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Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 9:58:45 AM

IrishMist

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This is coming off from all the recent posts that we have had concerning experience when choosing a partner ( whether it be Master/Dominant/slave/submissive ). The angle that I want to look at is from that of a person who is sadistc/masochistic.

Many have said that maturity is a defining factor in choosing a partner that is younger than you; and that maturity outweighs the lack of experience. But what I want to ask is this:

For those of you who are HEAVY masochists, pain sluts, etc

would you feel comfortable with a partner who was obviously so much younger than you, and obviously lacked the experience in years, to control that part of you?

I will use myself as an example...I am pain junkie, I love pain, and if I could start my day off with it, and end my day with it, I would be in pure heaven. But I would think that someone who was so much younger than me, while maybe on the same maturity level; would lack the experience to be able to control that part of me, much less be able to meet it. For myself, I am not sure that I could place myself in the hands of someone who had no idea of what my needs were in that respect.

Now granted, there are those who are older who can also fall into that category, and the same would go for them.

Just curious to see what others think about this perspective.

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Post #: 1

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 10:08:07 AM

Sensualips

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I guess I am not sure why age would equate with the ability/experience to control that part of you? I do not discount life experience as being important, but perhaps you are thinking more about time spent in the lifestyle or time spent in previous interactions with masochists with similar needs? You are 38. Someone ten years younger than you could have ten years of real life bdsm experience and while ten years older may have none?

I just think it is all specific to the individual and can not be generalized by age, from a sadist/masochist standpoint or any other. However, everyone should obviously start where they are comfortable.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 2

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 10:09:20 AM

mistoferin

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IrishMist,

I have responded on a few of these threads today in regards to age and experience. To sum it up....I don't believe that age equals experience. I have said that I do have limits as far as how much younger I will go....but that is a personal preference thing.

Now I can tell you that I am also a very serious masochist. On the thread on the submissive board I stated that in the area of play.....yes I absolutely need to have someone who has real time hands on experience. I am not a guinea pig for someone to begin the realization of their fantasies on. I have to be assured that when it comes to play....the person on the other end of that tool knows exactly how to operate it and is also prepared to deal with the fallout should something go "not quite right". But once again.....this is not an age thing necessarily. My ex Master was 8 years my junior....and the most experienced man I have ever met when it came to play. Especially today when so many seem to be finding this later in their lives....a 30 or 40 something (which is the age group of my general attraction) may be brand new to the play scene. While that may indeed be fine at lighter levels of play...it is most certainly a cause for pause at the levels of interaction that I most enjoy. Anyway, just my feelings....I'm sure others would not be as concerned......

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~erin~

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 3

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 10:23:12 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I guess I am not sure why age would equate with the ability/experience to control that part of you? I do not discount life experience as being important, but perhaps you are thinking more about time spent in the lifestyle or time spent in previous interactions with masochists with similar needs? You are 38. Someone ten years younger than you could have ten years of real life bdsm experience and while ten years older may have none?

I just think it is all specific to the individual and can not be generalized by age, from a sadist/masochist standpoint or any other. However, everyone should obviously start where they are comfortable.

Well, as I read the OP, my mind was formulating my response. But it turns out that Sensualips beat me to it.

I totally agree.....a 25 year old may have stumbled into the realm at an early age and have, maybe, 7 years of good experience under his belt, so to speak. A 40 year old may have stumbled into a BDSM website last month and decided that, since he always enjoyed beating up his ex-wife and regularly kicks his dog, and always wanted to be a sadist, he is one. I'd take the 25 year old in a heartbeat IF IF IF I was a masochist looking for a sadist. (I'm not, it's an example) And if these two were presented to me as my only choices.

I agree that it's time spent and quality of education and practice. Not mere chronological age.

And back in that "other" thread, I never said that someone 20+ years my junior was a hard limit. I just meant that they, understandably so, are a little harder to take seriously, and only because I recently spent 20+ years "training" a couple of them to be decent human beings to be sent out into the world. (And btw, I succeeded brilliantly!

