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Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 4:22:57 AM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
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As a submissive with a fairly new relationship happening, I find myself wondering something? He asked me recently if I had ever been with another woman, my answer was no. He asked me if I would? I told Him it was not something I would ever want, but I would think on it. He isn't pressing, just curious I guess. My question is this? If you are asked to do something that you really don't want to, do you sometimes give in because He asks you to? Isn't that a contradiction of honoring "limits"? I understand that Dom is usually going to push your limits, but what about ones you already have in place? I read a lot of profiles about wanting to keep the sub/slave in a box or cage when "not in use". I find it hard to believe that a woman could survive for long in that type of situation. For me, this lifestyle is not about humiliation, and honestly sometimes I don't know how I feel anymore. I have only had one other Dom since becoming active in this lifestyle, (I don't count the wannabe--another story), but He never once pushed me to do something I didn't want to. I have limits (hard) on anal, and He respected them. I guess I am just feeling a little confused. With this relationship being new, we have met in r/l once so far, am I setting myself up for failure? I guess there are some that would do "anything", I am just not one of them. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

_____________________________

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Post #: 1

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 4:33:29 AM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

Doing something you don't want to do is different from honoring your limits, in my opinion. And I kinda get off doing things I don't want to do just to please him, but that's me. And this is a long discussion which we have well before I'm collared and owned.

My definitions:

Hard Limits = things I absolutely will not do.

Soft Limits = things I'm not thrilled about trying or doing, but will with the right person

It's up to you to decide how you feel about bisexuality, if it's something you'll try once to see how it feels, or if it's a hard limit and go from there. Be sure to be clear to this man about how you feel about it. It's easy to send mixed signals if you're trying to be pleasing, but if it's a 'no' then he needs to know this.

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 2

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 4:35:22 AM

tkenslve

Posts: 98
Joined: 2/23/2004
Status: offline

Some people have both 'hard' and 'soft' limits. Hard limits are often animals, scat, kids... that kind of thing. From your question one of yours might also be anal. Basically things you would never, never, never do. Soft limits are things that you really prefer not to do, but might with the right person, situation, etc. From what i have learned, it is not unusual for a Dominant to push soft limits.

If you dont want any limits pushed at all, hard or soft, my thoughts are that you just have to find a Dominant who fits just right. As for this guy, who knows? Might take some time discussing to find out.

good luck

_____________________________

Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. - Tori Amos

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 3

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 4:49:53 AM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

Different submissives and dominants feel differently about their limits. Some submissives strive to achieve "no limits" status, and seek out dominants who will push thier boundaries until there aren't any. Some submissives place limits on things they are merely afraid to try, due to lack of information or a bad experience in the past, and their dominant senses that the sub actually does want to try it, but is just scared. Some submissives place limits that are truly limits, not to be tampered with or approached. You'll need to communicate with your dominant about which type of limits you have. Keep in mind that once you're in a relationship, your limits may relax and you might feel more open to things.

As to the dominants who will keep thier slaves in a cage when not in use...well, that's a nice fantasy world they're imagining for themselves, but if they ever actually got a subbie, likely they'd realize the impossibility of that particular fantasy. I advise avoiding those types.

< Message edited by ExKat -- 1/29/2009 4:51:05 AM >

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(in reply to tkenslve)

Post #: 4

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 5:19:54 AM

LilacPromise

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/28/2009
Status: offline

My personal thoughts on this are many subs / slaves are either keen to rush in to a "relationship" or a "collar" and miss out a very important stage of open and honest communication between themselves and their respective Dominant. It should be during the "get to know you process" before play even begins that vital questions concerning expectations and limits are set and established.

As a sub or slave never assume always ask questions eg What do you expect from me ? What are your limits? Would you ever want to test mine? What are your views / wishes about Bisexuality, anal, unsafe sex ( yes some Dominants seek this) and Will it be an exclusive relationship or will you be seeking others or looking for a poly situation. Will i be given to another Dominant to serve them? ect ect

It is also wrongly thought that the difference between subs and slaves is the question of limits. Yes some people actually do seek out to become a "no limit slave" but I do not actually know anyone who is this. There are legal limits e.g criminal acts / illegal acts does a "no limit slave" break these? should she / he actually be conversing to a Dominant who might wish to? However, a slave would still be limited by the limits of her/his Dominant

If limits are agreed they should never be broken ever. Sadly this does happen sometimes I know of several it has happened to.

.Lastly never listen to anyone who says oh your not a sub/slave because you will not do X, Y or Z........ that doesnt make you a non sub or slave ..... it just means that you and the Dominant are not compatable.

