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julietsierra -> RE: Off the wall question, probibly stupid (1/30/2009 7:57:59 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Morniel
I've kept quiet up to now, but then was told to answer it, since it's pissed me off so badly as to be visible to my family.
First of all, to whoever said that incredibly stupid thing about having "cancer thrust upon us" -- No, most people don't actively choose that, but people DANG WELL do choose how they handle it.
Second, I agree with the people who said that they don't buy into the addiction as a disease theory. That's complete bullshit. You may have a genetic predisposition to addiction, to breast cancer, or to heart attack, but that does not mean those things are set in stone, and your OWN behaviour can govern whether those things occur or how severe they are when they do, and how badly they impact your life.
Third, my mother is a "recovering alcoholic" who has used the "twelve step" programs for something like I don't know, 28 years now. I am here to tell you that she is not a recovering anything, she is a dry drunk. She replaced alcoholism with an addiction to self pity, which is what all twelve-step programs to which I have been exposed, including the one I was asked to help sponsor for the hospital in which I practised at the time, is for. These "programs" make sure the addict knows that nothing on earth is their fault, but the result of plans from some "higher power". Don't tell me I haven't read the manuals; I have. It's required for your degree in certain fields of medical practise.
There, now I've pissed off half of CM's members. On to pissing off the OP herself.
You were married to someone in the military. In case it escaped your childish, selfish, ego-centric consciousness, the military is a weird organisation governed by archaic rules and customs. The fact of the matter is, the behaviour of the military member's family affects that person's entire career. It can affect security clearances, to the point where the person loses his position and cannot be promoted and is therefore discharged from the service. It can result in the MILITARY member being reprimanded, court maritaled, or imprisoned. Yes, I know this personally, because not only am I retired military, my father was military, my grandfathers were military, my sister was military, and my late husband was military. Unfortunately, every one of us was involved in dealing with a military member whose SPOUSE basically destroyed them.
Along those lines, you not only endangered his career, you endangered his ability to care for his children -- that is, to provide income to keep them fed, clothed, housed, and cared for. Worse, you did this while the man was deployed, during what is basically a time of war. You think your poor little life sucked because you were taking care of two children all alone? In a house with running water, working electricity, and a roof? In an area where you could purchase groceries sufficient to feed those children? Stop and think for just a minute how nice HIS accomodations during deployment might be. Living in a tent? With electricity, if available at all, shut down for a certain period daily? With mass-produced food if lucky and if not lucky with dried packaged rations? Without plumbing? and let's not forget, in danger of being shot, bombed, or gassed, ALL THE TIME. Yeah, you had it so tough back there at home, you poor little thing.
So here's poor little you. You're overwhelmed by the fact that your husband is deployed, that you are raising your children alone for the moment, that you are lonely -- whatever, you were overwhlemed.
So instead of taking advantage of all of the programs provided by the military itself for spouses of deployed people, YOU chose to dive into a bottle.
Instead of getting out and talking with friends, and trading babysitting with each other so that each of you could have some alone time, YOU chose to dive into a bottle.
Instead of seeking out professional help -- and don't even pretend it wasn't available, if you are the spouse of an active duty military member, then you have access to VERY good health care and healthcare referral FOR FREE -- YOU chose to dive into a bottle.
If alcoholism is a "disease" and "inherited" and "genetic" and all that other BS, then since my mother was an alcoholic, why am I NOT one? Why was her mother NOT one? Why was her grandmother NOT one? Why are my brothers or my sister NOT alcoholics?
Well, I'll tell you why not. Because we CHOSE other ways to cope with life changing events.
We CHOSE not to drug ourselves senseless with booze, narcotics, or other things and instead, we CHOSE to explore other choices and solutions.
What is your husband feeling right now? Well, no one but your husband can tell you that. But what I felt about my mother, when I was seventeen years old, was TOTAL BETRAYAL.
Your husband may have loved you; no one but him can answer that either. But when you CHOSE to take a cheap cowardly way out of dealing with your life, and when the choice YOU made threatened his children, you not only endangered those children -- possibly for years to come -- you betrayed him.
And worst of all, you did it while he was deployed.
I'd like to say "best of luck" to you. Unfortunately I'm not that big a person, and what I really hope is that you get exactly the "karma return" that someone like you deserves.
(edited for a spelling error)
Morniel, you are evidently still very angry. First you took me to task for what I said and then said exactly the same thing. I found that kind of interesting. Only thing different is that I didn't say it from a place of anger.
Example: I said there are people who don't believe alcoholism is a disease. Afterall, if it's a disease, it's probably the only disease I can think of in which people actually CHOOSE to acquire it. To me, that choice makes it not a disease. You said if it's a disease, why don't you have it if your mother did. In other words, to you, it's not a disease either. So.. what's all the yelling about?
However, you are correct that we do choose how to handle the diseases we do acquire, but the example (cancer kills, alcoholism kills - cancer is not something someone chooses, alcohol is) is still valid. You might want to think of that before you start throwing your temper around to anybody within striking range.
It's been 10 years since I've been as angry as you sound here. Then again, it was my husband, whereas, for you, it was your mother. However, when you let your anger get to you, you sure did lash out, didn't you? And without even taking the time to consider that what someone else said is exactly what you were saying.
Oh, and I really did like your slant on personal responsibility. It's pretty much that way with virtually everything these days isn't it? Nothing is ever anyone's fault. Someone else is always to blame. (and I hate to point out that your anger also falls under this category - you're an adult, you can choose how you deal with the cards life has dealt. It's your choice whether you opt for anger or rising above and beyond it. Don't let anger be YOUR addiction. Alcohol still holds the dry drunk in its grip. Anger holds those who are hurt. The best way to get past it is to rise above it - at least to me. You were a child. You had no control over what happened. However, as an adult, you have choices of your own to make. Will you still be held in the grip of what alcoholism has done to your family? Or will you choose to move past it (including the anger)? It's YOUR choice now... YOU have the control you never did when you were younger, and no one can take that from you unless you let them. It's time for personal responsibility to ante up all the way around.
However, I really do hope your words strike home for the OP. She needs to understand just how much she hurt all those folks she loves and just how long that hurt can last, cause while you were 17, your post sounds like it could have happened yesterday.
juliet
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