) Yes, it's something I would be willing to attempt to overcome, should the opportunity arise.

chymes

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 4

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 11:07:35 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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Age means everything in the world to me... maybe it's because I have so much of it myself... who knows.... lol

Yes, experience is important, so is maturity. But I have to think back and remember that when I was twenty (a vague memory at this point... lol) I was sure I was a very mature person, I also thought that when I was thirty and laughed at my own lack of life experience at twenty.. then I hit forty and realized just how much I didn't know at thirty. At 48 I can look back an realize just how much I have learned in the last eight years.

And being a sadist I could never practice my art on a newbie with out taking into consideration how slow I would have to go in training them. And there is no way I would consent to having someone with little or no experience "practicing" on even the most sincere painslut. It's an art... experience teaches you how to "read" the other person, what to look for and how far you can go without causing permenent and or severe injury.

So that begs the question then... how do they get experience then? IMNSHO... they build up slowly and learn as they go.... just like the rest of us did.

Jewel

_____________________________

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 5

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 11:18:57 AM

MrDiscipline44

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I guess I am not sure why age would equate with the ability/experience to control that part of you? I do not discount life experience as being important, but perhaps you are thinking more about time spent in the lifestyle or time spent in previous interactions with masochists with similar needs? You are 38. Someone ten years younger than you could have ten years of real life bdsm experience and while ten years older may have none?

I just think it is all specific to the individual and can not be generalized by age, from a sadist/masochist standpoint or any other. However, everyone should obviously start where they are comfortable.

Well, as I read the OP, my mind was formulating my response. But it turns out that Sensualips beat me to it.

I totally agree.....a 25 year old may have stumbled into the realm at an early age and have, maybe, 7 years of good experience under his belt, so to speak. A 40 year old may have stumbled into a BDSM website last month and decided that, since he always enjoyed beating up his ex-wife and regularly kicks his dog, and always wanted to be a sadist, he is one. I'd take the 25 year old in a heartbeat IF IF IF I was a masochist looking for a sadist. (I'm not, it's an example) And if these two were presented to me as my only choices.

I agree that it's time spent and quality of education and practice. Not mere chronological age.

And back in that "other" thread, I never said that someone 20+ years my junior was a hard limit. I just meant that they, understandably so, are a little harder to take seriously, and only because I recently spent 20+ years "training" a couple of them to be decent human beings to be sent out into the world. (And btw, I succeeded brilliantly!) Yes, it's something I would be willing to attempt to overcome, should the opportunity arise.

chymes

And here you back peddle from your stance on the other thread. Too funny how people change their tunes. Funny and at the same time sad,sad,sad. LOL

_____________________________

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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 6

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 12:52:55 PM

windchymes

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He wants me. I can tell.

chymes

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 7

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 1:36:58 PM

LadyJC

Posts: 111
Joined: 5/18/2005
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I'm 21 yrs. old and a few things, I can't stand people my age in general they drive me nuts. Most of them sit around and talk about how loaded they got on fri. night and how now they're so broke. It just bugs me.
No I'm not saying I'm incredibly mature or anything but people my age just aggravate me. Always have, I do tend to go for men who are at least a few years older than me. However I have 3 yrs of active experience in this lifestyle and would have joined even younger if I was allowed to...but I wasn't. I entered the BDSM chat rooms as soon as I turned 19. I spent my first year actively asking questions about things like protocol and yes there is theory, as well as observing at functions and parties.
Yes I've been turned down for not having much experience and that bothers the hell out of me. But what can you do but move on?
I also know people who are 20 or 30 yrs older than me and just joined the lifestyle. So age does not equal experience in this lifestyle. And experience does not equal age.
LadyJC

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 8

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 1:49:32 PM

MHOO314

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LMAO, make sure you are under the right rock chymes--

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/8/2006 1:51:38 PM >

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(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 9

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 2:08:14 PM

seaturtle50

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Joined: 12/28/2005
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I HAD to reply to this one.