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 5

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 5:26:26 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Only you can draw the line as to whether what he wants would be just difficult for you or detrimental for you.

Beyond that, when it comes to another woman, you have to think about how she would feel. How would you feel if a gay man said he would give you oral sex because he was told to but you needed to know that he finds the whole thing offensive and he isn't attracted to you at all? Would you still tell him to do it? That's how I feel about being told to have sex with another woman, I would be turned off, I would not be able to act as though I enjoyed it, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.

My rule of thumb when asked to do things I have no interest in is to say no for right then, and then think about it. Because I can always change that no to a yes, but I cannot undo the experience. YMMV

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LilacPromise)

Post #: 6

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 6:06:14 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I've not had limits with M because it would just be a redundant exercise. I knew him for many years as a man before he owned me and by then I knew the KIND of man he was, never mind the D/s or the bdsm.

I've done many things that I don't want to do and that will never change. None of it has hurt me as a person: it's never detracted from our relationship or dented the way I feel and think of him.

For me, limits are things we might find along the way , not things we'd decide ahead of time. We've never found any to date. I've been frightened, apprehensive, frustrated, cross and downright bad-tempered about some things but have never come away feeling unhappy. It's not what he does, it's the way that he does it and the way it's approached.

I just take each day as it comes, when he produces something that I'm sqeamish or apprehensive about , I say so. He listens and if he considers that I *just don't want to* or *it'll hurt* or *I'm terrified* he goes right ahead. There would have to be a jolly good reason for me to *opt out* and as he's known me for almost a decade, he's pretty much heard it all where I'm concerned.....lol.

agirl

[mod edit ]

< Message edited by ModeratorSixteen -- 1/29/2009 11:23:20 AM >

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 7

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 6:40:32 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Beyond that, when it comes to another woman, you have to think about how she would feel. How would you feel if a gay man said he would give you oral sex because he was told to but you needed to know that he finds the whole thing offensive and he isn't attracted to you at all? Would you still tell him to do it? That's how I feel about being told to have sex with another woman, I would be turned off, I would not be able to act as though I enjoyed it, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.

This is spot on............ How could he put another woman through something that would cause you trauma and her rejection. To be honest I can think of nothing worse.
S knows that if he ever got another woman to dominate me I would walk out but not before fighting her to the death. Its just a no go, out of bounds area and one that should be left well alone.
Most men get off on the thought of three in a bed and watching his woman getting off with another woman but it has to be something you all want or whats the point?

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 7:16:10 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

Love your limits, soft and hard. They are part of what makes you unique and real, just like your sense of humor and your quirky smile. "Limits" means different things to different people, and some people want to push their limits because the limit is there from fear or social issues or cause the idea of having a limit and overcoming it is hot to them. Only you know which physical acts are ones that just gross you out and ones that are interesting in fantasies but don't want to try in real life and ones that you might try if all the elements were just right. And be prepared for them to change over time and with different people.

But love your limits, they are part of what makes you desirable and wonderful.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 9

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 8:06:56 AM

loveandlight87

Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

I distinguish what is hard vs soft limit for me on the ‘gut reaction’ thing. If there is a core level, gut wrenching negative response, then for me, it’s a hard limit. If there is ‘just’ a ewww or holy catz – no way! kinda response then it’s more likely a soft limit. Soft limits are ones that take the right set of circumstances to be pushed. Hard limits just won’t happen.

As others have stated, this isn’t just about you and him. There would be someone else to consider in picture. It may be that the right set of circumstances will present themselves and a fair bit of communication with the ‘third’ will have occurred. At that point she would go into it with a full understanding of your feelings and that things may go awry. But this is something that I wouldn’t recommend pushing yourself into, or allowing another to push you into. Even though I am bi, it doesn’t mean I can just screw any girl that comes along.

love

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 10

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 8:10:06 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

In addition to what others have shared, I'd be a bit wary of someone who so quickly throws out the girl on girl action question. Often times, this is indicative of someone who is caught up in the fantasy so much that they forget the reality of the person standing in front of them.

I experienced it with my former owner, and women come here every week with similar questions. The guy hasn't even established a stable relationship with this woman, and he's talking about bringing another into the mix, either for sex/play only or for his fantasy triad.

It's not so much about hard/soft limits as it is about poor relationship foundations.

Best of luck.

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 11

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 8:39:11 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. For some relationships, I don't want to is a good enough reason not to proceed. For some relationships, I don't want to is simply irrelevant.

Bringing up the getting down with another woman part doesn't automatically make him a wanker. If my fantasy were to be with two women at the same time, I wouldn't want to build a long lasting relationship with someone who was morally opposed to woman on woman or having sexual relations outside of a relationship.

