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RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/18/2009 8:10:47 PM

Diabound

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline

Some of my close friends know about my submissive and kinky tendencies. My best male friend knows all about it, and is neutral/just wants what makes me happy. A few people at my university have some general idea, because I have a riding crop on display in my dorm room... however, they all think I'm some sort of Dominatrix, when the opposite is true. I happen to be a very assertive, big personality in certain circles so they associate that with being Dominant, but I am nearly all submissive. I don't think I will ever be able to tell my family. As strong Christians and conservative (but mostly accepting, realistic, and supportive), this is way outside of the norm for them. Plus, because I'm rather young, they would worry I was getting involved with dangerous activities. I'm certain they'd send me to therapy. Only two nights ago my mother discovered my copy of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism and was really worried, asking if I was "into this dark stuff" and "should she be worried" and if I "needed to talk". I could tell she was really scared/worried about it, so I hope it never comes up again (I told her it was for research in psychology, which it partly is). I love them, but they could never accept it. That's just the way it is. However, it is the foundation about how me and my new boyfriend and also Dominant, RollingShadow met... we met here on CM and now I'm his subbie girlfriend, yay! I told them we met through mutual friends.

I am on a quest to let anyone interested understand the magic, emotional release, and open sexual nature of those involved in safe, sane, and consensual BDSM practices - however, I'm not sure I will ever be able to be involved in a community. I hope to check out that scene one day.

_____________________________

I am weeping at the beauty of the night
Lost, like a vampire untaught
Running white fingers over rough bark
Staring at pale rays of moonlight for hours
Feeling through a spirit recreated through death

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 21

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 7:26:08 AM

raquelk

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

I've only 'come out of the closet' to a few incredibly close friends for safety. I think its wise to let someone (perferably more than 1 someone) where you're going, who you're going to be with, and when you're going to get back. I was incredibly nervous, but they actually weren't surprised at all, which was strange. In terms of coming out as a sub vs. dom? I haven't had a response either way. Mostly, I get gently teased in private about spankings and riding crops.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 22

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 8:10:58 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

Most people I have found are tolerant if you explain that you engage in activities that are not mainstream; the prevailing attitude being that consenting adults are, well, consenting adults. However, most do not want to have the details inflicted upon them involuntarily so the scope of what is discussed in a vanilla setting is limited. If they want to know more, they will ask.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 23

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 8:26:44 AM

MasterTslave

Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

I am not open about my lifestyle choices with friends or family. I know it isn't as uncommon as most think...but all the same, I don't ask my friends about their sex lives. I used to be a sex counc. and I have had many people ask me questions from everything swing to being a Dom...and I just never shared my own personal exp with people, had to know what I was talking about but not personalize it. I just think that if you want to do something kinky, go for it...but don't ask, don't tell with family and friends. I don't ask my friends if they like it up the ass, and they don't ask me if I like to be flogged and have nipple clamps on.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 24

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 8:32:35 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

Our families know that I lead our relationship and Fox is not the one in charge. They are happy with the idea, since it obviously makes Fox happy and I treat him well in front of them. They do not know, nor do they need to know what it is that we do behind closed doors. They see him get things for me, and his sisters picked up on the dynamic a long time ago, to the point where if they ask him something and they dont like his answer they say "Well, well just tell DV, and she'll make you do it."

It isnt always taken badly, if you dont overshare. Would you think to tell your family about the sex positions you enjoy in a vanilla relationship? Then why the need to explain the activities you understake in this one?

They need to know the public parts, the private should be just that. Being part of a community isnt that difficult as long as ou can do so without making a big deal of it. You are in a dorm, which means you dont live with them all the time. So, limit your community activity to the months you are at school so parents dont catch wind. You should be fine.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to MasterTslave)

Post #: 25

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 9:59:00 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

If your submission in this lifestyle, are you able to speak openly about your desires to your closes friends ,

Yes

quote:

to the people who know you at work

Why would I advertise to the people I work with? it is none of their business what I like to do in my personal life.

That said, yes some of the people I work with know. If directly asked about something I answer honestly, but I do not volunteer information just for the sake of blabbing that I'm different.

quote:

or even to your family?

My family knows to varying degrees. Again I answer questions but my mother has learned that she should only ask things she actually wants to know about.

I mean really... who would tell their parents " Ya i really like it when he ties me up and shoves it in my ass" Talk about TMI for Grandma

quote:

My point I am getting at from talking to people here, is that if your a dom, you will find more acceptance than if you tell someone that you are more of a sub or slave in your desires?

I don't find that to be true. As a female some people may say you are anti feminist if you are sumissive but that's because they have clue what it means to be submissive.

