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RE: how to be a dom - 1/26/2009 7:37:02 PM

MidnightKat5000

Posts: 97
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

"How to become a dom?" This is a fair question and I myself have asked the same question. The answer, IMO, is there is no right or wrong way to be a dom. I have found that the best way to proceed is to start learning things, varied and different things regarding BDSM. This forum is a great place to start. Talk to folks, get involoved with your local BDSM community if possible. Education should never end.

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"A lobotomy means never having to say you're sorry."

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 21

RE: how to be a dom - 1/26/2009 7:56:14 PM

PLCPC

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I can only tell you what I dislike in a Dom....a Dom who wants to know all my fantasies, then proceeds to reenact them trying to please me. NOTE: this is not a dom.

Know what you want and need from your sub. Then search for the sub that's compatible with your wants and needs.

_____________________________

sub

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 22

RE: how to be a dom - 1/26/2009 9:57:19 PM

dregen

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/24/2009
Status: offline

Thnx for all the comments i read them and it gives me a good idea of what I'm getting into i think i'll go through the forums and read up a bit more as well.

(in reply to PLCPC)

Post #: 23

RE: how to be a dom - 1/27/2009 5:48:18 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

You get respect for seeking answers and help. Knowing your self and your limitations and being willing to study and learn are all positive signs.

(in reply to dregen)

Post #: 24

RE: how to be a dom - 1/27/2009 7:12:41 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

What is wrong if your only interest is Bondage. Where is the rule that you have to have more than one interest. It was the main reason I came to CM. Op stick to what you desire and listen to the advice you have been given on here. There are many bondage clubs that you could look into.

(in reply to Petruchio)

Post #: 25

RE: how to be a dom - 1/27/2009 8:15:58 AM

sailorfrank

Posts: 127
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline

OP good choice. read more and studying will help you a lot. As well as the good advice given you here already.
Some are born that way and others seek the knowledge and learn to become one. Good luck to you and I think you may make a fine Dom!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 26

RE: how to be a dom - 1/27/2009 9:44:49 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

If you in fact are a Dom, then I suggest you quit thinking about Doms and subs and instead think of people, some of which happen to be Doms and some of which happen to be subs (those danged switches just complicate things so I'll pretend they don't exist). Your missions as a Dom are to communicate with a sub and let her know what to do to please you, and to make sure she feels safe around you.

Complicate things for who? If its not your thing then move along but homophobics, thoughtophobics, switchophobics and for that matter anyone who tries to police people within a consensual lifestyle are very unattractive.

If you want to try domination thats cool, if you want to try submission thats cool too and if you want to try a bit of both then good for you but if you want to be a dominant like DS I suggest you buy yourself a long leather coat, a belt with lots of hooks on so you can fasten all your canes and floggers to and grow yourself a nice big beard so you look like a real man!!

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 1/27/2009 9:49:22 AM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 27

RE: how to be a dom - 1/28/2009 5:58:42 AM

T1981

Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

Small things my husband has done to improve his dominance:

-start by gently petting my hair and then once I'm relaxed, grabbing my hair and yanking me down to his cock (seems like a duh thing, but it's pretty amazing how that can get me into the headspace of submissiveness)
-reminding me that it is my pleasure to serve his pleasure
-reminding me that struggling is futile (especially useful if we are doing something difficult like caning)
-before we have a session, he will have me kneel and repeat the "rules" of a scene (no eye contact, etc etc) before him
-telling me when he is pleased or displeased and why (specifics are always best)

That sort of thing. Alot of it - if not most of it - is learning how to help your sub get into the right headspace, because once she wants to serve, it's easier to know what you want to do.

< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/28/2009 6:00:21 AM >

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"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 28

RE: how to be a dom - 1/28/2009 4:20:53 PM

DrSysAdmin

Posts: 37
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

Dregen - you be you - and as you learn about D/s you will figure out where you are. Your likes and dislikes, etc. As for "learning" to be a D - well we all learn many things - but ultimately your learning will come from the decisions you make, the path you choose, and the people you work with. There is no one "way" to be a D - many of us on here disagree with each other because we are all individuals so we each have our own "way" of thinking.

If your looking for a view of D/s - and it is NOT by any means exhaustive - but some views I personally have - read my 360 blog on D/s - 360.yahoo.com/Fatheryoucrave - just remember - its my view - and its not dogma or the ONLY way to see things.

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 29

RE: how to be a dom - 1/28/2009 8:39:57 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Complicate things for who? If its not your thing then move along but homophobics, thoughtophobics, switchophobics and for that matter anyone who tries to police people within a consensual lifestyle are very unattractive.

Psst, Maria.... I do believe that Steven was joking.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 30

RE: how to be a dom - 1/29/2009 3:33:16 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

Complicate things for who? If its not your thing then move along but homophobics, thoughtophobics, switchophobics and for that matter anyone who tries to police people within a consensual lifestyle are very unattractive.

Psst, Maria.... I do believe that Steven was joking.

Ohh really

well I better say oops once again

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 31

RE: how to be a dom - 1/29/2009 6:21:39 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt
Psst, Maria.... I do believe that Steven was joking.

Not exactly joking. I was trying to explain something and chose to simplify. It's much easier to explain D/s in terms of D and s types only. I've been trained in engineering and physics and simplifying a physical situation for the purposes of explanation happens all the time.

I apologize if any switches got miffed.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 32

RE: how to be a dom - 1/30/2009 7:35:26 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PLCPC

I can only tell you what I dislike in a Dom....a Dom who wants to know all my fantasies, then proceeds to reenact them trying to please me. NOTE: this is not a dom.

Know what you want and need from your sub. Then search for the sub that's compatible with your wants and needs.

