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RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 7:32:27 PM   
MzMia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

I figure if you meet me and I have Dominant on my profile, and you have submissive,
we already know what the other person is about.
I am not a switch, so I doubt a submissive would take me for being a submissive.
hummm


Again, not really the question. Are you saying that you are in a D/s relationship with everyone who has "submissive" listed on their profile? If not, then there must be a certain point at which you and the submissive agree that he is not just "a" submissive but "your" submissive. The way in which this is determined, as well as the how it is realized and how long it takes, was the crux of my questions.


Okay, I understand now.
As I stated above, I think that the DOMINANT should normally be the person
who decides when the D/s relationship begins.
At the very least it is a joint decision.
Also, as I stated since I don't engage in casual play if we are involved in any physical, sexual
or any kind of real activity, we are IN a D/s relationship.



Ok, I gotcha now :)

Now, I could totally disagree with you about the dom being the one to decide (I personally think it absolutely must be a joint decision or it's meaningless.) But I'll leave it at a difference of opinions here.



We can always agree to disagree.
But I tell ya what, the submissive will not decide by himself when a D/s relationship starts with ME.


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 7:44:24 PM   
DominaSmartass


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quote:


We can always agree to disagree.
But I tell ya what, the submissive will not decide by himself when a D/s relationship starts with ME.


This is just getting frustrating. We obviously are not speaking the same language here.

How does my remark "I personally think it absolutely must be a joint decision or it's meaningless" imply that a submissive will decide by himself?

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 8:26:28 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

quote:


We can always agree to disagree.
But I tell ya what, the submissive will not decide by himself when a D/s relationship starts with ME.


This is just getting frustrating. We obviously are not speaking the same language here.

How does my remark "I personally think it absolutely must be a joint decision or it's meaningless" imply that a submissive will decide by himself?


Come here Domina, we do agree!
We both have had many submissive's that want an "instant relationship".
That was my own personal comment.


< Message edited by MzMia -- 1/20/2009 8:28:16 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 8:36:16 PM   
NCNutCase


Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline 		So... it's a mutual decision that should be communicated and not assumed by either party... If I follow correctly...

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 8:40:55 PM   
MzMia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

So... it's a mutual decision that should be communicated and not assumed by either party... If I follow correctly...


hummm, but how often is it a mutual agreement?


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to NCNutCase)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/20/2009 8:49:29 PM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?

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RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:19:08 AM   
CreativeDominant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?


Good point.  At this stage...and this age...in my life, I am not going to embark on exclusivity unless D/s and BDSM are agreed to also.  I've done the exclusivity thing for 6 months and then, when we met, had the meeting go well enough but blow up soon after.  Thanks but no.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:24:49 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
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Status: offline 		Hmm the D/s starts as soon as I meet someone I get that vibe from, i dont turn it on and off. If the chemistry is right I get that feeling in my tummy right away.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:33:19 AM   
NCNutCase


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

So... it's a mutual decision that should be communicated and not assumed by either party... If I follow correctly...


hummm, but how often is it a mutual agreement?



??... All the time... For an agreement to be real, both parties have to agree to their side of the responsibility... If I state you and I agree that your going to give me $20, but you don't mutually agree... how likely is I'll get my $20. I won't be holding my breath... A one sided "agreement" is just some arrogant ass shouting out their desires...

Agreement - the act of agreeing or of coming to a mutual arrangement.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/agreement

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?


For some it may be earlier than this Rednicky.

Personally, I've been in a sexually monogomous relationship (let's call that my primary relatinship), and at the same time had a play partner whom I did not have sex with (let's call this my secondary relatinoship). Both girls knew of each other and we all often hung out and went to parties. The girl in my secodnary relationship was welcome/free to go on vanilla dates as she pleased, could even have sex with men if she chose to do so. But I 'owned' her SM life. If she wished to go on a date with a self proclaimed Dominant she had to ask me first, or if she wished to engage in SM play with another person she had to get permission from me first.

So the exclusivity was very one sided and since I was sexually monogomous with someone else, this wouldn't qualify as a D/s relatinship per your suggested begining point, but obvious was a D/s relatinoship to the parties involved.


In my opinion, the Dominant will begin to superimpose their authority over the submissive first and when the submissive actually submits to that authority, the D/s relationship begins... But making assumptions without conversation or place expectations on the other person without conversation is setting ourselves up for dissappointment. I know I definately would not be comfortable with a girl referring to me as "her Dominant" until we had a long conversation defining what that meant.

We have all heard some form of the idea, "Communication is the key element to any relatinoship"... This applies to vanilla romantic relationships, as well as friendships, parent-child relationships, employer-employee relationships, etc, etc... so of course this would also apply to D/s relationships... never deny your relationships the gift of communication... never subject your relationships to the burned of assumption...

(in reply to rednicky)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:59:45 AM   
AllThingsGo42


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/21/2008
Status: offline 		well for me, were LDR, and I was new, so a lot of it was just explination. Things progressed and it tured out we were a good fit, The First time we met there was hardly any "play" at all, and it was more of hi, tis is me, hope you like it. From there we have been graually increasing the disipline.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 2:01:03 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?


Thing is... not all relationships are exclusive. May have multiple partners. Some people have a wife or a husband that is not into bdsm so they have a outside partner that is, either with or with out the consent and knowledge of their SO.