Remember please, this is a perspective from a novice, as that is what i am.

While I imagine my Domme to be in the 35 to ?? age, there is some (kinky?) thing that happens inside of me when i imagine submitting to a much younger Woman. Say in the 18 to 20 range.

Somehow, it adds another layer of butterflies. I have not reasoned it out yet, what or why this is - but i suppose it has something to do with the fact that i would be even so much more obvious of my "place" in things in such an age different relationship. And i also somehow imagine her being even a bit more "detached" from me, due to this factor.

Harder for us to be vanilla? My devotion to her so entirely obvious?

Anyway, that said - I would not be comfortable submitting myself to a Woman of any age if She did not possess substantial inner strength and beauty. When those qualities are present and obvious, i could not imagine myself resisting Her, regardless of age.

m

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 10

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 2:50:46 PM

caitlyn

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Being in the 18 to 20 range, I can say that from my experience, 90 to 150 percent of men your age get butterflies if someone my age, female, cute, and breathing ... shows any interest in them at all.

Seriously though, I would think that age works together with ability and potential, to equal experience. Using a vanila analogy, Tom Brady, the hottie quarterback for the Patriots, would probably get more real experience from one game of pro football, than I would in a thousand games. He has the ability, and I can't throw a football to the end of the driveway.

(in reply to seaturtle50)

Post #: 11

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 4:03:46 PM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
For those of you who are HEAVY masochists, pain sluts, etc

would you feel comfortable with a partner who was obviously so much younger than you, and obviously lacked the experience in years, to control that part of you?

The problem with this line of thinking is that age isn't really indicative of whether or not someone is able to meet those needs. Is someone who is 43 with 6 months of experience better able to meet those needs than someone who is 25 with 4 years of experience? What would work best for me re: heavy pain needs would be someone whose need for sadism is a deep or deeper than my need for masochism.

That being said, having my pain needs met isn't ALL I'm looking for so I'd never choose a partner based on that factor alone. I've always preferred partners older than myself (10+ years) because those are the people I tend to relate best to. Since actually liking, admiring and being able to relate to the person I'm with is important, I tend to look for that first in a partner.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 4:07:35 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

This is coming off from all the recent posts that we have had concerning experience when choosing a partner ( whether it be Master/Dominant/slave/submissive ). The angle that I want to look at is from that of a person who is sadistc/masochistic.

Many have said that maturity is a defining factor in choosing a partner that is younger than you; and that maturity outweighs the lack of experience. But what I want to ask is this:

For those of you who are HEAVY masochists, pain sluts, etc

would you feel comfortable with a partner who was obviously so much younger than you, and obviously lacked the experience in years, to control that part of you?

I will use myself as an example...I am pain junkie, I love pain, and if I could start my day off with it, and end my day with it, I would be in pure heaven. But I would think that someone who was so much younger than me, while maybe on the same maturity level; would lack the experience to be able to control that part of me, much less be able to meet it. For myself, I am not sure that I could place myself in the hands of someone who had no idea of what my needs were in that respect.

Now granted, there are those who are older who can also fall into that category, and the same would go for them.

Just curious to see what others think about this perspective.

I'm not getting it....

Being a masochist, a heavy masochist, shouldn't that be more concerned with finding a heavy top? Other than the desire to go heavy and the skills/techniques to do so I'm not sure what that has to do with control.

Desire is, well, just that, I think this may or may not change over time, no real reason it should change as far as I can see.

Skill and techniques, depending on how quickly you learn, the ability of your teachers, and your practice, again, it could take days to learn something well or years and years to never get it. Learning is both wanting to learn, having the resources to learn, but also the ability to learn. Not everyone will have all of these and age isn't much of a factor beyond being a legal adult so you can find venues to learn in.

