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levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 7:34:44 PM

sophiessong

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/6/2009
Status: offline

Physical bondage is what brought me to this way of life. The mental aspect, guidance, and control are key elements; of much more import now.

I understand some of what the role pain plays in the relationship, as well as heightening sexual excitement. I even enjoy it, but then it seems too too too much. I have found, however, that in my narrow experience of a year or two, that the Dominants I have been with, even my last Master, are really much more into pain than I seem to be. When I asked Him about it, He said "I didn't make the rules. Pain is just a part of it all. Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain."

I realize that it is part of being submissive; that some things I am not going to like. When he collared me, he marked me. I have been spanked so hard my ass was purple and black for a week. I am not whining; I just want some feedback please!

Post #: 1

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 7:44:04 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Pain does not HAVE to be part of it all. Maybe for him it does, but there are several people on these boards whose dynamics do not include pain.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 2

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 7:51:19 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sophiessong
He said "I didn't make the rules.

Then who the fuck did????? The Pope of Rope??????

Doms who shirk responsibility for their actions get an F- in my book.

He -- and you -- make the rules. No one else.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 3

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 7:54:22 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Don't confuse S&M with Ds. They often go together, but not necessarily, and certainly not in "one universal way"

There are two pain levels- your pain to pleasure tolerance and your pain tolerance. They often directly interact, but again, they are not the same.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 4

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 8:48:54 PM

sophiessong

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/6/2009
Status: offline

He -- and you -- make the rules. No one else.

[/quote]

Red...that was what I surely thought. I probably even thought the "who the fuck did" part when he said it! <smile>

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 5

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 9:22:04 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Expectations and limits for the type and level of interaction (regarding pain, etc.) should have been discussed well before the two of you ever played to begin with.
That discussion was apparently nowhere on your "to do" list, and you are now dealing with the result: the two of you are mismatched.

Bearing his mark does not preclude you from voting with your feet, and leaving him. Then you'll be free to find someone who is able to demonstrate a better affinity for you both physically and emotionally... Someone who pays attention to your needs and cares about your feelings.

_____________________________

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(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 6

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 9:26:43 PM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

He's abusive. There's a big difference between inflicting pain for the purpose of mutual pleasure and getting pleasure from inflicting pain. And you have every right to say that it's too much. So if he doesn't respect that, kick him to the door.

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 7

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 9:34:40 PM

King0fHearts

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline

" I don't make the Rules " .... WOW.... thats all I will say....

(in reply to cagliostro)

Post #: 8

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 9:40:29 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Being D/s, you should negotiate things. Negotiations should be open to be revisited as needed too. Please remember that D/s is the dynamic and BDSM is the play area or funn add on and the BDSM area needs to be negotiated including limits and safewords which must be respected. As I see it, ignoring limits and safewords is a deal breaker.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 9

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/19/2009 9:52:04 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

Yeah, sorry to ruin his fantasy but he does make the rules and if you're going to be in a relationship you better be damn sure you agree with those rules or else it's just going to downright suck. There are plenty of D/s-ers out there who do not engage in pain play. If bondage is your thing, I know plenty of people into it who don't aspire to beating people, only restricting their movement. Sigh... I wish you the best of luck.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 10

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 12:06:49 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sophiessong

I understand some of what the role pain plays in the relationship, as well as heightening sexual excitement. I even enjoy it, but then it seems too too too much. I have found, however, that in my narrow experience of a year or two, that the Dominants I have been with, even my last Master, are really much more into pain than I seem to be. When I asked Him about it, He said "I didn't make the rules. Pain is just a part of it all. Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain."

I realize that it is part of being submissive; that some things I am not going to like. When he collared me, he marked me. I have been spanked so hard my ass was purple and black for a week. I am not whining; I just want some feedback please!

Ya know after a couple of years you should be able to figure a few things out for themselves. Personally I hav etold a few girls to shut the fuck up and take the pain. Some ppl may say that is abusive and others may say it's hot. It depends on the couple.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 11

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 4:34:09 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

Pain tolerance is highly personal; what some consider over the top force is mere lovetaps to others. There is no substitute for starting at the low end and then slowly raising the bar until you know how a particular sub will respond. Once you find that threshold you can gently, very gently, push the boundary in tiny increments.

Regardless, you are both adults and need to make your own rules for play. While the Dom certainly has the upper hand in setting the agenda, you are not required to take whatever comes without any input whatsoever unless those are the ground rules that you have mutually agreed upon.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 12

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 1:42:06 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Pain is not by definition part of it. You should have gone into more discussions with him before agreeing to be collared.