Maybe you should take the relationship a little slower. If a question makes you wonder whether he will honor your limits, you need to get to know him better. Really knowing your man inside and out will help you determine whether he's the type who is going to harm you or lift you up.

< Message edited by junecleaver -- 1/29/2009 8:43:04 AM >

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 12

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 8:50:18 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well LIFE is about doing some shit we really don't like or want because they give us something larger in return. Limits or not is irrelevant there.

Now, whether this act will give you something larger in return depends on you.

To me a limit is something that takes away from my sense of self. It makes me unable to attain my full experience of who I am.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 13

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 8:58:27 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

This is spot on............ How could he put another woman through something that would cause you trauma and her rejection. To be honest I can think of nothing worse.
S knows that if he ever got another woman to dominate me I would walk out but not before fighting her to the death. Its just a no go, out of bounds area and one that should be left well alone.
Most men get off on the thought of three in a bed and watching his woman getting off with another woman but it has to be something you all want or whats the point?

I am not bi and have never thought about being with another woman so its not something I would really want to do. Would I do it if he told me to? Of course I would.

The point - his pleasure.

However for someone who knows that they would never do that under any circumstances then it should be agreed as a hard limit.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 14

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 9:15:47 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I have my hard limits and being with another woman for me is one of them. If he wishes i would be with another man. but i don't want that i only want him. Master and i have discussed my hard limits, and i know he will respect them. I expect him to push my soft limits and open me to new experiences. I trust him totally.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 15

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 9:16:28 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

A wise person once told me, "self-professed limits are the limits of comfort, not the limits of ability." I believe what he said to be true. My hard limits fall into two categories: things that make me barf, and things that make me lose respect for my partner.

It is not comfortable for me to barf, I hate it, it's a hard limit. Scat makes me barf, therefore it's a hard limit. Are things that make me barf going to kill me if I do them? No, it's a limit of personal comfort.

Things that make me lose respect for my partner would be things like seeing him be submissive to another dominant. That again, is not something that will kill me, but it is a limit of personal comfort.

Someone who pushes my limits of personal comfort too much wouldn't have me around very long.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 16

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 9:52:58 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

This is spot on............ How could he put another woman through something that would cause you trauma and her rejection. To be honest I can think of nothing worse.
S knows that if he ever got another woman to dominate me I would walk out but not before fighting her to the death. Its just a no go, out of bounds area and one that should be left well alone.
Most men get off on the thought of three in a bed and watching his woman getting off with another woman but it has to be something you all want or whats the point?

I am not bi and have never thought about being with another woman so its not something I would really want to do. Would I do it if he told me to? Of course I would.

The point - his pleasure.

However for someone who knows that they would never do that under any circumstances then it should be agreed as a hard limit.

I'm bi and more than happy and willing to go the full way with a female and even happier if I get to dominate her. If he really wanted to give me to another man for a while then I would be cool about it. If he decided to give me to a woman to dominate for 'His pleasure' then I would walk away because he would be knowingly screwing with my sanity for his own gratification. He knew this right from the start and made it clear that he had no desire to ever take that route.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 1/29/2009 9:54:43 AM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 17

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 10:00:02 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I find it simple. Don't have limits.
Oh no - shock horror - someone claiming to have no limits!

Well I don't.
I have things I do and things I wouldn't. That way, everything is clear and dandy and nothing gets pushed that isn't there in the first place.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 18

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 10:06:37 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I find it simple. Don't have limits.
Oh no - shock horror - someone claiming to have no limits!

Well I don't.
I have things I do and things I wouldn't. That way, everything is clear and dandy and nothing gets pushed that isn't there in the first place.

the.dark.

Not shock horror at all!

We got to know each other intimately first before removing our limits but the reality is, we know of paths we just wont ever tread...... Its more a trust thing that comes after an informed understanding of each other.
On the other hand if I was going to play with someone new to me in a club for an hour, I would be sure to ask them about limits.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 19

RE: Frustrated with limits and/or the lack of.... - 1/29/2009 12:15:21 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I find it simple. Don't have limits.
Oh no - shock horror - someone claiming to have no limits!

Well I don't.
I have things I do and things I wouldn't. That way, everything is clear and dandy and nothing gets pushed that isn't there in the first place.

the.dark.

Ditto to that.

I was thinking about the whole idea of hard and soft limits ........What about all the things I'd never think to put ON a list?.....Like walking barefoot on snails, licking slug-slime, sweeping the terrace in a nappy with a toothbrush between my teeth.

Looking back over the years, I couldn't possibly have even thought of the things he's done , let alone *list* them.......lol

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 1/29/2009 12:16:58 PM >

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 20

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