You could have a 50 year old who really isn't into bruises and hasn't had the resources to learn from compared to a 25 year old who lived in NYC, went to clubs and found skilled folks to learn from, and gets off on causing bruises. If I were a heavy masochist, I'd want the younger person.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 13

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 6:20:24 PM

Petruchio

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quote:

Being in the 18 to 20 range, I can say that from my experience, 90 to 150 percent of men your age get butterflies if someone my age, female, cute, and breathing ... shows any interest in them at all.

I get caution. When someone ultra-young comes on to me, I start seeing problems, not solutions. As smart and genuinely funny as you are, you could well be an exception, but I have seen and done so much in my life, that I value someone who has built in a lot of experience too.

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 14

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 6:50:29 PM

mystictryst

Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
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Reading the OP this is how I understood it...

My perception of the OP was that we equal age with experience. So, if I was a 40 year old pain slut, a 20 year old Sadist would not interest me, regardless if he had 2 years real experience, because I would think (rightly or wrongly, it would be right for me) that besides the generation gap, his 20 years would still equal no experience because he was 20 years old! He couldn't possibley have the level of experience (just "life" wise, nevermind "lifestyle") to be with me.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 6:58:40 PM

AAkasha

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Numerical age as it relates to experience is skewed in "the scene."

I've met a lot of subs in their 40s who not only lacked bdsm experienced, but lacked vanilla experience and romantic experience. They were emotionally immature.

Some people would consider online play, submitting to pros and reading to be "10 years of BDSM experience."

Before age 21 I had a ton of practical experience with learning to communicate with partners and understanding/identifying my own needs and desires. Regardless of how much experience I had with any implements or toys (or even sexual intercourse), I had a good foundation about reading partners, knowing how to explain what I was feeling and knowing how to ask questions.

Akasha

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 16

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 7:29:22 PM

truesub4u

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shakes head... damned if you do.... damned if you don't... again.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 17

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 10:17:01 PM

veronicaofML

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From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
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I've met a lot of subs in their 40s who not only lacked bdsm experienced, but lacked vanilla experience and romantic experience. They were emotionally immature.
=======

i've met some dommes that weren't the brightest candle either...

it goes both ways...esp when the sub is older than the domme...
i know one..so called domme...coulda been my daughter...

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
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(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/8/2006 10:55:55 PM

ICGsteve

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Joined: 2/2/2005
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I think that age does not directly relate to technical ability or to a superficial understanding of the emotional and psychological aspects of being a top. The reason is that a young person could have much more experiance in BDSM than a older person, and the superficial stuff is easy enough to get that even young people can get it. However, a older person is almost always going to be more exerianced in life, and be more emotionally developed than a younger person, so they have more capacity to top. This probably does not matter in relationships that last only a scene, but it is highly important for long term D/s and particularly for M/s relationships. Very short relationships have the dynamic of a sub agreeing to a particular experiance, the sub directly negotiates every bit of what will happen. In long relationships the sub allows the dom to tinker with the very essence of who they are, constantly testing limits and applying layers of direction. To put it another way, if I were a sub and knew what I wanted I would care only that the other person was able to deliver what I wanted, a particular service. But If I were to allow myself to be molded by another person I would need a more substantial person, somebody who could deal with whatever might arise over time.

I am not sure if age matters much in a sub so long as the sub knows who they are, and are set enough in their ways to be predictable.

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 19

RE: Experience...Age...A different perspective - 1/9/2006 12:43:06 AM

ExistentialSteel

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Joined: 1/18/2005
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First, I'll give you a generalization. Women prefer older men and men prefer younger women. That is probably what you feel.

Having said that, what in the world does age have to do with ability as a dominant sadist? The ability to give you pain while keeping you safe is not some secret handshake you learn at 40. Someone mentioned on a thread that there are so many technique classes going on in their city that they pull people off the street to teach them to flog and whip.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 20

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