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Total panic - 1/19/2009 2:05:12 AM

allthatjaz

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Yesterday I experienced blind panic during a scene. The scene was nothing out of the ordinary, if anything it was mild in comparison to a lot of the things we do.
We are live in partners and we know each other inside out but he still has the ability to scare the hell out of me when we play. (please don't mock us for calling it play because to us thats exactly what it is) The very fact that he can frighten me is good because I normally get highly turned on by this but yesterday something went in my head and then I lost all control and reasoning.
I ended up safe wording which is not something I have had to do before. That in itself is no big deal but it did get me thinking. We have recently discussed not having a safeword. We had almost decided that we know each other well enough to be able to judge when to stop but yesterday proves that we were clearly wrong about that.
I'm a real struggler. I can scream, beg, plead and fight for my life and he will keep on pushing me Thats exactly what I did yesterday only this time it was real. If I hadn't had that safe word he would never of known and just thought I was being my usual self. If I hadn't had a safeword yesterday I honestly think I would of died of fright.

For those of you that play to extreme, do any of you not have a safeword? and if so have you ever reached the stage where you honestly need it to stop but can't communicate that to him?

I must just say that if my binds are too tight or I have cramp, I can just verbally tell him. Yesterday it became unreasonable fear (because really I was safe) and blind panic, apart from spitting out the safeword, took away all my ability to communicate sensibly.

Post #: 1

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 3:22:06 AM

colouredin

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In relationships I have never had to safeword, but I have ad an experiance during a public play where I felt something similar to you described, it was panic mixed with extremes of emotion like I have never felt before, an overload I guess and because of this I used the safeword, afterwards I felt terrible and wished I hadnt and I think its because of that reason that I have not really had one since. As you said you can communicate when certain things dont feel right and that doesnt need the scene to end. I can only think of one occasion where I wished I had one but it didnt take long for my partner of the time to realise how I was feeling and stop.

_____________________________

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RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 3:44:46 AM

JustStephen

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She didn't actually safeword except to say 'SAFEWORD, SAFEWORD'!

< Message edited by JustStephen -- 1/19/2009 3:46:35 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 3:49:21 AM

JustStephen

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duplicated

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Post #: 4

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 3:59:02 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Yesterday I experienced blind panic during a scene. The scene was nothing out of the ordinary, if anything it was mild in comparison to a lot of the things we do.

I think its more uncommon to not have a safeword but I'm one opinion of many. I would never scene without a safeword - no matter HOW well I know my partner. Its a deeply-ingrained habit.

(I say this next portion without knowing your medical history, the type of play you were engaged in or your typical tolerance.)

It is also possible...maybe..that an electrolyte imbalance contributed. Paired with any nature of electrolyte imbalance, sensory overload can amplify sensations and situations, as well as your reaction to them.

It is common practice to keep juice nearby during a scene that is provided to keep the sub/bottom hydrated and maintain electrolyte levels. Diabetics can require an even higher level of monitoring and care depending on the intensity of play. There's some interesting information is available here. Note: I am neither a medical professional or a diabetic so I cant swear by the content.

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

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Post #: 5

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 4:25:29 AM

allthatjaz

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Thanks MsFlutter that thread is really interesting.

I was branded the night before. During the branding I was very calm, had sugar and fluid and lots of cuddles after but I am still wondering if it was something to do with this.
I have hyper ventilated during a scene and I brought that on myself because of my breathing technique whilst enduring intense pain. I have passed out but that in itself has brought the scene to an abrupt end. This was different because I feel it came from an initial moment of panic (which has happened many times before) but continued into what I can only discribe as something similar to a phobia.

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Post #: 6

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:00:33 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
For those of you that play to extreme, do any of you not have a safeword? and if so have you ever reached the stage where you honestly need it to stop but can't communicate that to him?

I must just say that if my binds are too tight or I have cramp, I can just verbally tell him. Yesterday it became unreasonable fear (because really I was safe) and blind panic, apart from spitting out the safeword, took away all my ability to communicate sensibly.

No, never had one and we haven't even discussed having one. Personally I am not big on safewords. I concentrate on the person, not a word.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 7

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:26:59 AM

slaveluci

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From: Little Rock, AR
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For various and sundry reasons we both have, we've never utilized safewords. It's never been a problem but then I've never, as you say, honestly needed it to stop but "can't communicate that to him." I've always been able to communicate to Him exactly what's going on in the right words rather than substituting other code words for what I mean to say.

I can struggle, scream, beg, plead and fight as you said and He knows that's all part of my natural reactions and not me needing it to stop. However, if I calmly and clearly say, "I may need to change position. I can't feel my hands, feet, etc," that tells Him in plain language what's going on. (I'm diabetic so He doesn't interpret that as whining

).

Bottom line is He desires me to just spit it out when there's an issue. No code word needed................luci

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RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:35:47 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
For those of you that play to extreme, do any of you not have a safeword? and if so have you ever reached the stage where you honestly need it to stop but can't communicate that to him?

I must just say that if my binds are too tight or I have cramp, I can just verbally tell him. Yesterday it became unreasonable fear (because really I was safe) and blind panic, apart from spitting out the safeword, took away all my ability to communicate sensibly.

