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Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 7:54:37 PM

Daddysbaby87

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your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 8:00:55 PM

MDS666

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Over the years of being involved in D/s I encountered it two ways. 1-Decided to want to switch roles 2-Decide in was not for her and was doing it only for me. She wanted vanilla romance.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 8:17:41 PM

devotedinSD

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No, but I was friends with someone who lost the desire to top so to speak.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 8:20:02 PM

DarkSteven

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Not me, but I know a woman who told a man that she was a slave. For two years he was her Master and then it became vanilla. She's unhappy and looking to leave.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 10:31:12 PM

SteelofUtah

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Never, it it's happened to you and you happen to have a Fetish for Fat Guys, well leys just say the silly grin on the girls face still hasn't gone away when I asked her is thought you were hot. To Sweeten the Pot we live in UTAH which is like New York only the Exact Opposite.

Seriously, I find it strange that someone ALL THE SUDDEN changes thier orientation. When I hear about this I often wonder what place this lifestyle holds in thier life is it all Play Based? Because for me role change is like Masturbating with a cheese grater.

The desire to switch roles in my opinion is a sign that the role originally chosen is somehow foreign to the natural instinct of the individual. Now being a SWITCH however is a different thing all together, I find that they know exactly who they are and want to run the line of both sides.

Neither of which ever really work for me. But I can see why someone would.

Steel

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 10:49:22 PM

ResidentSadist

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Yes. After 2 years she decided she was a bedroom submissive not a slave. She wanted me to modify our relationship to vanilla/kink. We separated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysbaby87
your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 10:57:12 PM

SwimGoldfishSwim

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i have, we were together for 3 years, started vanilla and then he introduced me to BDSM and it went well for a year and slowly he stopped punishments, stopped with titles, stopped acting dominant and more indifferent. So i'm not sure if he stopped being interested in being my dom or just in general but it seemed he just decided to stop.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/24/2009 11:00:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I haven't personally, but it's not unknown. Sometimes they get burned out, sometimes they get overwhelmed, sometimes they really just aren't suited for it. It's not unsurprising given a large number of kinskters still lived decades of vanilla relationships before they decided they no longer wanted those anymore.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 12:12:09 AM

JustDarkness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysbaby87

your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

Yes...
she had a difficult time with health and finding a job. It ruined her...and she felt lost in general.
She stayed always a sub/slave..because that is who she is....but at that time...it was to much for her to handle.
I guess it is hard to serve some one when you can't control your own life.
Actually for me it didn't change much...she was still herself..and I supported her were could. She just disliked the label.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 1:49:56 AM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysbaby87

your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

Yes, with my second Master, Peter. The first year was great. He was hot, great body, knew his way around the dungeon and could mind fuck like no one's business. The second year, not so great. He was 'teaching' me how to Top with himself as my target. Topping from the bottom, literally. Mid-way along that second year, with no bottom play at all for me, I started to get really frustrated with 'learning' how to Top. Somewhere during the third year, as I constantly bitched, pissed and moaned about never getting to play on the bottom, he told me that he wanted to be my sub and the idea of a male sub back then made my teeth itch. We broke up, the collar was returned and the last I heard, he's still serving as a bottom in SF so, obviously, he found himself somewhere during those three years we were together. At the time, I only had 3 years of 24/7 under my belt and a couple of years playing as a single and he was around the same as I recall. He grew into himself and many years later, so did I, so it turned out to be best for all concerned.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 3:48:42 AM

MirrorrirroM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Never, it it's happened to you and you happen to have a Fetish for Fat Guys, well leys just say the silly grin on the girls face still hasn't gone away when I asked her is thought you were hot. To Sweeten the Pot we live in UTAH which is like New York only the Exact Opposite.

Seriously, I find it strange that someone ALL THE SUDDEN changes thier orientation. When I hear about this I often wonder what place this lifestyle holds in thier life is it all Play Based? Because for me role change is like Masturbating with a cheese grater.

The desire to switch roles in my opinion is a sign that the role originally chosen is somehow foreign to the natural instinct of the individual. Now being a SWITCH however is a different thing all together, I find that they know exactly who they are and want to run the line of both sides.

Neither of which ever really work for me. But I can see why someone would.

Steel

Very well-spoken :)
I think that realistically with people that identify strongly as Dom, sub, or switch it's very much an inborn, instinctual thing.
I mean I think that many of us have the ability to enjoy switching in individual scenes with particular people, or maybe just for the sake of new experiences, but as far as actually living the lifestyle of being in a D/s relationship I tend to think that as long as both parties are being honest with themselves and their partner they are what they are and that will most likely never change because it's a very natural part of them. I mean I enjoy topping now and again in certain kinds of scenes, but realistically I can't imagine ever being comfortable being anyone's Dom because it's just not something I relate to or identify with. I love being a submissive, and even though I'm still learning the ropes (no pun intended haha) with some stuff the dynamics of my relationship with my Master feel very comfortable and natural to me.
So anyway just had to comment...St. George, eh? Salt Lake here. I actually don't mind Utah so much...I mean for as strict and conservative the culture is here we also seem to have a pretty liberal and entertaining subculture. You just have to know where to look to find it ;)