Men admitting they like to be controlling can be looked at as just as deviant.

quote:

Have you found this to be the case ?

Not really no

quote:

If not , is there anything you have noticed happens when you do open up to others that seem to be common responses?

I've never had a "common" response when I come out to someone.

One freind said she already knew just by knowing me.
One friend said she wanted more information, so I gave her books to read and such. She came back and said she can understand why I would want that life but it was definately not for her.
My mom just shook her head and said "what ever makes you happy"

The guys at work that have found out are shocked to realize i'm submissive and not Dominant, because I'm very dominant at work.

< Message edited by akisha -- 1/19/2009 10:00:15 AM >

_____________________________

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It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 26

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 10:19:49 AM

sammieloves17

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline

Because of my job, i am pretty closeted about my submissiveness. Those in the local Lifestyle obviously know and i have two close friends that are aware. That's about it though. i even have 2 seperate myspace accounts so as not to "give it away". On is home and family related and open to anyone. The other is my "true" self and my friends on there are very careful to not mention my name or other identifying markers so as not to out me. MOST are understanding of the situation.

< Message edited by sammieloves17 -- 1/19/2009 10:20:36 AM >

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 27

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 10:33:17 AM

parakeet89

Posts: 94
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline

Two of my closest friends know. My Mom probably wouldn't care if I told her, but I'm not going to be like, "HEY, guess what!!" anytime soon. My Dad and my brothers on the other hand...

never.

(in reply to sammieloves17)

Post #: 28

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 10:35:07 AM

torturedmuse

Posts: 38
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline

I am actually pretty open about my submissive life. I have found though a lot of times people actually think I am joking about it. I think it's because I am pretty outspoken and people don't associate that with someone being submissive. It's sort of sad they can't seperate that I am not sub to every single person on this earth, just one. If I didn't speak out when I thought it was needed, then I would be supressing a huge part of my personality. If people don't think what I do is right, then they are probably not ones I want to associate with on a regular basis anyway. I prefer to surround myself with those that have open minds and a somewhat high intellectual ability.

_____________________________

~I have been collared since October 6, 2006~

My submission is gift to him, as his dominance is a gift to me.

http://fetlife.com/users/106941 http://www.myspace.com/torturedmuse

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 29

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 8:03:43 PM

briarrosethorne

Posts: 50
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

As a general rule I am discreet about my non-vanilla life, but there are parts of my vanilla world
that know about the other side of life. My mother for one, my boyfriend for another and my other
close friends, but no gory details...they just know that I am a submissive and that I am active in the
lifestyle. They know when I'm going somewhere new, and are a safety net of sorts. I am big on
discretion. No one wants to know that their nanny is a kinky lil thing ;) or maybe they do...hmmm...
*wanders off to ponder this*

~Briar~

_____________________________

Is on her own once again

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 30

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 9:49:42 PM

MarksFantasyGirl

Posts: 3660
Joined: 10/13/2005
Status: offline

Fast reply:

I don't know what is harder for my mom to accept, The fact that I am bisexual, or that I am submissive to my boyfriend. My mother is the kind of person that believes that women are to be treated completely equal, and everything even house work should be shared. She believes that when it comes to sex, a couple should have sex when the WOMAN wants it, because the man ALWAYS wants it. She also is rather homophobic and I can make her throw up just from telling her what I'd like to do to Katy Perry. lmao. My dad on the other hand, is really very open to it (And really kinda wishes that my mom was more like me. Maybe they would still be together. lol) My brother knows everything about me. We are very close. And there are very few of my friends that I feel comfortable enough with to tell everything about me. But that is because I really don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. I don't have a job, so that doesn't apply to me. I guess that's about all I have to say.

_____________________________

--Fannie
AKA Savage's Fantasy
AKA Girl Dave
AKA Resident Flirt
AKA Sexy Hawt Woman

~*~Happily and proudly collared by my best friend~*~

Quitcher bitchen, and get out of the kitchen! ~Harry {3rdRock}

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 31

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/19/2009 9:57:36 PM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Sub males are the lowest on the social status ladder in the hetero scene unfortunately, and it's really unfair and wrong

Agreed!

quote:

and unfortunately plenty of them do it to themselves (like youngsters).

? I didn't bother nobody when I was a youngster- I just sat in the library researching torture and punishment and reading the "anything goes" personal ads. Who are those damn kids who need to get off mah lawn?

As for the OP-

Personally, I don't have any friends, but anybody who is in tune can figure out that I'm submissive.
My family doesn't need to know, nor do my cow-orkers.
The only people I "open up to" are strangers on the Internet, and they generally think I make too many unfair generalizations and project too much of my own failure and depression.
I'm still waiting to be proven wrong, though.