I have a minor quibble with the first part of that to some degree. I agree with the second part: think about what you would like, then find someone who is compatible with that.

But part of that can be playing with your sub's fantasies, whether you "re-enact" them or not.
Personally, I think those kinds of things are interesting to know and dink around with.

But yeah; you want to be able to bring something of your own to the table, too.

As far as "how to be a dom", here's what comes to mind;

1) Think about what you'd truly like. Get the ideas into some kind of shape so you can communicate them. Don't worry if you don't have all the answers right away. But make sure that you know how to do whatever it is that you'd like to do safely.

2) Find someone compatible with those things, and be upfront about what you want.

So, I think that boils down to: communication, honesty, and being responsible.

(in reply to PLCPC)

Post #: 33

RE: how to be a dom - 1/31/2009 1:58:14 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

REVERENT
A Dom is reverent toward God. He is faithful in his religious duties. He respects the beliefs of others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A true Dom is the governor of God.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 34

RE: how to be a dom - 2/3/2009 5:34:57 AM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

what makes a Dom???splits into two sections in my mind(mindset and technical) the answer to the mindset part is i dont know ,its just is how ones hardwired.
However from the technical aspects and having just read a thread about a very young Domina asking about CBT and commenting that shes hung 3 to 5lb weights on his testicles and everything seems to still work

kind of suggets to me its worth pointing out that alot of the toys and games in the lifestyle need to be learned and practiced carefully.

Whatever your kink is or going to be the old internet mantra of safe sane and consensual holds up very well as a beginners guide to what one should or should not do.

take time out to learn what that flogger does(and indeed feels like) and learn where its safe to flog her with etc etc etc etc and the same with all those other toys out there

Be well :)

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 35

RE: how to be a dom - 2/3/2009 9:30:58 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SensibleSam

BDSM Dominance derives from primate dominance. In most primates the band is led by a so-called alpha male who has exclusive sexual access to the females. In most primate species that dominance is expressed physically, meaning that the alpha male beats on or beats up those who are lower ranked - both male and female. Females respond to male dominance with submission which includes sexual acceptance. In many species - especially urangatangs - females strongly resist sex with any male other than a dominant male.

Uhm, so not true. Chimps fuck like rabbits although the alpha tends to get more possessive if the female is ovulating. Bonobos, well they just fuck in general.

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 36

RE: how to be a dom - 2/3/2009 9:33:49 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dregen

I know it's rather vague but I'm fresh to this scene and it seems like something that's interesting but i really don't know the first thing about being a sub or about training sub so I'm just lost. So if theirs any advice that you guys can offer it'd be greatly appreciated.

There isn't one "way" to do this other than take the long path to learn who you are. There are women on this forum who would stand in long lines to be with me and there are women on this forum who would stand in an even longer line to beat me with a 2x4. So trust me, there is no "one way".

Do yourself a favor and buy a cheap used copy of "Screw the Roses" and "The Topping Book" off of amazon.com and try and find them from the same bookstore so you can save on shipping. If you can master what is in those two books you will already be on the far side of the bell curve from most people.

(in reply to dregen)

Post #: 37

RE: how to be a dom - 2/3/2009 9:48:23 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

The best advice that I can give you to so go slow, read some good books as SimplyMichael has given you a good list and find a mentor. I am sure that there is a BDSM club or group in your area that can help you with educational classes and finding a mentor.
I've been a Mistress for many years and what I've learned is that you can never learn enough. Keep an open mind and remember that your human, you have your limitations and so is true of your sub should you take one on.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to dregen)

Post #: 38

RE: how to be a dom - 2/3/2009 4:44:51 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

Some people confuse being a dom with one of the following:

Sadist (pain)
Top (management - but not control.. If your bottom says "hey, master, hit me harder" and you obey, you are a top)
Bondage Artist (tieing people up)

There are a lot more. But those are the ones I see most often. Dominance is about being obeyed. If that turns you on, you are a Dom. If it doesn't, then by my definition, you aren't. No matter how much you enjoy hurting your masochist, no matter how much you enjoy managing the scene, no matter how much you like to tie people up, you are not dominant.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 2/3/2009 4:47:24 PM >

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 39

RE: how to be a dom - 2/5/2009 3:59:55 PM

BigSi2009

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/14/2008
From: Sussex, UK
Status: offline

As a new Dom, I found it most useful to read info on the boards over at Alt and here. Also, to observe the behaviour of others such as through forum posts/chat rooms. Then, over time, through speaking to and meeting subs, I have also begun to find my dominant self and work out how I want to express myself in a dominant way towards them. That's not to say that I'm not dominant just that it dosen't come naturally as for me, I'm not particulrly dominant in normal life Though not sub either - somewhere inbetween). I've also learnt the difference betwwn Domineering and Dominant. For instance, you don't need to tell "Kneel Bitch" to have that person kneel for you. Instead, try "You will kneel for me now".

But I came here after realising through random sexual relationships that I enjoyed being in control and that I wanted to meet people (and only those people) who enjoyed being submissive towards me. After having one or two experiences where control was left to me, I found I couldn't go back (or didn't enjoy anywhere nearly as much) to a r'ship where a certain act was not going to be on the cards.

I also suggest, if you are not sure about your role yet, then try watching some scenes on film (or real if you are lucky enough) and see which you prefer. I've been watching a few "Training of O" films recently and they really turn me on - and I want to be the Dominant in the scene. However, I do not get any excitement from watching a video of a Domme walking on or inflicting cock and ball torture on a man. So for me, my mindset is for the domination of women and from that point on, I've been trying to learn more and more about the path I have chosen.

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If I gave you my signature, you'd be able to steal my identity.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 40

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