Off the wall question, probibly stupid (Full Version)

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Mel12261981 -> Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/28/2009 6:04:21 AM)

Hi all, for starters i'm new to the boards.  i have a unique situation (don't we all).  my Master was my husband, he has decided to divorce me, the reason being i developed alcoholism.  This persisted and wosened when He deployed (to Iraq), our two children were under my charge while this was going on.  i have looked at things from His point of view as best i can, i was wondering if anyone had another point of view that i haven't seen.  i adore Him and would love nothing more then to salvage the bond that i managed to shatter, knowing that has about a snowballs chance in hell of happening, all i can do is bring myself to try to see His view better.  Even if it's just blasting me, please, a little imput?
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m27.gif[/image]



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/28/2009 6:12:28 AM)

Have you stopped drinking?

The health, safety and well being of  you and your children are paramount.



krikket -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:12:35 AM)

Hiya hon.  i was going to write to you off the boards, but decided that since you were brave enough to ask here on the boards, I'd share what i have to say with everyone.  Have you been to AA or gone to any other kind of treatment?  If you're alcoholic then that's the first step, recognizing you have a problem, one that only you can solve.  Perhaps if when he returns and he sees how hard you've worked he'll be willing to work things out.  However, you have to work on yourself for you, not for him or your kids.

Also, no such thing as a stupid question, except maybe the unasked one.

Please feel free to write me if you'd like.  my mother was an alcoholic, but she had 25 years of sobriety before she died, and i was a regular member of Alanon (for the family of an alcoholic.)

Good luck and huggles,
jiminie



alysia -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:20:47 AM)

Admitting you have a drink problem is the first step.  The next is finding help and there is a lot of help and support systems out there for alcohol problems.  You need to do this for you first and foremost and for the sake of your children. 
 
alysia wishes you luck.
 
*cwtch* 
 
Ps... that's a welsh hug before anyone asks!

*edited to add an apology for replying in the ask a Master thread!



JustDarkness -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:22:17 AM)

mmm so he is your Master..but stopped beeing your husband.
Did I misread that? If not....I find it weird..



Mel12261981 -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:23:07 AM)

Yes, i've gone dry, went through the 28 day rehabilitation program, did the sponser, AA meetings the whole nine, until i moved the kids back to the south to be with Him.  Since then i have been having problems finding meetings, i am supposed to get some follow ups friday.  i know He has no trust for me, but what i guess i am really trying to find out is what aspects of hurt i caused Him and the children to better understand the whole situation.  Thank you for your response.



DarkSteven -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:23:57 AM)

When your Master married you and had children with you, he did it because of the person you were.  When he left you, it was because of the person you changed into.

Why do you ask what this was like from his POV?  Mel, what's your goal here? If it's to be a better mother and healthier person for your sake and your kids', that's healthy.  If it's just a step to win him back, then it's not.

You need to kill off your own inner demons.  THEN you will determine if you want him back, or not.  I get the impression that right now you are looking for bandaids to patch your life together to get him back.



kittinSol -> RE: Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/28/2009 6:25:21 AM)

What are you asking, exactly? Are you asking whether you can help him change his mind?



Mel12261981 -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:27:54 AM)

i may be looking for a bandaid fix, if i am, i don't know it.  The objective of this is for me is to try to have a clear understanding of what i have done to Him, i am not trying to find a way to get Him back.

JustDarkness; Sorry if i was unclear.  He has ceased being my Master, husband or at this point friend.



LilacPromise -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:28:17 AM)

Hello Mel,
 
First of all congratulations in identifying you have a problem and the condition of alcoholism.. Alcoholism is a condition and like all conditions it needs firstly identifying and treating .. to just simply say "ok stop drinking" is like saying to someone with depression "snap out of it" far from helpful.
 
You have taken the first brave step in identifying this is a problem for you.  Has your Master/ Husband supported you through this condition or not you do not say? If not or if He is still away have you a family member /friend who you feel you can confide in to assist with some support ?
 
 I would echo the advice above, contact AA and speak to someone. I know it may be daunting and worrying but they are a fantastic organisation and can support you best as each one there was once where you are now.