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 32

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/20/2009 5:38:56 AM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

from my view, i think it is far easier for the male dominant side to express certain things among familiars and "not so well known's". it's almost routine to hear guys clamoring about in a group while nonchalantly making comments like 'i'd love to tie that bitch down and smack that ass raw', especially when provoked by the presence of a female that beckons their attention.

as far as female social circles go, i have no idea if such similarities hold true, or if 'what they say' is nearly so similar, though i would assume they will make comment. maybe something about raking nails or pouncing, but it's hard for me to imagine women have lewd comments so generally accepted among their peers that they would say 'much'. that is of course, a bias as all hell opinion, since women don't ever grace me with an invitation to girls night out, and even if they did i don't expect i'd hear the same things the walls get to.

more to the point however, i am very open to others of my desires and of being submissive, if conversation came about in so much as a gas station with a stranger, it's a viable topic. i even have often spoken with my family or actually sought advice or an outlook from them. what i'm not so very open about is the sexual activities that may or may not be inclusive of my oh so happy relationship. i don't talk about leather, whips, or chains, i don't mention blindfolds, collars or any other things; it's one thing to be open, but that's still a part of my life i consider to be private, yet it's not really so much a part of my life anyway as it is more a part of the life of someone who i expect to be with. d/s is my real drive in a relationship, not bdsm, and i can speak comfortably about it with anyone i'm comfortable speaking to in the first place.

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 1/20/2009 5:45:30 AM >

_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 33

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/20/2009 12:54:55 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...is there anything you have noticed happens when you do open up to others that seem to be common responses?...

"OhMyGOD, you need to get some help/therapy/counseling/intervention"

is the most common response this slave has received when opening up to others about either the expressed desire or the actual action of submitting to another's desire and will.

this slave has since stopped opening up to others about it, unless they have already identified themselves as someone who understands it isn't necessarily a defect that needs fixing.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 34

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/20/2009 1:54:03 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

My close friends know and even though they don't really understand it they are suppotive. They have even met Master and think he is a good match for me. My family i think my mom wouls understand my dad would never understand "how he raised a daughter to be like this". I was born this way not raised. My sisters would also not understand my brother either. I don't share with friends at work, people think people in the lifestyle are deivant and they might not like a person who is in the lifestyle teaching 4 year olds.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 35

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/20/2009 3:14:12 PM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

Only friends I have made that are already in the lifestyle know I am..I have slipped a few times during discussions, but so far, no one has said anything. I prefer to keep my private life private. I just don't have any girl friends close enough to me that I would divulge it to.

_____________________________

~Don't settle for the One you can live with~~Wait for the One you can't live without.~
~To thine own self be true~~no compromise.~

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 36

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/20/2009 6:16:57 PM

faithfulfemme

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline

i decided a long time ago that having friends who were already in the lifestyle would be a very good thing. Plus, i have moved from my home town to Indiana, so i'm putting together a whole new circle of friends, all who are in the lifestyle. It's just less troublesome this way, and i don't have to worry about what i say, or what they might find in my house.

my long-time best friend, who is not in this state, is a male sub, so that works.....

As for my family, i'm totally in the closet about my kinkiness....however, they're in another state 2500 miles west so even there i don't have much to worry about.....

And work? i'm retired so no worries there, either.

In this respect, it's good to be me.... ....

edited for typoitis....

< Message edited by faithfulfemme -- 1/20/2009 6:19:54 PM >

_____________________________

Trust is neither wishing nor hoping; it is a deep sense of honor in another.

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 37

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/21/2009 9:48:40 AM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

most know I am kiny as hellx1000//lololol..but in this biblebelt it simple would not be a good ideal for it to be public information ..you'd lose your job for sure no matter what the laws say about it...

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 38

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/21/2009 7:10:48 PM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

So the easy answer for most is that its non of anybodys business what you do behind closed doors..However , for some, they clearly believe you life could be effected in a negative way. Really this is so sad in deed. And I believe that alot of the people on Collarme who do not come to the message boards are probably not able to express themselves with even their closes friends , even if it is just to comment on ideas or experences. Maybe I am wrong ...and I really do hope I am... but I think if someone was going through child custody in a break up, or maybe some bosses would value an employee differntly for advancement may use this lifestyle as curse to some out here.

Like I said I hope I am wrong.

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 39

RE: Are you open about your submission with the vanilla... - 1/23/2009 10:18:28 AM

lovehurtsattimes

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/27/2008
Status: offline

a few friends know but not many

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 40

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