No, never had one and we haven't even discussed having one. Personally I am not big on safewords. I concentrate on the person, not a word.

the.dark.

Thats how we felt and believe me when I say we are truly connected but often our scenes are rough, some would say violent and his entire concentration is focused on getting me to a place that I am resisting with every last bit of strengh I have in my body. This is not about telling me to do something but making me do something and like I said before, I can be known to make a huge fuss!
Is it fair on him to expect that even through an intense struggle when arms, legs and even teeth are lashing out at him, that he knows when I have truly had enough?

What we did at the weekend we have done many times before. Why was this any different? why react the way that I did?

I would like to believe that if it was me doing the overpowering, that I would know when things were getting too much but I now understand that as a human I am capable of making error

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Post #: 9

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:42:00 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

For various and sundry reasons we both have, we've never utilized safewords. It's never been a problem but then I've never, as you say, honestly needed it to stop but "can't communicate that to him." I've always been able to communicate to Him exactly what's going on in the right words rather than substituting other code words for what I mean to say.

I can struggle, scream, beg, plead and fight as you said and He knows that's all part of my natural reactions and not me needing it to stop. However, if I calmly and clearly say, "I may need to change position. I can't feel my hands, feet, etc," that tells Him in plain language what's going on. (I'm diabetic so He doesn't interpret that as whining).

Bottom line is He desires me to just spit it out when there's an issue. No code word needed................luci

I understand all of what you are saying slaveluci and I relate to what you said.
I have never experienced blind panic before but I imagine its the same sort of feeling you get when you think your going to die. It was like being under water just that bit too long and as your trying to struggle back to the surface, that surface just moves further away.

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Post #: 10

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:51:01 AM

mistoferin

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Do you think he would not have stopped if you said "Something's wrong!"?

We don't use safewords in the sense of code words. But I have had that panic thing happen on a few occasions. The times that it has happened that come first to mind...in one instance he plainly saw that I was in a weird space and stopped, came to me and comforted me and helped me get it back together...then we continued the scene. On another occasion I said "stop, something's wrong"...again he comforted me until we worked through it and we continued the scene. On yet one other occasion I said "I'm panicking". Again we stopped...that scene we chose to end because of the nature of the panicky place I went to. We talked for a long time and actually scened again after a bit differently.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 11

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:51:29 AM

NuevaVida

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I didnt have a safe word with my former owner. He wanted the responsibility of knowing and reading me, and of deciding when enough was enough, so it wasn't a matter of fairness. It was a matter of his choice and rule. He learned me to the point where he knew how much I could take, and often times when I didn't think I could give/do/take anymore...well...it seems I could.

In four years only once did I want for a safe word, because I was unable to communicate at all, and because he misread the situation and my body language. It was very stressful, but it wasn't a matter of life and death, and I survived it. As a human, he was afforded mistakes, even at my expense. It wasn't held against him, but I imagine if that happened a lot I would have developed trust issues when he was playing with me.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 12

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 5:55:26 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Didn't you say that you were branded the night before? You cannot control your body's responses and it could simply be a case of your body building up again just like it did the night before and telling you it couldn't take two nights on the trot. I wouldn't over think it. It's happened and you can try and learn from it, like maybe not induging in two intense nights one after the other.

I also wanted to say that not using safewords doesn't necessarily mean that the people are uber cool or connected more than anyone else etc. The reason we don't use them is because we just don't see the point but we do get - like jaz said - the point that everyone makes mistakes and has an error in judgement and instead of using safewords we accept the responsibility instead of wasting it on some prearranged net. Shit happens and blaming it on the use or non use of a safeword is pointless to us. Don't allow fuck ups and errors mess with your head and/or eat you up, learn from them and alter the behaviour or the pattern when you identify it and move on.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 13

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:00:40 AM

GabrielleSlave

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From: in servitude
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Safewords are for Master and i something that Wwe both have, and are both fully aware that Wwe can use. For me, although i trust Him completely, safewords are the simplest form of communication between two people who are afterall only human. As human beings Wwe can change from day to day and from scene to scene. One thing one day will be perfectly fine, but another day will be too much and it will be not clear at the time why. It does not matter how much two people think they know eachother. Master and i have been together two years; Wwe are totally into eachother and know eachother very very well. He is used to watching me struggling, coping and loving it. He cannot read my mind however, no matter how wonderful He is and therefore has pushed me to Red safeword just three times that i can recall. Each time i was ashamed of myself afterwards although the fear and panic was totally real, but He completely understood (one time He told me that He was going to make me safeword and i think that that fact alone not what He was doing, made me say it).

i asked Him about when He collars me, would He want me to give up safewords and He said no. They are there for both of Uus and He has had to use it too, so it is not just for slaves lol!

