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More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 11:52:26 AM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		I wasn't exactly sure which section to put this in so I decided to stick it here.

I'm going to go into as much depth as I can and all comments, even the "stating the obvious" ones, are welcome.

There's a girl with whom I have gotten to be pretty good friends over the past few months; particularly in the last 6 weeks or so. She's a lot of fun to hang out with and has a great personality. Really she's everything I've been wanting in a S/O. The main problem is that we're not really in a good position to have a true relationship. We're both studying abroad right now, but I go back to school in 4 weeks; she goes back to her school -- there's something like 700 miles separating us.

I have been single for the past 3 years for various reasons but the most prominent of them being that, quite frankly, I don't have enough stability in my life to have the relationship I want. I don't know where I'm going to be after May when I graduate, nor what I'm going to be doing. Now a few weeks ago she came up and asked if I had "more than friend" feelings for her or just thought of her as a friend; the reason being she didn't know how to interpret some of the things I had done, which I still don't quite understand. I told her that I did, in fact, like her as more than a friend and that I wish we had more time together. She responded that she only "liked me as a friend and wasn't looking to start anything more than a friendship."

I sort of interpreted the statement as that she "wasn't looking to start anything more than a friendship...right now." Probably mostly out of wishful thinking, but she asks questions of me that probe a bit deeper than the normal questions friends (have) ask(ed) me. The other day, however, she confided in me that she had met this "wonderful guy back home" just before leaving to go abroad and that instead of trying to do a ldr, they were just talking and forming a good friendship now since he has a girlfriend (and being the analytical person I am, I've thought of, and justified, several reasons for this; that's not important).

There isn't anything else I can think of right this moment I have noticed or thought, what I'm really wanting to hear is: what should/can I do to keep things from stagnating as a friendship when I have really grown to appreciate this girl? Is it a matter of just having patience to wait it out a bit longer until we're both back in the states and more able to make something happen? My other girlfriends weren't really friends before we started dating -- at least not like this -- and I don't really have that many female friends. I want a relationship that genuinely has a chance to be long-term, for once.

-Eric
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 12:01:55 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		To me the answer is obvious- do and say things to clearly communicate to her that you appreciate her and want to try and do more when your life is more stable. 

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(in reply to WannaSPOON)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 12:03:04 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Hmm seems to me that she has made it clear that she just wants to be friends, maybe you are reading too much into her questions or maybe (this does happen) she is playing with you, she likes the fact that you like her and wants to maintain that feeling without being with you. That may be cynical but there we go.

I can see that you like this girl BUT you cant make it something that it isnt, if you want to be her friend be her friend, you cant push it into another mold. Maybe you will end up together maybe not but dont over think it. enjoy what you do have together.

Also not all friends of the opposite sex have to be potential girlfriends (this is totally something that I had to learn)

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 1:03:28 PM   
Carnae7


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline 		Hey Eric,

My heart is breaking for you!!  It seems clear to me that this woman does NOT think of you as anything more than a friend and most likely will not ever see you in any different light.  For her to call you on your behaviours, and then make sure to mention that she's JUST met this guy 'back home' means she is clearly trying to gently let you know that she is not interested in you as anything more - Period!  She also wants you to know that she enjoys and values your friendship, which is why she's not being really blunt and harsh in how she lets you know this.

I think you already know this deep in your heart because of the way you wrote things.  But you're putting it out here in the hopes that someone will confirm what you want to hear.  As I said before, my heart is hurting for you, as I certainly know this place.  But you know what is the truth.  I honestly believe the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize and fully accept the fact that there is not going to be anything more substantial between the two of you than plain, pure, platonic friendship.

Wishing you best and a very big hug!!

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How far is Heaven? Only as far away as my Master.

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 1:11:17 PM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds as if deep down you know the truth, that she cannot see you in the light you would like her to.  If I were in your position, I would opt to distance myself from her, and spare myself any more emotional torment.  I would seek comfort and female companionship elsewhere, and diminish the hold she has over you.  I would immerse myself in things I derive pleasure from, and not feel guilty for doing so.  I'm not sure if its the right approach, but its what I would do.

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 1:32:13 PM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		When I say she confided that in me, I mean something had been bothering her a few days before and I asked her what it was. It wasn't an up-front admission like it sounds. Though she did add a comment about how some days it was hard on her, now that I think about it.

Is there some chance she may not really realize what's in front of her?