I wish you strength and all the best



Madame4a -> RE: Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/28/2009 6:29:18 AM)

Your priorities are off... forget about his view, when you are sober for awhile, you'll see it.  You need for yourself first, and it must be your idea, to get sober.  Its not easy ... but really, that's your first priority. 

ok.. I see you say you've done it all.. but its all past tense... staying sober is a lifetime of work.. its a present thing... and to be honest, I am really surprised you can't find a meeting... that is VERY hard to do... not find a meeting...again, that should be your priority

and honestly, AA will be the thing that will help you to understand... get the big book.. and read

a quick google search actually comes up with several references, I don't know what will work for you.. but you should find something that does

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mel12261981

Hi all, for starters i'm new to the boards.  i have a unique situation (don't we all).  my Master was my husband, he has decided to divorce me, the reason being i developed alcoholism.  This persisted and wosened when He deployed (to Iraq), our two children were under my charge while this was going on.  i have looked at things from His point of view as best i can, i was wondering if anyone had another point of view that i haven't seen.  i adore Him and would love nothing more then to salvage the bond that i managed to shatter, knowing that has about a snowballs chance in hell of happening, all i can do is bring myself to try to see His view better.  Even if it's just blasting me, please, a little imput?
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m27.gif[/image]



BitaTruble -> RE: Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/28/2009 6:33:31 AM)

Mel .. sometimes you can't fix things that you've broken. All you can do is work on the person you are now.  It sounds like you are still new to your sobriety and if you haven't learned this in AA yet, let me tell you, you have to take things one day at a time. You need to put all your expectations on you.. not someone else. Whether or not you can rekindle anything is a future event.. stay in the present for the time being and every moment that passes where you don't raise the glass to your lips is a victory. Do it for you, honey and what comes to you is what comes to you. 



Musicmystery -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:34:27 AM)

quote:

Since then i have been having problems finding meetings


Nonsense. They are everywhere, all day everyday. Use the web or call the hotline.

You can't do this by yourself. Get to a meeting. Speak up. Introduce yourself. Call people.



T1981 -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:35:30 AM)

Hi, I'm T1981 and I'm a recovering alcoholic whose own relationship with her husband has seen many, many ups and downs as a result of being in recovery. *waves*

It sounds counterproductive, but when I was in in the beginning stages of recovery, I was constantly told to stop worrying about the damage I caused others and to worry more about the damage I caused to myself. Alcoholics - and submissives especially - can get very wrapped up in trying to figure out how to "make it better", all the while that search becomes nothing more than an escape in and of itself.

It's easier to focus on another's pain, not so easy to focus on our own pain. But that, for me, was a cop out. I had to come down to Earth and realize that the first person on my 9th step list was myself, and from then on out, work from there.

Sobriety is a gift, even when it feels like it will kill you. I found my submissiveness years after I got sober, but one way that may help to look at it is to remember that if sobriety is a gift, then it is one that you deserve to bestow upon yourself as well - that even we deserve that. If you must submit to something concerning your addiction, submitting to the power of recovery is a good place to start.

You're at a crucial point right now - fresh out of rehab, alone, and terrified. These seem like dark and desperate times, but it is now, right now, right here, that you are at your strongest and most able to drag yourself out of your depths. When I tried to think of doing things for myself, it was both harder and easier - but in the end, that is the only thing that kept me sober.

There are also tons of online AA meetings - I have used them in times when I couldn't get to a meeting. Just google and go and believe me, you'll feel better for it. I always have.



JustDarkness -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:38:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Mel12261981

i may be looking for a bandaid fix, if i am, i don't know it.  The objective of this is for me is to try to have a clear understanding of what i have done to Him, i am not trying to find a way to get Him back.

JustDarkness; Sorry if i was unclear.  He has ceased being my Master, husband or at this point friend.



as others say mel...save yourself first......then the rest might follow :)
step by step is the best way to go.....at least you just got yourself a goal to help yourself...your ex-husband



krikket -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:40:36 AM)

Hi again.  A quick google search gave me this, and there are other websites listed as well. 

Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 1745 Chaffey Rd., suite E. Monday at 8 p.m. is a closed discussion meeting. Tuesday at 6 p.m. is an open discussion meeting. Friday at 5:15 is a closed book study. Call 537-3913 for more information. The Sunshine group Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 400 Alexandria Highway, Leesville, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday at 6 p.m. Call 239-2898 for more information.   You can also get information about family groups from the same number.