There are lots of dominants and submissives who aren't into s & m, but are into bondage. Hell, I know a great rope top with no interest in s & m or D/s. Being one doesn't mean you have to be the other.

Me? I said thanks but no thanks to any guy who said he was a sadist, and didn't even bother to respond to the ones who said they would 'teach' me to enjoy pain when my profile said bondage and sex, no s & m.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 13

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 4:45:02 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

He's abusive. There's a big difference between inflicting pain for the purpose of mutual pleasure and getting pleasure from inflicting pain.

Yes, I agree there is a big difference between the two. Inflicting pain for their own pleasure means they are exercising their sadistic desires. Whether that is abusive or not is a highly dependent on the people involved. Quite often he inflicts pain that gives me no pleasure at all and I am far from being abused.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to cagliostro)

Post #: 14

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 5:35:52 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Love it when someone in this lifestyle wants to make a blanket moral judgment upon another, because it was over their line of too much.

Also, if it is a very harsh and strict D/s, M/s, or whatever the cool acronym is this week, it is not about her making the rules.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

He's abusive. There's a big difference between inflicting pain for the purpose of mutual pleasure and getting pleasure from inflicting pain. And you have every right to say that it's too much. So if he doesn't respect that, kick him to the door.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to cagliostro)

Post #: 15

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 5:39:24 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Why should they be negotiated? Don't do negottiations myself, and know several on these forums that do not do negotiations. We lay out what the expectations are, and either they accept or they do not. Glad there are no limits, other than what I set, and there definately are no safe words.

The OP's problems is why I strongly advise any slave, or sub, to thoroughly get to know the person they are going to surrender to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Being D/s, you should negotiate things. Negotiations should be open to be revisited as needed too. Please remember that D/s is the dynamic and BDSM is the play area or funn add on and the BDSM area needs to be negotiated including limits and safewords which must be respected. As I see it, ignoring limits and safewords is a deal breaker.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 16

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 5:55:51 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sophiessong

I realize that it is part of being submissive; that some things I am not going to like.

Your odds of liking things go up significantly when you find a dominant with whom you are compatible. There are many dominants who are strictly D/s and not into any forms of pain at all and you don't 'have' to adjust yourself for anyone.How you're filled, what brings you contentment and joy .. those things are best determined by 'you'.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 17

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 8:55:37 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

Why should they be negotiated? Don't do negottiations myself, and know several on these forums that do not do negotiations. We lay out what the expectations are, and either they accept or they do not. Glad there are no limits, other than what I set, and there definately are no safe words.

The OP's problems is why I strongly advise any slave, or sub, to thoroughly get to know the person they are going to surrender to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Being D/s, you should negotiate things. Negotiations should be open to be revisited as needed too. Please remember that D/s is the dynamic and BDSM is the play area or funn add on and the BDSM area needs to be negotiated including limits and safewords which must be respected. As I see it, ignoring limits and safewords is a deal breaker.

With slaves I quite agree there is no negotiation especially regarding play, at least not with the standard of slavery that you and I seek oin a girl. However the OP mentioned she is a sub and I based my comments simple on thew subs local to me and who I chat to, with their Dominats, where by most everything is negotiated at the start of a session. Loike you when looking at a slave, there is some time to be spent getting to know each other. If on the other hand I want to play and my collars are empty, I could seek a casual play partner and with that we'd negotiate because the object is to play which for me is often needle play...

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 18

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 9:41:52 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

No, pain does NOT have to be part of it. if he wants you to be in pain why wouldn't he just say so and right from the beginning? If you are new to this and didn't know it's not for you talk about it now, everyone has limits.

(in reply to sophiessong)

Post #: 19

RE: levels of pain in a D/s relationship - 1/20/2009 9:50:12 PM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

She does have every right to say it's too much at a certain point, but there is also for many of us nothing objectioable about Him inflicting pain just because he wants to and gets pleasure from it. My pleasure is not a top priority. He often makes it a priority just by the virtue of the fact he loves a wet and happy slave, but just yesterday we had a discussion where it was discovered that he just likes to see me cry. Don't assume we all see it as abuse.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

He's abusive. There's a big difference between inflicting pain for the purpose of mutual pleasure and getting pleasure from inflicting pain. And you have every right to say that it's too much. So if he doesn't respect that, kick him to the door.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to cagliostro)

Post #: 20

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