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 1:34:50 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Hun you see what you want to. Maybe it is that she is hiding her feelings because of the distance or whatever but only you can ask and find out

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 2:07:46 PM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		Well hell, I KNOW I see what I want to. I just don't want to write it off so suddenly. It's been a long time since I've even had INTEREST in someone nonetheless someone with the qualities I've been wanting to find.

(in reply to colouredin)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 3:23:00 PM   
aravain


Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Hmm seems to me that she has made it clear that she just wants to be friends, maybe you are reading too much into her questions or maybe (this does happen) she is playing with you, she likes the fact that you like her and wants to maintain that feeling without being with you. That may be cynical but there we go.



That's exactly what I thought.

(in reply to colouredin)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 3:57:55 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think you should take what she said at face value and just be "friends".  It really sounds to me like she was trying to let you know she did not have "more" feelings for you, senses that you might, and she was trying to keep the friendship like it is and avoid wrecking it by letting "feelings" go any further than they need to. 

Hey, it's a HUGE world out there.  You will meet many good ones, trust me!   I have a few male just-friends that I treasure.  It's awesome to have that closeness with someone of the opposite sex and not have to worry about what they're thinking or what they really mean or when they'll call, etc.  Just enjoy what you have with her.

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 4:06:26 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WannaSPOON

She responded that she only "liked me as a friend and wasn't looking to start anything more than a friendship." ... I sort of interpreted the statement as that she "wasn't looking to start anything more than a friendship...right now."



If she meant "right now", that's what she would have said.  But she didn't say that.

You're on a slippery slope that often leads to restraining orders.  Now, don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not calling you a stalker.  I'm saying when a women says she is not interested, you should believe her.


Cali


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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 4:51:57 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		If she wanted something more than a "We're buddies" type of relationship with you - she would have said so.
 
 Unlike males, who (in my experience) tend to hide such things and pussyfoot around the subject for as long as humanly possible and then some, women are a lot more likely to open up and make it obvious if they want to persue or consider persuing something less casual.  It's frequently a sticking point, where a gal has to practically hit him over the head with a clue by four before he realizes there's more going on (interest wise) for her than he's noticed.   
 
{ Yes, that's my rather unsubtle way of saying most guys are dense as BRICKS when it comes to emotional involvement - not all, Most.}
 
I've got a Lot of male friends.  I mean a LOT of male friends.  None of whom (currently) I have the slightest interest in having a Relationship with - although a couple of 'em would be consider as potential fuckbuddies if I didn't already know what their responce would be to such an offer lol.  My best friend is very male - I care about him more deeply than I do the majority of my relatives by a long shot - but I would never consider a romantic relationship with him even if he weren't living with his girlfriend, their year old spawn who is my goddaughter, and her spawn from a prior marriage.  I know him - his quirks and faults, how his brain works, etc - far to well to ever think that we would last longer than it took one of us to kill the other if we tried to have a romantic relationship.  We agreed, quite a while back, that the easiest way to deal with things was to agree that each of us would consider the other to be Asexual - without gender.  To him, I'm simply "one a da guys."  To me, he's simply "a woman with a permanently attached strapon."  It makes things much less complicated - because neither of us is tempted to start looking at the other through the lens of Gender, and therefore we aren't tempted to start looking for More in that direction.

Do yourself a favor - start seeing her as one of the guys - just another buddy that you happen to hang out with on a regular basis.  In the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of grief. 


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Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 7:04:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		She isn't available now. She made it very clear that there is someone else. I wouldn't keep chasing her as it will make her uncomfortable. Email once a month to say hi, and if next summer you are both home and single then see what happens. In the meantime keep meeting new girls and be open to new friendships. Because as long as you're hung up on this one, you won't notice all the others that you could be happy with.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 8:47:53 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		She told you that she did not see you as more than a friend.  That was strike one.
Then she confided in you that she was interested in another guy.  That was the clearest strike two you could get.

Like celeste said, keep in touch but don't count on it becoming anything more.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/18/2009 9:15:16 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		dude- cut your losses.

no means no.   

men seen programmed for the "chase"   but- this target (her) is a no go.

focus on your studies - your career.  and dont let anybody derail you from your lifes career ambition.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/19/2009 1:38:02 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carnae7
Hey Eric,
My heart is breaking for you!!  It seems clear to me that this woman does NOT think of you as anything more than a friend and most likely will not ever see you in any different light.  For her to call you on your behaviours, and then make sure to mention that she's JUST met this guy 'back home' means she is clearly trying to gently let you know that she is not interested in you as anything more - Period!  She also wants you to know that she enjoys and values your friendship, which is why she's not being really blunt and harsh in how she lets you know this.