Hon, if you've been thru the 28 day program and AA, you should know that's there's a vast difference between being dry and being sober.  i wish you the best of luck.

jiminie





DavanKael -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:45:05 AM)

Save the ums first, then work on saving yourself, imo. 
I agree that you touched on a valid point when you said that you may be looking for a band-aid solution.  You've mentioned a number of issues in just the few posts here.  Those will take time and serious, concerted dedication to change and that still does not necessarily mean he will wish to continue a relationship with you, hence the initial sentence of my post. 
12-step isn't the only way (Isn't even the best way, according to stats) but, if you're ready to change, the 'program' doesn't matter, your dedication does.  Someone accurately pointed out that there are meetings all over all of the time.  Also, call your county's social services organizations for referrals, there are community-based organizations, etc. 
Best wishes,
  Davan



Katchoo -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:45:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mel12261981

i know He has no trust for me, but what i guess i am really trying to find out is what aspects of hurt i caused Him and the children to better understand the whole situation. 


Get your life back together, and he will see the person you have become in helping yourself... excel in your new skin. Actions speak louder than words. Battles are a series of small maneuvers. You may or may not get him back, likely not, but when you are whole and have your life together again would be the time to rebond and attempt to communicate about his feelings. If you share children, it is always best to be on good terms and have a base of trust... proceed with that goal in mind. Be considerate of him, his personality, and his feelings in the timing and setting you choose to broach the subject, and listen carefully to what he has to say to you.



cjan -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 6:52:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mel12261981

Yes, i've gone dry, went through the 28 day rehabilitation program, did the sponser, AA meetings the whole nine, until i moved the kids back to the south to be with Him.  Since then i have been having problems finding meetings, i am supposed to get some follow ups friday.  i know He has no trust for me, but what i guess i am really trying to find out is what aspects of hurt i caused Him and the children to better understand the whole situation.  Thank you for your response.


Mel, "dry" is not the same as sober. Sobriety takes time and effort. Daily effort and one day at a time. You mention meetings, treatment, and sponsors, but have you worked the steps ? It does work, if you work it. If you are sincere and willing, you must make sobriety, one day at a time, your number 1 priority. Everything else will follow. I'm not saying that you will get him back. As someone said, sometimes when we break things, they stay broken. But, at least, being sober, you will have a fresh start and new opportunities ti be happy and make a good life for yourself and your children.



alysia -> RE: Off the wall question, probably stupid (1/28/2009 7:03:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: T1981
Hi, I'm T1981 and I'm a recovering alcoholic whose own relationship with her husband has seen many, many ups and downs as a result of being in recovery. *waves*

It sounds counterproductive, but when I was in in the beginning stages of recovery, I was constantly told to stop worrying about the damage I caused others and to worry more about the damage I caused to myself. Alcoholics - and submissives especially - can get very wrapped up in trying to figure out how to "make it better", all the while that search becomes nothing more than an escape in and of itself.

It's easier to focus on another's pain, not so easy to focus on our own pain. But that, for me, was a cop out. I had to come down to Earth and realize that the first person on my 9th step list was myself, and from then on out, work from there.

Sobriety is a gift, even when it feels like it will kill you. I found my submissiveness years after I got sober, but one way that may help to look at it is to remember that if sobriety is a gift, then it is one that you deserve to bestow upon yourself as well - that even we deserve that. If you must submit to something concerning your addiction, submitting to the power of recovery is a good place to start.

You're at a crucial point right now - fresh out of rehab, alone, and terrified. These seem like dark and desperate times, but it is now, right now, right here, that you are at your strongest and most able to drag yourself out of your depths. When I tried to think of doing things for myself, it was both harder and easier - but in the end, that is the only thing that kept me sober.

There are also tons of online AA meetings - I have used them in times when I couldn't get to a meeting. Just google and go and believe me, you'll feel better for it. I always have.


Thank you for sharing this with us T.
 
Mel, read and take note of what T has shared here.  What better person to advise you than one who has been there and done that and maybe you shouldn't be asking what aspects of hurt you have caused him but what aspects of hurt caused you to turn to alcohol. 
 
well wishes,
 
alysia



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