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 4:01:10 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysbaby87

your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

Yes and no. I had a relationship where the 'dominant' told me that he wasnt going to be dominant ever again, melodramatically deleted all of his profiles and sulked for weeks. He didnt actually mean it but it was instead emotional blackmail on his part because I wasnt a real sub. In case anyone is worried he re-wrote new profiles afterwards.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 5:02:46 AM

rlivre

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I'm in one now. We've been together for over a year with him topping the first 6 mos, then we switched and I've been topping ever since. This is my first BDSM relationship while he's been in it for nearly 30 years. He says he's a switch and has played either role over the years, but I think he just doesn't like to let an opportunity pass. We really are both subs at heart and eventually I will need to move on.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 6:05:57 AM

Petruchio

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I have witnessed several change usually going from D to s. I recall a few women and one guy.

I remember the guy because his girl felt betrayed, believing he was sub or switch all along, but not telling her. Worse, he wanted her to switch rîoles and become domme, which she couldn't (and shouldn't have had to).

I know of one woman who went from sub to the rôle of a domme and she had an interesting rationale. She wasn't able to find a dom who suited her, so to keep her hand in she played with CD/TS subs.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 6:34:29 AM

OneMoreWaste

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Yup

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 8:14:39 AM

pompeii

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nope

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 8:18:01 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysbaby87

your partner was a dom or sub and later inthat relationship they decide they dont want to be a dom or sub anymore?

Only during the formal training period but part of why I do that is to help the sub figure out if that is the right choice for them. My last and best example was a woman I was training whom I helped figure out that she really was happiest as a service top not as a submissive. As far as I know she's a very happy wife and mother now who runs her household well.

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 12:16:27 PM

sailorfrank

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Yes several subs have changed and left the style and most had a good reason and was supportive of them anyway. Why not people do change time to time thru their long lives. Always support them unless you know they will be hurting themselves.

Some of us Humans are fickle and change a lot while other of us dont. That is all human nature and how boring would we be with out change?!

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 1:23:38 PM

TexasMaam

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A Dominant who 'no longer wants to be a Dominant' will usually find themselves craving their submissive counterpart after a few weeks or even a few months of 'downtime'. A Dominant personality is usually hard wired to be Dominant and will eventually resurface IF that individual is truly Dominant by nature and not just presenting themselves as Dominant because of others expectations.

A resistant sub, however, may be having more long term personality conflicts that may last for a much longer period of time.

I had a male sub who began to behave like an inconsiderate jerk. He wanted to be bound and tied at his convenience, but was never ready or present at MY convenience. He stopped putting a priority on pleasing Me, became agitated at My expectations.

I realized it was because he was resisting his submissive nature. Things were out of control in his financial life and I believe he needed a different outlet where he could control things, whether in a vanilla romance or whether he needed to go 'play' as a Dom.

It's not easy to help someone who's become resistant to rediscover their submissive self and their joy in submission, but it can be done.

I'm simply not inclined to engage in that dynamic anymore. I want a sub who IS a sub who KNOWS he is a sub and who has no compulsion to dominate ME. I want a sub who is a masochist and who is willing to jump through hoops to beg me to whip him and who is ready to BE there when I expect him to be.

Having gone down the road of trying to 'be patient', trying to 'give the sub their 'space' or 'distance', having tried to 're-ignite' that submissive sense of service once it's bolted out of the barn I've learned that it's best to release them and allow the sub go explore their needs than to try and channel them in the direction that I want them to develop.

Now, where Dom/Domme burnout is concerned, I think that's a slightly different matter. It takes a great deal of time, consideration and after care on the part of the Dominant to care for a sub. It's easy to burn out on the responsibility, especially if other demands, like work, family, or finances become a constant train wreck.

I think every Dominant sometimes needs to shake off all of their 'minions' and just curl up with a nice glass of port and be 'undomly' for awhile. Take a load off, chill out, take a haitus from WIITWD for awhile.

If you're dealing with Dominant burnout, talk to your Dom and see what it is they specifically do not want to 'engage in' as a Dom at this moment in time. Suggest that a specific activity or responsiblity be shifted or avoided for a time until the Dominant's need for control re-energizes itself.

If you're dealing with submissive resistance, you need to help the sub do some soul searching to find out what it is about their circumstances in other areas of their lives that is making them feel resistant or resentful of their submissive activities.

Either way, introspection, self analysis and the courage to take steps necessary to work through or to change current relationships is the only resolution.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 1/25/2009 1:45:00 PM >

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RE: Have you ever been in a relationship where - 1/25/2009 1:49:08 PM

msstrong

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I would handle this with caution because you have to consider the mental and physical changes that have to make. I would have a serious talk with my partner expressing to him that your interested in exploring other areas of BDSM. Everybodys sexual appetite is constantly evolving, I would just hope that your partner is supportive and willing to compromise him/her desires to accommodate your growth. The most important thing would be to preserve the relationship, no matter what role you play and to experience the journey of constant self discovery. Be honest, be open, be patient with your partner as he/she will have to do the same for you.

Sable Strong

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