I think you already know this deep in your heart because of the way you wrote things.  But you're putting it out here in the hopes that someone will confirm what you want to hear.  As I said before, my heart is hurting for you, as I certainly know this place.  But you know what is the truth.  I honestly believe the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize and fully accept the fact that there is not going to be anything more substantial between the two of you than plain, pure, platonic friendship.
Wishing you best and a very big hug!!
Ditto.   I'm sorry to say that I completly agree with this post Eric.    M

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The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/19/2009 5:08:42 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		If its meant to be and if she has feelings outside of the "she's just not that into you" ones outside of friendship, i would just live your life and keep in touch with her.  It sounds like you have the guy best friend concept going on, that she really only sees you as her best friend which could be why she confides in you or it seems like she feels like you do.  Right now her romantic sights are set on a guy who has a girlfriend and they are just being friends now and they don't want an LDR?  I wouldn't worry to much about it, it doesn't sound like its ripe for lasting. 

What i would NOT do is stop living your life in hopes she will change her mind or when you get back in the states you can make something happen.  Go out have fun if you find a girlfriend then do so with no guilt or regret.  DO be careful of becoming the go to guy, i.e., becoming the guy she turns to when she someone else breaks her heart and you get sucked in to your feelings then she is off again.

You don't have to stop being friends, caring, or keeping up with her, just put it into perspective.... keep in touch with her but don't become a Man in waiting.  Do what feels natural with her, but be sure you aren't trying to get her to change her mind.  Enjoy other women while you enjoy her.  As i said earlier -- if its meant to be, it will work itself out when its ready to form.

angel

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/19/2009 5:14:32 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Lovers come and go, but true friendships are hard to find--the one thing you have now that wasnt there years ago is the ability to communicate cheaply transatlantic. If she is a good friend, stay in touch, quick hellos, emails with whats happening, asking what's shakin in her world. And no matter where you end up, you will always have a form of communication.  Start there, nurture it and let it grow---as has been said not all relationships between attracting genders need result in romantic liasons.
 
Enjoy it for what it is--for those relationships are so rare.

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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/19/2009 7:02:48 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		..I observe Jenny a buddy of 20 years.   when a man exhibits anything remotely like a non-platonic mode toward her- she puts space between them. 

a few times I thought she was over re-acting.   she said I had no idea what it is like to be a woman.   ...everywhere a woman is seen she is fresh meat.  guys with a one bottom line objective in mind.

If feelings are not returned- they simply are not.  there is a point where it is sorta like holding a gun to the head and saying YOU WILL LoVE ME.     it doesnt work -in that it is co-erced and not real.  it is humoring the guy.  placating.  even if it is enjoyable at first- it is not authentic.

from my dating I found the more I chased- the worse my chances were.

tho- I also did not take a signal --when I should have.

you could watch what she wears around you.  of her clothes get sexier- then that could mean she wants you.  and vice versa.

Jenny purposely dresses modestly.  most woman adjust how they dress for the situation. I mean they live thinking about bags and shoes and ear rings.   where as a man will wait till the last minute to replace worn underwear.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: More than "just friends" - 1/19/2009 7:57:21 AM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		Yeah, I hadn't planned at all on not living my life. That's the main reason I've been single for so long. I knew from the moment 2009 rolled around that it was going to be an..interesting year. It's already started out pretty crappy but there are at least a few things I have to look forward to. I really just needed to get my head back on straight. I get tired of the fact that all of the girls I've really connected with are unavailable to me in one way or the other -- either in a relationship, different part of the country now or only think of me as a friend. I'm most certainly capable of being friends and I've already learned not to be the "go to guy" as you said, which is a story that doesn't belong here. I'm not going to change who I am or what I'm doing; I just need to blow off some steam and in a few days all will be back to normal.

On a side note, should I even mention what I think about her? Meaning would it be a bad idea to say "you have all of the qualities I have been looking for in a girlfriend" or something like that? I would, of course, make it clear that I wasn't dead-set on it and I do like being her friend. As has been clearly established time and again, girls think differently than guys so, for me, an admission like that would be no big deal. I'd take it in stride and just be sure not to agitate the situation unless I started to share those interests.

< Message edited by WannaSPOON -- 1/19/2009 7:59:05 AM >

(in reply to pahunkboy)
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