_____________________________

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RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 2:16:59 PM   
submissivexheart


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quote:

ORIGINAL: brownbutterfli

Currently I am not in a relationship. But if I were in a relationship he would become my dominant and me his sub after we have spent some time in *getting to know each and to see if we are fit. If at that point if we both decide that we   are on  the same page then I would hope he would ask me if  I want to be his submissive and vice versa.






why not you ask him?  get on your knees and beg... why not? if you want it that much..... show you want it that much


(in reply to brownbutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 2:22:48 PM   
submissivexheart


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Joined: 1/8/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?


Thing is... not all relationships are exclusive. May have multiple partners. Some people have a wife or a husband that is not into bdsm so they have a outside partner that is, either with or with out the consent and knowledge of their SO.


ugh.... i personally hate and cant not stand those that are married and got outside the marriage without the SO knowing.... i mean my ex was not into this lifestyle at all.... but i remained faithful to him and went no where else.... i mean to me a D/s relationship is about total trust... and honesty... its essential.... if one has a wife their lying to... how should i know you're not lying to me?

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 2:58:31 PM   
IvyMorgan


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From: Midlands, UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?
Well, my relationship isn't "exclusive".  I am not with just one person, and the many people I am with are not just with me.  I'm not even just with that one group of people.

I have a D/s relationship with many different people, some platonic, some not so much.  It's not an exclusive thing, though.

(in reply to rednicky)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 5:43:34 PM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		The day I moved in with my MasterDaddy he became my Dominant..with my current daddy it was when he put me under consideration as his.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:09:51 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

quote:


We can always agree to disagree.
But I tell ya what, the submissive will not decide by himself when a D/s relationship starts with ME.


This is just getting frustrating. We obviously are not speaking the same language here.

How does my remark "I personally think it absolutely must be a joint decision or it's meaningless" imply that a submissive will decide by himself?


Come here Domina, we do agree!
We both have had many submissive's that want an "instant relationship".
That was my own personal comment.



Well yes, I know what you mean there.

Don't you love the ones where they are vowing to serve you selflessly for the rest of their lives in the introductory email?

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:23:08 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I still don't understand why the D/s doesn't start when the relationship is exclusive. People are looking for relationships. Not just any relationships. D/s one. If not, then the people here would just stick to vanilla. So once an exclusive relationship starts, wouldn't the D/s follow?


I'll try to explain my reasoning on why this is not so (for me at least.)

I am not exclusive with my partner in the literal way as we are polyamorous and beyond the mere idea that we allow one another to have sex with others (reserved for actual relationships, not flings/one night stands) we also play freely with others as we choose. We have a relationship that some people might consider D/s and we consider D/s-ish. Our relationship just grew through our natural interaction with one another until one day about 6 months into it we were asking ourselves "what on earth is this?" and I realized that I was the Daddy and she was my girl - and it's been that way for a couple of years now.

On the other hand, I had a submissive for a few months and the "D/s relationship" clearly started from the first day we met. The rules and roles became more clearly defined as we got to know each other and it was about a month before I allowed him to publicly state he was mine because I didn't want to pronounce it a relationship too quickly. But even with him, we weren't technically exclusive.

So, to me, deciding to allow someone to serve me as my boy (assuming he has made it clear he wishes to) is the start of that kind of relationship. For my partner, there was no starting point except the night we met...then just an evolution. Yes, I require exclusivity in the sense that my partner is not looking for another "me" (that is, the role I hold in his life) and the same went for my boy - he was not supposed to be seeking another Sir, though different types of relationships were allowed.

But exclusivity is and was a result of the "relationship" that's in place and not the cause of it.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to rednicky)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:27:27 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivexheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: brownbutterfli

Currently I am not in a relationship. But if I were in a relationship he would become my dominant and me his sub after we have spent some time in *getting to know each and to see if we are fit. If at that point if we both decide that we   are on  the same page then I would hope he would ask me if  I want to be his submissive and vice versa.






why not you ask him?  get on your knees and beg... why not? if you want it that much..... show you want it that much




Absolutely! I am a believer in the submissive petitioning to enter service, be collared, etc. Not only can you be sure they want it and are not just going along with whatever the dominant suggests (as they often do) but it's really hot to have someone begging you to be allowed to serve or wear your collar, etc.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to submissivexheart)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: At what point does the D/s relationship begin? - 1/21/2009 7:46:45 PM   
MasterLark


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Joined: 5/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

I'm curious to hear different ideas from both the D and s side.

At what point do you call someone your dom? At what point do you call someone your sub? Is it a formal thing, like upon signing a contract or accepting a collar? Or does it evolve slowly and organically until one day you just realize it's there?

Additionally, when starting a new relationship, do you lay out the groundrules from the start and expect the D/s to flow from day one or do you take things slow and gradual?

Curious for no other reason than I am interested in hearing what others do. I tend to build things over time but have been thinking lately about how nice it would be to just give my list of rules, protocols, and guidelines to someone, have them agree to abide by them, and begin without all the slow and easy buildup.


Hmmm, and if only there was a pill that...

All the slow and easy buildup is what makes it Domination and what makes it submission. Shortcuts make short shrift.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 59
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