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Need advice - 1/24/2009 9:55:10 AM   
canadiandragon88


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Status: offline 		my girlfriend and i have been experimenting with different fetishes and she has loved all of them   
so we decided to try dominate and submissive type of play    she enjoys being controlled  but when it comes down to it she is very reluctant to let her guard down and let herself get into the role|
we have very good communication and weve talked about it but she doesnt know why she cant get into the submissive role

has anyone else had this problem   and is there a way to get her more into it so that she will enjoy it more
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:01:48 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say just take it slow and easy.  Try just holding her arms down for awhile during sex. 

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:07:58 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		It may be a matter of it just taking time, and you taking it slowly in what it is you wish her to submit to.  Or it could be a matter of her wanting to top you on occasion.  Or it could be that she's just not submissive and comfortable in that role.  Only she can tell you that.  Congrats on the communication though - it bodes well for you that you can both talk about it and explore!

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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:08:44 AM   
DrSysAdmin


Posts: 37
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		LA is right -take your time. Since we don't know how long you have been together - there may be a history you don't know, or a lack of deep trust. Rrespect her limits but help her push them. Minor restraint, positive reinforcement, various activities that build that trust - are all great things. Be patient and keep her welfare - not just physically but mentally and emotionally - in the forefront - and you will do fine.

(in reply to mc1234)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:09:29 AM   
canadiandragon88


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Status: offline 		oh trying bondage and such during sex we have tried and she enjoys it
this is the confusing part  she enjoys alot of kinky things  she just cant seem to let herself give into submission even though she keeps insisting she wants to

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:26:16 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		In what way is her 'not being able to give herself over to submission' manifesting itself?  Is it a physical thing she seems to be unable to do?  Or is it a mental state she hasn't reached yet?

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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:29:23 AM   
VeryNastyDom


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline 		There are degrees of submission, and maybe she is not THAT kind of submissive.  Just take it slowly, bit by bit, and see where she draws the line.  Next session, push that boundary ever so gently and see if she goes along or whether she freaks out at the same point.  If she goes along with it, then you just need to slow it down and take things at her pace. 

Trust is a big part of this and pushing too hard can destroy the accumulated trust in an instant.  Domming a sub is like running a marathon, it is not a sprint.

(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:46:51 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Judging from comments in several forums here, and frommy own albeit limited experience within the local community, I suggest that having a lass who is interested makes her a gem (against those who are struggling to find a girl and those who likely willnever find one).hang on to her, work with her, learn and teach her anddon't let her go unless it is time. Make this a wonderful experience for her and yourself.  

< Message edited by IronBear -- 1/24/2009 10:48:02 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 10:58:02 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		She also might just want you to force her.  That's a dangerous game though if she's not giving you any clear signals.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 11:13:36 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: canadiandragon88

my girlfriend and i have been experimenting with different fetishes and she has loved all of them   
so we decided to try dominate and submissive type of play    she enjoys being controlled  but when it comes down to it she is very reluctant to let her guard down and let herself get into the role|
we have very good communication and weve talked about it but she doesnt know why she cant get into the submissive role

has anyone else had this problem   and is there a way to get her more into it so that she will enjoy it more



I suggest using a blindfold. Metaphorically, she might not want to 'see' herself as submissive or acting in a submissive manner, so taking away her sight will put her into a more vulnerable place and allow her to start to embrace something she might not want to look at all at once. The blindfold acts like permission to close her eyes to what she's used to or been learning since birth and to experience the moments.

Once she's blindfolded, touch her continually even if it's a light touch on her hand. Keep your voice deep and to a low, then give her simple commands and make sure to give her positive reinforcement when she meets your command .. even simple things, like.. 'turn your head to the right".. then when she does it, tell her she's your good girl or whatever pet name you have for her. Smooth and slow and when she's comfortable with it, you can take another baby step.