This is just my opinion, safewords aren't everyone's bag, they are Oours. You used yours and that is cool; i too have tried to analyse what happened if i said mine, but at the end of the day, as long as the two of you are talking about it together, that is all that matters. The next time i played after i said mine, i was terrified it would happen again, as though i had diminished a little because of it and i was no longer worthy of His attention. i was totally wrong and it was fabulous again lol!

i have rambled, sorry... Anyhoo, hope that helps...?

hugs

gabrielle x

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

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RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:09:27 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
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From: Louisville, KY
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The reason I do not care for safe words, for ME, is not because, as darkness said, I am all super sub or uber cool and shit, but because I simply do not trust them on ME. I am not going to be able to safe word when I need it - I've had some experiences to convince me this is true. So, I try to communicate enough that someone can tell when it's time to call - and I also accept the risk of play going south. It doesn't at least not often, but, yeah, it could. NO one is perfect, not even Master. (thank G-d I'm saying this on CM instead of FEt - wouldn't want HIM to see that, now would we? LOL) (Fet, btw, has this annoying feature where they announce everything you say on the boards to each of your friends on their sign in page, so no one will ever miss a pearl that falls from your lips. oh, yeah)

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RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:13:01 AM

allthatjaz

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Mistoferin... I was unable to say anything.
When I feel that I am going to faint I say 'rushing water' because thats the warning I get before I pass out. He knows to stop what he is doing at this point and to bring me back. In this particular instance (which all happened very quickly. Not minutes but seconds) I believe I did nothing differently from a normal resistance attack apart from not being able to stay calm enough, long enough to explain it was all too much. Believe me when I say I often have slight panic. When I see that look on his face and know absolutely he is about to do something that is going to hurt like hell I panic but not like this and the worst of it is, we have played much deeper and much harder without me panicking. I often say to him afterwards that although I was really frightened at the time, Im hugely turned on by it all afterwards. Why would this be any different?

NuevaVida

I don't blame him in any way. I am the very person that has pushed the build up to this. I am the one that encourages him to push my limits and he has always been so clever at judging what those limits are.
I feel upset for him. Its a bit like me saying 'its ok, its great, its what I want' and then turning round and saying 'NOOOOOO stop it'

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RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:23:27 AM

allthatjaz

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GabrielleSlave

Thank you for this because to be honest I am feeling like shit. I will not blame my man for this and I will not believe for a moment that we are not deeply connected.
When I dominate I don't want the responsibility of going too far and as an edge player I often worry about going too far. Having a safeword in place allows me to do things that perhaps would worry me too much otherwise.

tsatske... thanks for that info on fetlife. I had no idea it did that.

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Post #: 17

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:32:06 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Mistoferin... I was unable to say anything.

Ok, maybe I misunderstood. I thought you said you were glad you had a safeword because you used it. Even if the word you used was safeword, you said something. If the entire concept of safewords had never been brought to your attention, I would have to think that instead of whatever word you chose to say, you would have said something to convey the problem. Even in the blind panic you were in you focused on "how do I convey this to him", hence your use of the word.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 18

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:44:59 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Mistoferin... I was unable to say anything.

I'm confused - you said in your OP that you used your safeword...?

quote:

NuevaVida

I don't blame him in any way. I am the very person that has pushed the build up to this. I am the one that encourages him to push my limits and he has always been so clever at judging what those limits are.
I feel upset for him. Its a bit like me saying 'its ok, its great, its what I want' and then turning round and saying 'NOOOOOO stop it'

You should talk to him about this, if you haven't already. Does HE feel slighted by this? If he doesn't, then you shouldn't spend your energy feeling badly for him, as that's probably not where he wants your head. You can always ask to continue pushing, with the understanding that you'll let him know when things start becoming too intense. That's different than sending mixed messages of "do this, now stop it" :)

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 19

RE: Total panic - 1/19/2009 6:57:16 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Mistoferin... I was unable to say anything.

I'm confused - you said in your OP that you used your safeword...?

quote:

NuevaVida

I don't blame him in any way. I am the very person that has pushed the build up to this. I am the one that encourages him to push my limits and he has always been so clever at judging what those limits are.
I feel upset for him. Its a bit like me saying 'its ok, its great, its what I want' and then turning round and saying 'NOOOOOO stop it'

You should talk to him about this, if you haven't already. Does HE feel slighted by this? If he doesn't, then you shouldn't spend your energy feeling badly for him, as that's probably not where he wants your head. You can always ask to continue pushing, with the understanding that you'll let him know when things start becoming too intense. That's different than sending mixed messages of "do this, now stop it" :)

I couldnt communicate with him other than to utter the safeword. I needed out in a second not two and I couldn't give him time to consider if this was real panic or not. My safeword ensured an instant end to the panic.

I'm not sure if he feels slighted by this. Yes we have talked and tried to get to the bottom of what happened and why but all I can do is put myself in his place and understand how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Years ago I had a fem sub. We played pretty deeply and everything was okay until one day after a session when she curled up in the foetal position at the end of my bed and sobbed her heart out. I tried to comfort her but she just kept saying ' I hated every minute of it'. We had done nothing unusual, nothing we had not done before and I saw no signs during the act that she felt this way. The one thing I do know is I never wanted to do that to her again. It left nothing in me that ever wanted to go back to that place. I guess what Im saying is, I know how he will be feeling right now and I'm kicking myself for it.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 20

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