start this thread and gave you only a super brief summary of the fledgling relationship Mistress and i have began.So..what gives you both the right to draw such conclusions about me and Mistress as well??

(in reply to iwearpanties)
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