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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 1:14:52 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: canadiandragon88

my girlfriend and i have been experimenting with different fetishes and she has loved all of them   
so we decided to try dominate and submissive type of play    she enjoys being controlled  but when it comes down to it she is very reluctant to let her guard down and let herself get into the role|
we have very good communication and weve talked about it but she doesnt know why she cant get into the submissive role

has anyone else had this problem   and is there a way to get her more into it so that she will enjoy it more

Probably everyone has had that problem because western society tends to condition in us to be equals rather than defer to a "senior" partner.  Moreso if your g/f is exposed to feminist influences and ideals....
 
The way you get past it is with time and accepting and reinforcing that what happens between consenting adults comfortable with their personal choices within their private lives is absolutely none of society's business.  Kinda like a de-tox program.... lol
 
Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 1:30:11 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Stone the bloody crows!!!! Da Man has spoken and stated something which I am in complete agreement with..Will wonders never cease??  

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 2:53:39 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

is there a way to get her more into it


I would suggest that the best way would be for her to go onto a message board like this and ask her own questions. I don't much believe in the "we help you help her" kind of dance - since we don't know her, how can we give her advice? I wonder, too, why this is a "problem" - maybe it is not her thing, would that be OK with you?

(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/24/2009 7:06:43 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		My first thought on reading this was a variation of LA's idea.
Perhaps she's not comfortable voicing things herself, but would be receptive and interested if you took the initiative to explore some stuff.

Maybe just think of some things you would like to do and then tell her about it - perhaps when she's tied up or blindfolded, as BitaTruble suggested.

She might be into it, or she might need time to think - or she might think you're a hellacious freak, but either way it might be an adventure.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need advice - 1/25/2009 12:10:28 PM   
sailorfrank


Posts: 127
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline 		    Home Work!   Both of you do more of it together okay?   Lots of info out there that will help you both as well as all the good advice that has been said here!

  Talk more be honest and open. ask her what doubts she has and most important of all dont try to guess what to do or "assume"!

When you assume things you make a......."ASS out of  U  and  ME"

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Need advice - 1/25/2009 12:53:33 PM   
YoursMistress


Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline 		I personally feel submissive and have a desire to submit.  On my recent second foray at a private party, I felt prepared to be beaten and restrained, etc..  When I was told by my friend that I would be touched in a sensual manner, I got very closed and frightened.  It made me question whether my submissive feelings were true, or if perhaps I was just too ashamed to admit my kinks and wanted to be told only to do things I wanted to do. 

yours


_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/25/2009 7:50:00 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Sounds like she is getting into some but not all submissive acts.  That is fine, it is a good first step.  As LA said, do not try to push her, take your time.  Discuss what you want to do and what results you want it to have before you do it with her.  Maybe she will be more agreeable.

Alternative to that, tell us what she does not do that you feel would define her as a submissive.  Maybe it is just her limits that you have to take time with and slowly work through.

(in reply to YoursMistress)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need advice - 1/25/2009 7:58:31 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		It's nothing 3 weeks in a cage won't fix. Seriously, like they said already, take it slow.


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I give good thread.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need advice - 1/25/2009 8:28:40 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I have a very similar approach to D/s. I was a Domme for almost 5 years in my first BDSM-oriented relationship, and a submissive for almost 3 years in my most recent one. I do need trust, and respect for my limits, and so forth, but the bottom line is, I feel like a liar if I claim to be someone's submissive when I don't feel submissive toward them. When I felt submissive, I wanted to do his will, as much as I possibly could, even if I didn't like it. I was able to take more pain than I could in a purely top/bottom S/M type of relationship. I can get tied up, thwacked, etc. and even be compliant, obedient, and cooperative, but that has to do with actions rather than emotions. If a particular person pushes my buttons that way, draws out that side of me, that's fantastic, but most people just don't. By all means, take it slowly, talk with her more, see what service-oriented things she's willing to do. However, if she has a similar approach to D/s, you may find she's not willing to label herself your submissive. You can work with her to find a label that makes both of you happy - girl, toy, pet, slut, etc. that does fit your dynamic.



< Message edited by Andalusite -- 1/25/2009 8:35:08 PM >

(in reply to canadiandragon88)
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RE: Need advice - 1/26/2009 3:11:58 AM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Just give her time.  Build trust.  Keep talking.  Don't be over critical.  It's harder for some than others.

(in reply to Andalusite)
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